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  • Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

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    Old 03-06-2006, 08:16 PM   #16
    MrShannon
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    Well, I guess the best way and the right way to do it is to just say, "We have to talk, this is the way I'm feeling, " and just SPILL IT. Rigorous honesty is the only way to do this properly. Be kind, but honest. I struggle with this way. lol. It's hard. I always seem to find a softer easier way around just coming out and saying, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE. I say things like, I need time. I'm confused. I don't know what I want. I dont' know who I am. YADDA YADDA YADDA. IT's all BS. But of course that's the way I did it this time. I just can't imagine saying that I don't want to be with her anymore. I can't bring myself to say. I guess it's a form of denial..........and that's probably why I keep going back to her. Because I can't face the truth. I'm working on it though. I haven't spoken to her since Saturday, and haven't seen her since last Tuesday. I miss her already, but am prepared to stick to my guns. She deserves someone who's going to love her the way she deserves to be loved. I'm not the one. It's not fair to her. And I also deserve to be with someone whom I can love with every bit of my heart and who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. Let me know how the "talk" went. If you had it, lol..........shannon

     
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    Old 03-07-2006, 06:38 AM   #17
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    OK, heres how the talk went...I DIDN'T HAVE IT. It was wierd he called last night and he is all in the middle of this real estate deal that he needed help on so I met him for dinner to go over the contract with him went to his house went to sleep.I am supposed to go today to write a new contract for him and meet him later to go over it. So, I dought I will have the talk today either. I will after this is taken care of, I kinda feel insulted that he is buying this condo and I have no part of it,that should tell me something. He is saying "I am going to get it for investment purposes" but I can see him living happily there himself.Well, I know the lonly feeling your having after a week of not seeing her. After about seven days I am usually going crazy. Hang in there and try to go out or something,work late,or what do you usually do to keep from thinking of her?I started painting the last time. I am actually a much better person without him. Maybe you will find this to be true to. He is sooo boring that I have become lazy in a way and kinda became like him. I have alot more fun w/I am away from him and doing things I want to do but I put off because of him. I am getting so over him. I think you have had a much better relationship with this women than I have had nd you probly have alot more to miss. Just try to do something new.Alot of my friends and people my age I know are just now starting out with thier lives...getting married,having babies,starting thier futures together,buying there first homes together...and I feel like my life is over. He makes me feel old and I want to just be my age. This maybe the same thing you are going thru as well. You two have a ten year age difference, he and I have a 16 years gap. So, that leaves me hanging out with old people all of the time...I feel like I m missing my youth,and I resent it because every year I get older and ....nothing to show for it it seems,except another lost year.Know what I mean?

     
    Old 03-07-2006, 09:35 PM   #18
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    I can relate to that. I've been in this relationship for over 5 years, and I feel like I've gotten no where, except older. I'm now 30!!!!!!!!! No wife, no kids,.......what have I been doing? LMAO. DAMN!!!!!!! But ya know what? I've learned a ton through this 5 year experience with this women. And, I've learned alot of lessons. I can honestly say, I don't regret ONE moment of it. I'm leaving this relationship wiser. I'm lucky. I got a chance to love. And the lessons I've learned will benefit me in my next relationship. I've realized that LOVE is never a mistake.
    So, why are you "delaying" the TALK? LOL Are you afraid? Or are you unsure? Hope all is well.............shannon

     
    Old 03-07-2006, 10:18 PM   #19
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    MrShannon-
    I hate to butt into this thread without following it closely, but I just wanted to comment on your post #16 .
    I was wondering if you were my ex for a moment, writing that. What you said is, verbatim, everything he said to me. For a month. Until I finally asked him point blank if he was coming back, and for once he said no instead of the infamous "I dont know". I have threads all over this board about him, so no need to repeat. The gist: Im 23, he was 22 (now 23), and started dental school in Sept, and after almost 2 years of being together, in Nov. he decided to end things. I guess he wanted to go play. He was my first TRUE love, I thought (well, knew, at the time) Id marry him, And he did this to me in the course of maybe 3 weeks, tops, because he all of a sudden just seemed to want me to go away. I never even knew he had changed his mind about me in any way to THAT extent. Just started treating me like crap one or two weekends in a row, and bam. When I confronted him he pulled out EVERY SINGLE THING you just said that you had said to your ex. Its uncanny. Every sentence you put, he used. And the reason I am writing this is because I believed what he said.

