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    Old 02-07-2006, 09:12 AM   #1
    starrfish
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    Unhappy Need opinions - he won't marry

    Hello. Well, I usually post on the back boards (just had a 2-level spinal fusion), but I need some input on my relationship.

    I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now. We live in a great house in a nice neighborhood. We have a 3 year old who is absolutely beautiful and happy. We certainly look to be a perfectly happy family on the outside.

    Well, "J" is very successful, driven, and very intelligent. He runs his own business with a partner. So, this means he is the boss. He is also very even in his emotions...there is hardly ever a variation.

    I suppose we have been having problems about 6 months into our relationship. In the beginning, he was very "fun", always telling me he loved me, hugging me, kissing me, etc. His friends all said they were amazed b/c they had never seen him act this way before. I know the newness of a relationship wears off, but it was like night and day almost. He became more serious and stopped showing affection, etc. In fact, I was going to leave about 9 mnths into the relationship, but decided to give it some more time.

    We decided to build a house, and 2 weeks after we signed, I found out I was pregnant. During my pregancy, he did several thiungs to really hurt my feelings. Like staying out all night playng poker with the guys and not even calling, not going to a wedding I was in, but telling his parents he was so he would not have to attend a familt function. I was 6 month pregnant and had no date and was a bridemaid. I had to drive 3 hours by myself and stay in a hotel all alone. Then, at 32 weeks, I went into pre-term labor and had to go to the hospital and get a shot. I called and told him about my contractions and that I was in the hospital. He had just sat down to dinner ith the guys and actually asked if he had to come. I told him not to...I was so hurt. He was not even concerned.

    ANyways, we had decided not to get married just b/c of the pregnancy, but I thought he might at least get me a ring. Well, after I had the baby, I began hinting around at it. I decided to leave my FT job at an investment banking company to just work PT at the hospital so I could be home with the baby, but still get out and get health insurance for me and her.

    He decided that we needed to build a deck and actually asked me if I wanted a ring or the deck. Well, you know what I wanted,but he built the deck instead. It almost seemed like a slap in my face. So, at this point, there was tenson between us and really no affection. Around this time, I began having back problems...difficult delivery..I ended up damaging my discs, etc.

    I became very depressed and pulled away as well. And then I did something wrong. I became frinds with a guy I worked with and in Novemeber of thatbyear, decided I wanted out and had an affair with him. He was there for me, cared about my health problems, etc.

    Now, I have to say that J is a wonderful father, and I would never take that away from my daughter. But, he would tell me that I was hypochondriac and just loved going to the dr. Well, I proved him wrong when I ended up having to have this surgery.

    He talked me into ending the relationship at work and giving it another try for the baby. After a few weeks or turmoil, I agreed. And, I have NOT cheated since.

    The last 2 years have been the worst in my life. I was in a car accident and ruptured a disc in my neck as well as injured my back more, the lady who hit me never went to court and we still have noit been able to file suit b/c my docs will not agree to make a statement saying the accident negatively affected my back (which before the wreck, I was still working...I have not worked since). The ddeath of my father was sudden...just 10 days after his wife had passed. My uncles were there and called me (we are in Ohio and he was in FL)and asked permission to go into the house b/c they saw his foot through the window and it was purple. He said he was going to call, but over an hour later when I called to see if he was alright...he told me he was going over later that night. I had to call 911 here from Ohio and have the police go. They found him dead and told me it had only been a few hours. My uncle never has told us the truth of what happened and many items were stolen, it was hurricane season, Hurricane Charlie had hit and it took us 10 days to get down to his home and make arrangements, etc. Through the estate we got an awful attorney who ultimatley did nothing for us and we ended up losing his house b/c she told us not to talk with the mortgage company b/c that was her job.

    Anyways, it has been a very, very hard time for me. With the surgery and all, chronic pain leading up to the surgery, being on narcotics to controll the pain, etc. And I still do not know if I will be able to work, it has only been 2 months.

    I am able to take a step back and see that somehow I am now totally dependent on J. Everything is in his name...house, cars, insurance, everything.

    And all through this, I have tried to "prove" to him that I can be trusted...it has been over 2 years. I gave up my friends, don't go out, can not work. He keeps telling me that marriage is a piece of paper. And that we will marry soon. It is always soon.

