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Advice! Please!

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Old 12-21-2005, 09:06 PM   #1
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: On
Posts: 472
stuckmissy HB User
Advice! Please!

Hi all! I will try to keep this short. I have been with this guy for about 5 years now. On and off and it has always been a struggle for us to make a big commitment. Our life styles and situations are complete opposites and to top it off we are both afraid of failure and making a mistake. We are trying to get past that. We have agreed to try and move past that and make changes that will bring us closer to where we should be. Basically we are in the slowest moving relationship that has ever existed and I kid you not. He has been great as of lately to open up the talks and has addressed some of the issues we would be dealing with if we were to make any type of life time commitment to each other.

He is very clear on what he wants out of life and how he sees his life playing out. I on the other hand, have much less structured goals. I do live to survive. I have a great job that I love, but don't know what is next for me. I know I want a family and a home. But past that there isn't much. Not that I wouldn't like to set greater goals for myself but the reality is that at the present time I have not set long term goals. There are all kinds of things I would love to do, I will leave all options open to me and if an opportunity comes along I want to take it.

He wants to know exactly how I see my life and what my life plans are and will they work out with his. The answer is not so black and white. His goals all include him and only him. They include a lot of moving and traveling. I have a child and life is not as free as all that for me. My problem is I after agreeing on the basic fundamentals, such as family life, careers and what not I see the "how will it work" part as something you do and make happen. Not so much a plan. Granted a beginning plan is important and values and goals with similarities are a must. I can't bring myself to plan my life from now till death the way he has. And it totally confuses him. What about growth and change? How can we get on the same page. What information can I give him that will be clearer?

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Old 12-21-2005, 09:27 PM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 645
Fabat40 HB User
Re: Advice! Please!

Sweetie, the question is, what information can he give you so you won't feel this way.

You have a child and being a single mother is not easy. I am a single mother and I have to give up a lot of things in life including 2 marriage proposals, traveling, jobs, etc. Please don't think I'm being harsh, but I think you came on this board to get some straight answers.

You have a child and that child comes first before anything, everything, and any man. I'm sure you know that. If this man you'd been with for 5 years cannot fit your child into "his" life, then he's not worthy of having you and your child in his life. It's obvious he knows about his child.

This man sounds selfish and you deserve someone better than that. If I were in your shoes, and I know I'm not, but I've gone through a similar situation before, I'd send him packing and make sure the door doesn't hit his a$$ on the way out.

Just my humble opinion.

Last edited by Fabat40; 12-21-2005 at 09:28 PM.

Old 12-22-2005, 06:51 AM   #3
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,774
greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Advice! Please!

Do you love this man? In every successful relationship, compromise is very important. I don't understand why you two can't both compromise. If he travels for his job, would that mean moving a lot for you? Or would you stay in the same home base? There are a lot of questions you have not answered.

I don't see why having a child should keep you from marrying someone you love. Single mothers find husbands every day and that does not mean you do not care about your child. Your happiness is important too. And, if you are happy and loved, your daughter will be happy too.

It sounds like maybe you don't really love this man; otherwise, you would be willing to make some small compromises for him.

Old 12-29-2005, 08:33 PM   #4
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: On
Posts: 472
stuckmissy HB User
Re: Advice! Please!

Thank you both for the replies.

As far as my daughter goes, your right he has to accept that or move on. I guess it is just that I don't see us fitting into his life and I don't think he does either, as much as we may want that. I'm thinking about what you said "what info can he give me". I like that way of looking at it. I'll have to ask how he sees her fitting into his life.

I do love him and I would be willing to compromise, however I believe there is a difference between my compromising to make things work and tagging along behind him. To be fair I haven't given him much info on what I want but like I said right now I live to survive. I'm willing to make some adjustments, but i would like to also know that there is room for changes in the future.

We have put this aside for now to enjoy the holiday season, but I know we will need to get with it soon.

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