It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Dumped after six years...

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 03-08-2006, 10:12 AM   #1
    mismax
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 201
    mismax HB User
    Dumped after six years...

    Hi everyone,

    I appreciate anyone who is willing to read this. I am so devastated and hurt right now. My boyfried of six years dumped me the other night. The only reason he gave was he doesn't know what he wants. What I don't understand is how you can tell someone you have known for a long while you want to marry them and that you want a future together and work on that goal with your significant other. It seems like he has taken the easy way out. Our relationship has been long distance for the past six months. He lives in Canada and I here in the US. I don't understand how on goes from talking about plans for when I was going to go up to visit and for a week trip in May, to I don't know what I want and then ends it. This definitely was not a mutual break up. What hurts the most is i don't know the truth. Granted the truth will hurt but I would rather have the truth to deal with and then move on. It is so hard to move on with so many unanswered questions. Everything seemed fine and then this. I don't know what to make of it all. I mean the last thing I said to him was, okay goodbye. I hung up before I could say anything else. When he did end it it felt like he did so out of frustration. I'm just hurt and confused. What would you make of someone telling you they don't know what they want? Any help or advice at this hard time would be great. It seems like all I do is cry. I cry at the snap of a finger it seems. It just hurts so bad.

    Thanks

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-08-2010 at 02:04 PM.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 03-08-2006, 10:28 AM   #2
    farceur66
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    farceur66's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2005
    Posts: 178
    farceur66 HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    My husband did the same thing to me. Usually it means there is someone else he is interested in or is already seeing. I am really sorry you are hurting right now. Nothing anyone can say can take that pain away. I truly understand your confusion over his leaving you. Has he tried to call you at all since you broke up? Have you tried to call him?

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 10:35 AM   #3
    spider37
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    spider37's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2005
    Posts: 328
    spider37 HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    my husband of 10 years has just done tthe same to me turns out he left me for a skank with 5 kids

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 10:45 AM   #4
    charlatans
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    charlatans's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2005
    Posts: 1,402
    charlatans HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    it tends to be the fact that another person is involved and christ almighty is hurts, it hurts bad, its overwhelming ...i dont know what to make out of this one tho- six years!!!!!....
    keep strong girl, dont call hmi, please! let him come to you. i wish i did this with my ex...its the best way to go...dont do any of the calling!!!
    give it some time and if he hasnt got back to you, then move on as best you can and dont look back because after 6 years- if he isnt certain that he wants to marry you, then i dont think youve got much else to do other than move on and find mr right who you deserve...

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 10:51 AM   #5
    opielonghorn
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Apr 2004
    Posts: 483
    opielonghorn HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    hi kerry. you've come to the right place- everyone here has had some level of experience with this. i know right now you are hurting beyond belief and that is perfectly normal. try not to focus too much on what the 'truth' is. he said he was confused, and take it from me, it is best to take these things at face value. let him be confused, and move on as best you can. you may never get the answers you're looking for, and i know how frustrating that can be. there is really no answer to how a person can be talking marriage and future one minute and breaking up the next, but people are just screwed up sometimes. whatever his reasons are, even if it does end up being another girl, they don't matter. he made a choice. now he has to accept the consequences of that choice by not having you in his life. i hope that you have friends and famlly supporting you right now. try not to spend too much time alone. post here whenever you have a new thought or fear. we will help you.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 11:28 AM   #6
    mismax
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 201
    mismax HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Thanks everyone! It just hurts so bad to think of him with someone else when he has been leading me to believe something else, like a future with him. I haven't called him, even though I want to. I don't know what I would even say to him. I don't want to fight for someone who doesn't want to fight for me or isn't sure of what he wants. It is just hard to not picture him in my life anymore. He was such an intregal part for six plus years. I just don't see how he can throw it away with out a care in the world. That is what hurts, the not knowing and feeling like he has already moved on when he has hurt me this bad. In all honesty, I don't expect to hear from him at all. I was going to go up to visit him and some other friends the end of the month because of my birthday, but I don't know if I want to now. To many memories. I would expect after six years, if nothing else, for him to be honest with me. I have been nothing but honest with him. Doesn't he respect me enough to give me that? I'm just confused and hurt. I don't get how one can go from knowing what he wants to all of a sudden not knowing. Like I said it is either someone else or he has had these feelings all along and rather than be honest about lead me to believe we have a future. You don't play with someone's heart and emotions like that. Anyways, thanks everyone. I'm sorry if I am rambling or repeating myself. I've been dumped before and I have dumped people myself, but this one by far hurts the most. I really thought we had a future.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 11:38 AM   #7
    charlatans
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    charlatans's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2005
    Posts: 1,402
    charlatans HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    my ex led me to believe that we had a future together, that he was crazy, mad about me but in fac he had feelings for another girl and was dragging things out- but your situation is different- you were together for six years! wow hun...please dont call him, youre doing well...if anything is to come of this then he has to call you...
    in the meantime, keep yourself busy- this will be hard because youll probably just want to sleep, lay in bed all day and cry...this is perfectly normal...youre not alone...we've all been there and it isnt nice and it isnt easy but after time pick yourself up and start to enjoy life, start to realise that life is unfair and sometimes you cant do anything about it but try to move on, try new things, meet new people...itll all blow over altho it may not seem like it...it will get easier and youll probably see you two werent meant to be together anyway but all this will take time- believe me when i say give it time, good things comes to those who wait!

