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Mintox 01-13-2006 06:10 PM

Unsure of next step...
Hello there,

I am looking for opinions / advice on a self-inflicted problem I am having with my girlfriend.

We have been going out for 2 years now and have been living together for appoximately six months and she is pushing to buy a house together. She is also frequently dropping hints that she would like to get married.

I can see that she would be a kind, caring, considerate wife and we have a lot in common which means we have a good time most of the time, but when things are bad, they get really bad.

We are both teachers and whereas I keep my work and home life separate, she often brings emotional baggage from school home. We often have discussions which turn into arguments and she talks consistently about school, despite me asking her not to as we often disagree and fall out. I am finding the pressure of doing a full days work (in a career which is very demanding) and then coming home and facing a grilling about how to sort out the problems with someone else's job unbearable.

My main problem in my relationship is that if I tell her that I don't want to hear her bad news about her day she will (understandably) be hurt but I don't think I can continue living with her unless I get a respite from the constant pressure of never being able to escape from work. I am passionate about working with children but cannot stand the mental exertion of sorting out my own career and another person's as well.

I hope you can give me some advice on whether I am being selfish with my need for a little space or, if not, whether I can break the news to her gently. that I would like to keep our careers separate. In the long-term I cannot see us having a future together which is a shame because she is fantastic during the holidays and we have great fun at weekends.

Many thanks for your time.

Ruth6:11 01-14-2006 05:21 AM

Re: Unsure of next step...
Neither of you are bad people. Just maybe not the right people for each other. (Which involves a bit more than being in love)
You need someone who doesn't want to rehash their whole day with you the moment you set foot in the door.
She needs someone who will listen, thrive on the drama, and listen some more.
Can she change this part of her personality?
Could you?
And should EITHER of you have to?

She is obviously seeking marriage - and I do think that if you are doing anything unfair it is in not leveling with her about what characteristics you would need in a wife. Whose push was it that led to your living together? If it was hers she may have thought that once she was living with you you would want to take the next step. If it was you, was it because you thougt you could delay a marriage?

From the advantage of seeing many relationships over many years, it seems that those who say "but I love him/her" while dealing with major differences have the most problems. Those who are with someone with common values, ethics, personality needs, etc. WITH love seem to do the best.

So, with the understanding that you do love her,... is she right for you?

Music4All 01-14-2006 05:30 AM

Re: Unsure of next step...
This is another example of love not being enough. Neither of you is bad. But you are wise to question your ability to make it in a marriage with her. This aspect of her personality is as fused to her idendity as her dna. If this is bothersome to you, this is how life will likely be in one form or another all your married life. Some people need to express and talk about their day and troubles and problems and reflect out loud with their partner. This is not bad or good, it is just who they are. Not all of us are equipped to be on the receiving end. To make her try to change that is like holding back flood waters. Yo can do it for a while, but it will win out eventually.

We are who we are and it is good you are considering these important day to day aspects of marriage before making the plunge.

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