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-   -   Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/369976-why-cant-men-just-always-way-they-when-they-want-get-you-back.html)

Tiff208 02-28-2006 08:25 PM

Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
O.K. get this! I know I have been here whining and crying and depressed over my boyfriend of seven years who I love but feel like he doesn't love or respect me because after seven years I would think he would be ready to marry me or be ready to let me get on with my life well...I talked to him last night and he was going to bring over some things that I needed from work he said he would come over and leave it outside my door,b/c I said I am not wanting to talk to him or see him that I am really wanting to move forward with my life.He ask if I went out and I told the truth that I did go out with my friend..he was all like "Oh, I guess you must have had alot of fun, with all kinda cowboys coming on to you" (Im not sure why he said cowboys,b/c I went to a salsa club lol. but anyway, whatever)I just had nothing to say b/c it was none of his bisiness but this is from the man who barely even notices I exist until he has nothing better to do, the man who basically dumped me on my birthday because his brother wanted him to go with him to buy a car. The guy who didn't even call on valentines day b/c I said I didn't think he loved me and that was the way he proved it.....Then today I went to get my daughters math book that he forgot to bring, i called and told him I was in a hurry and I was on my way. I got there and then he wasn't there I was talking to my friend on the phone and he drov up and ws asking "who are you talking to? "who is that on the phone" ect. Then I went in and he says I bought something for you and it was a bracelet. I kinda surprised to say the least but I didnt act all happy or anything I just got my daughters book and was leaving and he was asking me to hug him and trying to kiss on me I just said, "Look, I need to be away from you, I have already zapped you from my cell phoe and all....he said I am going to make next month better ok sweetie,I promise. Then he was asking me all kind of professional advice on him buying the place he is living and all trying to keep me there.What is up with this???I know this was long , sorry. Please advise :eek:

MrShannon 02-28-2006 08:43 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
Hi, I'm no expert. And I obviously don't know your situation or your boyfriend. But it "sounds" like he's giving you very mixed messages. I would be willing to bet that he is very insecure, and very confused about who he is. Its the "I can't live with you, can't live without you" deal. He's afraid to lose you, and afraid to "commit" to you at the same time. This is why he might be treating you better when he feels he is losing you. I believe this because I've went through the same thing. The only thing that will take away this confusion is getting to know "yourself" first. It's a very common issue in relationships. But there definately has to come a time where it's "***** or get off the pot".........and it sounds like that time is near. You don't deserve to be left dangling in the wind, definately time to put your foot down.

Tiff208 02-28-2006 08:56 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
Mrshannon, Thanx...Thats what I am thinking as well but helps to here it from a third party. It is just to much to sholder anymore...before I left I ask if he wanted to talk to me he would not he left and didn't come back so I just packed up and left b/c he was treating me so bad I just figured there was nothing left I could do. It sucks. I just cannot do anything right. I am tired and angry,but I feel guilty about leaving him when he is sweet b/c that is the way I remember him and that is all I ever want him to be! He is a fool! I think he just doesnt want anyone else to have me but he won't commit to me either but I feel like I am wasting my life away waiting year after year.any one else?

MrShannon 02-28-2006 09:22 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
Just try to believe that it has nothing to do with you!! You are not less than, you are not inadequate or a bad person. You've done nothing wrong. And remember, that he is not a bad person either, and that he isn't really doing these things on purpose. He has his issues that have nothing to do with you. :) In these cases, noboby's really at fault. It's just a case of unresolved issues within one's self. This is why it's so hard to end relationships like this, cuz there's not much anger and blame towards the other person. Don't feel guilty. You deserve a love that's true. Someone who "KNOWS" beyond any doubt that YOU are the one for him. Don't settle for less than that. If you decide to leave him, detach with LOVE and without resentment or guilt. :) The best is yet to come.............

