It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 11-04-2005, 08:36 PM   #1
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Ok, I have another question about this man whom I've known for a bit over two years now, but haven't really talked about him because it's long distance. So this is the story: I met this guy from California a couple of summers ago when he was in NY for his friend's wedding. We had a dinner that night and it was so much fun talking to him. He is a great guy; educated, quite handsome, and down to earth. He seemed to be very smitten with me, got me home in a taxi and payed for it, and promised he would visit in the fall. Unfortunately, things somehow never seemed to get synchronized, but we kept in touch over email and he would call me from time to time. We fell out of touch for a few months at some point, but then he emailed me again. Well, what do you know, he is in Europe now, studying at the SAME university as my ex-bf!!! I can't believe it. It's almost too much of a coincidence. Not only that, but they both have the same major from the US--engineering, and now are both studying business. Is that crazy or what??? Anyway, this guy has been keeping in touch with me over email and lately we've been talking over IM almost every day. I feel like I know him pretty well, on some level. Up until recently I was thinking about him as mostly a friend, but lately he has been much warmer than usual, signing off with "kisses," and today he flat out told me he likes me. The problem is, he is living in France. He might not be back to the US for another year or maybe more...

    Do you think it makes any sense? I just don't know why this guy has kept in touch with me for soo long. It's very crazy, but I actually met him only once in person! Do you think this is weird and he's just lonely in a foreign country, or does this make any sense at all??? He says he would like to move to my city after he's done with his MBA. But how can I take that seriously? I mean, he was supposed to visit me in the fall two, or maybe it's even been three, years ago too, and he didn't. I asked him a few times, as a friend, if he's been dating anyone, etc, but it seems he's always single. I even thought he was gay for a while, but he denied that too. How can a super smart, handsome, tall, successful guy in his mid 30s still be single??? Is he too good to be true??? He's never been married and has no kids. I asked him how come he's still single, being such a fantastic catch, but he just said "it's not easy nowadays," or something equally vague. What's your take on all this?

    Last edited by SophiaM; 11-04-2005 at 09:16 PM.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 11-04-2005, 09:02 PM   #2
    JennaLynnK
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    JennaLynnK's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Location: Indiana
    Posts: 214
    JennaLynnK HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    I think all long distance relationships are fantasy. You don't have any clue who this person is. You only know what hes letting you know, and what you've created in your mind. I wouldn't do anything exclusive until you are face to face, and I definately wouldn't wait on him to come home. If he comes home, and you are able to see each other face to face and go on actual dates then maybe there could be a relationship, but I don't see how this could work and it not end up hurting more than actually getting something from it.

    I think you should stay friends and if he does eventually come around and the time is right for you then try to be something more.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 09:16 PM   #3
    evy38
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 621
    evy38 HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    I know a man like this. Like yours, it's basically a internet relationship. I've come to the conclusion that many men, maybe not yours but many, have different women to serve different needs. Perhaps the need you serve, for him, is to get emotionally close to a woman without the difficulty of having her close enough to have expectations for something deeper. In my case, I think I was his "emotional fix". Once that need was solved, he could turn to other women to have his other needs met, hence avoiding all types of committment. I don't know if this is your case, but when I start missing him, I remind myself that if he missed and wanted me, he'd make time to see and touch me. It helps me not miss him, so much.

