It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 11-21-2005, 12:18 AM   #1
    mare1
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    mare1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2005
    Posts: 6
    mare1 HB User
    Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    My daughter is 16. 2 years ago she met this nice boy at work. They started to see each other, he would drive over to our house to see her, and they were so cute. Well, she got a little spooked, she had never had a boyfriend before. And one night he made some moves on her and she got scared. So she backed off. He pursued her for quite a while, then he moved on, they remained friendly with each other. i thought the little romance was over. However, now I dont know.....


    This past summer, out of the blue, she and him started talking again, ALOT, and I mean ALOT, they talk for hours, (or shoudld I say they do that tex message thing) and I mean hours, like 2 up to 4 hours at a time, a couple of times a week. This has been going on for 51/2 months! This past summer when her horse was injured, he came after work and sat in the barn with her for hours while she tended her mare. He would bring soda, and snacks and sit with her. I had no problem untill I found out he has a girlfriend. That really annoyed me.

    i told my daughter that was not a nice thing to do. She insists that there is nothing going on between them. They are just friends. He is 18, she is 16. I was like come on!! I guess her name is under a different name in his cell phone so his girlfriend does not find out that he is talking to my daughter. His girlfriend told him she does not want him to see or talk to my daughter at all I guess. BUT, they still talk all the time!! She has gone up to his house a few times to hang out, he has come here. He gets real jelous when she hangs with other boys but does not go off on her. He just hates it. He is super nice to her, always a sweetie. I believe he does realy care for her alot, he really is a nice boy. BUT he has a girlfriend.

    I had her cell phone one day and he texed her, it started out with "Hey beautiful......" I was like yikes!!

    What is happening here? She does not go out with other boys, she used to flirt, and hang out with other boys, but after she started talking with him again, the other boys have fallen off. They are not dating. I know where she is, either at work, or home, school or she is out with her girlfriends. So, what is going on?

    My husband says it sounds like he is getting sex from his girlfriend and is keeping our daughter kind of on the line and away from other boys. Why?

    They do not go to the same school, they do have a few friends in common, mainly cuz she met them through him. So what is he doing? Why does he talk with her ALL the time? I guess they are going to some race thing next weekend. But other than that, they have not actually dated.

    Help me, I don't want her to be "the other girl", Is he still interested in her? If so, why the other girl? I try talking to my daughter about it and she just gets all huffy and says we are just friends!! Yea, one night she was going to watch moveis at his house, and she had a smile on her face that could have lit up the midnight sky. I KNOW they dont see each other alot at all. Like I said, different schools, jobs etc. The few times we have run in to him when I am with her, he cant take his eyes off of her, and they are really cute. But what is the deal here? Do I need to be concerned she is being played? What if anyting should I do?

    This boy has alot of experience with girls, when he was 16, he was dating a 19 year old girl. He is very experiened 'sexually', my daughter is not at all. She was a tomboy till she met him. Then wam, new clothes, highlighted her hair, make up the whole thing. They really are perfect for each other, and it has been sweet in someways to watch her fall in love, and I believe she is kind of is in love with him, only she does not know it, and I think he has very strong feelings for her, so what is up? He is protective of her, and was kind of razzing my husband one night about not how we should not let her go to this formal fall dance at her school. (we were dining at the restaurant where he works)

    She does not sit home and wait for him, she goes to her girlfriends houses for sleepovers, movies, shopping, concerts etc., but as soon as she gets home, boom, he either calls her or she calls him.

    Then one time she got invited to one of his friends birthday parties, we were out of town (rodeo) for that day, and she was going to go over when she got home, well, he told her he was not going to the party, so she did not go. Then she found out he was there, I am assuming with his girlfriend. I was so mad!! I was like, what the hell? One of his friends started calling her and asking her out, and he got super ****** at his friend about it. She never went out with the other boy, but what the heck???

    I try to talk to her about him and she will get mad, then other times she will chatter away. I don't know how to guide her through this, I have told her he is off limits, girlfriend etc. She gets mad and says they are just friends, So what do I do? Is he playing her? She told me that he told her he has very strong feelings for her, but does not want to hurt his girlfriend, and he doesnt want to hurt her (meaning my daughter)
    either. Then they decided not to talk as much, but that didnt last. They talk all the time. It NEVER slowed down. (I pay her cellphone bill, she averages 600 yo 900 texes a MONTH with him!) I dont want her to get hurt, used or played, and most certainly do not want her to get the reputation of some girl who is the 'other' girl. what do I do?


