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How to stop drifting apart ???

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Old 01-31-2006, 01:36 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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helen6060 HB User
How to stop drifting apart ???

Hello everyone.
Some thought would be appreciated as my thoughts are going round in circles.
I've been living with my partner S for nearly 2 years. He has patches of depression, which I find dificult to cope with. I get a lot of anxiety & also pre-menstrual symptoms - which he finds dificult to deal with.
(so I'm not even sure this the best board to use)

Before we moved in together I had lived alone for several years, he'd lived apart for several years from his wife (they are now divorced).

Near the end of last year he had to be away for a few weeks. He came back understandably tired, and then sank into another depression. We drifted even further apart.
We eventually started talking about the issues (a bit) in the new year. Neither of us are ggod at talking about issues.
One thing he said was that he was debating whether he was better suited to living alone. I think in alot of ways he would find it a lot easier.

We manage to adress some problems - he has responded to one thing I asked of him, he has stuck to that. I have changed the one thing he asked of me. So we have made a little progress.

However. He is looking extremely depressed - though it always takes time for him to pick up, especially at this time of year, & it was his birthday yesterday, & the pressure will be dragging him down.
I've just had my patch of pms, fortunately didn't get sharp with him or have several hours crying while he was at home - (which makes him feel awful/useless) , but I felt & must have looked miserable. I think it's clearing today.

I feel the only hope of us learning how to make this relationship work is for me to not drag S down, show him I'm worth being with . Hopefully he will pick up.
We care about each other, share interests & activities, never get horrible or deliberately hurt each, but maybe we have lost so much of the magic it's fizzled out. I think we have lost confidence in each other.

Up until S said he (maybe) wanted out, I hadn't questioned staying with him. I waited out the depressions & we had the good times then. He had down patches - it came with the whole person. I'm incresingly wondering if I can cope, or if I want to spend my life with someone who will often be withdrawn & not able to show any warmth.

Other people seem to manage to deal with horrendous problems. How can we break out of this downward spiral ???

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Old 01-31-2006, 06:03 PM   #2
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opal88 HB User
Re: How to stop drifting apart ???

I actually am not writing with an answer but thought I'd just let you know I'm in a VERY similiar situation and I feel for you. Me and my sig. other are having the same problem right now and he's about to leave for 4 months. I just don't know what to do to help or if I should even try anymore.

We just keep talking about it and it's so tedious but it seems being honest and chat chat chatting are the only things to do! I just hope we get back to going out together and laughing with all this work.

HANG IN THERE and let me know if you get any good advice.

Old 02-09-2006, 05:30 AM   #3
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helen6060 HB User
Re: How to stop drifting apart ???

Hi Opal,

Thanks for your post. I hope you can find a way through all this.

We decided last night to split. He beat me to it, but I have to agree. I had many nightmares while he was away - all had us saying goodbye in one scenario or another. So my subc0ncious 'knew', but I was still trying to rationise the strains in the relationship.

I feel slightly relieved, but so sad. He says he won't try another relationship, which is very sad, but as he seems to rely on his routines/blocking everyone out so much, I'm not sure he could live with anyone.

I'm 45, need to find a new home & start again from scratch. New friends, places to go.
I do slightly feel it gives me new opportunities, & much as we do love each other still, it was such hard work I couldn't have gone on much longer.

I do hope I meet someone else - but not for a while, I've rebounded into bad choices in the past.

Have you things you can do while he's awy to keep you busy ? I'm glad you could talk, even if you have'nt found the answers yet.

There's no animosity.Just sadness. I've a GP appointment in a few days, where I going to ask about anti-depressants for the PMS symptoms. I think continue with that.

He said this morning he'll probably move out of this area, not just this house, & as he doesn't chat, especially on the phone, he really will be out of life. Might be easier in the long run.

I want so much for someone to love me & for me to love them. I don't know if I can ever make a relationship work, my anxiety undermines everything.

I'm trying not to feel a failure, S has said it's not anything I have done.
At least one decent human being did love me & think enough of me to want to be with me, we didn't know it wouldn't work, it was worth trying.

Good luck to you Opal, & to everyone.


