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  • How to get up the nerve...

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    Old 01-24-2006, 11:36 AM   #1
    shmal
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    Unhappy How to get up the nerve...

    Well I am feeling that the time is nearing to actually get the divorce ball rolling.I'm just not sure how >I don't mean the legal part of it but the emotional part.My husband & I have been together 12.5 yrs(married 7.5 of them)We have 2 children, 6&10 yrs.Our first was an engagemant gift, lol!Anyway my hubby & I have no relationship/involvement w/each other.Basically we live as "roomates" we occasionally "meet" in the bedroom but that is few a far between,And truthfully if I don't initiate it,it doesn't happen(How things have changed over the years )I'm getting tired of feeling like I have no companionship from him.I do not expect him to fall allover me butsome interaction.We have talked till the cows come home and things are always the same,talk,a little better for a while then back to the same old stuff.He is a very hard worker,which is a good thing but so much so he puts work ahead of evertihng else.Granted he is at work & not out and about but non the less we are his family and he's not around.The next problem is that often if he is home from work I will work and I work evenings.So that does not help.But even when he's home he's occupied w/one of his projects..It just seems like I'm always alone he never has a loving word ,notthat he's mean ,he's just indifferent.I've had people ask me if I 've gotten divorced bcause they never see him.I don't feel that this is the way things should be.I want someone who's genuinelly interestd in me and about me.that make sme feel like I'm special or at least cared about.My big concern here is our children.Our 10 yr old particuallary(sp?)I think she would fall to pieces but is it right that we keep going on and on ?It's preety obvious that neither of us are "loving" the situation but I think it's gotten to the pointthat neither one care enough to do anything about it....Sorry to go on & on just needed to vent for a few mins....Sorry about the typos too..

     
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    Old 01-24-2006, 12:06 PM   #2
    dewdrop333
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    Re: How to get up the nerve...

    I think the first step is to talk to your husband .. go in with a plan .. say I want a divorce .. who is going to move out .. how are we going to make sure that the kids have ample time with both of us .. ect .. write it down if you are affraid that you will forget points ( I make lists for everything ). After you talk to your husband you both sit down with the kids together and talk about whats going on ... mommy and daddy both love you very much, but mommy and daddy arent going to live together anymore. We will both see you all the time .. and you can call (non custodial parent) any time you want to talk to them .. allow them to ask questions ... do it while you are calm .. do it together.

    I know how hard this is .. especially for the kids ... but telling them together and making sure they know it is nothing they did .. is key.

    I wish you well ...
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    Old 01-27-2006, 09:00 AM   #3
    Aalyisha
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    Re: How to get up the nerve...

    hi shmal,

    This is really difficuly situation and in a way i know where you are coming from because grwoing up my dad was the same, except he was very abusive etc which made things very hard but that is beside the point, what i am saying is from your kids point of view this relationship could be damaging to them, to grow up with your relationship wiht your hubby obviousley being there first example of an adult relationship and maybe its different for your kids but i remember picking up on ALOT more than what my mom thought i did.
    You dont want your kids to grow up and feel that the kind of relationship that you and your husband is the right way to live and is all they should expect out of a relationship.

    If you and your husband have talked countless times and the 'changes' he tried to make have never stuck then sorry to say but maybe the way he behaves is just the way he is . if that is not the kind of life you want to live then you dont have to live it.

    He is not making you happy, and obvuoisely is not willing to change. I would suggest that if divorce is something that you are considering then you sit down and talk to him about it. If you are thinking of doing it and want to hurt your kids as little as possible then you must make sure you talk to him and niot just get up and walk away as later on in life at least your kids will know that you tried and they will understand that its unfair for you to be unhappy.

    Can i just ask what his parents are like together? do they behave the way he does? if they do then what i previousley said could have alot of truth in it...kids pick up on ALOT and sometimes do model there future relaionshops on there parents

     
    Old 01-27-2006, 09:12 AM   #4
    keepsgoin
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    Re: How to get up the nerve...