    So, what is going on? my older kids are 2 boys, (21 and 23), so this is my first foray into the girl thing. Is this norma? Wht is happening?

    Last edited by mare1; 11-21-2005 at 12:42 AM.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 11-21-2005, 06:00 AM   #2
    mare1
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    mare1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2005
    Posts: 6
    mare1 HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    Please help me, I don't know if should do anything, or what if I should. Do I just let this go? Is this normal teen stuff?

     
    Old 11-21-2005, 08:23 AM   #3
    desertdweller
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    desertdweller's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 1,041
    desertdweller HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    I'm not sure I can be much help, but I do have a 16 year old daughter also. I have had to deal with a somewhat similar situation. My suggestion ( if you haven't already done this) is that you sit down and have a serious talk with her about this. I would explain to her that even IF this boy and her are just friends she needs to cut ties with him. She knows he has a girlfriend, she knows the girlfriend doesn't want this friendship to exist. She needs to respect the girlfriend's wishes, and not be friends with him. It's up to the boy to decide if he wants a girlfriend that puts these restrictions on him. What if the shoe was on the other foot? Say your daughter was in a relationship with this boy, and he was text messaging another girl saying "Hey beautiful" and spending a lot of time with the other girl. I doubt she would like that. Your daughter is looking at this friendship only from her point of view and what she gets out of it. It is clear that this guy is attracted to her. He tried to pull some moves on her before. Those feelings usually don't go away. My question to your daughter would be, " Why don't you become friends with BOTH of them?" Afterall, it's just a friendship. I'm quessing your daughter would not like the idea, but it is a way to get the girlfriend to be okay with the friendship.
    There is nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex. But when it is against the wishes of the girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, whatever, that's crossing the line. No friendship is worth lying, sneeking, making excuses. Unless it is more than a friendship.
    Also, I would make it clear that you will never cover-up the friendship for her. Tell her if she continues the friendship with the boy , you will not keep quiet about it. The friendship could eventually get back to the girlfriend. When you see this boy, ask him how his girlfriend is doing, how long have they been going out, why don't you two double-date, etc. Talk about other boys your daughter likes in front of him. Let him know in some many words, that you know he's playing her, that he can't get his cake and eat it too. He has no right to be jealous of your daughter seeing or talking to other boys. You need to call him on this bull****. Your daughter may hate you for doing this, but as a mom you cannot stand by and watch her be manipulated by an 18 year old boy.

     
    Old 11-21-2005, 08:36 AM   #4
    TomsWife
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    TomsWife's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 715
    TomsWife HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    You ask whats going on? He's playing her and his "girlfriend". Bottom line. There are red flags all over your story.........
    __________________
    Never be afraid to try something new.
    Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
    A large group of professionals built the Titanic

     
    Old 11-21-2005, 09:52 AM   #5
    blueeyes05
    Member
    (female)
     
    blueeyes05's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2005
    Location: edwardsville illinois
    Posts: 66
    blueeyes05 HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    i dated a guy that sounds alot like him, he was my first real boyfriend and my parents loved him what they didnt know is he was very diffrent than they thought. it sounds like him exactly. i fell in love with him and when we broke it off the first time i was hurt but i started to move on then wham he came back in the picture, and he had other girlfriends but still was a little hung up on me as i was him. the best thing you can do is be there for your daughter. i know when my mom tried to step in the way of us i would just get mad at her and rebel against what she was saying more. i was 14 when he and i first met he was 16. and i know it is hard to just stand back but your daughter will have to learn on her own. i know you want her to do whats right and you want to save her from anything bad but you cant always be there and no matter what or how close a parent and a child are their not going to tell you everything. i finally learned my lesson and got away from him but because i thought i was in love with him it took me along time to do it. im 23 now and i totally broke everything off about 2 years ago i found it was better to not even be friends once you have feelings for someone its hard to lose them. she will do whats right it might just take time. she needs to work things out on her own and learn things.

     
    Old 11-21-2005, 12:53 PM   #6
    mare1
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    mare1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2005
    Posts: 6
    mare1 HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    Wow, great advice from all of you. Thank you.

