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    Old 01-23-2006, 01:07 PM   #1
    steakie46
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    Am I too needy?

    Ok this is a heck of question, but I have been wondering if this had been another cause of my break up. I was reading the thread about shy and insecure and I have to say that I am shy and insecure (unfortunately). Anyways I think I did have a dependancy on my ex and thats not good either but like it said in the thread, when you are shy you don't really have that many other relationships to focus on, which is why I was always thinking of him and wanting to be with him, esp. since he is the person I am most comfortable around.

    Anyways back to the question at hand. Am I too needy? Examples:

    1.) I like to hear my man tell me he loves me for no reason. i mean out of the blue. It seems like my ex only said it when we got off the phone, or when we were leaving each other, after sex, or sometimes if I made him dinner. Now it made me kinda sad that he never said it for no reason. Is that stupid, or are most girls like that? I'm sure it has something to do with my insecurities, but it is something I like to hear.

    2.) Not only do i like to hear it, but I need him to show it. I need him to give me compliments and to bring me a flower for no reason. I need him to reassure me that I am the only one for him, i need the self esteem boost. I need him to surprise me once in a while with something that shows he loves me and only me.

    3.) I just want to feel loved because I am emotional and I need that. I used to tell my guy about how I wished he would say i love you for no reason, but he never really seemed to try and i guess it made me kinda mad, esp. b/c I did so much for him, and all i wanted in return was love.

    4.) I hate making people feel bad or fighting with someone ( yet I feel like I picked fights sometimes) without resolving it. I think it bothered my ex that whenever we fought I had to make sure he wasn't mad or sad and the fact that I wanted him to apologize. I know it is partly my fault because I have a little OCD so i tend to reitterate myself over and over and overanalyse things and take things too personally, which therefore proably makes him mad because he knows yet I have to repeat myself and get my thoughts out of my head. I got mad when we were in a fight and I left the room becasue I was getting really mad and he never even came after me even though he knew I was mad and upset. I think this one nowis pretty stupid. I am so weird b/c of my OCD that I have to be sure we both apologize and that everything and everythought we have about the situation is on the table. I can't help it I wish I was not weird like that.

    I need to feel loved physically and emotionally, is that being needy or is that normal? I just feel like I pushed my ex away because of these things, but all ever asked was to not only be loved (b/c I know he loved me) , but to just feel loved and for him show his love more...

    Sometimes becasue of my OCD I would be really insecure other times i would be ok, I don't know what to do about it.

    I just feel bad about the situation because I KNEW he loved me but that wasn't enough (and that sounds really crappy on may part) I needed him to show it and express it more, and i think I really drove him away by acting like that......

    Does anyone out there know how I feel? Can anyone relate? Or am I really just too needy?

    Last edited by steakie46; 01-23-2006 at 01:16 PM.

     
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    Old 01-23-2006, 01:16 PM   #2
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by steakie46
    I have to be sure we both apologize and that everything and everythought we have about the situation is on the table.
    I won't characterize any of this as weird or wrong, but I can guarantee much of these bahaviors will drive many men away. The above is a kiss of death to many men. Also, expecting to be followed to another room when you are mad because you have gone there in hopes that you will be followed is another activity many men will get tired of. These are games, whether you mean for them to be or not. They add unwanted drama to relationship and most men get weary of the emotional drama.

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 01:22 PM   #3
    steakie46
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    I agree, I guess it just made me mad when I would leave the room mad and he would just go back to what he was doing (watch tv or go to bed) and it just seemed like he didn't even care or want to resolve the issue. It's not as if I hope he will follow, but I just expect him to care enough, after ten minutes or so and we have cooled off, to come make sure I am ok and to make up and talk about it. Let me clarify that I didn't do it all the time, only when something really irked me. I just hate leaving a fight without reconciling. I really hate to hold anything in that I want to say, which is why I have to say everything I am feeling or thinking when we are fighting, which is probably not good, and i guess in a way I want him to say what he wants to say too, esp. since he was never really one to open up or be emotional.


    i just can't help but feeling like I messed up and lost the best person i ever had because of my strange emotions and tendencies. I know this was not the only problem, but I know it was one. I hope i grow out of this, b/c I really do hate acting this way.