    Divorce is devastating to most children...seek counciling first. I have seen so many people put themselves before the kids and say..."it's my life!!!" Then regret it terribly and wish they had at least stuck it out for the kids. Even my sister that was in a relationship with a man that wasn't physically abusive but always seemed to put her down constantly and made her always feel so bad...even she wishes she had been able to at least stay for the sake of the children because let me tell you the divorce tore those kids up bad! JMHO
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    Old 01-27-2006, 10:30 AM   #5
    Veronica_Mars
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    Re: How to get up the nerve...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by keepsgoin
    Divorce is devastating to most children...seek counciling first. I have seen so many people put themselves before the kids and say..."it's my life!!!" Then regret it terribly and wish they had at least stuck it out for the kids. Even my sister that was in a relationship with a man that wasn't physically abusive but always seemed to put her down constantly and made her always feel so bad...even she wishes she had been able to at least stay for the sake of the children because let me tell you the divorce tore those kids up bad! JMHO
    I think the children mentioned above would have been hurt and traumatized even more had their mother stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship. That kind of abuse can take a terrible toll on a woman's self esteem over the years, which I believe is likely a large part of why she now regrets her decision...her husband frequently putting her down and making her think her life is worthless without him and that everything is her fault is going to have severe effects on her view of herself and her family that will probably require serious therapy to begin to get over. Whatever the effects of divorce on children, the effects of growing up witnessing a dysfunctional and unhappy relationship between their parents are likely to be just as bad if not much worse. To me, it's very sad that people still have such outdated and inaccurate views about the effects of divorce on children...while it's not easy for them to cope with a divorce, it's not any easier to grow up watching their parents be unhappy together and much less fulfilled and content than they would be if they were apart. It's so much healthier for kids to be raised by happy, satisfied parents, regardless of whether or not they live together, than to grow up thinking that a miserable, repressive marriage is normal and acceptable...the vast majority of people who end up in marriages involving repression and especially abuse grew up in households where one or both parents mistreated the other. In cases of abuse, kids are undoubtedly much better off with their parents divorcing than staying together and thus having the kids grow up thinking that such abuse is the normal way men and women should interact, to say nothing of the effects of seeing their parents miserable and their mother sinking deeper and deeper into victimhood and self-loathing as a result of being consistently mistreated and abused.

    Anyway, as the child of parents who I love dearly and with both of whom I maintain close relationships who divorced when I was a baby, I couldn't disagree more with the idea that parents should stay in unhappy marriages under the misguided assumption that it will be better for their children. While both of my parents get along great with me, they are so incompatible that living with both of them as a child would have been horrible and miserable...the house would have been full of constant fighting and both of my parents would have been incredibly unhappy. I couldn't be happier or more relieved that they spared me this torturous childhood by divorcing, which made them both much happier than they could have ever been together, and which therefore made me a much happier child than if I was raised by two miserable people trapped in a marriage that didn't fulfill either partner. I am so much better off because my parents were both happy with their lives throughout my childhood...I don't think it's selfish at all for parents to divorce if doing so will make them much more content. Going through the turmoil and drama and financial challenges involved with divorce is not selfish--kids deserve to have their parents be as emotionally healthy and fulfilled as possible. It's just not at all true that kids are better off with unhappily married than with divorced parents, and this is especially false when abuse is involved...it just makes me sad and disgusted when people think that being married is more important than being happy when it comes to being a good parent and raising well-adjusted, content children.

     
    Old 01-27-2006, 03:23 PM   #6
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    Re: How to get up the nerve...

    Well, to me it just sounds like she's in a boring marriage, nothing abusive. It's so easy to start thinking about having this wonderful, blissfull...smooching, hugging, having sex all the time marriage and seldom is marriage really like that. OK so she leaves him because there isn't any more romance...will she ever find that? Maybe..maybe not! Just beware of leaving to find something else that may not even be out there. That's why I suggested counciling to get out in the open how you both feel. I'm not saying this out of stupidity...I'm saying this as someone who has lived it and regretted it!!!!!!