Tiff208 03-01-2006 06:27 AM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
yeah, I know what your saying and it's true ..we love each other it is just some kind of wierd thing going on. that is exactly why it's hard it is kinda like I never get a chance to detach from this man b/c I end it , pack and leave, and then he is right back in less than a week trying to get things back again and then thier I am right back in the same situation that I wanted to get away from in the first place.I have just had enough and I guess I am going to have to stand my ground this time b/c it is not the relationship that I want and basically I am sure he is miserable to, always feeling like a failure that he cannot seem to please me and vice versa...we are just different. I am more of the outgoing type, I like to get out , go places, be around people, do different things,try something new...ect. He is more of a homebody I guess he has certain things he does like come home from work, read the newspaper,watch the news, talk to his brother on the phone,read car magazines...Mon-friday (which is fine cuz I work to) and there is a certain comfort to this life style,but then the weekend if his kid doesn't call to try and get a shopping spree(which is the only reason he can ever even get her to come over) then he just does nothing all day he wouldn't think of taking me anywhere much less the mall...so then sat. evening comes and then he is getting dressed and off with his brother and sister-in-law to the casino and just leaves me home with my daughter,Sun. he sleeps most of the day then gets himself ready for the week.I guess this may not seem like to big a deal,I feel silly complaining about it but the fact is that it wasn't always like this I just feels like he puts me on the back burner for everyone else, he used to take me places and do things with me and now I feel like I have became more of a comodity that he takes for granted like an appliance in his house like one of those things you don't think of much and do very little to keep up but really miss if you don't have it.I wish there were a way to fix this but I guess maybe it isn't in him anymore he always says he doesn't have any energy when I ask him to do things and I try to be understanding but then he always seems to have more than enough for everyone EXCEPT me. Sorry for all this whining, I am just venting basically....Thanx for listening

MrShannon 03-01-2006 04:56 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
LOL, venting is good for ya. :) I can relate to your situation. I think the word for it is "Insanity" (doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results) I do my share of that, and am currently in a similar situation with my girlfriend. We always seem to be giving it "One more try" Ending a relationship is tough when you're codependant..........and we both are. I guess fools never learn how to fall out of love.............So we hang on, thinking, this time it will work...............when the fact of the matter is, maybe this girl just isn't the one for me, even though I love her with ALL my heart. I have no reason to be mad at her, or blame her for anything. She's wonderful, one of the most amazing people I've ever known. But.......there's just something missing..........it's like an ache in my heart, and I always seem to be looking over my shoulder for "someone" "something" I dunno what. I'm just looking...................Have you ever gone through that?

Tiff208 03-01-2006 05:40 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
Yes, I've been there ....like right now...lol. It is sooo pathetic. Well, I have been all complaining about my situation but I m pretty much over it (I think,for now at least) why do you keep looking over your shoulder if she is perfect and you love her more than anything in the world? I don't get it. I have to much time on my hands right now, I guess. I hated Feb. now it's March I am better. I m going to a new job and obviously a new life...I am happy. Lets talk about your problem.

MrShannon 03-01-2006 06:46 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
Definately looking forward to spring myself. I'll be all better when spring gets here. LOL. As to why I'm looking over my shoulder, I'm 30 and she's 40, for starters. I know age doesn't mean anything, but.................I guess it's just a feeling in my heart. I don't know. I've always had this image of the "one" I was going to spend my life with, right down to specific details. I have a perfect picture of her in my head. LOL. From looks, to disposition, to faith, to intelligence, to spirituality, to sense of humor, Hell, I've even convinced myself that her name is going to be Sarah and she was born on November 11th........maybe I'm just crazy. I guess I'm one of those saps that believes in the "one soulmate" thing. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. LOL. Anyway, I think a healthy relationship should help bring out the best in a person, and to be honest, I don't know if I've liked myself since I've been with her. I don't know who I am when we're together. Does that make any sense?

Tiff208 03-02-2006 03:25 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
Well yeah it does make sence...I knew who I was when I met 'HIM" but I have lost myself along the way....We also have a BIG age difference he is 47 I am I turned 32 this wretched Feb.I think I have looked to him more as a father figure maybe,and it feels weird beig without him but I really believe sometimes to get what your searching for you have to just take that step outside your comfort zone...Thats what I am trying to do now,it is certainly not easy! You sound like you definatly know exactly what your looking for maybe you should just end it with her if you feel it's not working out so that you give yourself the chance to pursue what you need.You may wake up one day and be very regretful for not giving yourself that chance,and you will most probly resent her even though it's not her fault....and the two of you will probly be worse off even if you don't do something about it...write back , I have enjoyed these talks. Good luck, i just feel really great and I wasn't expecting to feel this good so soon....hummm....wierd.

