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    Old 01-30-2006, 10:41 PM   #1
    whatafool
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    Unhappy I feel like such a fool

    I feel like such an idiot. I should have listened to my gut, but I didn't. My boyfriend of 2 years started seeing someone else, but of course I believed him that he wasn't and I just found out today that it was all true. The thing I'm most upset about is that he lied. He says he lied because he didn't want to hurt me. What's that supposed to mean? I gave him ample opportunity to tell me the truth. I had been getting anonymous text messages saying he was with someone else, but when confronted, he of course, would deny it. Then the messages turned into phone calls, then emails confirming what I already knew. I feel so stupid for wanting to believe him, knowing he was lying. Does anyone tell the truth in relationships? I know time heals all wounds, and there is a lesson to be learned here, but, how do I move forward, date someone new, not repeat my mistakes, and yet trust the next person. I feel so damaged and betrayed. Of course, this isn't the first time I've had my heart broken, but it just never gets easier.

     
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    Old 01-30-2006, 10:48 PM   #2
    Gundam
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    There are lots of honest guys out there, you just have to be careful when choosing who to date. It also depends on where you meet the people ... just consider yourself unlucky this time. Time will heal anything, as you have already mentioned ... whe you have finally met the real one & then look back ... every breaking up stories of yours will only become interesting stories of your past. No more, no less.

    Stay tough !!

     
    Old 01-30-2006, 11:01 PM   #3
    whatafool
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    thank you. I just feel like I am going crazy. I keep going over details, over and over again, torturing myself. I know it's because it is so fresh, and that eventually everything will get better. Right now I'm just beside myself with grief and disbelief. I don't want to burden my friends with every single thought. They're very supportive, but I know that people can only listen to so much. I could just kick myself. I actually broke up with him in November because of other issues, but he begged me to come back and wanted to work it out. I knew better, but hoped for otherwise. I wish I could fast-forward to a month from now when the hurt is less.

     
    Old 01-31-2006, 02:05 AM   #4
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    Hello,

    I'm so sorry it hasn't worked out for you. I'm proud you had the good sense to dump him last year, & I'm sure he knew just what to say & do to get round you afterwards.

    A few years ago I managed to convince myself for several months that 'he' was a sincere bloke & I should live with his cancelling at short notice etc etc Turns out he was married with 3 kids.

    My theory. There are some b******* out there, & they're not always easy to spot. But there are good people out there. And to get into a relationship , you do have to take something of a risk.

    I've sure you've heard this before - but can you find yourself things to do to occupy your mind. It won't stop the memories coming back later on, but you'll be getting on with your life, & as you said it wiill ease.

    Good luck,

    H

     
    Old 01-31-2006, 04:16 AM   #5
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    I feel your pain! You may want to read my post 'red flags or paranoia' cos I am going thru the exact same thing. I failed to mention in my post that i too had been recieving annonymous phonce calls saying that my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years was cheating on me or at least had done and was planning on doing it again on the planned weekend away (which he booked behind my back i will add). I have yet to establish the truth despite confrontations with him but due to all that has happened it aint looking good! He swears that he would never and has never but i must admit i have my doubts....you will understand when you read my post. I can say that i doubt anything has gone on while he was here with me, as we are together all of the time, every night as we live together and he very rarely goes out without me. However, the problems started when he worked away for a few months, he home now but as i said he booked to go back for a weekend to see everyone there! I am in torment at what to do, we have argued, dicussed and cried but i have no solid proof at least he has admitted to you and you can finally move on! I on the other hand have been told by family and friends that his beahviour is suspicious but until i have solid proof or i cant cope anymore i have to give him the benefit of the doubt, whihc i know alot of folk fond extremely difficult to understand.

     
    Old 01-31-2006, 04:25 AM   #6
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    aww honey. You must be feeling so bad, but please dont. You feel betrayed, hurt, stupid, humilated...but please, please, please dont because there is no fault of yours. Hes the fault. You trusted him, and of course, thats normal- you were with him for two years. Of course you wouldnt expect this.
    Dont think about him or whats happened. Youre better than he is. You may think that his new interest is better than you, that you needed replacing but dont! Dont think about this disgusting jerk. Its really not worth it. Its easier said than done, I know, but ignore him, dont speak to him, cut off all contact, please. Itll help you get over him and move on.
    No decency or respect- makes me so angry. Why do people do things like this? Please dont give this guy another minutes thought. Dont let him have another second!
    Its going to be hard, but youll get over him and youll start enjoying life again soon.