    While I was in the hospital for my back surgery, he only visdited me 2x for about 15 minutes and only brought my daughter 1 of the times. He did not even get me a card. Nothing. I am a firm believer that actions speak much louder that words...and that told me he did not care...was not even worrried. And I almost had to have a blood transfusion. And sex..well, that is the only time he even touches me, and it is all for him. Basically, drop your pants and let's go. He insists that words are the real meaning, not actions.

    I do not have the means to leave...even to give him an ultimatum. He is in complete control of my life and I feel the anxiety and fear of that. I really hate it, I never in a thousand years would have thought thisw would be my life.

    Anyways, I know this is long and confusing, but if anyone has an opinion on what I can do, please reply. If nothing else, writing this has been kind of refreshing.

    I know I cheated, but when is it time to say enough? Maybe I am selfish, but I think e should be here for me emotionally...this has been the worst time in MY life. Not that it has been easy for him. There is no affection, he told me while I was in the hospital that he read all my emails, he just had to know if I was having another relationship. I am just so hurt. I am so depressed and desperate for attention that I feel so lonely and pathetic. Thank God for my baby girl..she keeps me going. I really do not know what to do. and if we did marry...it would be worse.

    Am I still here just b/c he does not want to be a part-time Daddy? He had said that when we were going to split. He says that is not it. That he loves me. Yet, the only time he says it is when we argue. I just don't get it.

    All my friends that I still email say he has me in the perfect position, where he is in control of everything. He has all the benefits of a marriage w/o the risk.

     
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    Old 02-07-2006, 09:26 AM   #2
    Destea
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    Re: Need opinions - he won't marry

    Your friends are right.

    Because of the financial situations and having put the house, the cars etc under his name (why why why!! ) you've kind of pushed yourself into a very hard corner. I know you can see that, but I'm not sure I have a lot of advice to offer. Are there friends you could live with while you get back on your feet? Any family?

    There is nothing for you in the relationship, and I think you know that. Unfortunately I think you knew it 9 months into the relationship but held on to the comfort as well all tend to do. Your daughter would be better off growing up in a home where there is love and devoution than just a place where her Dad lives. The relationship she see's between you and he will train her on what relationships are 'supposed' to be, it's all she'll know. I think if there is any way that you can leave and go stay with someone you know for a few months while you heal and work your way back to being able to get some kind of job... that's the way to go.

    This man has nothing to offer you, and is just taking advantage of the situation to get his way. It does sound controlling, and though your cheating was a huge no-no, he wanted you to stay and work it out. That was his call, if his actions are just a way to 'punish' you there's no reason to stay.

    Get out and NEVER marry this man. You recognize that would be even worse, just don't go there...

     
    Old 02-07-2006, 09:34 AM   #3
    galinaqt
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    Re: Need opinions - he won't marry

    I don't believe he wants to marry me. I am agree with one of my friends that living together before marriage is not a good idea - why to buy a cow if you can have milk for free. I have just recently 3 of my cousins who ended relationships after living together.

     
    Old 02-07-2006, 09:40 AM   #4
    Destea
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    Re: Need opinions - he won't marry

    I don't know about living together being wrong for everyone, just because for some people I think it's really important to dive in that deeply to see if it could work out - can't really see how it'd be better to not experience it, then move in, and realize it won't work that way either. Divorce will happen if it's not meant to be in any which way you pull a relationship.

    I have to say though... I think buying a house with someone is a pretty serious step to your financial stability and future, not knowing if this is the person you're going to marry (or really, are already married to) is a pretty risky thing imo. I'm sorry you're going through this...

     
    Old 02-07-2006, 09:42 AM   #5
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Need opinions - he won't marry

    Starrfish ~ Friends usually are able to see what we are unable to see when we are in an "emotional fog". I must say that I could easily relate to your post....in the sense of having DDD, the chronic pain and also having had been on your 2 shoes over 20 years ago when engaged to a man and living in a house together that we had purchased. My guy was very much controlling, managed the money, alienated me from all my friends and family and made me feel miserable. He sounds worse than your guy but the similarities are more as I read through your post.