    And about the comment on my sisters children being worse if she had stayed...I suppose they could be dead...They are drug addicts and alcoholics and always when they are drunk bring it up how bad they hate her for divorcing their dad!!!! And please don't say they need counciling...they have been counciled since they were kids and go to council all the time!
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    Last edited by keepsgoin; 01-27-2006 at 03:26 PM.

     
    Old 01-27-2006, 03:43 PM   #7
    Veronica_Mars
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    Re: How to get up the nerve...

    KG, you make a lot of good points, and I didn't mean to imply that counseling isn't a smart idea. It's definitely worth trying to save this marriage, though if there just isn't any love there, I'm not sure if it would help that much. It's definitely true that there are no guarantees that just because someone leaves a loveless relationship, that they will find love again. There just aren't any guarantees where love and relationships are concerned, unfortunately. This is why I think that it's smartest to make decisions involving relationships without assuming another relationship will come along anytime soon and make whatever choice makes you the happiest, either being alone or being with one's current partner. And KG, I am very sorry to hear about your sister's kids--it sounds like their dad might have done quite a number on them as well as on your sister, though I hope that isn't true--and I hope things improve for that family soon. It is really sad that they had to grow up with an abusive father, especially thinking that their mother deserved to be hated for leaving an abusive relationship, when I'm sure she was only trying to do what she believed was best for her and her children, who unfortunately were dealt a very tough hand in life. Anyway, best wishes to you, your family, and to the original poster, no matter what she decides .

     
    Old 01-28-2006, 09:01 PM   #8
    shmal
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    Re: How to get up the nerve...

    Well thanks all!KG I'm not looking for that "blissful" lovey-dovey stuff.I just feel as a married couple we should have a relationship of some sort as for sex I really could careless one way or the other.I know that divorce can devastate children my mom is on #3 hubby.But if my mom and bio dad didn't divorce I probably wouldn't be here now...As for my DH parents they were highschool sweethearts They really live in some dilussional world if you ask me.My father in law is the charge taker and she just(mother in law) goes along,but to each thier own.Like I said b4 myDH is not bad he's just not.....On the very few occasions that we actually go out together,alone,it's enjoyable but that is MAYBE 3 times a year,otherwise he does his thing & I do mine And if that's the type of marriage I have then I don't think that's so great.

     
    Old 01-29-2006, 06:30 AM   #9
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    Re: How to get up the nerve...

    But maybe he just thinks that you are "peachy" with this relationship. This is not unusual to start happening in a marriage and sometimes man can be kinda dense about things...heehee...sorry guys. That's why I suggest couciling so he will realize he's fixing to lose you if he doesn't start to do some things with you. My poor husband didn't know what hit him when I decided I wanted a divorce...he would have flown to the moon if he could have instead of getting a divorce and losing me. I made the mistake of getting involved with someone else and falling in love with them instead of getting my marriage back on track...huge mistake!!!!!
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    Old 02-03-2006, 04:39 PM   #10
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    Re: How to get up the nerve...

    I feel that I am in a similar situation. My husband and I have little in common other than our kids. Although not abusive he is very verbally rude and tends to be frequently irritable. He rarely wants to leave the house unless it is something he wants to do...is a very self-centred, selfish person. But....he is also physically ill...he is morbidly obese (400+ lbs) and has many problems associated with obesity...including major depression. Although he seems to know his weight is a problem he just keeps adding to the problem...like starting to smoke again. I finally told him I was thinking of leaving...I am so unhappy. But...the kids and I are all he has. He manipulated me into staying , making a lot of promises, none of which he has followed though on. I am staying now because I care about him, and feel very sorry for him, not to mention my kids will be devasted if we leave their dad. They feel sorry for him too and they are only 6 & 8. Like I said I care about him, love him in a way but am not in love with him. How do I get the courage up to leave someone so obviously in a bad place?

     
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