    So here is what I have decided to do. I thought of calling his parents, as he does live at home. But that would horrify my daughter. So, hear is my plan.

    Tonight when she gets home from work, I am going to sit her down with a cup of tea, and say, look, he has a girlfriend. You are a beautiful girl, inside and out and I love you very much. It is hard for me to stand back and watch what is happening between you and @#$%. So I am going to tell you one more time, stay away from him, he has a girl already. He is playing you and you are going to get hurt. I can see how much you care for him, and that is wonderful, to be young and finding love and cute boys. But for now, he is taken. You can still be friends, but you need to get out and date other boys too. If this is meant to be it will happen. If not, well at least you have not wasted your time on it.

    I will also explain again, that real women, honorable women do NOT mess with another womans man. That is a code of honor that you must live by. It is the correct thing to do. I will then tell her it is up to her. She has to decide who she wants to be. Then I am going to point out some of the women in our life who HAVE been the other woman, and she knows and has heard the comments made about them. Then again I will tell her she has to decide who she wants to be.

    And if it continues, or I feel he is pressuring her, then I will call his parents, and settle this.

    Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice. I know it was long, but I just dont know when, as a mother, I am crossing a line.

     
    Old 11-21-2005, 05:31 PM   #7
    desertdweller
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    desertdweller's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 1,041
    desertdweller HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    You are making the right decision. I hope the talk goes well!

     
    Old 11-22-2005, 02:43 AM   #8
    mare1
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    mare1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2005
    Posts: 6
    mare1 HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    She insists they are only friends, and was not as open to discussion as I would have hoped, but I got my feelings out there.

     
    Old 11-22-2005, 09:53 AM   #9
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    Hi, Mare As the mother of a 16 year old girl myself, I think that it's time to become a mentor in your daughter's life. She is bound to make her share of mistakes (as we all do ) and will need someone whom she can trust to help her through them. Leaving the doors of communication open is vital at this time in her life.....I have just recently transformed into this role in my 2 daughter's lives.

    It's time to share your life's experiences and allow your daughter to see you as somebody who loves her unconditionally flaws & all. Sharing with her your mistakes that you made as a young teen in the romance department will definitely allow your daughter to see you as more of an equal having made your share of mistakes in life as well. We need to be seen as someone they can relate to who has lived through similar experiences of dating. Once you are able to do this you and your daughter will be able to talk more freely without it appearing to be another "lecture" or "dinosaur tale".

    Some of the things you mentioned above, although you may think that she didn't acknowledge them, she heard. Recently my daughter admitted to me that she hears my words of wisdom quite frequently chiming in when she least expects them to. This came to me after I shared with her how I remember hearing my mother's voice during times when with friends and when she wasn't even around. I asked my daughter if that ever happened to her and she smiled at me saying, "All the time!!"

    So....they do hear us, sharing events of your life that you experienced at her age or that a good friend of yours experienced that are similar to what she is going through will be far more effective than telling her what to do. Our daughters need us to be supportive of these turbulant years and what better way to be that than to allow them to see we have a deep understanding of what changes in their lives are taking place.

    I know that you will see some good come out of your talk with your daughter. May not be today but you will see it made a difference when you least expect it.

    (((HUGS))) from one mom to another ~ Goody

     
    Old 11-22-2005, 03:52 PM   #10
    mare1
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    mare1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2005
    Posts: 6
    mare1 HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    Goody2shuz - Thank you for the encouragement. After out talk last night I could hear hear her on her phone, I am only assuming it was him - it usually is. But you are so right, I will share some of my dating horror stories. Some are sad, some are so stupidly pathetic they are hilarious!! It could be fun. But some are great too.

    Well, he is with her right now as we speak, I guess some "low coolant' light came on in her car, did she call home?nope, her dad? nope, either brother? nope, she called him and he is taking care of it, then they are going to grab a bite, come back here and he is going to help her study for her math test. God.

    I am going to casually ask him, (when my girl is out of earshot) how his girlfriend feels about him being at my house so much. I will say it so innocent, he won't know what hit him.

     
    Old 11-22-2005, 04:06 PM   #11
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    Mare ~ I have a saying...."the more you say NO the more they GO!!" I say that you try not to interfere too much, share your concerns knowing that your daughter hears them. Plant the seed & let it grow. Perhaps next time you have a quiet moment with her (that usually was in the car on our way somewhere for me & my daughter ) ask her how she would like a guy like him as a boyfriend doing to her what he is doing to his GF. Allow her to think on that and stress how a guy who does this to one girl will do it with another and that you think she deserves a great guy who treats her well.

