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  • Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

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    Old 03-02-2006, 07:44 AM   #1
    kellis
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    Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Ok..I have a real (age old) problem! I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 6 months! This woman he dated before me seems to want to break us up. She still calls his house, and a few weeks ago, we went out to a club and she was there. All night long she repeatedly kept coming over to where we were and whispering stuff in his ear. And what time she won't doing that, she was staring me down. I felt so uncomfortable, we left! This woman is several years older than I am and I don't know if she's jealous of me or wants him back (or both)! We are pretty serious in this relationship (he tells me he loves me and we see each other every day). Things are great except for her! What do I do?? Break things off for a while (which would be giving her exactly what she wants) or ride it out and hope it gets better? I love this man and want to be with him. But I don't understand why he won't tell her to leave us alone! Why won't men step up and tell these ex girlfriend's of theirs to take a hike? Why do women always have to straighten things out with the ex girlfriend? I didn't date her....HE DID! I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
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    Old 03-02-2006, 08:35 AM   #2
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Oh yeah, she wants him back...no doubt about that! It's not like she just calls him and talks about stuff...what she's doing is obvious! She hates you and wants you out of the picture. I believe that if it was just a case of a friendship between them after the fact it wouldn't be a big deal but the way she's acting, it's definately for him to tell her to get lost because of the way she's acting. Of course he may have already said something to her and she probably isn't going to listen. She sounds like she has a problem. I mean, giving you the evil eye...jeez!!!!!! I don't think it's up to you to say something to her though. You two may just have to avoid going to the places she hangs out at least until she gets over your BF and maybe finds one of her own!
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    Old 03-02-2006, 08:49 AM   #3
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    When she calls his house, does he answer and talk to her or does he hang up? Has he ever asked her to not call him anymore? When she whispered things in his ear, did he tell her to go away? If he hasn't, there's only one reason I can think of why he wont tell her to take a hike. He doesn't really want to.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 09:01 AM   #4
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    I thought about that too! I don't know if he talks to her when she calls because i'm not there! He tells me that she leaves messages on his machine. But he is a real friendly person to everyone he knows and I think he's just trying to be nice and all, but it's really starting to get on my nerves. I mean, what if I had an ex acting like that to him? I don't consider myself a beauty queen or anything, but I do take care of myself and I always get told that I look like I'm twenty-something even though I'm 38. This woman is way older than me and I don't know if she's jealous because I'm younger or she's just trying to be a *****! But I don't want to break up with him because of her. I guess I could just see how things go for a while and then decide what to do if things don't get better. Thanks for the replies!
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    Old 03-02-2006, 09:14 AM   #5
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kellis
    I thought about that too! I don't know if he talks to her when she calls because i'm not there! He tells me that she leaves messages on his machine. But he is a real friendly person to everyone he knows and I think he's just trying to be nice and all, but it's really starting to get on my nerves. I mean, what if I had an ex acting like that to him? I don't consider myself a beauty queen or anything, but I do take care of myself and I always get told that I look like I'm twenty-something even though I'm 38. This woman is way older than me and I don't know if she's jealous because I'm younger or she's just trying to be a *****! But I don't want to break up with him because of her. I guess I could just see how things go for a while and then decide what to do if things don't get better. Thanks for the replies!
    I understand your bf may be a nice guy, but there are some people you just can't be nice to. Wow, it's kind of sad to hear about a woman what, in her 40s I'm guessing, behaving this way. But I argree that I don't thnk it's your job to chase her off. It's really his. If he refuses to do so, and she won't get the hint, it may be something you'll just have to get used to and make the best of until she gives up and gets a clue.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 09:29 AM   #6
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Hi Kellis,

    I have a similar problem and I will be honest with you, if your BF doesn't take a stand and show her her limits (as hard as it takes) then there is nothing that YOU can do.
    My Bf's ex (with whom he have a son) is in her 40s and I am in my twenties, and God she has tried to make it SO difficult for me, visiting (and planning to visit) in every occasion, including St Valentines day! Yes. And my BF is also too "soft" or rather too weak to tell her to stop. But your Bf has no child, hence no excuse to accept her rude intrusion like that. Men like the attention and even if he loves you, he might want to boost his self-ego by letting people like her into his life.

    Last edited by Nina000; 03-02-2006 at 10:02 AM.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 09:39 AM   #7
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    you're right....it is his job to chase her off! But there is more. Even now, he claims he only hung out at her house but never really dated her. I guess in other words, it was just sex. But I know through mutual friends that they did date for a while. And it must be true because why else would she be so possessive of him and hate me so much? I don't know if I should continue in this drama or not. Maybe I should just move on and see what happens while they decide what they want to do.
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    Old 03-02-2006, 09:43 AM   #8
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kellis
    you're right....it is his job to chase her off! But there is more. Even now, he claims he only hung out at her house but never really dated her. I guess in other words, it was just sex. But I know through mutual friends that they did date for a while. And it must be true because why else would she be so possessive of him and hate me so much? I don't know if I should continue in this drama or not. Maybe I should just move on and see what happens while they decide what they want to do.
    Well, I hate to say it, but I really think that's what I'd do. I have an ex boyfriend who is married now and when he was with me he flirted and gawked at other women, always kind of put me second in a lot of ways, but now he won't even be in the same place as me (we still have mutual friends) because it would make her mad. He skipped a friend's birthday party because I was going to be there. I don't know if I deserve such devotion, but I know I want it. I can't see how she's such a far superior human being to me that she deserves that kind of faithfulness and devotion but I don't. I will never again waste time with a man who won't kick another woman totally to the curb to make me feel more secure and comfortable in the relationship. And it would be my guess that when your boyfriend finally meets the woman he loves as much as my ex loves his wife, he will have no problem telling the ex to go take a hike and never bother him again.

