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    Old 01-30-2006, 04:48 PM   #1
    newyorkny36
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    My girlfriends past...

    I have a problem... Normally I am a pretty level headed guy and I try my best to not care about any girl that I am involved with's past.

    This girl that I am seeing now has me questioning myself and why I care about this all over again. She is an alcoholic. She is sober now - and an active member of AA - but she has mentioned in several conversations how she has had a lot of meaningless sex in the past. Seeing as I have never had meaningless sex I can't get over it. I have only been with a few people (less than 10) and I have had a deep attraction to all of them.

    She has told me about being with two men at once multiple times as well as sleeping with more than 100 guys in total. She has also sold herself for money and/or gifts (including rent). She appears to be a totally different person now but she is heavily medicated (taking prozac and levoxyl) and I don't know why I can't look past her old debauchery and see the woman she is now.

    What can I do? Just forget it and move on or does this really matter? She is also telling me after 6 months of dating that she sees our relationship as something fun to do right now. The future is nothing she can plan for.

     
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    Old 01-30-2006, 04:55 PM   #2
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    She is being very honest with you and proably the part you should focus on most is the part about how she sees your "...relationship as something fun to do right now. The future is nothing she can plan for...".

    Why get so worked up about her promiscuous past of there is not much likelihood of a long term future. If it bothers you that much, you may just need to find someone that is more like what you are looking for. Not everyone is suitable for everyone, and even some people we really, really like are not who we are best suited to.

    Last edited by Music4All; 01-30-2006 at 05:05 PM.

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 05:04 PM   #3
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    But after 6 months of dating she eludes to "moving in together" sometimes. Other times she is very happy go lucky. She tells me that she only wants to be with me and I am the best man she has ever met. Then she'll turn around and say that the future is up in the air. I think she has been hurt in the past - badly - so being with me makes her scared. Maybe I am totally wrong here...

    I'm torn between sticking it out with this one just to see where it goes... or breaking it off to be just friends.

    I guess if I could figure out women all my problems would be solved.

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 05:09 PM   #4
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    Committing to a long term relationship with an alcoholic that is also on mood altering drugs requires a great deal of thought and heavy does of reality. You are an adult and can make that choice, but if you do you have to accept what will come with it.

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 05:20 PM   #5
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    Hey there. How long has your girlfriend been sober?

    I myself am a testament that people can change. The past five years, I had the double whammy of being a young adult and an alcoholic, wreaking havoc wherever I went. I brought new meaning to meaningless sex, and also did a brief stint in prostitution. But now that I'm sober and older that is all behind me and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will never go back to a life like that. So people can change. But it sounds like your girlfriend may still have a lot of emotional issues to deal with.

    I don't think you can necessarily hold yourself to a higher standard than your girlfriend because a lot of her sex partners were meaningless flings but yours were true loves. When people are lost and not emotionally stable they do a lot of dumb things, but it does not mean they are lesser people. She obviously has had a very rocky life and is having a heck of time trying to come into her own.

    I can't tell you whether you should stay with her or not, but if you do it may be wrought with a little drama. If she is very new to sobriety, they usually caution people not to date until they have been sober for awhile just so they can get their lives in order. She says the relationship is only for fun, then talks about moving in together...she probably doesn't really know what she wants yet. And yes, it is a big load to take on somebody who is trying to overcome addiction and is not yet emotionally stable. I would be careful, at least for now, not to become too seriously involved until the woman becomes stronger and grows as a person.

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 05:34 PM   #6
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    She's been sober for 4.5 years. She has had a troubled life - obviously. Her father died when she was young and she squandered the family inheritance to drink herself silly all over Europe for 3 years.

    Now she has a good job and is paying back her family but she often freaks out and retreats back to child like behavior - especially around her family.

    Honestly I don't know what I see in her. I consider myself a very skilled relationship person. I do a lot of reading and spiritual work within myself to maintain a positive outlook in most situations. I also am a very easy going person - but this one is a serious challenge.