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 11:50 AM   #8
    opielonghorn
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Apr 2004
    Posts: 483
    opielonghorn HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    kerry, although my last relationship was only half the length of yours, i had a similar experience in that after we broke up, there was nothing left to say. people always say how strong i was because i didn't contact him, but honestly, there was nothing left to talk about. he didn't want to be with me anymore because he was unsure of me, and i certainly wasn't going to try to convince him otherwise. so i know what you are going thru, and all i can tell you is that i did get some answers from my ex, and it didn't lessen my pain. we met for one last time and talked for three hours, in which i asked him all the questions i had. hearing some of the answers was extremely painful, and only fed my obsessive thinking for the year after it. like i said, there is no real answer as to why people do what they do. in hindsight, i probably would have just let it lie.

    to address another point of yours- i seriously doubt that he just walked away from you, completely untouched. i found out [from mutual friends] after the fact that my ex had a very, very difficult time after we broke up. it isn't easy for anyone, despite the face he might show to the world.

    take good care of yourself now.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 12:40 PM   #9
    lady346
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    lady346's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Posts: 678
    lady346 HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Hi Kerry.
    I recently went through the same exact thing as you (mid-Nov, after 2 years). To avoid writing on and on about MY issues (once I get going I cant help it), I will just say that you can always do a search on me- and my other name, Lals49- and all of my past threads explain my situation in detail...its very similar to yours. The responses I received were amazing throughout it all, and they may help you too, if you have the time, that is!
    The gist: Im 23, my ex was 22 (now 23) and moved here to the city for dental school, so we were long distance for a year. I didnt think I would marry him, I just knew, so I know what you mean when you say that you had made all these plans- we weren't just making plans, we were assuming it all was going to happen. And both of us were, not just me! Well, he got here, all of a sudden for a month just started acting wierd/distant, and next thing you know, he stopped calling me over some stupid argument. I had to confront HIM to hear that he wants to 'be alone'. I had started having a wierd feeling about this one 'friend' of his in his program, who lived just downstairs. He seemed to hang out with her and the other people in his circle of friends all the time, and wanted to see them over me. Well, as it turns out, I confront him a month later after the break-up that was still being dragged out, after seeing some pictures of them cuddled up, immediately after our break-up (we're talking weeks here). This is January now, and he didnt deny that they were seeing each other. A month after the break-up was final. As I concluded, he left me for someone else, depsite the bs he told me "If I had the time to give you, I would" I need to be alone, I dont know who I am", "i dont know what I want". All while crying. He still cried when I yelled at him in Dec...yet didn't hesitate to jump right into things with this girl.

    I feel your pain. It hurts like hell- its the worst pain Ive ever felt. I am still going through it every day, although the pain is gone...but not the memories, the bitterness/hatred and the frustration. I feel myself getting over him now. I pretty much hate him- I thought he was this amazing guy that would never hurt me. I pretty much regarded him as my fiance. I used to admire him while he was sleeping! To be betrayed in the way that I was just seemed like a surreal nightmare- the worst thing that could ever happen.