MrShannon 03-02-2006 06:38 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
I know what you're saying when you say you're feeling good so soon. That's a sure sign that what you are doing is right. My girlfriend and I broke up about a year ago for a month. Even though I went through greiving, which is impossible to avoid, I was happy. I had hope. And I knew it was the right decision. But I talked myself back into the relationship. I wasn't strong enough to say no and stick to it. SO here I am again, a year later with the same problems. It's just so hard to say Good Bye, especially to your best friend. I know we would end up great friends, but the transition time is what scares me. I've been getting alot of signs lately that say "end it", both from my own feelings and from friends of mine. Actually, today, my own boss said out of the blue, She's not the one for you!!! It floored me. I was speechless. A while back, my mother said the same thing. I guess I've been trying to ignore the signs and live in denial, thinking that one day it will feel absolutely right and I will ask her to marry me. But something tells me that day will not come............ Anyway, how are you doing today? Sounds like you are good. Hope to hear back from you :) By the way, is your first name Tiffany? Just curious lol

Tiff208 03-04-2006 04:57 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
Yeah its Tiffany... Well, I CAN TOTALLY RELATE NOW!!! Truth is I WAS feeling great,had high hopes, but this weekend I made the SAME stupid mistake that your talking about and now I feel bad and am beating myself up over my stupidity! How could I do this to myself, AGAIN? This is truly insanity. I have to admit that at least.I have no room to be telling you anything b/c I do the same thing over and over again. I don't know whats wrong with me.I have been ignoring his calls, I have even took his number off my address book ( alot of good that did) I answered and he ask if he can come over and have drinks with me b/c he was having a stressful day, I felt bad for him and said yes well, I am sure you can just guess how the rest of the story goes.
I feel terrible. I woke up the next day and he was gone, he called the next evening said he had been at work,then I found reciepts from places like Mcdonalds and stores thru-out the day that suggest he was with his daughter,I do not know why he would have to lie about this. We both have daughters the exact same age only like 3 months apart,he has always(for 7 years) kept his daughter seperate from us,even when we lived together and my daughter was with us...he would never bring his kid over. This really upset me expessally after around the 3rd or 4th year I was really beginning to get insulted. Even as early as 3 years ago he lied to her and told her I was not his girlfriend and now recently he has been lying to me about her...he brings her over once in a while but it is REALLY wierd, I mean it could be a nice thing b/c I have my daughter he has his but we cannot act as a family he treats her like she is another women and he walks ahead of me and holds her hand constantly (she is almost 11 years old for gods sake) I cannot get close to him because he is tense and I can sence this and I feel really uncomfortable.I have never understood this situation but now he has started eracing the phone number when he calls her. Like last night I used his phone and seen that he had called her then right after that it was eraced off there but all the other numbers were still there....It is crazy.This is probly the major problem ok...and alot of the people would say ...Maybe he is talking to his ex -wife, but I know this isn't the case either. It boggles my mind and evn though this is one of the problems it has become the most troublesome to me b/c it makes me feel like he thinks his kid is somehow better than mine and that whats good enough for my daughter isn't good enough for his...this may not even be the case but since he acts like it is the most normal thing in the world it is impossible to bring up the situation for discussion. Sorry for all this blabbering...Later, Tiffany

MrShannon 03-04-2006 09:39 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
Sorry to hear you had a "relapse" of sorts. It's so hard to detach from someone. As for me, I spoke with her today, we agreed to take a couple months off and see how it goes. So here we go again, I'm hurting. I just feel this HAS to be the last time. I can't go through this pain anymore. I know it's just a 'Break" but we all know what a break means. I want to move on. And I think, in her heart, she does too. I miss my friend. But I feel this is the right thing. Why do relationships have to be so damn complicated and hard? lol