    Honsestly what you say is helpful. I think the bottom line is that she thinks she is "damaged goods" from her sexual past. Those thoughts of hers are making me also think of her as "damaged goods". Her self confidence is so low that I find myself complimenting her 50+ times per day. I have caught her cutting herself and practising bulemia. These are all warning signs to me but...maybe I am cocky - I think I can "help" her or at least wait until she helps herself.

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 05:46 PM   #7
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    Okay...it is a bit more clear now. It is never, never, never a good idea to think you can help or save somebody you are in a relationship with. I have also had my bouts with bulemia and self-injury. It is awesome that she has been sober for so long, but it sounds like she just transferred from one self-destructive behavior to another. Is she in therapy?

    If you love her and honestly want to see her better - not to build your ego, but because it hurts you to see her hurt - then that is great. All you can really do is stand by her and support her, but you cannot save her on your own. You cannot learn another person's lessons for them. I would encourage her to go therapy, is she isn't already, and just be available for her if she wants to talk. I honestly don't know whether to tell you to stay with her or not. I was never able to hold a real, serious relationship when I was bulimic, alcoholic, or self-injuring. They were always filled with drama. It also sounds like she might have Borderline Personality Disorder.

    I think that if you really love her, selflessly love her, then you should stay with her and be there for her. But don't stay with her just because you look at her as some kind of project or something (not saying that you do). Usually it is the woman who thinks she can "save" a man, one who does drugs, lands in jails, etc. Relationships should be about two functioning, capable adults who are able to nurture each other. If one person has still not healed and come into their own, there will usually be A LOT of trouble, and won't be a relationship so much as a soap opera.

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 05:48 PM   #8
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by newyorkny36
    She's been sober for 4.5 years. She has had a troubled life - obviously. Her father died when she was young and she squandered the family inheritance to drink herself silly all over Europe for 3 years.

    Now she has a good job and is paying back her family but she often freaks out and retreats back to child like behavior - especially around her family.

    Honestly I don't know what I see in her. I consider myself a very skilled relationship person. I do a lot of reading and spiritual work within myself to maintain a positive outlook in most situations. I also am a very easy going person - but this one is a serious challenge.

    Honsestly what you say is helpful. I think the bottom line is that she thinks she is "damaged goods" from her sexual past. Those thoughts of hers are making me also think of her as "damaged goods". Her self confidence is so low that I find myself complimenting her 50+ times per day. I have caught her cutting herself and practising bulemia. These are all warning signs to me but...maybe I am cocky - I think I can "help" her or at least wait until she helps herself.
    either sh## or get off the pot. if you don't have the security within yourself to get past her past, then move on.

    oh and hte whole "i think i can help her" isnt a healthy basis for a relationship, for either of you... you get lots of attention and love from her because she sees you as her saviour, which you'll enjoy, but at the same time, it's kinda manipulating her weakness.

    oh and usually with "rescue chicks" as soon as their on stable footing, or the first time they think "he's not there for me" it'll be over, and she'll move onto a new "hero" within a week. Rescue chicks are like Cocain, addictive, but you know your going to lose everything.

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 08:59 PM   #9
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    stay away!!! Has she had an STD test? because you definately need to be careful of that with someone who has been with such an outrageous number of people