    I am seeing a counselor, and it really has helped immensely. I suggest that, once you get through the initial shock/denial, you seek out a therapist? Let me tell you though- the first month is the worst. After that, it starts to get better. So you have something to look forward to! My thanksgiving and Christmas were totally ruined becaues I cried the whole time, but once I got back to NYC and filled up my social life, it got better. I think of him every day, but more and more neutrally. You will be OK, I promise you, because I am sheer proof that this feeling of crying when the wind blows goes away over time. I remember feeling numb, feeling like dying, etc etc., I couldn't eat/sleep/concentrate on anything. I commend you for being so strong as to not call him and ask him a million questions for answers- that is what I did. In the end, it made things worse, becaues the answers I got were either bs that didnt make any sense, or they made me cry more. So I cut him out, despite his desire to remain 'friends' (ha!) and that is when I started healing quicker. Then I found out about the girl, took 10 steps back, and then starting healing for real.

    As much as I hate to say it, I agree with the others that there might be another girl in the picture. I wouldn't have agreed with that at 2 months ago; in fact, when people responded to my threads saying that, I refused to believe it, thinking that my ex would NEVER do that to me. Turned out...they were right. If you are looking for answers, I can almost guarantee you will 1) never get them, or 2) get them and they will kill you to know the truth. I remember feeling sick to my stomach when people suggested 'another girl', but they were right. It is a huge blow to your self-confidence, i know, but you need to realize that it has nothing to do with YOU. I used to think- was I not pretty enough, was I too demanding/needy, was I this and that? I blamed myself for a while (hence, the need for therapy) because I thought my ex was so perfect and kind, that it had to be me that ruined things. Its a shame to find out someone you thought you knew like the back of your hand is not who you thought he was at all. I think thats the worst part about it.

    I feel myself rambling on and on...like I said, it is all too familiar to me! Please keep posting because this board really helped me try to put things into perspective. I hope that, through my post here, you can see that everything you are feeling is totally normal. Like you, I feel that my ex walked away without feeling a thing or having a single regret, because that is how I saw it. He gave me no signs otherwise. He told one thing to his friends (Im ready to move on), and another to me (I dont know if Im ready to move on) and of course now I have no choice but to believe what he exudes to his friends, as he lied to me about it all from the start. I rememer saying the same thing you said- "I dont want someone that doesnt want me". That is very important here. If he can walk away from you, then you don't want that. Especially if he bullsh***ed you the whole time, as my ex did. You dont want someone who can fall out of love quickly...you want someone who will never want to let you go.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 01:05 PM   #10
    mismax
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 201
    mismax HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Thanks ,

    It does make me sick to my stomach to think he is with someone else. It is taking everything out of me not to call or write him. I doubt I will ever hear from him and that hurts a lot. I mean six years is a huge amount of time. To feel as if he doesn't care and that it really doesn't mean anything to him hurts like no tomorrow. I figure he knows how I feel about him. If he isn't sure of me then I have to move on. It is just so painful and hard. I mean we weren't planning wedding spots or anything like that. We were just planning a future together and working on that goal of marriage at some point. What pisses me off is if I hadn't probed him about what has been going on with him lately he would have acted like nothing was wrong and keep playing me. It seems like he wants his and wants to eat it as well. You can't have both. I'm not going to play second fiddle to someone else. I can say all this stuff and my head is saying it will all be all right. But, man does it hurt and do I feel like crying at every second. At least I am home at the moment and I have the support of my family through this. I just hate the way it ended, to think the last thing I will ever say to him was okay, goodbye. I also truly believe in let them go and if they come back hold onto them. Everything I felt and believed is now shattered. I now don't know what to think or believe. I don't even know if I can trust him. When I asked him if there was anyone else he swore to me up and down there wasn't. I know I will get through this, it just hurts. It hurts not knowing if he is hurting as much as I am. I've been through worse, I'm sure I can get through this. It just doesn't feel like it right now. It takes everything in me to get up and go to work in the mornings. Granted he only broke up with me on Monday night. It feels like he broke up out of frustration or something, it feels so unfinished, for lack of a better word. Anyways, thanks for listening to me rant. Just hurting and want to cry all the time. I am really trying hard to take care of myself. Some of my friends say give him time and see if he contacts me. Others say I need to go up there and find out what really is going on. I know if I saw him with someone else it would shatter me like no tomorrow. Again, thanks for listening.