    I know that it is hard to tell someone you dont want to be with THEM. Its just, as someone who was recently on the receiving end of this (as you called it) bs, please just come out and say it. I think it is hurtful, extremely hurtful, to hear that, but just how more hurtful is it to get strung along, harbor hope that the person will come back once they get 'un-confused' and 'find themselves', really believe the bs they tell you (as I did- I made excuses for the fact that my ex could have been stressed with school/transitioning, could have needed time, didn't know who he was...especially because he cried the whole time he told me this)? In the end, it was really because he was too selfish to spare ME the pain, and wanted to spare his own pain of feeling guilty for hurting me. No matter how you spin it, I was going to be hurt. And I was hurt so much in the end when I found out the truth- that he wanted it to end all along, out of nowhere for whatever reason, all so he could jump right into a new relationship with a girl in his dental program, right in the city that he moved to to be with ME.

    So, as someone who recently went through this (I am still recovering), it was the worst few months of my life, and it didnt have to be that way. If you know its over, as you seem to do, please tell the person that the relationship is over, spare them the crap, and let them move on. If you want to soften the blow, I can guarantee it will be easier on you AND the other person if you can just end it with honesty when you know its over and tell the the harsh truth instead of trying to make it 'easier' for them to swallow. Had my ex told me the truth on that first day instead of all the sentences you wrote, I would have had a lot more respect for him than I do now; now, I almost wish him dead, as psycho as that sounds. I can promise you, you will make it much worse by skirting around the issue, especially if your ex really loves you and doesnt want to see you go. After going through this, I vowed to myself that I will always tell the truth, no matter how hard, to people I have relationships with, because I will never risk hurting someone the way I was hurt.

    Last edited by lady346; 03-07-2006 at 10:21 PM.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 03:32 PM   #20
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    Citygirl...yeah I read some of your post...that really sucks about that jerk you were with and how he left.I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now and trying to get over him while he is out there basically starting over. It sounds like you are going to be better person after that,by having more empathy for others b/c you already know how it feels to be hurt.I hope you are feeling better soon.
    Mrshannon.. yeah I am scared a little bit and it never seems like a good time to bring it up. It seems like everytime I say something to these effects I feel like I am disturbing the peace (his peace) and he will fly off and I never seem to get out what I need to say.Then I feel furious,and all the cycle starts again. I guess I have to just get over it.It is good that you don't regret your time with her. You speak so nicely of her and that is rare on this board. Are you feeling guilty? Are you the only one who wants out of the relationship? Are is it kinda a mutual thing with you two? Sounds like you did have something good, but I can DEFINATLY understand why you need to move on.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 05:27 PM   #21
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    Citigirl, I feel for your situation. Im sorry you went through that. I'm not your ex, and I don't know why he did the things he did. I do know, however, that the way I went about trying to end my relationship was wrong. But my intentions were good. I really was trying to avoid hurting her as much as I could, and thought that if didnt' come out and say that I wanted to move on, it would lessen the blow somehow. I was wrong. I'm a classic codependant. I've always been the one who was dumped, I've never been the "dumper". I'm not good at it. The fact that I ended this relationship at all is huge growth for me. Granted, I didn't do it the right way, but I did it. And I learned from it. And remember, there's 2 sides to every situation. She has her part in it too, believe me.
    Tiff, we did have something good. She is the most amazing person I've ever met. We were just growing apart. Changing, wanting different things. We grew up. Unfortunately, we grew separatly. All said and done, it was mutual. I knew it, and she knew it. It was just a matter of who was going to break through the denial first. And when I think about it, I guess we kinda broke through it at the same time. She's ok with it, and so am I. We talked today. Basically said to not be a stranger, and not hold any resentments. I totally agreed with her, as I have no resentments either. We will bump into eachother from time to time, as we share alot of the same friends, and we will be friendly. I can honestly say that for the first time, I'm going to be good friends with an Ex girlfriend It's awesome.
    Even though I'm still greiving and in pain LOL. It will pass.

