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  • How did you know who's the right person for you?

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    Old 03-08-2006, 09:43 PM   #1
    SophiaM
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    How did you know who's the right person for you?

    Ok, so after years of more or less successful, but in the end completely unsuccessful, dating experiences, I realized that, oddly enough, I was TOO GOOD for all of my ex boyfriends. I was too mature, loving, understanding, forgiving, too good-looking, and too decent for them. I finally realized that! But what do I do NOW?! I stopped all contact whatsoever with all of my ex boyfriends, including the one who went away to grad school in Europe. I don't know why I put up with all this BS for years!!!! What was I thinking?!!! But now, I find that the older I get, the harder it seems to meet decent guys, and I also have some baggage by now. I'm going to be 34 soon. I still look the same as I did at 25 or 26, but the sheer number seems to have a bad effect on men. I am too young and full of life to resign myself to a life without a man. I don't want to. But what do I do????? I realized that it's hard to meet quality men. I need some PRACTICAL ideas. There are no single men at my work and no men at all in my program in graduate school. Online dating was not good; most of the guys were my father's age, weird, or commitmentphobic. I am ready to find the love of my life. But HOW??? Any ideas? I really feel ready now.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 03-08-2006 at 09:47 PM.

     
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    Old 03-08-2006, 11:20 PM   #2
    MrShannon
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    Hi, You're in luck. The wonderful thing about meeting the "one" you're going to spend your life with is, You don't have to do anything. When the time is right, he'll be put into your life. I know this sounds a little cliche, but I believe with all my heart it's true. Looking is not the answer. Living your life to the fullest is the answer. If you are following your heart and doing the stuff you love, it will lead you right to the "right" person. Because, chances are, he'll be doing the same thing. Don't search, and don't force anything. Just sit back, and enjoy your life. He will come, when the time is right. I'm a 30 year old male, just coming out of a 5 year relationship. I'm hurting, but I have a lot of hope. I know that the relationship I was in, wasn't the one for me. I know that the "right" girl is out there. And when I'm ready, and the time is right, we will cross paths..................until then, I'm just going to do what makes me happy. (and cry over the lost relationship LOL)

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 02:31 AM   #3
    charlatans
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    from the moment i saw my ex, i thought he was the one
    normally im not easy to please and i dont stand for what i thought this was, nonsense...
    i was blown away by him...throughout our relationship i thought (and still think) he is perfect...
    but obv it wasnt meant to be, thanks to me
    it felt so right...so right that i thought it couldnt be wrong...
    so i have no idea on this subject and dont believe in "the one" anymore...
    sorry to be negative...i cant trust/rely on others anymore...

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 08:29 AM   #4
    opielonghorn
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    meet as many people as you can, as often as you can. this includes women. build your social network, and you will cross more paths. it's simple math. i was dragged to some panel discussion the other evening and one of the speakers said exactly this. it's the same for anything in life; if you send out twenty resumes, maybe one job will call back, but if you don't send out any... you know the rest.

    the other poster's advice about doing what you really and truly love is also a big part of it. i am trying to figure that out for myself right now so i know how difficult that can be. i whined to my mom the other night that i never thought i'd be having a career crisis at 34, and she told me to knock it off and quit obsessing about my age! sometimes i need to be set straight that way!

    another good practice is to pinpoint what you really liked about guys in your past and figure out where those types of guys are. i realized that i have always dated very funny people, so i go to see comedy constantly now. it's great because i am putting myself in a position with like-minded individuals. i decided that i DON'T like guys who drink that often, so i stay away from the bar nonsense, except for the bar i work in, of course.

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 08:31 AM   #5
    Ruby13
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    Hi Sophia-

    I'm not sure how you can meet the right guy. I met my fiance online, but I know that's not working for you. I do wonder if it's not a matter of changing where you meet them, but who you choose to anser or flirt with or respond to initially. Maybe you're drawn to guys for the wrong reason, so the ones you actually go on dates are all wrong for you.