    Last edited by steakie46; 01-23-2006 at 01:28 PM.

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 01:58 PM   #4
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    Hi, Steakie

    Some may call this needy or OCD or insecure or weird or abnormal, but I think you hit the nail on the head in your example No. 2 -- you said you need a self-esteem boost. As I read every one of your examples, I can see these all resulting in a self-esteem boost for you.

    You made me wonder when was the last time DH gave me a compliment. It was last night. I used to be a pretty bad cook. Everything had to be quick if I made it or take-out. Six months ago, I decided for health purposes that I needed to learn how to cook -- really learn how to cook gourmet good and learn all about nutrition, etc. DH's eyes pop out of his head now every night as he's licking his plate clean, thanking me so much for doing this, what an unbelievable dinner, "I love you, I love you, I love you." I mean, I didn't really set out to do this so I could get compliments or anything other than prolonging our lives with a healthier -- and tastier! -- diet. I set a goal, tackled it, learned, made a few mistakes along the way and achieved it. Now I feel great about it. After all the flowers DH has brought home to me and all the "You look greats" over the years, the best, heartwarming compliments I've gotten in a long time from him are resulting from a direct action I took upon myself -- for myself.

    And I think things like this automatically boosts your self-esteem, whether it's cooking or getting a great new job, getting a promotion, passing a really hard class with flying colors, learning something new, getting active with a community group or making a new friend with similar interests.

    Maybe if you can achieve more self-esteem for yourself from other aspects of your life, you won't feel as "needy" with your boyfriends/partners (and I'm not saying you are).

    Is there treatment or therapy available to help you cope with your OCD? If it involves counseling, maybe you could discuss self-esteem/insecurities, as well.

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 02:02 PM   #5
    Gundam
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    Hi Steaky, you just ask a simple question, hence I will only provide a simple answer. After reading what you have typed, YES you are needy; and there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you can find a good man prepared to provide such things to you.

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 02:07 PM   #6
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    I was this way I would sugesst counseling for you because sure you may grow out of it but chances are you will suffer alot more heart breaks before that time comes if it ever would.You need to get yourself in a place where you feel totaly secure with yourself with who you are and knowing that you do not need a man to be falling all over you first before you get into another close relationship.Thing is most men are just not this way and none are mind readers.One day you will marry and if this isnt resolved how will it be when your marriage maybe hits a dull moment because of life's stressors and other things I can almost garuntee during times like that you wouldnt be hearing much lovey dovey stuff till things got better which wouldnt mean your man does not love you but you would think it does.

    I didnt read about your break up so I cannot say what the true cause was do not beat yourself up though no sence in that just go talk to someone and work this out do good by yourself learn to love yourself then you can have a healthy relationship with a man

    good luck

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 02:18 PM   #7
    steakie46
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    Thank you everyone. It has been good advice. I just feel like I am the way i am and i can't help it, but if i stay this way how am i ever going to be happy or satisfied? I just feel like I will always end up driving my SO's away, i just feel like it will never be enough, or that I don't deserve to be happy if I act the way i do...

    Like I said the things we often fought about was how I needed those things from him in my post and he couldn't give it to me, but then he would say that I didn't appreciate him, when i really feel like i did and that I showed it by telling him i loved all the time for no reason and thanking him for buying me stuff and doing stuff...i'm confused....

    i hated how when we fought he was the first one to get mad but somehow it always got turned around on me, Like he would get mad at something and raise his voice so i would get mad b/c he was getting mad and there was no reason to be mad, and then I would get upset that he was mad b/c i don't want him to be mad, and then he would get mad that I was crying or that I was now mad too.......i know thats confusing but thats really what happened sometimes, and thats why I would leave the room and then get mad when he would not care to come say sorry or whatever.....

    I guess its ok to be the way i am if i can find a man who appreciates and loves everything about me and does all those things in the post (which therefore will make there be less fighting) but are there really men out there who do those things? I really don't know if any man would put up with me and understand me like that.......i feel really embarassed...why isn't my bf telling me he loves me two or three times a day enough? i don't know, i guess becasue it was always said when it was expected, when I wanted it to be spontaneous.....is that stupid? How do you learn to love yourself, and not be self conscious, and to have a high self esteem? I just want to be happy again, is that too much to ask?