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 06:41 AM   #22
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    That is really good to hear.I think for the very first time since we've been talking you sound more confident that it's over and have a positive outlook on moving on. Congrats! It will only be hard for a little while. I, on the other hand cannot even fathum the thought of remaining friends with this ex (or soon to be ex)I hve remained friends with my ex-husband to some extent,another on of my ex b/f but this one NO WAY. I love him way to much. This sounds like such crap but I really only can be friends with my ex -hus. b/c I do care for him and even love him but I know I'd never be back with him again even though he is the one who loves me and has always tried getting back with me...same with ex b/f...but this man is different,maybe i am delusional.I don't know. I seem to see him differently than anyone else. I know he is not good looking,he is boring, he is very moody and touchy about everything...but for some reason dometimes when I am with him I don't see these things...everything feels like it is right and I feel secure (I have no reason to feel secure,he has given me zero as I have been pointing out) WHY then, do you suppose I imagine this unrealistic security. I must really be out of it. Maybe it is a confort zone I have created in my mind and it doesn't really exist at all. I compare all other men to him,even though thier probly better than him on all levels, he has kind of brainwashed me that all men are snakes and or losers.I know this isn't true but I have a profound distrust of men that I never have had in the past because of the way he portraits men to me for all these years. He doesn't like metalking to men even in a social setting he gets really jealous,even of his own friends and family. He is even jealous of my brother living with me now b/c like last night my bro brought over one of the friends he works with and he said to me"You tell him he cannot be bringing men into your houuse that they need to just wait outside for him" I was totally insulted by this b/c he doesn't pay my bills, he is buying the place he lives now and has not offered me to move back in with him. He could be buying a larger "HOME" if he truly intended for me to have a place with him,I just had my lease come up on my home and I gave him several hints but he never once offered.Who does he think he is? He wants me to be here speaking, seeing,going out with no one...just waiting here for when he can make time for me or theres no one more important around, Who knows. I will be so glad if I can get myself to where you are now. Sooner or later it has to happen, I have to make it happen. I am terrified of being without him,but I hate being with him. I make no sence.Gotta go to work now.Later

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 07:33 AM   #23
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tiff208
    That is really good to hear.I think for the very first time since we've been talking you sound more confident that it's over and have a positive outlook on moving on. Congrats! It will only be hard for a little while. I, on the other hand cannot even fathum the thought of remaining friends with this ex (or soon to be ex)I hve remained friends with my ex-husband to some extent,another on of my ex b/f but this one NO WAY. I love him way to much. This sounds like such crap but I really only can be friends with my ex -hus. b/c I do care for him and even love him but I know I'd never be back with him again even though he is the one who loves me and has always tried getting back with me...same with ex b/f...but this man is different,maybe i am delusional.I don't know. I seem to see him differently than anyone else. I know he is not good looking,he is boring, he is very moody and touchy about everything...but for some reason dometimes when I am with him I don't see these things...everything feels like it is right and I feel secure (I have no reason to feel secure,he has given me zero as I have been pointing out) WHY then, do you suppose I imagine this unrealistic security. I must really be out of it. Maybe it is a confort zone I have created in my mind and it doesn't really exist at all. I compare all other men to him,even though thier probly better than him on all levels, he has kind of brainwashed me that all men are snakes and or losers.I know this isn't true but I have a profound distrust of men that I never have had in the past because of the way he portraits men to me for all these years. He doesn't like metalking to men even in a social setting he gets really jealous,even of his own friends and family. He is even jealous of my brother living with me now b/c like last night my bro brought over one of the friends he works with and he said to me"You tell him he cannot be bringing men into your houuse that they need to just wait outside for him" I was totally insulted by this b/c he doesn't pay my bills, he is buying the place he lives now and has not offered me to move back in with him. He could be buying a larger "HOME" if he truly intended for me to have a place with him,I just had my lease come up on my home and I gave him several hints but he never once offered.Who does he think he is? He wants me to be here speaking, seeing,going out with no one...just waiting here for when he can make time for me or theres no one more important around, Who knows. I will be so glad if I can get myself to where you are now. Sooner or later it has to happen, I have to make it happen. I am terrified of being without him,but I hate being with him. I make no sence.Gotta go to work now.Later
    He doesn't trust other men around you, not because he loves you necessarily, it's because he believes they think, and would behave, like him. He can't concieve a man would behave honorably, because he doesn't. He paints all other men with HIS brush. And, deep down, he's painting you with it too. One man would only find another man a threat if he believes his woman would cheat with him. This isn't honoring you, it is disrespecting you. Any man who wants an exclusive relationship, with a woman, will make a formal, legal and binding, committment to her. Anything else is temporary.