    I'm just wildly speculating here, but I thought about this a lot with my friends and before I met my fiance. For me, all the guys I dated had some kind of dramatic quality--they were semi-pro athletes, performers, artists, etc. I thought I wanted someone who was driven and a little different. The flip side is that they were either self-centered and couldn't think beyond their own goals or emotionally with-drawn and focusing on something else to avoid dealing with a relationship and often didn't have the other qualities that would make me happy. Another friend always dates guys who are extremely quiet and steady because she thinks they'll be stable. She has a big personality, so they get freaked out that she's so much more the center of attention than they are. And often the quiet guys aren't stable, they're just seething quietly. Another friend dates guys who have quirky senses of humor like she does, but they don't have their lives together like she does, so she gets frustrated with them.

    When I met my fiance, I'd finally realized that I was looking for someone who had all the qualities I wanted, not just one in the extreme. I'm not sure I would have picked him out 5 years ago. He was a little more conservative than my typical date, but when I read his profile, he just seemed to look at the world in a similar way. I didn't know on the first date, but I knew within the first couple of weeks. He was cute, smart, funny, emotionally available, athletic had a good job. He's got annoying qualities too, but they just don't bother me.

    Sorry to ramble. I always think this is an intereting topic.

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 09:44 AM   #6
    charlatans
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    some of my girlfriends are dating like mad, trying to find "the one" but i dont know if this works...isnt it just better to get on with life, when "the one" is meant to pop up, he/ she will...itll just happen, right?

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 09:53 AM   #7
    redsoxgirl1824
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    well, the way i see it is, yes, it will happen when the timing is right.

    But, there's no harm in dating around until that happens, it has to at least increase your chances of finding someone, or give you a chance to find them sooner.

    Staying holed up at home on friday and saturday nights with the tv and bowl of popcorn doesn't give you much chance of running into your potential "one"...

    Obviously i'm joking here, but I think if you live a regular life, dating various people but not getting fully absorbed into thinking "I HAVE to be out with someone every weekend!" then you might have some fun, go to some nice places, and hopefully catch one that will lead to more.

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 10:13 AM   #8
    cookiepls
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    I like this question Sophia. It really is challenging to find the right person. I met my husband as MrShannon said. When I wasn't looking, and I was totally enjoying my life. I was single, not interested in the guys around me, but having a great time just being friends with them.

    In fact, when he came into my little world, I didn't know he was Mr. Right. Totally not the type of guy I would normally date. Got to know him a little as a friend and discovered he had ALL the qualities I was looking for.........except one. He was 13 years younger than me.

    I had always imagined myself with a guy my own age with a great sense of humor, unaffected, grounded in reality, trustworthy and loyal, etc. He had it all and then some. I had to let the age difference go. It wasn't at the top of my priority list anyway. The character traits were.

    Long story short: Fifteen years later I can still say with great confidence, we are made for each other.

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 10:14 AM   #9
    farceur66
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    I personally do not believe it will happen on its own. For me, when I was not looking I typically was alone. Only when I was actively looking did things happen for me. As for finding the right one. I agree with another post. I too thought my ex was the right one. He had all the qualities I was looking for in a man plus we had alot in common - - that "right one" lasted 7 years. So for me, there is no such thing as "the right one". Just lots of good matches that may or may not turn into a long term relationship and out of those long term relationships only a very small percentage stay together for a really really really long time - - a lifetime. Now that is depressing!

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 12:15 PM   #10
    friendof
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    Well Sophia...I am actually hoping to find someone around your age in the future. I'm not sure what age range of guys you are looking at but I am new to 36 and looking in the 28 - 38 range. I think 34 is perfect...I would look at older but like you I look only about 25...so I get a lot of woman my age and older that have a hard time accepting that.
    I really don't know how you know the person is the right one for you. For me, I know some of the qualities I am looking for and some of the ones I can't stand plus if they are attractive to me then I would be willing to give it a chance to see what develops. I would say though that I'm a little on the optimistic side since I haven't been looking long and never really had to date...a litle scary out there too!
    Good luck to you!