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-08-2010 at 02:04 PM.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 01:29 PM   #11
    lady346
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    lady346's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Posts: 678
    lady346 HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    I asked my ex at LEAST 5 times if there was someone else, and he swore too. Well, he lied! I think he just didn't want to come out and say "I dont want a relationsihp with YOU". He felt too guilty to do that, so he said all the other crap instead, to make it easier on himself for hurting me, which ultimately made it so much harder for me, that jerk!
    I wish I had had your strength at the time...I was a disastrous wreck. Granted, I didnt do anything like stalk him down. You just seem so level-headed! Your thoughts are very clear- you should be proud of yourself. I had every thought racing through my head and most of them were irrational- a lot of "I will nevers". I will never find someone who loves me like he did again, I will never want a relationship again, I will never find love again, I will never trust anyone again, etc etc etc. My emotions overtook my head.
    I know what you mean about letting them go, and if they come back, then keep them...with me, I believe that if someone breaks up with you once, thats it. My ex actually had the NERVE to say to me 'If you love someone, let them go'..and then when I found out about the girl and poured my heart out to him, he actually said 'I dont deserve this'. It still makes me so mad! I didnt let him go for the first month because he dragged it out- he didnt tell me anything execpt 'I dont know' when answering all of my questions. I finally had to cut him out when I realized that he felt nothing over the situation except his own guilt. He didnt care about me anymore, he cared about looking as decent as he could. So for me, I think deep-down I knew it was the end right when I walked out of his room that night (and I had gone down there just to get my shoes and yell at him for not calling me!).
    I also know what you mean about thinking that the last thing you will ever say to him is 'ok, goodbye'. With me, I had an issue with the last time I was ever naked with him...had I known it was the last time we would kiss and do all those things, I would have done it differently, you know? (and probably cried hysterically!). Our last time was just on a normal Monday night, like every other night together that I spent the night there. So that was depressing as hell.
    When you say you don't know if you can trust him- my answer is, you can't. He left you, and you never thought he would. So you cant trust him. Nonetheless, that doesnt mean that he IS seeing someone else, or completely lying to you. Everyone's story is different, so just because mine involved another girl, it doesnt mean yours does! I just think it is easier to move on when you cut off the person as well as the trust for him. Once I decided I really hated my ex, it was easier to start moving on. I hope to, one day, get to the point where I feel nothing toward him. THat is when I know I will be fully over him.
    Finally, I think the other scary thought I had (actually, STILL have) is wondering when it was that he fell out of love with me, all while we were still together and he was still telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me, and so forth. No wonder I didnt see it coming. That is just the most disgusting thought of all, because I will never know. So I know what you mean there about your ex continuing to play you unless you had probed him. I feel the EXACT SAME WAY- if I hadnt had pointed out how I had issues with his behavior, and finally went down there to ask WHAT is going on?! I wonder how long it would have continued on for! Its infuriating.
    How old are you, by the way? And him? No problem for listening at all, write all you want to I completely understand everything you are going for, Ive been in your shoes all too recently. And again, youre being amazingly strong!

