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    Old 03-02-2006, 03:49 AM   #1
    mirrorreality
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    Question gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    we have been togehter for 2 years, usuallyu very happy, and share an apartment. She is very messy and leaves everything all over the place, it is hard tolive with. nothing ever gets done unless I do it!!!

    she is also very overweight, about 240. she wants to lose but never does anything about it. For 6 months has talked about starting weight watchers but never does it. talks about eating healthier but never changes. the worst part is she eats so muc before giong to bed!! if I go first, thenest day I find a whole bag of popcorn or plate of chips lying on the counter or couch. she never does any excercise.

    its so unattractive to have to listen to her breathe. she gets winded walking up a flight of stairs. she has become so unattractive that i cant lie to her about it anymore

    I really neet to tell her she has to change these habits and even start to lose weight but I do not know how without insulting her and starting a big fight. how do i do this???

     
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    Old 03-02-2006, 06:03 AM   #2
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    Tell her that you love her no matter what, but you are concerned that her weight is unhealthy. Tell her that you want her around for a very long time, and are afraid that since she's heavier she might be endangering her health. Tell her that she is still beautiful, but for her health she really needs to lose weight.

    Try to keep it about her health so she doesn't lose any self esteem, which is probably already low.

    Perhaps you could say that you want to eat healthier too, and do it together. Buy only healthy foods at the grocery store and don't eat out as much. Start doing activities together, like going for walks, or even to the gym. It's easier to do with someone else then alone.

    But please, do not tell her she is unattractive. This may just cause her to eat more as "comfort".

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 06:07 AM   #3
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    I think one thing to keep in mind is that the eating isn't the problem so much as a symptom of the problem. If you want to help, try to get her to find out what is bothering her about her life - what is she trying to hide from, what kind of feelings is she trying to stuff down by all of the eating? Compulsive eating is a very tough cycle to get out of, by you have to work on the what the real issue is - usually, something like depression.
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    Old 03-02-2006, 06:42 AM   #4
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    Sounds to me that she has an eating disorder and probably needs counseling. To eat huge quantities of food goes beyond just needing to lose weight.
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    Old 03-02-2006, 06:57 AM   #5
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    Hi, firstly even though she hasnt done anything about it..yet it is a good positive thing that she even talks about doing it and by what you said i presume in the past you would not make to many coments on the subject as you didnt want to hurt her and even though that is a nice kind and caring thing it may just have been the wrong approach. basically what i am saying is that she needs some motivation..a push in the right direction. you could try talking to her about her weight and even though you are beginning to find her unattractive..i would not tell her that instead tell her you are concerned for her healt, that there are alot of diseases assoicated with being overweight(heart disease etc) (mention as often as posible in the conversation how much you love/care for her).
    then you could sugest a gym membership... a.s.a.p. maybe suggest you join wiht her to give her some support or if she has a friend who would try to loose weight wiht her(it can be great motivation if there is someone else there for support).
    you say she snacks on sweets and chips late at night well to prevent this you should try getting rid of all these types of food from the house. and next time you go shopping for food try to change from the snacks you normally buy to healthy food and if you NEED to buy snacks try to only buy a small amount which can be rationed for example if you got a pack of 7 chocolate bars then to reward being good at the gym or eating healthy food all day she could have one each evening.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 08:36 AM   #6
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    I would just have to agree with what the posters before me have said. It's all about how you make your point to her.

    If you say, "you're fat, and i'm not attracted to you anymore, and won't be til you lose weight," then she will most likely never bother trying.

    But, if you say, "I was hoping that maybe we could join a gym together, start taking walks, start eating healthier.." she may be more willing.
    Don't make it seem like it's just her. Tell her that you want to start eating healthier and being more active. Tell her that you want yourselves as a couple to be healthier. Don't sit back and wait for her to do it, make the plans if she agrees.

    Getting started on a weight loss/fitness program is really hard, especially when you know you're starting off with a very long way to go, like your gf. So, you need to help motivate her and be very careful not to discourage her.

    Also...if you start your program together, make sure you let her know when you notice that she's looking a little thinner, or if she makes progress at the gym in something. Compliment her sincerely when the weight loss starts to show, even a little bit. It will go a long way.

    I will say though, that with what you say about the messy apartment, her not wanting to do anything, and the eating problem, she may be depressed. Do you know of anything in her life that is making her unhappy? If she doesn't start to perk up, maybe she needs to talk to somebody or be screened for depression.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 08:58 AM   #7
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    It sounds like she has lost all motivation. She does not care about herself and therefore nothing else matters either. If the house is messy or things are dirty, it don't matter because her life is a mess too, so why bother! I think she is going through a depression of some kind and needs help from a professional. Her weight problem is too far gone for her to handle alone. As one other poster said, the weight is just a symptom of whatever problem she is facing. Some people hide behind food to ease (if only temporarily) the pain they are feeling. If you care about this girl (and it's obvious that you do), sit down and talk to her about seeing a doctor about her weight problem and to see if she may need antidepressants to help pull her out of this. If not, she will defenitely drag you down with her and then you'll both lose hope. I have been through depression and I know how terrible it makes you feel. It is something that you have to have help with. It won't go away by itself! Keep us all posted on how things are going and please talk to her before things get worse! Good luck!
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    Old 03-02-2006, 09:20 AM   #8
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    I think the best thing you can do is to set a good example and hope it rubs off. I have a friend who has some pretty bad eating habits and I'd always tell her to eat better. But no one likes to feel like they're being lectured. So I decided to just focus on myself and let her do whatever she wanted. If we went out to eat, I'd order a grilled chicken sandwich instead of a burger or get steamed veggies instead of fries. She'd make fun of me, but over time, she noticed that I never got sick and never gained weight. In fact, I lost weight. Now she eats healthy having seen how much of an impact it has. If I were you, I would exercise regularly and eat healthy and see if she follows your example.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 09:23 AM   #9
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    Was she always overweight?