Old 02-09-2006, 06:15 AM   #4
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: How to stop drifting apart ???

Hi, Helen I just wanted to send you some ((((HUGS)))) just because I felt you could use some.

I think that as difficult a decision as it was to make that you made a wise one. Two people who succumb to depression whether it be in the form of PMS or otherwise aren't the best combo for one another unless they are sychronized to be reciprocal states of mine which isn't likely to happen.

I couldn't help but feel some hope in your post from the initial one when things were in such LIMBO. Seems that you can only rise above that downward spiral that was taking over your life and change things for the better within your life. I think the visit to the GP is a great idea and taking care of yourself for a while will insure your future happiness and overall inner self.

The fact can only get better from here!!! Take strength in that and also in the fact that there are many here to help you along the way. Just ask and a fleet of angels will come in to hold your hand when you most need it!!! They did for me and they will for you too!!!

And remember.......Today is the First Day To the Rest Of Your Life!!!

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Old 02-09-2006, 06:52 AM   #5
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: How to stop drifting apart ???

Helen, I don't know if this will help at all, but I have a mood disorder kept wonderfully in check with medication.
But I don't know how I could have had a successful relationship with someone with a similar problem no matter HOW much I loved them.
I met a guy who has the type of personality where things just roll off of him like water off a duck. Skin of Teflon.
Which is a WONDERFUL fit because I rarely get to him in my more moody moments. He can tune me out and things just don't get past the thick skin.
A successful relationship require SO much more than "but I love him"...
I have a feeling that you're on the right path to meeting that special person for yourself...

Old 02-09-2006, 07:20 AM   #6
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: ENGLAND, UK
Posts: 26
Re: How to stop drifting apart ???

The Golden rule in relationships is they never improve, [after>]
Breaks, arguments and split-ups, these are the visible signs,
The invisible signs are the increased brain wave activity
your both engaged in whilst planning your futures without each
other. Be honest its going on, its unstoppable and its natural.

Your new Golden Guy is out there and this is the healing process your
secretly seeking. Good Luck.

Old 02-10-2006, 03:41 AM   #7
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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helen6060 HB User
Re: How to stop drifting apart ???

Thank you for the hug Goody - it really helped. I felt stronger & more positive yesterday than I had done in a long time.

Ruth - it's wonderful that there are people/men out there who can cope. I am so pleased for you.
maybe, in a while, there's someone in the midlands whos my sort of age, no dependant children, likes folk music & wildlife. Not for a while, need to sort out the practicalities first.
As well as learn to deal better with my own insecurities.

I've just erased all the texts from S that I had saved. Even the one that 'All I need is you, love, S'
Seeing them when I used my mobile was turning the knife each time, so they had to go.

Started looking for place to rent this morning. Few of those advertised are affordable, most of those are yukky, and the agent says they have gone anyway. Have to wait for new stuff to come on the market.
Scary part, S is actively looking for somewhere to live, I cannot possibly pay the rent here, I'll have to take what I can get, which is very depressing thought.
The +ve side is the most likely agent has an office near where I work - so at least I can the window display regularly !

My mum & a friend have been supportive, as well as you nice people here. I'm going to have to try not to ask S for comfort, maybe just a little - he aint gonna be here for much longer.
Ww want to help each other, but it's going to have to practical things mostly.

I keep reminding myself I will get through this. Though I feel like I'm losing evrything - in reality it was a relationship that was undermining my confidence. Got to move on.

Thankyou everyone, writing this, reading your posts, it does help.


Old 02-10-2006, 03:49 AM   #8
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helen6060 HB User
Re: How to stop drifting apart ???

Hi Opal how are you ?????

I hope you can find things that will give you some happiness while your SO is away.

I guess it's good you could talk to each other - even though you didn't get anywhere.
S NEVER raised important issues. I rarly did did until I couldn't cope & burst into tears. I suspect many issues could have non-issues if they had been discussed early. Definitely a lesson for me for the any future friendships/ relationships.

Please keep on trying, you are definitely worth it, I hope you can get through this hard patch & find a better way of life for yourself. Whether it's wit or w/o this SO.
Keep on keeping on


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