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Is it Cheating?

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Old 01-20-2006, 11:18 AM   #1
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Is it Cheating?

I found out 4 days before Xmas that my husband met a woman in Hong Kong and maintained an online relationship with her for a month!

What happened was, every November he has to go to Hong Kong for 3 weeks business. We've been friends for 5 years, married for 2. I completely trust(ed) him... Never doubted him. When he got back from this most recent trip, he changed his mind about having children, and started accusing me all the time of cheating on him. Finally I said "DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE?!"

That made me do the unthinkable! I snooped through his laptop! I found a hotmail account he had set up two days after he got back from Hong Kong... I got onto his email and saw this lady was emailing him things like " I love you, you are so important to me" stuff like that! Then I snooped on and found a bunch of pictures of her on his computer.

Because it was so close to Xmas I didn't mention it, But we had a 2 week trip to Europe planned, so I brought it up on Xmas morning (stoopid me) he cried and cried. Told me that they did not do anything in Hong Kong (she worked with him for three weeks) and that it was strictly an ONLINE relationship ... it still hurts though, is that concidered cheating?

Europe went OK. I am very distant to him now, and can't treat him the same, but it IS still fresh for me... We talk about it lots, and are going into counceling. But he insists he did not cheat ... I say "You told another woman you loved her! to me that is just as bad"

what do you think? *sorry it's so long!*

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Old 01-20-2006, 11:34 AM   #2
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Re: Is it Cheating?

I met and fell in love with someone on's a really long story about how I met him...not a dating service at all...anyway...not important. Let me tell you that the love I felt for this man was very strong...strong enough that I met him and I left my husband to be with him and I am still with him now. There's no way to know if your husband is lying that they weren't together but the truth is he's telling another woman that he loves her. I can only assume that he met her while in Hong Kong...came home and got his hotmail account set up so he could communicate with her asap. It's good that you are going to councelling but can you handle that he's been with another woman which is what you will more than likely always suspect. Can you trust him again? Some people can get over affairs and have a good marriage afterwards....good luck to you! BTW, it doesn't matter if they had sex or not, it's cheating!!!!!!!
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Old 01-20-2006, 11:46 AM   #3
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Re: Is it Cheating?

I think what really matters here is do you feel he betrayed you, To me cheating can be alot of things...emotional and physical . To tell someone you love them is a big big thing, whether it's because you really do or because you simply want sex. Remember he only broke down and cried because he got caught .

Old 01-20-2006, 12:53 PM   #4
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Re: Is it Cheating?

I would say in anyone's book of rules of what is and isn't appropriate, that expressing "I love you" to anyone other than their spouse would reasonably be cosnidered an affair of the heart. It is a significant betrayal of trust. To cheat on a partner is equivilent to betraying their trust. Your feelings of betrayal are not imagined. They are real.

Old 01-20-2006, 01:27 PM   #5
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Re: Is it Cheating?

Thank you guys for your input. I was wondering if I was over reacting or not. I did meet him online too (through work, we worked together online) so I guess it is kind of a pattern. He travels 79 days between Monday and June 1st ... so I hope I can trust him, or at least learn to re-trust him as I once did. It's just so dissapointing because before all this, he was the one person I've always trusted. I think I can get past this, but will not work on our relationship without counceling. He has agreed, so I guess that is a good start ?

Old 01-20-2006, 01:42 PM   #6
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Re: Is it Cheating?

Of course it is cheating. Emotional cheating can be even more serious and damaging than physical cheating. Him coming back and constantly accusing you of cheating was definetly projection. He probably felt so subconsciously guilty about what he was doing that he turned it around on you to try and diffuse his own feelings.

I don't know if this is something you can just let go of. How do you know that he is not still talking to this woman? You have no way of knowing, unless you make it a habit of going through his private things, which should not be necessary in a healthy relationship. So you will just have to use your instincts here, I guess. Good luck..

Old 01-21-2006, 12:35 AM   #7
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Re: Is it Cheating?

I don't think the issue should be whether what he's doing is a good sign or not, but whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who has betrayed your trust and developed strong feelings for another woman. I personally think you deserve a lot better, and I would definitely be strongly considering dumping him if I was you--you are definitely not over-reacting, so please don't worry about that! I also think you deserve a guy who will be around for you more consistently, along with one whom you can trust completely to be physically and emotionally faithful when he travels. But ultimately only you know what is the best choice for you, and I wish you all the best no matter what--good luck and take care!

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