     
    Old 01-31-2006, 06:57 AM   #7
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by whatafool
    I feel like such an idiot...Does anyone tell the truth in relationships? I know time heals all wounds, and there is a lesson to be learned here, but, how do I move forward, date someone new, not repeat my mistakes, and yet trust the next person. I feel so damaged and betrayed. Of course, this isn't the first time I've had my heart broken, but it just never gets easier.
    First of all, you are not a fool or an idiot. We all put our hearts on the line when we get involved with someone. That doesn't make you foolish. Most things in life come with risk. As for why so many people lie, I wish I knew. I do know that women are just as guilty of lying as men. I've been lied to and betrayed by women and it's certainly colored the way I look at women in general. But all we can do is learn from our mistakes. One thing I've learned is that it's better to start off as friends. The relationships I've had that started out as friendship were always better precisely because they were based on friendship, and not things like love or lust which tend to wear off over time. But if you were friends from the start, then that makes it a lot harder to do anything to hurt one another or take the person for granted. That's why I take it slow before rushing into things. If I meet someone, even if there's an immediate attraction or that rare "chemistry", I'd rather take my time and become friends with them first.

     
    Old 01-31-2006, 07:10 AM   #8
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    your not an idiot, your just very hurt, and it does hurt cus iv been their twice, and i maybe more times. Just hold on to the feeling that you are a nice person, and not the one in the wrong.

    good luck!!!

     
    Old 01-31-2006, 09:54 AM   #9
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    There is no guarantee that next time you won't be hurt again. If you want to find somebody you had to take chances.

     
    Old 01-31-2006, 10:19 AM   #10
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    Ya.. I was betrayed by a person I was with for 12 years. It felt like the end of the world. I felt so unwanted and betrayed. At first I thought that it was the end of the world. That without him there was no mean. But as time went on, I began to heal. You must have a grieving process, not good to hold things in. The way I started to get over it was just by chatting with people. No relationships, no dating just taking. Talking with all different types of peopel. Finding interesting things about other personalities. It really help me build my confidence up and get the ability to talk to another person, realize there is so much more out there that I have not uncovered and so much more to explore. It became exciting and my pain just slowly faded. Now its almost 2 years later and I have been dating somebody for 9 months. First serious relationship since the spit. But I needed that time to get over what I went through and I have no trust issues at all, I am really happier, happier than I thought I could ever be. Just let out what you have to, do your grieving but keep strong, dont cave back into him. You will be fine. I know we always feel like its the end of the world when we break up with somebody... There is no way to ease the pain no matter how many times you go through it. It just a matter of staying strong and having the will to go on. Good luck. I know that you will be happy again one day!
    Jenn

     
    Old 02-01-2006, 07:48 AM   #11
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    You're NOT a fool! Believe me, I understand where you are coming from. My story is different than yours in that I have no proof that my ex cheated on me (and I would like to think he didn't). However, he broke up with me after treating me really wierd/not wanting to see me for a month...and I just thought it was due to his adjustment to rigorous dental school...ha! Thats how he passed it off when he broke up with me through his tears, too ("I need to find myself"/"I need to be alone"/"It doesnt have to be all or nothing"/"THere are no other girls, I will only think about you"). Crying, crying, crying- he seemed very sincere and confused the he** out of me.
    Well I had started having this wierd feeling about this other girl in his program who was in his new circle of close friends he had recently made. He was just always spending time in her room (with other people of course, to my knowledge) studying and hanging out...never wanted to be with me that last month. And she was super nice to me too which was somewhat wierd.
    ANyway, I dont think he cheated on me, because he still brought me around his friends, and I dont think he would have had the guts to do that if that was the case (unless no one knew but him and her). Well...my point is, I had a gut instinct, so after he dragged out our break-up for a month (telling me he didnt know if it was over but telling his friends he was ready to move on), I finally asked him, are you with/interested in _____(girl's name)? He said straight-out...No, why would you think that? Then he cried again when I started asking him what had happened to us and our plans for children and marriage...sooo confusing to me!!
    Well, a few weeks later, I was drunkenly snooping to see what he was up to, and I saw a gazillion pictures of him and her looking cozy, and him and her in groups standing next to each other. I cried hysterically, and asked him if they were dating. He said no, but that there was something between them. Mind you, this is 2 months from the day that he said 'I need to be alone', and only 2 weeks later from when I specifically used her name.
    I know my story is long, I just want to give it to you in a nutshell to show you that, I had a gut too, and it was right...but I wasn't a fool. HE lied to ME by not telling me that he left me because he was interested in this girl or wanted to pursue other ppl. HE was the fool for misleading me and being so selfish and immature. I believed him when he said he was stressed and too busy to give me his time, but that he wanted to even though he couldn't. So, for all I know, he could have cheated on me or been flirting with her while we were still together...but we'll just say he had 'interest' in her.
    I can't tell you enough how hard it is to be betrayed by someone you loved so much. I have never loved anyone like i loved my ex. I put him on a pedastool, which makes this a lot more difficult- he was religious and (I thought) extremely moral and respectful...it feels like the end of the world when someone you put 110% of your trust in just changes as an entire person.
    My advice is: try not to blame yourself for 'seeing the red flags' and doing nothing about it. You are the victim here, not the one who is in fault. HE is. Same with my ex- they showed very, extremely low character here...we are the ones that were high in character because all we did was love the other person (and you even gave yours a second chance!)
    It will take a while to get over this. I'm still working on it, and I'm not even the best taker of my or anyone's advice at all. Sometimes I blame myself for being too needy at the end (although, he made me that way from changing so dramatically!). I miss him, than I hate him, than I love him and want him back, than I want him to go to he**. It is the worst thing I've ever gone through- I thought I would marry the guy...actually, I knew.
    Let yourself go through this rollercoaster of emotions for awhile. You need to just grieve and be hurt and collect your thoughts and so forth. See a professional (it is helping me). Try not to think about what you did/could have done/contributed to this (that is hard for me to avoid). Build yourself up with compliments and remind yourself of your strengths and what a great, caring girlfriend you were to him and how he doesnt deserve you.
    Finally, I question this a lot, but I think I do really believe in Karma, and while you may never know about it, lets just hope he gets his. I hope my ex does, because it would really bother me if these guys can get away with hurting us so badly and be happy through all of this. Hang in there...its a long process. Check out my thread on this page, its long but a lot of my thoughts are in there along with others' advice, and although our situations are different, it might help