    The thing is....you mustn't offer advice that isn't sought....I find that when you approach things in a way in whcih you are interested in knowing what they are really thinkning & feeling, those are the opportunities to in a non threatening way share your thoughts. The key is knowing when to seize the moment which in a teenage girl's life is as often as a shooting star is seen in the sky!! A good sense of humor works wonders too

    Like the math...hmmm it would be funny to see if she can mathematicaly figure out how many times he has called her or spent time with her without his GF's knowledge

    ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 11-22-2005 at 04:06 PM.

     
    Old 11-22-2005, 05:56 PM   #12
    desertdweller
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    desertdweller's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 1,041
    desertdweller HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    Yes, as I said before; if she wants to play the 'we're just friends' game, play it up. Afterall, they are just friends. You asking about his girlfriend, suggesting they double date, telling him about boys your daughter likes or like her, is harmless right? You are being supportive and friendly. I'm guessing he will be uncomfortable with it. Ask about his family, where his girlfriend works, act interested in his life. He probably will become paranoid about the possible interactions that could occur ( like you accidently running into her work, mentioning his friendship to his parents). Mention his girlfriend's actual name, and what you know about her to your daughter ( "So I hear Cindy works at Wally World, no wonder she's alway busy!") See what kind of reaction she has. If it is truely just a friendship ( which I doubt), you are just being a caring mom.

     
    Old 11-23-2005, 11:32 AM   #13
    susieq0726
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    susieq0726's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: Oregon
    Posts: 2,441
    susieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    Yikes, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Sorry, but I think you are wayyyy to concerned over this small relationship that apparently (according to your daughter doesn't exist) And calling his parent's? I would die if my mother ever did that. Sure my mother was concerned about my well being and what was going on in my life, but never to the point where she was THAT involved.
    I am sure I will get alot of hate over this post, but I just don't see the seriousness in the whole thing.
    It sounds to me that you have done a wonderful job raising a bright, intelligent girl and she appears to be handling this matter just fine.

    Last edited by susieq0726; 11-23-2005 at 11:35 AM.

     
    Old 11-23-2005, 02:37 PM   #14
    desertdweller
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    desertdweller's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 1,041
    desertdweller HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    Sorry, I can't agree.Her daughter is handling this just fine? The guy gets jealous if she sees or talks to other boys. The guys girlfriend made it clear that she doesn't want them friends, yet he still sees her. Her daughter has crossed the unspoken code of ethics between women. The guy is a player. I'm not encouraging her to take complete control of her daughter's life, just to not sit back passively and wring her hands about this situation. Buy not saying anything to her, she is suggesting it is okay.

     
    Old 11-25-2005, 04:02 PM   #15
    mare1
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    mare1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2005
    Posts: 6
    mare1 HB User
    Re: Help !!! Mother of 16 year old girl!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by desertdweller
    Sorry, I can't agree.Her daughter is handling this just fine? The guy gets jealous if she sees or talks to other boys. The guys girlfriend made it clear that she doesn't want them friends, yet he still sees her. Her daughter has crossed the unspoken code of ethics between women. The guy is a player. I'm not encouraging her to take complete control of her daughter's life, just to not sit back passively and wring her hands about this situation. Buy not saying anything to her, she is suggesting it is okay.

    Oh, I do not want control of her life, and thank yor understanding me, I see her in a situation that is lose/lose. She does not have alot of experience with guys, and I do not want her hurt. He, while very nice is way to experience, I need to guide her, but it is ulitmatley her choice, and I told her that. We have not talked on it since. BUT that is my job as a mother, I think she understood what I was saying. I really do. It is the first time that I feel she understands what I was trying to say, based on her actions the last few days.

    But mostly, it is time for her to decide who she wants to be. Live her life with honor? Have self respect for herself? It is all tough, but she is growing up and needs to learn what HER boundaries are going to be. and the code amongst women? Hey girls, that stands, you do NOT mess with a guy who is taken!! You would hate it if it was being done to you and if you are doing it, well that is just low, and it show lack of respect for yourself.

     
    Closed Thread




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:25 PM.





    © 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!