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Feeling alienated

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Old 01-09-2006, 07:34 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1
cqgmom HB User
Unhappy Feeling alienated

I've been married for 2 1/2 years and my husband and I have a beautiful 2 year old son. This is a second marriage for both and I have a 5 year old step-son. We have been considering IVF and because of my particular problem, the chances are very good that we can have another baby. However, I've been feeling so much pressure from my job, the visitation schedule (we have to drive 7 hours every Friday and Monday to see my step-son) and the financial committment, that I wasn't sure I wanted to go through with it. I thought that it would add to our overly stressed life as it is. We finally talked about it and it was really, really sad. My husband wants another child but doesn't want to put anymore stress on our marriage. So, I think we've decided not to go forward and its very painful.

We went to bed and I didn't get a hug or a cuddle or anything and I'm just feeling like we are are two different planets and I now think that this decision just made it worse.

We started seeing a counselor (she's awful!! uggh) and that wasn't really helping. Has anyone had any experience with the stress of invitro on a pretty shaky marriage? Any thoughts or ideas? I should mention that I'm 37 so we don't really have the luxury of waiting.


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Old 01-11-2006, 08:04 AM   #2
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 163
Aalyisha HB User
Re: Feeling alienated

ok,i dont have invitro experience and am not married but i just wanted to say that if you are not happy with the decision then i think you need to wait for a while, try to make some room in your schedule and de-stress your life and why not say to your husband that it is not out of the question but to wait a year or two. i mean at the monent you have work, looking after a toddler and travelling to see your step son.

OK so your 37,you might not have 10-15 years but i think you could certainley wait a yr or 2.

if this is not what you want and you go through with it you will probably never be happy.;...TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND...

Old 01-11-2006, 08:50 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 900
Music4All HB User
Re: Feeling alienated

One definition of hell is indecision. It is often better to make a decision, after contemplation and discusion, than make a sort of decision because you aren't sure.

Your husband has two children. Help him understand the blessings he has in them and how there is no compelling need for more. Some couples struggle forever wanting very much but never getting one. He has two, you have one - make the decision. Committ to it. Be appy about it being right, and go forth with love and action in abundance towards the two children you both are raising.

Don't allow yourself to stay in a state of stress and angst. Indecision will poison you and take the energy and happiness you need to do justice to raising your two children.

Help him to understand this.

Old 01-11-2006, 01:13 PM   #4
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,807
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Feeling alienated

What wonderful advice, Music!!! I totally agree.....cqgmom, you are both on 2nd marriages and statistics already show that second marriages have a 60% chance of failing and I think that it is yours & your husbands job to make sure you do not fall into those statistics which are already overwhelming. Taking the stress off of yourselves is imperative to the overall happiness of your marriage & family. Bringing another child into the equation when you are already seeking counseling is not the wisest decision. A child should not be the source of happiness but the product of it.

You already have two beautiful children between you, one of which you had together. Like Music said it should be your highest priority to meld this new family together and make it a success. Your have a beautiful son together and a 5 year old stepdaughter who deserve two happy people in their lives with minimal stress. Focus on that for now and put having another baby on the back burner. In another year or two reevaluate things.

I have a brother and sister in law who went through invitro and onto GIFT....they had a set of fraternal twins and 14 months later on their own had a set of identical and then 15 months after that had another one.....all girls!!! Yes...the stress of getting to the first pregnancy through the use of invitro was overwhelming and alot to place on a couple in a first marriage without any other children in their lives.....I could only imagine that with a second marriage and melding two families it could very well be the straw that breaks the camel's back!!! Focus on alleviating the stress & enjoying your new marriage and the two healthy kids that you do have. You owe it to yourselves, your marriage & your family to make this all work out.

~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 01-11-2006 at 01:20 PM.

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