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 12:24 PM   #11
    emma j
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    i was going to say you just know but i thought that and well look how i ended up

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 01:30 PM   #12
    Fabat40
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MrShannon
    Hi, You're in luck. The wonderful thing about meeting the "one" you're going to spend your life with is, You don't have to do anything. When the time is right, he'll be put into your life. I know this sounds a little cliche, but I believe with all my heart it's true. Looking is not the answer. Living your life to the fullest is the answer. If you are following your heart and doing the stuff you love, it will lead you right to the "right" person. Because, chances are, he'll be doing the same thing. Don't search, and don't force anything. Just sit back, and enjoy your life. He will come, when the time is right. I'm a 30 year old male, just coming out of a 5 year relationship. I'm hurting, but I have a lot of hope. I know that the relationship I was in, wasn't the one for me. I know that the "right" girl is out there. And when I'm ready, and the time is right, we will cross paths..................until then, I'm just going to do what makes me happy. (and cry over the lost relationship LOL)

    AAAwwww Mr. Shannon!!! You hit it right on the nail!

    I too was living my life and still am... it was enhanced when my now fiance entered our (my son and I) life. It is easy, nothing forced, loving, kind, affectionate, courteous, with mutual respect and admiration (not to mention the H-O-T sex! LOL) I feel like he's the right one for me. He told me that it was so easy to love me because I didn't need any "repair".... the feeling is mutual. XOXOXO I love him with all my heart and we're so "in tuned" with each other.
    He even moved from Washington state, sold his home, quit his 7 figure job and moved down here in Silicon Valley to be with me and my son. He was that sure of me. I felt he was right for me from date #3.

    Good luck and I believe in not crying for what went wrong with the past. I believe in hoping what great, wonderful things lie in the future. People break up for a reason and there's no used trying to analyse a past relationship to death. What's more important is learning the lesson from past relationships.
    I also refuse to shed unnecessary tears for someone who'd hurt me.




    .

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 06:15 PM   #13
    SophiaM
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by friendof
    Well Sophia...I am actually hoping to find someone around your age in the future. I'm not sure what age range of guys you are looking at but I am new to 36 and looking in the 28 - 38 range. I think 34 is perfect...I would look at older but like you I look only about 25...so I get a lot of woman my age and older that have a hard time accepting that.
    I really don't know how you know the person is the right one for you. For me, I know some of the qualities I am looking for and some of the ones I can't stand plus if they are attractive to me then I would be willing to give it a chance to see what develops. I would say though that I'm a little on the optimistic side since I haven't been looking long and never really had to date...a litle scary out there too!
    Good luck to you!
    Thanks! It made me feel better that someone who's only two years older than me actually thinks 34 is the perfect age for him. That made my day Seems like a lot of the guys online who were writing me were 10-20 years older, and that kind of depressed me a bit. Age is not everything, of course, but I would like to have a child probably at some point in not too distant future, and I don't think it would be fair to the child to have a father of such an advanced age. Besides, let's just face it, I don't feel very attracted to 50-year-old men.

    Good luck to you too, Friendof, I hope we both meet our matches soon

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 06:30 PM   #14
    SophiaM
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    Thank you to everyone who responded; it was such an interesting read. It's very interesting that there as many ideas as there are people, especially on the "to look or not to look" issue. I definitely have a busy life and am around people a lot; just that I haven't run into "him" yet. I have to admit, I do feel somewhat behind because of my age. And I think it would be great to experience real love, where I can feel safe to open my heart to someone and trust that they would never ever do anything to intentionally hurt me. I am tired of BS and games, and men who make me feel insecure and whom I cannot count on (which is a pattern in my life, starting with my father and stepfather and continuing up to my last relationship). I want something different; a whole new level of experience, which would be a totally new territory for me. All the men I dated so far had one thing in common: a Peter Pan syndrome. I don't want that anymore; and I don't want any more rollercoaster relationships. But I know there's not really a magic wand that could materialize me that "perfect" guy out of thin air. On second thought, wouldn't that be great...

     
    Old 03-09-2006, 07:06 PM   #15
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    Re: How did you know who's the right person for you?

    Aw, C'mon Sophia!!! Are you gonna make me say it again??
    I was 34 when I met Mr. Ruth.
    He was worth the wait even if it had been until I was 50.
    He made all the other breakups make sense - because I finally understood why they didn't work out and/or were so wrong for me.
    I met him through a mutual friend but we were NOT set up on a date. We just met naturally.
    I had given up. No hoping left, no feeling sorry for myself.
    I had finally totally ACCEPTED that I was going to be by myself and I was finally ok with that.
    Voila.

     
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