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Can a relationship ever really be the same?

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Old 12-31-2005, 02:45 PM   #1
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steakie46 HB User
Can a relationship ever really be the same?

I was just wondering, and perhaos some one on here has been through it first-hand, can a relationship ever really be the same after a breakup?

Say you were with the person for a couple years and then broke up. A few months later say you get back together, can it ever be the same, or will/is there always the underlying fear that something will go wrong again or that you can't trust that person again? Can you really be like you were the first time before the break up, or is it possible to not hold a grudge (for lack of a better word)?

Also, a real hard question, is it possible to remain friends after a breakup?

Last edited by steakie46; 12-31-2005 at 02:46 PM.

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Old 12-31-2005, 02:58 PM   #2
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Hiya HB User
Re: Can a relationship ever really be the same?

I think it depends on many different factors - why the people broke up, have they fixed whatever broke them up, etc. It can be as good if not better than before, but both people have to want to work to make it that way, provided the thing that broke them up in the first place is either gone or put in a much different perspective by both parties. You can let go of the "grudge" assuming it's in your best interest to do so (i.e. if he beat you and refuses to get counseling, or cheated and still is secretive and evasive about where he goes or who he hangs out with and shows no remorse or real change, then it would NOT be in your best interest to let go of the "grudge" or to trust him again) if you really want to, like Dr. Phil says, "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" BUT...

It's been my personal experience that exes are exes for a reason, and giving a man who has already rejected you another chance, all you're really doing is giving him another chance to reject you again and break your heart. Liek the Book He's Just Not That Into You says, one thing a man who really loves you DOESN'T do, is leave you, is to tell you to your face that he no longer wants your love or company. But exes getting back together and it working out is not unheard of, it does happen. Just think it through, consider all the above, and watch your butt.

Oh, and p.s., about the being "just friends" with exes, I'm generally against it. It usually only happens because children are involved and they have to be friendly, or one person is still in love and is secretly hoping for a reconsiliation. Let's face it, if you were really all that close and all buddy-buddy that you just have to stay in each others' lives, would you have broken up in the first place?

Last edited by Hiya; 12-31-2005 at 03:01 PM.

Old 12-31-2005, 03:22 PM   #3
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LostMyHeart HB User
Re: Can a relationship ever really be the same?

Well, I don't think things will ever be the same, but that doesn't always have to be a bad thing.
The fact of life is that things change, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad. Outside forces get in the way and cause changes even for people that haven't broken up.
It's how much you are willing to accept that fact that makes a difference. You have control over allowing yourself to be afraid of things going wrong again or not.
I think that if you can accept that the breakup occurred and be willing to leave the past in the past and start from today forward, then the chance of things working is pretty good.
If instead, you choose to focus on the fact that "he once left me" and let that one thought control your every action, then the chances of things working are pretty slim.

Neither is a guarantee, of course. He has to be willing to accept the changes, also. But you can give it your best and increase the chances of things working.

As for being friends. Hmmm.. well, you can, but if you ask me, that takes ALOT. It's more effort than it's worth in my opinion, but that's a personal call. You have to constantly keep in mind that you are no longer the gf, but just a friend, and adjust yourself to that new role in the person's life. I don't have that much in me, though I wish I did.

Old 12-31-2005, 07:20 PM   #4
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Re: Can a relationship ever really be the same?

I feel that you can be friends with an ex, but only after you have both spent time away from each other and healed and there are no more feelings left there. But by that time, you usually wouldn't think about them that much to want to be there friend anyway... because you would have moved on.

I don't know if a relationship can ever be the same after a break up and then after getting back together. It does change the dynamics in a sense. But that doesn't mean it changes for the worst all the time. In some cases, it can be even better. I have to admit that my relationship with my man is probably much better, but I had to go through alot of heartbreak to get there. I don't think you hold a grudge so much, but you carry with parcelled up pain with you. Most of the time it stays buried deep in your archives, but when an argument comes up or something, it springs up to the surface... but you don't have the same kind of fear as when it was fresh. I would just say that perhaps at some times you can be a little more wary.

In your case, because there hasn't been infidelity or anything like that, it wouldn't ruin your relationship if you two were to get back together. It wouldn't be effortlessly easy, but it wouldn't be too much of a struggle to pick back up. I just think that if he did come back, well it's because he wants to be there with you right and he's decided it's what he wants in life.... so there would be no point in worrying about the past right?
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Old 12-31-2005, 07:26 PM   #5
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steakie46 HB User
Re: Can a relationship ever really be the same?

i agree stormgirl, i don't think I would be too worried about the past. I think that I might be walking on eggshells for alittle bit but I guess that is part of the healing process to built back the trust and bond of the relationship. The only thing I would have to worry about is not overanalyzing things and to not let it creep back up in any arguement because I do that, unfortunately, but I do believe that love hold no record of wrongs so if i can only remember that I think it will be fine, but first things first, we have to get back together! So we'll see...

As far as the friend thing I agree on that too and i know that if nothing else I would love to be just friends because I would want to keep him in my life in some aspect, but I also know myself and that if we remained friends the feelings I have for him would never really dissipate, oh confusing life!!! why must it be so complicated! but sometimes the best things in life are complicated or worth waiting for.

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