    Last edited by steakie46; 01-23-2006 at 02:45 PM.

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 02:49 PM   #8
    punkrokchk2000
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    Oh Steakie... I had to do a double take about your post - I thought I had written it myself...

    I think and act like you in so many ways, it's actually really scary. I may be wrong, but here's my take on the situation: your self esteem, my dear, is very low - independence is the key...you should try to find hobbies that you enjoy that *don't* relate to your honey in the future. I know, I know...MUCH easier said than done...but it MUST be done. I'm sure you have other friends - go do things with them that don't involve your main sqeeze. In my case it was a very troubled childhood that has made me as clingy and needy as I am today. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm a virgo and that I overanalyze everything to death. I have HUGE trust issues because I've been lied to...I'm sure that explains why I need constant reassurance.

    You're wondering if there's guys out there that tolerate, or better yet - enjoy women that are clingy and needy....and by golly they ARE out there! I've been with my SO for about a year and a half...and he has been the sweetest guy through it all. He knows I have trust issues and he's been so incredibly patient. The beautiful thing is that we always make up after a fight - in the beginning it took a day or 2 for us to talk about it...but now it's within minutes. We do bicker sometimes, but we ALWAYS make up by the end of the day with great makeup snuggles. Maybe we're not normal, but I have to say through it all we're an (almost) perfect match.

    I know for a fact that many men wouldn't be able to tolerate our moods, steakie - more often than not have I driven men away with my neediness...as you have, too, I think. I'm sorry...I've been there. In my mind I feel that I just have so much passion and love to give, why can't I get that in return? I read part of a book yesterday: Women love intimacy and romance...Men love independence. DON'T be hurt if he doesn't tell you 3 times a day that he loves you, don't take it personal - just think that he's having a rotten day and that he's going to surprise you when you least expect it....

    God, I feel like I'm rambling...am I making any sense at all? I wish we could go out for a cup of tea, I think we could become great friends...

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 03:00 PM   #9
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    Alot of us here struggle with self esteem .. and self confidence ... I sure am one of them .. I think of it as an act .. a part in a play .. I pretend that I am confident in situations I HAVE to be in .. but in my private life .. I am a bundle of nerves .. I require constant re-asurance .. I know this is a fault .. I am working on it diligently .. but I can say this .. regardless of how my breakups have gone .. I have known some men that loved me despite my faults .. and loved me even though I needed to hear them say they werent mad at me every day ... I can say for certian that there is a person out there that likes every kind of woman (or man) .. and men that dont mind re-asuring us may be harder to find .. but not impossible.

    Honestly if someone is going to be with me ..then they have to love me .. faults and all
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    Old 01-23-2006, 03:03 PM   #10
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by steakie46
    How do you learn to love yourself, and not be self conscious, and to have a high self esteem?
    Well, I would imagine start out small. If the issues are very serious, you might want to think about talking to a professional.

    I would think, at first blush after reading all of this, that you first need to really resolve yourself to the fact that a boyfriend telling you he loves you, unexpectantly, three times a day is not necessarily going to make you a better person. Or following you to another room when you left mad.

    What will make you a better person? What are your interests? What are your goals for today, for tomorrow, for the end of the week, for the end of the year? (And I mean ask yourself these questions.) Set yourself some short- and long-term goals and really aim to reach them...for you, not for someone else. Personal achievements are for you, not necessarily others. They give a sense of worth, of independence, of "hell, yeah, I can do this!" And they don't have to be big -- or they can be. Does travel interest you? Ever been to Italy or France or Spain? Do you speak Italian, French or Spanish? If not and you've always wanted to travel, set yourself a goal to learn a new language and travel to a country you've always wanted to see. And if, three years down the road, you're finally ready to see Paris or Venice or Barcelona and you've got a great guy, well, maybe he can come along for the ride. If not, then you will have a wonderful time doing just what you want to do.