Tiff208 03-05-2006 01:29 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
I know how your feeling,and whats harder is doing it over and over....you get thru the lonliness,being bored,feeling sorry for yourself and almost feeling normal and then you start all over again.Well, I wish you luck this time,just try and hang in there. What exactly do you think it is that bothers you most besides maybe just being alone,are you afraid she will maybe move on to someone else,what is it that makes you go back?
As for me,he came over last night,slept over got up early and went with his brother and sister in law...he invited me to go but I didn't want to he promised to take me out too dinner tonight,I guess I will see how it goes.I think I feel worse now than just being alone,I just forget that when I'm alone.I am always wondering what he is doing and believe me he knows the game all to well and he pushes my buttons...I hate him. I do not want to be his friend or have anything to do with him...in fact I just want to move away from here. How did you tell her you wanted to end it,what was her reaction? We have never seperated like that it is always after a fight and the reason is b/c he will not talk to me. If I ask if he ever plans on us getting married or having a future together he treats it like a joke and smiles real big and says "mayyybeee" then changes the subject. I don't even know what the definition of this relationship theres no real bounderies or terms..as long as things are going his way.He trys and kiss my a** to keep the peace but I just feel like I need to know where this is headed. Im glad you had the nerve to end it,I hope you feel better soon.

MrShannon 03-05-2006 07:05 PM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
I guess the thought of someday watching her fall in love with someone else bothers me alot. But mostly, it's fear of being alone. We're both recovering alcoholics. We've been sober for over 5 years. We got sober together. I don't know sobriety without her. I've never gone through a relationship breakup without DRINKING through it. lol. So I guess that's why it's hard for me to stick to my guns and stay away. I'm not used to coping or dealing with feelings like this. THey're tough, and I haven't had alot of practice. So when the pain gets intense, and she calls me, I give in and rationalize why should be together again. But inevitably, it leads me right back to the position I'm in now, which is NOT FUN!! And each time it gets worse. It's total insanity. What keeps you sticking around? I can relate to the whole "moving away" thing. Outa site, outa mind lol.

Tiff208 03-06-2006 09:58 AM

Re: Why can't men just always be the way they are when they want to get you back?
 
Poor you, at least I can drink...Well congrats on your recovery.I can see what the problem may be with you though.I don't know where you met her but I've always heard that romantic relationships thru recovery is never a good idea,I am not sure what the reason behind this is but thats just what I have heard that the relationships don't last but hummm 5 years I guess thats good. Maybe you just started depending on her more than on yourself. Maybe you can set little goals for yourself like "I will not call her for xx amount of days " and then reward yourself somehow(not with a drink) lol but someway!
I think what bothers me the most is him getting with someone else. He is planning a trip to his country soon and I just feel like maybe he will hook up with someone who needs a greencard and bring them back here. He is not good looking (at all) He is in bad health(recovering from stage 4 cancer) but I stuck by him through all of this even though he treated me the worse when I was a live in nurse to him basically! I know women are definatly not throwing themselves on him okay...but if he went back to his country and came back with a wife...after seven years with me and no marriage,I would be absolutly devestated!!! Men are really stupid if a women shows them a little attention and hey he would have someone his own race and culture (asian) so it may be my imagination but it isn't to far fetched. Maybe it is but I just thought of it other than that I am ready to be rid of him.I love him but god I am not in love with him and what I mostly feel for him is resentment more than anything! I feel like I have wasted alot of my life with him.
So, this is like day 2 for you not talking to her? I meant to tell him last night but It never seemed like the right time...and he always has some string that keeps me around.
The latest is that he is trying to by a condo and he wants me to help him get it. Of course I will not even be making money off him but I just feel like I should help him and he always has friends who need help and he uses this to keep contact. I guess.
I think it will be easy after I help him. My brother just moved bak in with me last night. He hates it when my bro. is here because he doesn't feel safe knowing that I have a babysitter and I can go out anytime I want to,he is really P.O. now. Plus I am going to start a new job at a new bigger company this week he always felt safe because I worked for a gay guy before in a small family owned company...so he is not happy about that either but I feel like I have a good chance to start get a new lease on life now. I decided to go take some salsa danceing lessons with a friend of mine and now that my bro. is here I will be able to. I think in no time I will be over him. It will be so much easier now. I will just have a talk with him tonight. Humm! How do you bring up the subject? I mean, he always makes me feel like I am starting a fight when I want to talk about "the relationship" he says it isn't the right time and he either changes the suject or walks away if I pursue it...How did you bring it up,how did you start the conversation? I know I need to do this,the sooner the better...I am really ready now. I think it has to be know that I have someone here with me and the lonliness will not be so much of an issue. Take it easy and hang in there ....DO NOT CALL...LOL


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