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  • my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

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    Old 03-07-2006, 10:32 PM   #1
    alexandria08
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    Question my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    my boyfriend started dating in feb 05, we dated for about 4 months, and became official at the end of may. a few months into the relationship he brought up that a girl he slept with before he met me thought she was pregnant with his kid, but he didnt think it was hers because she sleeps around. and that was the end of the conversation because he said it wasnt serious and he never heard from her again. (shes in the military and lives in Guam, when she came back she was on leave and they hung out and ended up sleeping together)

    well just a month ago he brought it up again, and said she was home from Guam and that he was going to see the baby since it had been born a month earlier. but then he called me back to tell me that he was really going to the hospital because the baby was really born that day (Jan 29). which meant he had slept with her after he knew me (but we were only dating so he didnt technically cheat on me) he said he lied about when the baby was born because he didnt want to lose me.

    i love my boyfriend more than anything, and i want to be with him. ive tried breaking up (weve been breaking up on and off since it happened, but we always end up back together because we miss each other too much). Now he drives an hour and a half every week to see the baby and i get mad that he goes to her house. ive been so upset about this ive lost alot of weight and i havnt been sleeping much. it hurts me so much when i think about him having a baby with another girl. he keeps telling me that theres nothing going on between them, and she told me that too. but she doesnt want me at her house so i cant even go with him to see the baby. this makes me feel left out, and it makes me feel like somethings going on.

    she has to go back to Guam with the baby at the end of the month. but until then shes here, and i dont know how to deal with the fact he has to go down there to see the baby and her. i'm really confused. can someone help me please.

    Last edited by alexandria08; 03-07-2006 at 11:14 PM.

     
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    Old 03-07-2006, 10:43 PM   #2
    Morboro
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    Has he got himself and the baby checked to see if it is his? If he has not then he should damn do so. If she is the kind of girl who sleeps around as you have said, then it might not be his.

     
    Old 03-07-2006, 10:49 PM   #3
    alexandria08
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    yea, he just got the DNA test back last week, and it is his.

     
    Old 03-07-2006, 11:34 PM   #4
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    Falling in love with someone is easy. It's those darn details that keep screwing it up. Unfortunately, if you want to be with this guy, you're going to have to take the whole package deal. The ex and the baby are part of it. If he's any kind of father at all, the child will always be in his life, and like it or not, the child's mother.

     
    Old 03-07-2006, 11:36 PM   #5
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    you seem like you think he's still sleeping with his baby's mother. is this true?

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 05:45 AM   #6
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    Sweetie, why doesn't this woman want you at her house? because she's trying to be difficult and he's conforming to her wishes. This is wrong! Your feelings are not less important than his, hers, or anyone else's and the fact that she shows up once in a blue moon is not good enough. You shouldn't be going through this confusion and anxiety for whatever reason.
    There are a lot of sad women who think that they can gain men over by having their babies. They are only sad. She sounds a p----- to me, for having someone's baby without even letting him know until the baby is born. But don't let this upset you. You can always have a baby with him later.
    The main thing is for him to understand that he's hurting you and that he should find a fairer solution. Talk to HIM, not to her.
    I have a very similar situation! Urgh it sucks!

    Last edited by Nina000; 03-08-2006 at 07:52 AM.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 07:09 AM   #7
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    Unhappy Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by alexandria08
    but he didnt think it was hers because she sleeps around.
    Whether it was a serious relationship or not, it's never a good idea to believe everything a boyfriend tells you about an ex. Remember, you haven't been with him that long and he's already lied. His reasoning, that he didn't want to lose you, is to make you think he somehow lied "for you". People generally lie "for themselves".

    If you're feeling left out now, be prepared, because even if you have a child with this guy, his time is going to be split up between you and his other child. Especially when birthdays and holidays roll around. As for whether he's messing with her or not, I don't know. But I have a pretty good idea why she doesn't want you to come over to her house with him. I doubt she may have nothing against you personally, but she probably knows that their having a baby together is a thorn in your side. I know if I were in her shoes, I'd be concerned that their would be a lot of tension in the house or arguing, if you came over with him. It could be different if you two already knew each other well and got along great. But she doesn't know you all that well, and you don't know her, so you'll always wonder what's going on between them.

    It doesn't sound like he's going to abandon his baby for you. She likely won't be in the military forever, and when she gets out, your boyfriend will want her to live near him so he can see his child. I know this all sounds very harsh when you love someone and want nothing more than to be with that person. It can feel like a slap in the face. The reality is, if a woman is involved with someone who has a child, she has a tough decision to make. Does she bite the bullet and let him go, or does she accept that she'll never be his number one priority?

    If you let him go, you'll hurt for a while, just like you're hurting now. If you decide to stay, you could hurt like this all the time.