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 01:39 PM   #12
    mismax
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 201
    mismax HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    I'm 25 and he is 27. I try not to think about the last time we were together. That kills me as well. If I had known, but then again.... I'm glad you think I am strong. On the outside I look it but inside I am dying. I mean, like you said, when I am angry at him it makes it easier. But, that is not how I want to be. I don't want to be angry. When I hold onto hope or faith that maybe it really is that he is confused and there is no one and just give him his space and time and we will see if he contacts me. I am torn between letting him go or holding onto hope for a little bit. I mean six years is a long time. I really am a complete emotional wreck. I can keep myself sane, somewhat, during the day, but at night and the drives to and from work kill me. I am afraid I won't find someone else, I am lonely, scared, angry, confused, frustrated. You name it i feel it. It hurts thinking someone who was such an important part of my left just decided unilaterally to leave. I'm torn between giving him some time to see if he reaches out or to do nothing.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 01:56 PM   #13
    lady346
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    lady346's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Posts: 678
    lady346 HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Well, I felt the same way too. Except I had already built up a lot of resentment toward my ex, so this treatment and wanting to end things was more than I could bear. I loved him more than anything, but I felt like I put a lot more effort into the relationship than he did. We had religious differences (mainly, him being religious and me not), and I bent over backward trying to accomodate that, all while he just sat there and benefitted in the relationship. He took me for granted. When he broke up with me, I was devastated beyond belief, after all I had done for him and 'us'. So it was too hard for me to just suck it all up, deal with my emotions, and wait for his next move. I was tired of giving him a lot of power.
    For you, though Im assuming it is different. You will have to do what is best for you, in THAT moment. Ive learned that in a situation like this, you have to do what is best in the moment, because you are too fragile and too emotional in your thinking to try to really put things all into perspective. For instance, I didnt want to think 'If I dont give him his space, I might push him away and he might not come back', although I did. I didnt want to make it all about HIM, after he had hurt me so much. So if calling him and asking him a gazillion questions alleviated MY pain, I did it. I was not going to sacrifice anymore after his true colors had become apparent to me.
    As far as what to do, try to decide what is best for you, not you and him. He is doing what is best for him, not for him and you anymore, so I think you should do the same. I am just afraid for you to harbor hope that he will reach out, and then your grieving will last much longer than it has to...cause it happened to me. I kept thinking that my ex would figure something out, or get reminded of all we had, and so I grieved and grieved and sucked up my feelings hoping it would be what HE needed. Now it makes me sick that I did all that when he was moving on all along.
    I know it is hell to feel as though you cant control your crying and your thoughts and that nighttime and your drives are unbearable. I remember it all too well, but I promise you that it will go away after the first 2 weeks or so. If you can get through that, you can get through the rest. I just had an exam today, and although its been 3ish months, I dont know if I did too well on it becuase I could not concentrate enough to study. I feel like Ive lost a lot of motivation to really do anything that isn't social...but I dont sit around and cry or think of him every second anymore. It will get etter. At some point, you will wake up and be tired of crying over him.
    And as I write this, I am watching Oprah and james blunt is on singing all of these heartachey songs about his ex-girlfriend, and I swear I could cry again sitting here listening to this...ugh! It is never easy, but you will regain control in time.

    Last edited by lady346; 03-08-2006 at 01:59 PM.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 02:06 PM   #14
    opielonghorn
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Apr 2004
    Posts: 483
    opielonghorn HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    honestly, your best bet is not to hold onto hope that he comes back. consider it done, and don't contact him. if he does realize that he made a mistake, and you still want to give him a chance, then fine, but other than that you should just consider it over. he has made a decision and he needs to live with that, as do you. this is going to be hard but nothing you can't handle. you sound amazing and i hope that you don't really believe that you will never find someone to love again, especially at the young age of 25!

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-08-2010 at 02:03 PM.

     
    Old 03-08-2006, 02:19 PM   #15
    TTBABM
    Inactive
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Location: san jose, ca.
    Posts: 82
    TTBABM HB User
    Re: Dumped after six years...

    Just like everyone else here my wife of 13 years ,also told me she did not know what she wanted.... which of course meant there was some one else.
    I can't blame all of it on the other guy, there is always alot more going on than just "the other person".
    I am sorry I know how hard it can be for you. I think it is important you find out the truth behind this . It can help you move on.

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-08-2010 at 02:03 PM.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    My schizophrenic boyfriend just dumped me.What can I do? HelpingRobin Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 9 04-07-2007 06:11 AM
    gf dumped me on hawaii cruise endymion_ Relationship Health 23 09-27-2005 12:52 PM
    Constant fear of being dumped/cheated on lancethechip Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 1 07-19-2004 08:28 PM
    Dumped and not sure how to feel AliDawn823 Relationship Health 167 06-08-2004 10:13 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:09 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!