    Last edited by evy38; 11-04-2005 at 09:31 PM.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 09:27 PM   #4
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by evy38
    I know a man like this. Like yours, it's basically a internet relationship. I've come to the conclusion that many men, maybe not yours but many, have different women to serve different needs. Perhaps the need you serve, for him, is to get emotionally close to a woman without the difficulty of having her to close enough to have expectations for something deeper. In my case, I think I was his "emotional fix". Once that need was solved, he could turn to other women to have his other needs met, hence avoiding all types of committment. I don't know if this is your case, but when I start missing him, I remind myself that if he missed and wanted me, he'd make time to see and touch me. It helps me not miss him, so much.
    That is something I've been asking myself too: do you think this man is a major commitmentphobe?? God knows I seem to attract that type almost exclusively, so it definitely crossed my mind. He did invite me to visit him in France, though, and I know he originally applied for a business school in my city, but he didn't get accepted. It was an ivy league school and very hard to get into. But yeah, makes me wonder what's the deal and why he's keeping in touch and becoming much warmer and flirtatious now?? He used to never flirt with me. We were basically keeping in touch as just friends. He even told me that the day he met me, he thought I was "gorgeous" and that he regrets he didn't do something then, like moving to my city. I am a pretty realistic person, overall. I don't know why I kept in touch with him, either. I could have not answered his emails or calls. But we have a lot in common and I do actually feel like I know him pretty well. I know if I wanted to visit him in France, he would let me stay at his place. He told me so. I actually once planned to go to his city when he still lived in CA and he was going to let me stay at his place and show me around. I really don't know what the deal is with him. He is SO handsome, smart, and seems to be a normal guy, not conceited or anything. It's strange.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 09:30 PM   #5
    glamourgal
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 504
    glamourgal HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Sophia, I agree with Jenna. I would definitely stay friends with this guy, but I would not commit to a relationship or anything more than friends, until you are able to meet in person again. It's funny how if it's not one thing, it's another. Maybe he will be able to visit you or vice versa. He sounds like a good, decent guy. Maybe you are what he's been looking for! I wouldn't get my hopes up though, until you see him again.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 09:37 PM   #6
    evy38
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 621
    evy38 HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by glamourgal
    Sophia, I agree with Jenna. I would definitely stay friends with this guy, but I would not commit to a relationship or anything more than friends, until you are able to meet in person again. It's funny how if it's not one thing, it's another. Maybe he will be able to visit you or vice versa. He sounds like a good, decent guy. Maybe you are what he's been looking for! I wouldn't get my hopes up though, until you see him again.
    I agree, keep in touch, unless it gets too hard for you, but guard your heart and continue living your life and meeting new people. If it starts to get too painful to yearn for him, then you'll need to make a decision. I saw mine enough, that it got to painful. You may not face that problem.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 09:41 PM   #7
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by glamourgal
    Sophia, I agree with Jenna. I would definitely stay friends with this guy, but I would not commit to a relationship or anything more than friends, until you are able to meet in person again. It's funny how if it's not one thing, it's another. Maybe he will be able to visit you or vice versa. He sounds like a good, decent guy. Maybe you are what he's been looking for! I wouldn't get my hopes up though, until you see him again.
    I am not getting my hopes up at all, Glamour! I know this is soo unrealistic. I had pretty much thought we were just friends and was fine with that, until recently he started to become much warmer, flirt with me, and sign off with "kisses." And now he told me he always liked me from day one. Well, I guess he must have somehow because I don't think many guys are inclined to stay platonic friends especially over such long-distance. That's the only reason he got me thinking, because he started to act this way and told me he always liked me and found me attractive. Otherwise I would have just considered him an online friend of sorts. But no, of course I'm not going to stop going out on dates just because he started to act in a more romantic way! I think he is a decent guy, but also there's something a bit mysterious about the whole thing. I mean, how likely is that that he didn't have any girlfriends over the past 2 years with change??? He must have. But I guess nobody serious if he hasn't mentioned anything, huh? And now I know he lives in a relatively small room in the university housing (saw the whole room via his webcam) and he is almost always home at night because he talks to me almost every night. So definitely is not dating anyone. Oh well, we'll see, I guess.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 09:46 PM   #8
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by evy38
    I agree, keep in touch, unless it gets too hard for you, but guard your heart and continue living your life and meeting new people. If it starts to get too painful to yearn for him, then you'll need to make a decision. I saw mine enough, that it got to painful. You may not face that problem.
    I don't really "yearn" for him at this point. As I said, so far, I considered him as purely a friend, although I do admit he's good looking and has other appealing qualities, and I might be interested in dating him if I had a chance in real life. So it's not painful at all. It's actually fun talking to him! And I seem to be home almost every night too, since I'm not really dating anyone, so it looks like we're both in the same boat. He is very smart, so I enjoy talking to him.

    Evy, what do you mean you saw yours enough? Does that mean you went out with him from time to time and he wasn't as long distance, but he still wasn't pursuing any kind of a closer relationship? Was he only interested in interacting online rather than in person?? I'm curious.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 10:02 PM   #9
    evy38
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 621
    evy38 HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Evy, what do you mean you saw yours enough? Does that mean you went out with him from time to time and he wasn't as long distance, but he still wasn't pursuing any kind of a closer relationship? Was he only interested in interacting online rather than in person?? I'm curious.
    Worked with, on occasion. Went out with, as part of a group. Very intense internet relationship, sometimes as many as 20 or more emails, back and forth, a day, all day, sunup to sundown, continued through the next day, about everything from politics to movies to religion. He was always helpful, complimentary, kind, even possive in a way. Deep, longing stares and you could cut the tension with a knife. I'd get confused, stop writing and he would pursue with more emails. I was under the illusion that we were taking it slow, I mean really really slow, which was rather naive of me. It took me a while to realize that that was it, he had no interest in anything further. Several rejected invitations for lunch or drinks later, I realized it. Wow, I feel like I've been to confession.