    Last edited by cookiepls; 03-08-2006 at 07:09 AM.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 07:09 AM   #8
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    Ok. There are several issues here that you will have to learn to deal with if you are going to keep dating this guy. But first, what bothers me is that he lied to you to begin with. He wanted to keep you and thought he should cover up what was going on. First strike against him! Second, he is spending time with her without you around. Now, if that is indeed his kid (and unless he has a DNA test done, how can he know for sure) it is great that he is spending time with the child. But there is no reason that you should not be able to go with him. Third, she sounds like she is using this child to get her way with him. He will have to be the one to step up and let her know how he feels about you and that she will have to accept you or at least be civil to you as long as you two are together. But unfortunately, this is going to be hard no matter how you look at it. When you choose to date a man with kids already, there are certain issues that you have to deal with. You have to decide whether or not this is something that you want to put up with. Also, you will have to deal with this other girl and that will start to get old after a while! No one can tell you what to do about this, but from my point of view, unless this guy is someone you think you want to spend your life with, it may be better to let it go and date others for a while until you decide if you can do this or not! The fact that he lies already points to big trouble down the road!

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 07:13 AM   #9
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    im not sure if he is, but i have a bad feeling. he keeps telling me he's not and nothings going on between them, and nothing will. but i question it because she calls him everyday twice a day, and i dont like the way she talks to him. plus now shes close with his family, closer than i am, and that makes me think shes just trying to get closer to him.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 07:16 AM   #10
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    She can only get closer to him if HE allows it.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 07:22 AM   #11
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    If she is closing in on his family too, then she defenitely wants more out of this! And like I said before, she has this child to play on everyone's heart and that will be one thing that she has in her favor that will never change! Honey, do yourself a big favor and move on! There are so many other guys out here and I know that you can do better than a man that lies to you all of the time! It's not worth the heartache. You will be ok and you will look back on this and be glad that you didn't marry someone who can't be trusted!!

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 08:37 AM   #12
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    this is going to be a lot of hassle, there will be a lot of heartche, jealousy, insecurities....do you think your love will survive it? is it worth it?

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 09:27 AM   #13
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    I don't want to say is this relationship worth it because your answer is probably yes, being that the answer no it probably unbearable right now. BUT you HAVE to ask your self this, what are you willing to live with and what you NOT willing to live with? I have had to ask myself this in prior relationships and it does help with knowing what you really want. Are you willing to live with not being able to go with him to visit the baby because she said you can't go and he's not putting his foot down with her and telling her, "No she's coming with me this time."

    My past relationship actually sounds just like yours, but i'm sure your boyfriend wasn't as awful as my ex. My ex lied about the pregnancy for a long time because he "didn't want to lose me" Ahhh thats a bunch of bull, he was protecting himself. And yes it does hurt (I don't care how selfish this sounds) that your not number one priority anymore. I know how irritating it is that she's taking over his family, and that she calls twice a day WHEN LET ME TELL YOU THAT IS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. She is doing that yes because she cares for him, and yes she knows it bothers you. Women can be such witches.

    I'm sure he's not a terrible person. But i'm assuming he knows how you feel about all this, and if he doesn't hunny you have to tell him because he can't read your mind. If you have told him and he has done nothing about it then LEAVE NOW. lol. No, i'm not telling you what to do, but he's lying to you already and lying equals no trust, no trust equals no relationship..

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 10:11 AM   #14
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    To ban you from her house is rather childish of her, especially if she insists that she has no plans to get him back. Why can't she and the baby travel to where you and your bf are once in a while? She seems to be calling all the shots and manipulating the situation to leave you out of it entirely. Just so we know, if she lives an hour and a half away, how is she able to ingratiate herself into his family, how is she able to be tighter with his family than you are if she lives so far away?

    Of course his child will have to be a priority with him, but that doesn't mean you no longer have a prominent place in his life. If you have given her no good, concrete reason to ban you from her house, i.e. if you have never called her names or yelled at her or tried to hit her or anything, then it's pretty plain that she is trying to phase you out. Your bf should stress to her that, although he is grate for her to let him come see his child, you and he are a package deal and you need to be included. Otherwise, if a DNA test has determined he is indeed the father, then he should get a lawyer and take her to court for visitation. That way he can get his child for a whole weekend or however much time the court allows without her around. He should check into protecting his rights as a father and not let her call all the shots.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 10:39 AM   #15
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    Re: my boyfriend just had a baby with another girl...i need some real advice!!

    If the 2 of you were dating and he slept with her I still consider that cheating. This baby has tied him to this girl and that's not going to change. If you think her is sleeping with her than I wouldn't continue to be with him. Otherwise you if you want to stay with him and work it out you will have to get use to him spending time with the baby. Maybe when the baby gets older he can work out a schedule for visitation that allows him to bring the baby home so you 2 can share in the experience instead of always running over by the mother alone.

     
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