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 11:43 AM   #24
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    Eve,I know what your saying and I know that it's the truth.I believe he really thinks he is above everyone else and thinks he is better (he and his family) I used to think he was wonderful when I was alot younger and nieve.I used to look up to him and I think maybe alot of the problem now is I no longer worship him and he cannot stand it. He since has been bragging about himself and every little thing he does for me. Just last week he took my car for an oil change and he said "See all the things I do for you, I bet your other guys never did things like this for you blah,blah,blah?" That is so sickening to me. If he ever takes me out to have an actual nice dinner, I can never enjoy it anymore b/c he makes a poit to tell me to the penny exactly how much everything cost,same if we go shopping and he buys me something(which is like never anyway) He used to take me places all of the time and never complain or brag. The most discusting thing tto me though is that he presents himself as the most humble,caring man with the most outstanding charecter ever...he even goes as far as to tell me "When it all boils down what really matters is just doing the right thing" and the nerve of him to tell me about myself or the people I know like "You need to do the right thing or they need to the right thing!" He really is a self-rightous person that has a humble mans facade. That is about the jest of it,and I guess thats why he has me so brainwashed about all the bad men b/c he thinks he is perfect. As far as trusting me, yes...it is an insult. I am a naturally friendly person,I am also fairly attactive to men (I assume)...I am sooo not a flirt b/c I am kind of shy but I get hit on by men all the time and ask out alot by men around me who may not know I have a b/f...I turn them down of course but he acts like it is somehow my fault that men come onto me.(He is jealous of women as well b/c a long time I said something to the effect that I wish I could be a lesbian so I didn't have to deal with men and ever since then he thinks I want to get with a women)He gets outraged about it and then starts how great he is and how bad and what trash everyone else is...He calls all of my friends trash and says I cannot go out with them b/c they are trash and I am to good to accociate with them b/c people will think I am trash....what in the heck is that..insecurity,I guess. He has problems. I am starting to get a clear picture of that but if he wanted to be with me he should have married me before now (7 years) maybe he secretly thinks I am trash to. It makes me feel really bad,like of all the nice men in the world that think I am a nice person,why is it that he thinks is wrong with me? Sorry about all this raving but this really bothers me. I don't really know what his problem is...he doesn't really want me but doen't want me to be with anyone else...maybe? I wonder why he would even care about it maybe he just does't want me to be happy? Who know.

     
    Old 03-10-2006, 11:42 AM   #25
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    Very interesting perspective here between Tiff and Mrshannon. I have also been in your shoes as far as going back to the ex and trying things over. It was because of the feeling of anxiety over facing the loss, facing my demons, jealousy over the fact that she might love another, etc... As many times as I have tried to put it back together it never worked out. A total of 4 times. Live and learn. Recently I was the innocent bystander in a relationship where I met a wonderful woman. Recently divorced (5 months). She had enough baggage from her ex that she could have sailed around Cape Horn. I was patient, loving and a good guy. Due to the fact that she is in the same position that Tiff is in and her ex is in the same position that Mrshannon is in they are trying to put things back together and I am the odd man out. I'm bummed because I see a wonderful woman that is going back to a creep (no inferance here) when I know that from experience these things never work out and the people involved only waste time, emotion, and dig themselves in to a deeper cycle or pattern that they will repeat in their next relationship.It is hard for you both, I can see that. Letting go is by far the hardest thing to do and brings the deepest pain. A mediocre relationship is by far better that feeling the deep hurt that comes with the loss??? No way...Is this as good as it gets???No Way... I wish for you to both be strong, look the other way, avoid contact with the ex's and be there for yourselves. It is a hard trip but there is another side that is greener.

     
    Old 03-11-2006, 07:05 PM   #26
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    Hi all. Just updating. I'm having a tough time. I've gotten a couple phone calls and a visit by my ex, and I've had to be strong. I held my gound and am sticking with my decision. It's hard though, I have a ton of guilt, and seeing her cry breaks my heart in two. GOD I wish this was easier, and I wish she wasn't hurting. I'm hurting myself, and I want to take her pain on. Can anyone relate to that? When does this guilt go away? And Tiff, how are you doing? Anything change? Write back Hope all is well. .....shannon

     
    Old 03-22-2006, 10:14 AM   #27
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    Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?

    Shannon,it's been a while since I have been on here so I hope you are doing better now than in this last post. Yeah, I can feel the pain....that is also a problem I have. as long as I seem to be the one in pain...he doesn't seem to mind but I have to much empathy for other people and when he is in the least little bit of hurt,I take it all on myself and try to imagine how he is feeling and then I end up feeling worse. We have to get past this somehow. How are things now, did you go back? Keep in touch.

     
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