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New man insecurities, ex memories re-surfacing

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Old 01-17-2006, 08:30 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 325
~Tyger~ HB User
New man insecurities, ex memories re-surfacing

Hi everyone Its been a while since I've written. Thought I'd write down some of my feelings here and read any advice you guys have to offer.

Lots of you helped me out over this year after my breakup with my man of 2.5 years and the disaster that was his mother. Its been such a hectic year... and its taken me a long time to come to terms with the breakup. It took me about 6 months to seriously go cold-turkey and avoid seeing him at work and trying to find excuses to contact him. I've been mucking around with a few guys, but nothing serious, and I've always broken it off pretty soon after things started. Been a bit of an Ice-Queen. I sort of want a relationship but I've been extremely picky. I suppose I'm a bit scared of starting something new and I've led a few guys on, which I'm not proud of. And I didn't think i would get into a relationship, for quite some time.

Until now.

There's a new man on the scene, and this one seems different. For the first time since I broke up with my ex, I feel like I could actually really like someone, or that there's the potential there. He lives relatively close, although I don't get to see him often as we'd like, as his brother is getting married soon and he's really stressed cos he practically runs the family business and its been hectic for him lately. He's a year younger than me which is weird for me too, I usually date guys that are much older, around 28ish.

But the main problem is really stupid. He's really, really attractive.

I know, doesn't sound much like a 'problem' does it?

He used to model for Peter Alexander and a few other labels when he was a teenager, but he left when he started working full-time. He's gorgeous, and women look at him ALL THE TIME in the streets. From what I've seen of his ex's, they're absolutely drop-dead gorgeous too. Size 4 petite little blonde things etc. Fantastic for me, hey?

Now I'm by no means ugly - I've always attracted men with no problems - but I'm a good deal less-than-perfect compared to the girls he's previously dated (and lived with), and it makes me feel, for the first time in my life, really insecure and anxious. I guess I've always dated guys that have 'worshipped' me in a way (although that sounds a little contrived) and I suppose I liked feeling comfortable in that knowledge. I'm pretty stunned that I've been able to hold the attention of a guy like this new one...its been 3 weeks now. But I feel like he's got the upper hand in every way. I wouldn't have a clue if he feels the same or not. This is new to me. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? Perhaps this is just what I needed - a bit more equality. Or perhaps this is just going to end in me getting hurt. I don't know whether to take the gamble.

I know I should be happy I've found someone like him, but I can't help feeling like I'm going to spend my days being insanely jealous of all the women looking at him, and maybe calling him, and feeling as though he'd rather be with them than me. I feel like I can't ever live up to his ex's and will only disappoint him. For the first time ever I'm considering dieting although i'm size 8 i think in US sizes, and having body image issues cos I have an athletic build and I'm tall and not petite. He seems to want a long-term relationship, and has been cheated on by his ex's in the past (and he himself claims he's never cheated) so he's totally against it and I trust he wouldn't do it to me. But I'm stressing! What should I do? I miss the security I had with my ex. And I'm scared to fall for him in a way... I don't usually fall for people...

One other thing. We met, of all places, on the internet. Ick. Soo not me. I'm a socialite and I love going out. I've got a bit of a mental block about the whole internet dating thing. So the fact that I met him there on some random chat thing feels tacky and fake to me. I'm embarrassed to tell others I met him like that. Its as if the only way I could find an attractive man was through a PC screen. I wish I'd met him at a bar or What are your thoughts?

Sorry for rambling


Last edited by ~Tyger~; 01-17-2006 at 08:36 PM.

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Old 01-17-2006, 11:35 PM   #2
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Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 518
mada_3083 HB User
Re: New man insecurities, ex memories re-surfacing

ummm if he's dated heaps of gorgeous girls, and he's now interested in you.. he obviously sees something in you... you know he's not "settling" for you, because he could have his pick of women... HE CHOSE YOU... now that's powerful

Old 01-17-2006, 11:57 PM   #3
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Ruby13 HB User
Re: New man insecurities, ex memories re-surfacing

You know, in my experience, the least attractive guy I dated was also the least faithful. It's like he had to prove something or keep other girls as a safety net. I'm betting your boyfriend's exes and the women who approach him are just beautiful in a different way from you. I don't mean like "you're beautful on the inside" but there's a hollywood beautiful and then an interesting-looking, sexy, carry-yourself-a-certain-way kind of beautiful. Don't sell yourself short just because you don't look just like them. It doesn't mean you're not as attractive. Most guys I know find all kinds of women attractive, not just one type.

As long as your new boyfriend isn't saying or doing anything to make you question your attractiveness, I'd say try to focus on what you have, physically, mentally, and personality wise. This reminds me of when I met my fiance's ex. She's actually a rocket scientist, and a very pretty one. She was your basic nightmare, until I met her. Then I realizsed she was very nice, but they had no real chemistry between them. I think you can't really break attraction down to physical features.

Last edited by Ruby13; 01-17-2006 at 11:58 PM.

Old 01-18-2006, 02:32 AM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,402
charlatans HB User
Re: New man insecurities, ex memories re-surfacing

youre right, youve got to be careful. dont be an ice queen but at the same time do not let your guards down. you dont want a repeat of what happened, you dont want your heart ripped out.
just take it easy. really slow. see how you get along. dont make any promises and dont expect anything. let it come with ease. enjoy it. if it doesnt go right, move on to the next. youve done brillantly so far.

Old 01-18-2006, 07:04 AM   #5
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 16
yob2u HB User
Re: New man insecurities, ex memories re-surfacing

I know someone who get's the same stereotype because he get's some headturns from the women.

Trust me. DON'T make any quick judgements just because this guy is attractive. My friend really has a rough time dating because of situations EXACTLY like this and he's the nicest most honest person I know.

Just because he's getting attention doesn't mean he's giving it back or that he's doing things secretly behind your back.

Throw the looks aside and really think about this before doing anything rash!

P.S. As far as the internet thing goes. Not to sound too corny but. Everyone's doing it. It's really no big deal nowadays and you two could always just make up a little scenario on how you met to satisfy the curiosity of friends and family (I know more than a few people who've done that). Just a little secret between you and he.

Last edited by yob2u; 01-18-2006 at 07:10 AM.

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