    Sometimes giving back a little does wonders for self-esteem. Do you like animals? If so, maybe volunteer four hours (like half a Saturday) a month at your local pet rescue place. If you like kids, the elderly, whatever, hospitals and schools are always looking for volunteers. Like a good debate and get all fired up about something? Maybe your local political chapters would be a nice outlet for you. Do you like to garden? I don't, don't know how to keep stuff alive, the bugs freak me out, as does the outdoor heat, but that's my next goal. What the heck...it certainly couldn't hurt, right?

    When was the last time you spent a selfish day on you, doing what you -- and only you -- enjoy? We all need those days once in a while

    The possibilities are really endless about how you can occupy your time with something really meaningful and/or important for you and your growth. Who knows? You may end up meeting someone you really hit it off with, with similar interests -- and not necessarily a SO...could be just a good friend, guy or girl

    Anyhoo, I really feel for you in your post. I can't believe this is something that can't be helped with maybe just a little bit of a different mindset on your part. Don't think, "What is or isn't he telling me or what is or isn't he doing?" Think, "What can I do for me?" At least for the time being, until you feel more in control and confident. Then you can introduce, "What can I do for us?" in to the equation

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 03:07 PM   #11
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    StenoLady....you said it so beautifully... thank you, I think your advice just helped me, too.

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 03:31 PM   #12
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    You do sound a little needy...but nothing overwhelming.

    I think it's important to look to yourself for your own happiness and not to rely on someone else for it...be it friend or S.O. Only you are responsible for yourself...putting that on someone else only opens you up to hurt and heartbreak. Sure you can hope and expect that somone who truly loves you will convey that to you in their own way but you can't rely on it all the time...that's when your own self-worth and confidence come into play...and trust in their love for you. Putting the responsibility of your happiness on someone else is a burden nobody asks for or needs and doesn't help to foster a growing relationship.

    Being self-confident and assured of your own happiness will attract people to you and that is the way to get the reassurances that feel nice and not require you to demand or expect them from someone. They will come naturally then and you don't need it as much anyway.

    Of course most people aren't perfect but I think it's a good thing to keep in mind.

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 03:51 PM   #13
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    Hey I would just say fake it! I used to be an emotional baby and I am a guy(NOT GOOD!) I conditoned myself just to not ever say anything stupid emotional junk or act weird if someting bothered me...unless it was sometheing that needed to be said. IT has something to do with your upbringing...maybe you did not get enough attention are never felt you met you parents standards...either way you can condition yourself out this and eventually you will naturally not be needy.

    Friendof has a good point too...never put your emotions into someone else. You are your own person....you should have your own life, hobbies, ideas etc w/o the direction or help of anyone else....that is how you become confident and less needy.

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 04:07 PM   #14
    steakie46
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by punkrokchk2000
    In my case it was a very troubled childhood that has made me as clingy and needy as I am today.
    Same here....


    the only thing is i feel bad b/c the reason my ex was not very emotional was b/c of his childhood, so i kinda feel like an a-hole.....I needed the emotional-romantic-feelings- in the relationship and b/c i of the reason i needed that, he couldn't give it to me..... it's weird though b/c you would maybe think since he did not get a lot of love and emotional attachment in his childhood that he would try to give that more, since he missed out on it, kinda like how men who's father possibly left when they were young strive to be the best fathers they can be...you know what I mean?

    Last edited by steakie46; 01-23-2006 at 04:18 PM.

     
    Old 01-23-2006, 04:11 PM   #15
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    Re: Am I too needy?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by StenoLady1
    I would think, at first blush after reading all of this, that you first need to really resolve yourself to the fact that a boyfriend telling you he loves you, unexpectantly, three times a day is not necessarily going to make you a better person. Or following you to another room when you left mad.

    I meant that I want him to tell me he loves me for no reason maybe once a day. And not just at the normal times you would (i.e. when saying bye or because I just said it first). I didn't mean for it to sound like I wanted him to do three times a day. I just meant I wish he would have done it more often for no reason, that's all. Or give a me compliment for no reason. i know it may be cheesy, but I like to hear a compliment and an I love you for no reason every now and then, it seems like my ex rarely did either.

    Thank you for the advice, I think i am having a bad, overanalyzing day today!

    Last edited by steakie46; 01-23-2006 at 04:12 PM.

     
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