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 11:09 AM   #10
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    Suggest her to clean house together and try to keep it this way. I am agree about her overweight, tell her that you worry about her health and try to eat healthy and do exercising with her as well.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 11:32 AM   #11
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    My husband felt the same way about me (the weight thing). He even said he would never leave me for it, so on and so on. In the end he left me. As a woman that has been in the same situation, I would be very upfront and honest with her - do not candy coat it in hopes of sparing her feelings because chances are she will need a major wake up call to get the weight off and start cleaning. Being nice will not do it. Tell her it is turning you off, her weight and her not cleaning up. If she does not do anything about it, then you need to decide what you are going to do. Some might say might advice is too harsh but then again I have experienced what your girlfriend is doing and a good shock is in order. I wish my husband did that to me instead of being nice about it.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 11:52 AM   #12
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    She sounds depressed. Does she work? If she does, you should be splitting the household cleaning as you are both very busy. If not, I wonder what she does at home all day. I am a stay at home mom and my job is to clean and raise the kids. I know other sahm's that don't even clean, and I think they are depressed. But I tend to wonder what on earth they do all day. I would address this issue now. If things don't change, I predict you will leave her. Don't leave without at least laying it all out in the open. You need to open a line of communication here. Good luck.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 12:54 PM   #13
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    I agree there is some depression there for her total lack of motivation.Like another poster asked was she pretty overweight when you two met or not?
    I agree with telling her you would like her to start eating alot healthier and exercising because of health we all know when a person is overweight even a little bit the heart has to work harder and when we eat it has to work harder.Someone as overweight as your g/f her heart is really having to work very hard and fat can build up around her heart and then shes got major problems besides all the other things like blockages and stuff which the things shes eating can cause.I would explain all this to her and also deffinitly ask her if anything is really bothering her and sugesst she go talk to someone.

    The cleaning well pitch in start to clean and hand her the vacuum or broom whatever and say hey lets get this place looking nice and smelling good turn some music she likes on or something.

    good luck!

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 03:54 PM   #14
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    Telling a heavy person that they need to lose weight for their health has about as much effect on them as a person who smokes being told they should quit for health reasons. (television drills it into our heads that fat, smoking, so on and so on are bad but we still do it) My father smoked for many many years until he had his first heart attack and that was the end with smoking. Most people do not believe bad will happen to them. If people actually believed their behavior would result in something bad then everybody would be thin, eating healthy, exercising an 1 hour a day, so on and so on but most of us (the majority) do not.

    She is most likely depressed. A dirty house can cause anyone to feel bad, (I know a clean house instantly makes me feel good) then with the extra weight that is a recipe for disaster. She is most likely sensing your disapproval with her but keeps telling herself it is her imagination.

    If she was thinner when you met her tell her you miss that side of her. (sorry but physical looks mean alot in a relationship) Tell her ou miss how she looked before, how clean the house use to be. Tell her you will do what you can to help her lose weight, but be firm about it. Do not bring junk food in the house, so on and so on. Like I said above do not candy coat it with sweetness because in the end you will lose interest in her if she does not do what she can to improve herself so to tell her that you will love her regardless is WRONG since we all know that is not true. Obviously it bothers you alot or you would not have posted on this board. On the other hand, calling someone FAT and making them feel bad about it has the opposite effect. I know that makes me want to eat more so understand she will mess up on her diet every once in a while (who doesnt). You will also have to be patient but as long as she is on a diet and you are both cleaning, hopefully that will keep you around. Weight Watchers is a great way to lose weight. good luck

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 07:13 PM   #15
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    Re: gf needs to lose weight & stop lazy habits

    you can't win in this situation, leave her now.

    if you encourage her, she'll turn around and use it against you "you always thought i was fat because you were keen to help me lose weight".

    even though she asks for your help (yep had it done). if your not happy, move on.

    or if you don't help her she'll be "your an unsupportive (bad words)" or "it's your fault i'm fat because you told me i was beautiful no matter what"

    it's because anyone who lets themselves go like that has no sense of responsibility, they will look to others as the cause of all their woes.

    my experience with any form of "helping" a partner ends up the partner leaving once their "cured". be it supporting them through a university degree, being the shoulder to cry on while they sort out their issues due to sexual abuse in their childhood, or weight. it'll drain your energy, and you'll feel ultra close to them, just to be hurt when they walk out that door with someone new and exciting, because they now have the self confidence to move on.

    Last edited by mada_3083; 03-02-2006 at 07:16 PM.

     
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