    Last edited by lady346; 02-01-2006 at 07:51 AM.

     
    Old 02-01-2006, 08:47 AM   #12
    Aalyisha
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    hi,

    i hate to sound patronising but i actually know exactley how you feel. i did everything for my bf and i tried so hard to make him happy and when things started going wrong i still gave him chance and chance again to make things work, he was cheating and although at the time i had no solid evidnece i knew in my gut that he was, purely by his behaviour. i cannot count the amount of times i asked him would he prefer to just break up and we could still be friends but he would ALWAYS say no.
    finally i ended it and we didnt speak for 3 months and i was so happy,really started sorting my life out when he started calling me again. To cut a very very long story short,the sucker for pain i am i belived all the c**p he said and i took him back... and he destroyed me AGAIN.

    All i could do was blame myself as it really was my fault (the 2nd time anyway) but now i find it really hard to trust men and i hate that.Still to this day i wonder why he couldnt have just been honest with me instead of making me suffer and why he has ruined me for future relationships.

    Now i am much better but its still hurts to think that some one who loves you could do this to you.
    well i know why:.....becuase they dont know the meaning of the word love and to be honest i feel more sorry for these people more than anything else as i believe they will drift in and out of relationships untill the end of their days and never truly know the feeling of 'real love'.
    i know at the moment you feel terrible in every way and probably any advice you get doesnt help to ease your pain at all but the one thing i urge you to do is no matter what happens dont ever get into a relationship with this man again because from my experience it will never work, you will never be able to trust him fully again, you wil never forget what he did.

    the only thing that really helped me was talking to my friends (dont be afraid you are 'burdening' them, they are your friends for a reason and you would be there for them if they had any problems) talking about it WILL make it better, dont bottle things up.

    go out and try and recover from this, spend time with friends, family,whatever, do things you enjoy that make you happy.

    and its up to you but i would not get involved with anyone else too soon.

    and be consoled by this fact,ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER, SO HE CHEATED ON YOU TO BE WITH HER, HE WILL CHEAT ON HER FOR SOMEONE ELSE AND SOME DAY IT WILL HAPPEN TO HIM AND HE WILL KNOW EXACTLEY HOW IT FEELS.

    for the moment hold your head up high and try to heal.

    i hope you feel better soon.....

     
    Old 02-01-2006, 01:12 PM   #13
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    Thank you all so much for your thoughts, stories and advice. I go through a roller coaster of emotions, and they seem to change every minute. One minute I'm strong and then next I'm so sad and fighting back tears. At times I hate him so much, other times I just want to talk to him. It's so difficult, but I am a strong person and I know I'll get through this and it will take time. I know I'll be okay and come out better in the end. I deserve someone much better than him... someone who will appreciate me and treat me right. Now that I've said it, I have to remind myself of it each time I'm feeling down.

     
    Old 02-01-2006, 07:12 PM   #14
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    Re: I feel like such a fool

    You are ABSOLUTELY NOT a fool!! So put that little thought right out of your mind.
    The real fool is the one who gives up a good thing --- you didn't do that... your bf did.

     
    Old 02-02-2006, 01:48 PM   #15
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    Smile Re: I feel like such a fool

    I understand the heartache you are going through now. I'm going through a break-up right now too (it happened 3 days ago.) I can't eat, I feel nauseous all the time, I can't sleep; I am completely torn up inside. Sometimes itís even hard to breath. To my friends I have tried to seem tough, although my second day I completely broke down. And at work I act completely unaffected. While all the while I want to burst into tears and just fall down and cry myself to sleep.

    And of course, I want him back. To make all the pain go away. And I'm not ready to date anyone else, that's for sure!

    I can only hope that was everyone tells me is true. That the pain will go away and that you will find someone 1000 times better. I wish you all the best in finidng your happiness again.

     
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