    Last edited by evy38; 11-04-2005 at 10:14 PM.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 10:18 PM   #10
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by evy38
    Worked with, on occasion. Went out with, as part of a group. Very intense internet relationship, sometimes as many as 20 or more emails, back and forth, a day, all day, sunup to sundown, continued through the next day. He was always helpful, complimentary, kind, even possive in a way. Deep, longing stars and you could cut the tension with a knife. I'd get confused, stop writing and he would pursue with more emails. I was under the illusion that we were taking it slow, I mean really really slow, which was rather naive of me. It took me a while to realize that that was it, he had no interest in anything further. Several rejected invitations for lunch or drinks later, I realized it. Wow, I feel like I've been to confession.
    Wow, that is really bizarre of him! No wonder you thought you had something going on. He was pursuing you so strongly, but only over email! I guess some people are not capable of real relationships. How sad is that. So did you stop communicating with him althogether, eventually? How did it happen? Did you start pushing for more and it then became apparent he was not interested in a real life interaction and taking it to the next level? How long did you correspond with him before you realized it was a lost cause?

    Well, the guy I'm talking about has never been that intense. We've only started talking more recently. And nowhere close to the intensity you described with the net guy. Also, there is a 6 hour time difference, so we only talk for maybe 15 minutes at a time. He is an insomniac, I think. Tonight he went to sleep at 5 am, and it seems like he always goes to sleep way past midnight european time. I'm a night person myself, but I cannot stay up past 2 am, usually. Especially on a weekday.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 10:30 PM   #11
    evy38
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 621
    evy38 HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Wow, that is really bizarre of him! No wonder you thought you had something going on. He was pursuing you so strongly, but only over email! I guess some people are not capable of real relationships. How sad is that. So did you stop communicating with him althogether, eventually? How did it happen? Did you start pushing for more and it then became apparent he was not interested in a real life interaction and taking it to the next level? How long did you correspond with him before you realized it was a lost cause?

    Well, the guy I'm talking about has never been that intense. We've only started talking more recently. And nowhere close to the intensity you described with the net guy. Also, there is a 6 hour time difference, so we only talk for maybe 15 minutes at a time. He is an insomniac, I think. Tonight he went to sleep at 5 am, and it seems like he always goes to sleep way past midnight european time. I'm a night person myself, but I cannot stay up past 2 am, usually. Especially on a weekday.
    We work in the same company, so I must communicate with him on occasion, still. I try to keep it friendly, but on topic. Still miss him though. Thank you, Sophia, for not telling me it was all in my head. Sometimes it's hard to be objective about these things.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 10:38 PM   #12
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by evy38
    We work in the same company, so I must communicate with him on occasion, still. I try to keep it friendly, but on topic. Still miss him though. Thank you, Sophia, for not telling me it was all in my head. Sometimes it's hard to be objective about these things.
    Oh, no, it was definitely not in your head! He was clearly interested, just not capable of a normal relationship! He was leading you on and making you think this was gradually developing into something. People have issues. People are nuts. Unfortunately, this guy was just one of the categories. On the other hand, someone I used to work with met a guy at a high school reunion and they kept in touch mostly over email (since it was long distance) as friends for about a year, and then, boom, it quickly deceloped into a relationships and they got married within months! But it's a different thing. That guy you mentioned was just leading you on, due to his own issues. It must have been so disappointing. I hope you will meet someone with NO major issues and capable of a REAL relationship soon!

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 10:42 PM   #13
    evy38
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 621
    evy38 HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Well, have fun with yours and keep us up to date.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 10:52 PM   #14
    realguy
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2004
    Posts: 1,039
    realguy HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    It"s fantasy and internet entertainment.
    Do you believe or think it"s realistic that a man whom you"ve seen once, would want to change his school just to be with you? Sounds like b.s. to me. Would make a good chick flick though.

     
    Old 11-04-2005, 11:16 PM   #15
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Long Distance Friend: Could it Ever be More or Is It Pure Fantasy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by realguy
    It"s fantasy and internet entertainment.
    Do you believe or think it"s realistic that a man whom you"ve seen once, would want to change his school just to be with you? Sounds like b.s. to me. Would make a good chick flick though.
    Just to clarify, he is not going to change his school. He applied to a university in NY originally, but did not get accepted, but he did get accepted at a prestigeous university in Europe (he was born in Europe, if that makes any difference). Anyway, he did not in any way suggested he was going to switch his school. Just expressed a desire to live in NY after he graduates. Does it still sound like B.S.? It could. I mean, I'm not totally convinced, like I said. That's why I even needed other people's opinions, to reassure me to stay grounded. Thanks, Realguy!

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Long Distance Relationship - One Night Stand? Achpoques Relationship Health 6 10-30-2009 01:41 PM
    Long distance relationships: Do they work? n*l Relationship Health 12 11-05-2007 11:48 AM
    The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry) RogueFoxUK Relationship Health 23 04-13-2006 11:57 AM
    At Wits End (Long) angelblue65 Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 38 05-26-2005 03:30 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:37 AM.





    © 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!