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any advice ?

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Old 01-03-2006, 06:54 AM   #1
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Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 36
parcelgirl HB User
any advice ?

I have been married for 23 years and in the past left my husband for 8 months due to the verbal and control issues in the marriage. 4 years ago i decided to return to my husband to give it another try with the marriage, when i returned he took all control of the money that he makes and i have no access to any of the money even if i need it. My husband still has alot of the same problems with control that he had before such as ( he thinks that we should be working at all times and not sitting down in front of the tv, he calls this sitting on my fat ***, he gives me money for extra things but i have to write down what i need and how much everything is gonna cost me even if i do not know the cost, he thinks since i havent worked and raised the kids that i have been lazy all my life, plus many more things that have me wondering at this point in my life if i want to go on with this realtionship for the rest of my life? I have no money to leave my husband and not work at this time, i am a college student with 1 year to go before i have my nursing degree. I have no family support my mother and father think that i should stay in this marriage because of the kids. what can i do?

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Old 01-03-2006, 07:07 AM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 120
jenna1 HB User
Re: any advice ?

My advice, if you can take one more year - finish nursing school, get a job and once you have enough money - leave. There are plenty of nursing jobs all across the country so you shouldn't have trouble finding employment with excellent pay.

Old 01-03-2006, 07:16 AM   #3
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Music4All HB User
Re: any advice ?

Suck it up or another year, get your degree, start the planning process as to what and how you will do what you want to do and then execute your plan.

If he had serious control issues that you left him for before, you have proven to yourself you can leave him. If he has not changed in the face of your leaving, he will not likley change hereafter.

Of course another option is to stay in the marriage get a good paying nursing job and then you will have control over your money and no longer need to account to him for his.

He sounds like the sort that may even go so far as to ask you to pay him back financially for all he has given you up to the point that you got your own job. You know him better than we can and you know if you think he really would ever change. If you think not, the ultiamte outcome seems apparent.

Old 01-03-2006, 12:45 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,418
GypsyArcher HB User
Re: any advice ?

Wow, you really painted yourself into a corner, huh?

Well, you need a job. I think it is awesome that you are working toward a nursing degree, you should be able to secure a pretty good job with that someday. But for right now you need money of your own. Your husband is a total ding-dong. I am all for the ladies getting whatever they can get out of men (that is why I even bother having a boyfriend) but it doesn't work when the guy is a controlling *****. What is the matter with you? Your husband is all "Ooh I'm controlling the money here, woman, anything you need I must first approve!" And you don't just look at him and burst out laughing? That is exactly what I would do if my boyfriend tried something like that. I'd laugh til my face turned blue, then make him buy me ice cream.

But I have known men like your husband. They got some pretty fine issues going on, but you have some too if you PUT UP with this flaming crap. You need to stop depending on this manhole for anything. Complete and total independence will be your only answer. Your parents are huffing in their spare time or something to say you should stay with this guy. How old are your kids? Do you realize how much damage you are doing to them? They are witnessing their father totally dominating their mother, which will give them such a messed up view of what relationships are supposed to be. (Women are supposed to dominate ). You need to step your game up here and start showing your claws. Do WHATEVER it takes to have your own life and get away from this guy. You really dug a hole for yourself sweetie, but now you need to push up your sleeves and get to work digging yourself out.

Old 01-03-2006, 09:53 PM   #5
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 797
eve40 HB User
Re: any advice ?

I agree with finishing nursing school, and if your name isn't on the checking account, (how insane to agree to that), you can't do anything about his control of money. But, you can decide what treatment you will, and will not, put up with. He has control because you GAVE IT TO HIM, and that is your fault. Now it's time to take it back. You decide how to spend your spare time. Watch tv or read if it pleases you to do so. When he speaks to you disrespectfully, leave the room or the house, but DO NOT just sit there and take it. Figure out where, in this relationship, you have control and start to exert it. Are you the main housekeeper? Thats a place of control, use it. So is sex, for that matter. I wouldn't normally suggest using it as a tool for control, but this is an exceptional circuminstance and you need all the tools at your disposal. Witholding might get your names on some of the accounts. Unless he's cheating, finding that out would also give you some leverage.
In the meantime go through all the papers, find out how much money there is,where it's going and how deeply you are in debt. I know this sounds very cynical, but you need to start worrying about yourself and you are way behind, in the 10th inning.

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