    You are in a very unhealthy relationship......I call it like I see it. I see it because I once lived it. You MUST not allow fear to hold you back from getting control of what is rightfully yours. From what you say....you want him to want to marry YOU but even if he did.....would you want to marry HIM??? From the sound of your post you seem to already see that this is not in your best interest.

    You want a man to show you love when his actions in every aspect of the relationship show otherwise. What has he done to show you that he loves you?? You were pregnant and he didn't support you when you were hospitalized, when you had the baby he wasn't barely there, when you had your most recent surgery he barely visited. And when your father died you don't even mention how he supported you through that....my guess is that he didn't at all!!! Even more he barely even tells you he loves you and sexually puts his needs before yours. What do you see in this man that is worth marrying and spending the rest of your life with??? You already invested over 3 years into this relationship......why invest even a day more??

    My advice would be to seek some type of legal advice.....call a legal aid hotline to see where you stand. I would gather as much paperwork as I could proving that you have contributed to the household. Did you put a downpayment on the home......is it both of yours or only his?? I would set up your own banking account and start putting all your own money in it....do you have a joint account??

    There is no reason to stay in this situation. Is he on the baby's birth certificate??? He will have to pay child support so you will need advice on that as well. Check into common law marriage in your state & see if you are eligible. Knowledge IS power.....find out as much as you can before you act. And do not tell him of your intentions as of yet....get some professional advice before doing so.

    Most of all....know that you should NEVER stay in a situation out of fear. Do not victimize yourself or your daughter.

    We are here for you....please know that you deserve more than this. Do you have any friends or family that you can rely upon for support?? And most of all....do not leave the house until you get legal advice. Get anything you can to prove that you have lived there since it was built. If you leave, your BF can say that you were only there for a short time and it would be his word against yours. Get anything together to prove that he had all your income & money if that is the case.

    Please do not be afraid......you should never stay with anybody out of fear or control. It is time for you to take control of your life back and we will help you get there.

    (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-07-2006 at 09:47 AM.

     
    Old 02-07-2006, 10:04 AM   #6
    dewdrop333
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    Re: Need opinions - he won't marry

    I hate to say it .. but your life and mine are VERY similar .. so much that it is scarry ..

    I can only tell you ... that leaving was the best thing I ever did... even though all I left with was 2 back packs and my daughter ... I wouldnt change any of it. I went through hell .. he was COLD and I loved him ... he broke my heart and never blinked ... but I am stronger now .. 4 months of living with family members ... that sucked ... but now .. now I am strong and independant and my daughter will know what a STRONG woman looks like .. it looks like her mom.

    Think of it this way .. if it were your daughter in your shoes .. what would you tell her to do? Is your credit rating worth staying in a miserable relationship where you are not being loved like you should.

    I am not saying its easy .. it is far from it ...

    My thoughts are with you ....

    He is only in control if you let him be .... you can do anything you want to do ... you can show your daughter what a strong woman looks like ....

    Good luck ... please keep us posted.

    Oh one more thing .. Goody is right .. get financial records .. consult an attourny .. do this all before you leave.

    When I left .. the day before I got all his financial records .. his bank accounts .. our insurance papers ... his investments .. his resume (for his work history) .. I took EVERYTHING .. and called a lawyer .. I know that this was the ONLY way I could get what was coming to my daughter .. not for me .. for HER. Talk to a professional yes .. but plot your escape ...
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    Last edited by dewdrop333; 02-07-2006 at 10:12 AM.

     
    Old 02-07-2006, 11:13 AM   #7
    galinaqt
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    Re: Need opinions - he won't marry

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Destea
    I don't know about living together being wrong for everyone, just because for some people I think it's really important to dive in that deeply to see if it could work out - can't really see how it'd be better to not experience it, then move in, and realize it won't work that way either. Divorce will happen if it's not meant to be in any which way you pull a relationship.

    I have to say though... I think buying a house with someone is a pretty serious step to your financial stability and future, not knowing if this is the person you're going to marry (or really, are already married to) is a pretty risky thing imo. I'm sorry you're going through this...
    Person can pretend to be nice before the day or start postponing date, or just quit why to put an effort if no strings attached. I just do not trust it and seems most of the time it doesn't work out.
    On another subject if you live together with the guy and have a baby with him you can be entitled on part of his property better talk to the lowyer.

     
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