    Last edited by Hiya; 03-02-2006 at 09:47 AM.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 09:52 AM   #9
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Hi Nina....thanks for your reply also! I don't know why other women have to make things so hard. You are right....he has no kid with her and no ties what so ever! In your case, I think your man's ex is TOTALLY 100% jealous of you because you are younger than her! I mean, her wanting to spend Valentine's day with you guys??? Who does she think she's fooling? I don't know what this woman's hang-up is, but she has no right to treat you that way just because she has a child with your man! I think all of us women in general need to take a stand and quit being treated like that! But, if the guy is not willing to back us up,what can we do? We end up looking like insecure little prudes trying to run their life or something! In my case, I don't know if I am willing to put up with it much longer. I do love him, but I do have some pride about myself not to be crapped on!
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    Old 03-02-2006, 09:55 AM   #10
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kellis
    Hi Nina....thanks for your reply also! I don't know why other women have to make things so hard.
    Unfortunately, simple numbers. We're 52% of the population, and most men don't want to marry until later in life and when they do, they go for younger women. Too many lonely, desperate, love-starved single women, not enough good single men. But I don't there's anything insecure looking or prudish to expect your man to give you some respect and devotion.

    Last edited by Hiya; 03-02-2006 at 10:00 AM.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 10:20 AM   #11
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    Unfortunately, simple numbers. We're 52% of the population, and most men don't want to marry until later in life and when they do, they go for younger women. Too many lonely, desperate, love-starved single women, not enough good single men. But I don't there's anything insecure looking or prudish to expect your man to give you some respect and devotion.
    Hi again

    I tend to agree with Kellis on that one. While we are secure and proud inside, and we know, Hiya, that we are only asking for our natural right to feel special, some men make it feel like we want to control them, and dictate on them what to do. I mean we have a choice of either being possessive or else being mistreated in the name of openness and freedom.

    Let's see how secure your BF will be, if a man started whispering in your ears, visiting you home, etc. I bet you he will get furious, mad, call you names, and all that...
    My Bf says that men has got bad intentions and he is so skilled at finding a huge fault with each and every single male who I talk to.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 10:26 AM   #12
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nina000
    Hi again

    I tend to agree with Kellis on that one. While we are secure and proud inside, and we know, Hiya, that we are only asking for our natural right to feel special, some men make it feel like we want to control them, and dictate on them what to do. I mean we have a choice of either being possessive or else being mistreated in the name of openness and freedom.
    .
    There's a third choice you didn't mention: simply decide you deserve better and put your walking shoes on and walk away and find a man who will treat you the way you want to be treated without you having to beg or be possessive. when you settle for less than what you want and need and deserve, then you get what you settle for.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 10:34 AM   #13
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Yes of course, but I meant if you were to stay with such partners, these are the only options available. The insecurities we feel are ACQUIRED and not born.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 10:41 AM   #14
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nina000
    Yes of course, but I meant if you were to stay with such partners, these are the only options available. The insecurities we feel are ACQUIRED and not born.
    Oh yeah, that's true, if you are goig to stay with someone who allows other women to hang on him call him, etc. eventually, it will wear away your self esteem and turn you into a nagging controlling shrew, or an insecure mess, no matter how secure and strong you start out to be. But why would you want to stay in that kind of situation? I'm not judging, lord knows, I've been there. I stayed way too long in sort of a similar situation, and turned down other guys in the hopes the relationship would work. I ended up defeated and feeling so low I still can't pick myself up, and the ex is happily married with a great life. If I had walked when I first deep down knew I wasn't getting what I really wanted, needed and deserved out of the relationship, who knows? If I hadn't turned down one of the other men, I might be happy now too. Staying in any situation where you have to fight to hang on to your self respect and sense of security and self worth is nothing but a big fat waste of time, in my experience.

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 01:38 PM   #15
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    Re: Boyfriend's Ex won't leave us alone

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    I stayed way too long in sort of a similar situation, and turned down other guys in the hopes the relationship would work. I ended up defeated and feeling so low I still can't pick myself up, and the ex is happily married with a great life. If I had walked when I first deep down knew I wasn't getting what I really wanted, needed and deserved out of the relationship
    Hmmm, true true true, but the sad thing is that what we want and need then is for things to work out!
    It is consuming after having given SOOO much in a relationship to want to start again with another man, and take the same risk of him turning out into another jerk, at some point maybe when the romance is gone!!!!!! I mean I am not even sure that there is a completely Mr Right. So naturally I tend to forgive *little* fixable things, but not an cruel disrespect. Actually you CANNOT love someone who doesn't love/respect you. Also when you are having such downs in a deep relationship, you will be far from receptive to others because such experiences do tune down the enthusiasm and desire for love. I am not being negative but I truely don't think that there is a 100% perfect guy!

    Last edited by Nina000; 03-02-2006 at 01:40 PM.

     
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