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 09:21 PM   #10
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    To be honest, it really upsets me when people think they are more moral or somehow better than people who have had a lot of sex just because they haven't had much sexual experience. It just seems like such people invariably wish they would have had more experience but weren't able, over the course of their lives, to find many people who were interested in becoming involved with them. So whenever a guy is so insecure as to be threatened and troubled by his girlfriend having had a lot of guys want her and experience her in the past, it tends to make me defensive. I don't want to let that color my advice, however, it sounds like you might be in a bit of denial as to how your insecurities and the fact that you seem embarrassed by the very limited amount of sexual partners you've had are influencing your opinions about your partner. To say that all your partners were meaningful just because you felt a meaningful attraction to them strikes me as an attempt to compensate for your lack of sexual experience and to take it out on people who have felt a strong attraction to more people and been lucky enough to have more people than you have had take them up on their interest in sexual involvement. A lot of guys who aren’t extremely popular with women tend to resent attractive women who have had their pick of male partners since they were old enough to be interested in sex…by your age, that means that a particularly desire woman with a strong sex drive and not much interest in settling down could easily have racked up a hundred partners without having been at all indiscriminate in her choice of lovers. For many men, this can exacerbate their preexisting insecurities and lack of pride regarding their own limited sexual experience, as it’s a lot harder for the average guy to find a willing female partner than it is for a good-looking woman. I don't mean to be critical, I really don't, but I think you should examine how your own preoccupations and insecurities are impacting the way you view this entire situation before making any firm decisions about how to proceed with the woman you're currently dating.

    Anyway, her past doesn’t really matter at all, and if you were truly in love with this woman and envisioned a future with her, I think you would be eager to do anything you can to leave her past in the past and embrace her, as well as love her, unconditionally from now on. The fact that you are unable to look past the fact that a lot more men have been with her than woman have been with you either suggests that you are suffering from a debilitating lack of self esteem about your lack of sexual experience or that you are judging your girlfriend because you resent her past being so different than yours. If the first is true, then you should seriously consider seeking professional help to try to come to terms with the fact that not many women have as much trouble as men when it comes to finding desirable partners who throw themselves at them and make it very hard to say no to sex. A TON of men out there let this bother them, probably because they have spent so much time and effort trying to find women they like who feel the same way about them and want to get physical without experiencing much success and therefore can’t help being resentful or even hostile deep down toward attractive women who have never had the slightest bit of trouble finding men who are eager to take them to bed. But in this case, it sounds more likely that the latter situation outlined above is the primary problem, and that your minimal sexual experience and your personal values regarding sexual involvement are causing you to have considerable objections to her being open to a wide variety of different partners and going through periods in her past where she was less than discriminating about with whom she was willing to be intimate. My personal feeling is that you’re having these concerns because you have hesitations about this woman, and because subconsciously, it’s easier for you to blame these reservations on her past, her sexual experience, her problems with bulimia and cutting, and her lack of certainty regarding her future with you than to admit that you may not be the kind of open-minded, accepting partner that she needs. If she’s just not the right woman for you and you know that deep down, then don’t worry about anything but being honest, upfront, and immediately letting her know that you aren’t interested in pursuing any further relationship with her. But the fact that you lump all 3 billion women in the world together and patronize them by assuming they are all alike and that you could easily understand all of them by understanding “women,” makes me think that a number of the insecurities, hang-ups, and preoccupations I listed above might be at play here, and that you might benefit dramatically from seeking therapy regarding your issues with women and relationships.

    But what this particular issue really boils down to is, can you see yourself with this woman in the future or not? If you just can’t envision yourself forming a long term relationship with a woman with her problems and her sexual past, then you’re doing both of you a disservice by continuing to see her and maintaining the illusion that there is still a possibility of a future with her. So if anything that she has done or is doing will inevitably stand in the way of you being amenable with a future of her, I really hope you will be honest with yourself and her by cluing her into the fact that you don’t view you two as compatible. If however, you really like her and are just having a hard time getting over the idea that she’d had a lot more sex than you with a lot more people, then that is your issue, and working with a professional counselor is probably the best way to overcome your bitterness and resentment toward women who have never had any trouble having as much sex as they wanted with just about any guy they desired, which is a very common reason why men feel hostile towards women and have difficulty forming and sustaining mutually satisfying, long term relationships. And guys who object to that number of partners for a woman should give some serious thought to whether they are sexist and hold women to absurdly outdated standards of modesty…it sickens me how many guys out there want women who have little sexual experience, yet envy and congratulate their male friends who succeed in bedding a large number of women. Anyway, it would definitely be worth your while to address any hang-ups and other issues that may be getting in the way of you being able to leave the past in the past and focus on enjoying the future with a woman you really like without obsessing about her past or letting her previous sexual experience cause resentment or insecurity within you that prevents you from being able to devote your full attention, energy, and enthusiasm to a woman who could potentially greatly enrich your life and improve your overall satisfaction with life and love. In any event, I wish both of you nothing but the best and hope that you both find happiness very soon…I also hope that everything works out for the best with this situation. Good luck and take care!

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 10:35 PM   #11
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    First, tell your GF congratulations on accomplishing such a HUGE task. With no personal experience myself, I have a friend who just kicked the drinking habit for good and she was a mess at first. Flash-fwd 3 years later, she's still in recovery and in much better condition.

    Being involved with an alcoholic (your GF will always be an alcoholic) is like being on a roller coaster. I was involved with a guy for over a year who's an alcoholic. He was fun.... but I couldn't handle the roller coaster. His AA mentor (I forgot the term used) said that a lot of alcoholics are like that, manic, then they calm down, but not depressive. Their past can somewhat be hard to understand because they were under the influence and most of them didn't even know what they were doing.

    Get on the coaster and enjoy the ride. Test it out to see if you can handle it.... otherwise, if you can't, get off the ride like I did and go out with someone who may not have a "questionable" past.

    P.S. Get yourself tested.... just a suggestion and wear condoms... don't leave home without it.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 10:37 PM   #12
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    I think it only means that you are very serious about this girl, more serious than you know it ... otherwise ... if she's not important to you at all, then why would you even care ?! ...

    No doubt that she's awefully weak now, mainly because of the rocky past she has had. Since you are the best man she has even met, she needs you the most now. Ask yourself !! If she's that important to you then you should take good care of her and assist her to live her life again, for herself, and for yourself; & don't blame her if she has no future plan, it's simply because she never had a future. You might be able to bring a future to her together, but I'm just speaking as a 3rd person not involved, only you know best; and you should.

    Best of luck. God bless you both.

     
    Old 01-31-2006, 05:08 AM   #13
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    Sexual Experience is an elastic term...
    TEN partners? You could fall in love with a woman who has been waiting for the man she marries - for a special experience that is theirs and theirs alone.
    She could look at you with your ten meaningful experiences and be horrified.
    Then you'd be sittting right where your girlfriend is right now with someone who thinks YOUR morals are a bit loose.
    Personally if I was her I wouldn't discuss my history with anyone (as long as there's a clean bill of health) - what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Or in the much different 70's.

    What does concern me is the combination of her off-hand discussion of her past, the fact that an alcoholic is always an alcoholic coupled with her other issues of cutting & bulimia. There's working the program and then there's substituting other addictions.
    Add to that that she has SAID that there's nothing serious going on for her with you while you seem to be quite involved. "Moving in together" doesn't always mean there is a deep commitment or involvement on the other person's part.

    Nobody can tell you what to do - but I'd try to go very VERY VERY slowly if you go forward at all.

     
    Old 01-31-2006, 10:42 AM   #14
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    Thanks for your advice. It really helps.

    Honestly I don't care about the past number of partners as much as I care about the prostitution and orgy stuff. I've been with as many women as I want and I choose them how I want. She does too. Everyone has a right to do that and who am I to try to control anyone? It is how she chooses or rather chose in the past that concerns me. Having a lot of sex is one thing but selling yourself for money is another.

    That and the fact that she is self destructive now is not good. I just don't want to get too involved and then have her run off with another man in a year or two - which is what has happened to me a lot in the past.

    Thanks in advance.

     
    Old 01-31-2006, 10:53 AM   #15
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    Re: My girlfriends past...

    I think that your gut instinct is telling you what would be best for you...
    It doesn't seem to be a relationship that has alot going for it in your mind, you may want to think ahead a bit..

     
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