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  • Help! In love w/ a married man!

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    Old 03-19-2006, 11:03 AM   #46
    Fabat40
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nikki1963
    I'll be honest... FABAT40 - The comment you made about "but my ex is still alive... JUST KIDDING! lol" - - -

    With you saying something so INSENSITIVE - I don't give a flying **** about any advice you have to give. That was the tackiest thing I've ever heard.

    I DON'T KNOW YOU. My family and friends would NEVER say anything as hurtful to me. You think that was funny? My son's father is dead!

    Because of that comment, WHETHER YOU'RE A 'VETERAN' or not... I will ignore any 'advice' you have to give.

    About my son's father, I was making a comparison and thinking this was the only thing different between you and me!

    And the truth hurts, you're hurting another woman and their kids... that's wrong and put yourself in his wife's shoes. What goes around, comes around and I hope you'll never feel the betrayal of your spouse or another woman.

    And I don't give a rat's A$$ about you ignoring me. You're still wrong.

     
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    Old 03-19-2006, 12:04 PM   #47
    october_sky
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Honestly, I think that you are already on the right track. Not seeing him for three weeks, focusing on other things in your life(son/gardening) is exactly what you need to do, but in order for your heart to heal, I think that you need to amplify these other things in your life. You mentioned that gardening is a great passion-this is a great time of year to use that to your advantage! Creating the earth for tomatoes and green beans, and watching as crocus, snow drops, and daffodils emerge from dead soil. Its a very energizing thing, Spring. Harness that, and the pain that humans inflict upon one another will all of a sudden seem very trivial(avid gardener myself )

    It seems to me that you seem genuinely interested in ending whatever relationship you have with this man. You are not justifying your actions, you are not demonizing the wife, and you know that if this relationship continues, a lot of people will get hurt. These are important steps in moving forward. Allow yourself to grieve over this relationship, but know that in the long term of things, that it is for the best.

    From what you've said about this man, it almost seems that he is trying to move away from you too. The short e-mails, the sleepover that "fell through", the insignificant small talk in your conversations. Perhaps this is a mutual thing?

    Like I said before, you are on a good track for this, and there will be setbacks, but to keep on doing what you are doing. I wish you the best of luck.

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 12:08 PM   #48
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by october_sky
    Honestly, I think that you are already on the right track. Not seeing him for three weeks, focusing on other things in your life(son/gardening) is exactly what you need to do, but in order for your heart to heal, I think that you need to amplify these other things in your life. You mentioned that gardening is a great passion-this is a great time of year to use that to your advantage! Creating the earth for tomatoes and green beans, and watching as crocus, snow drops, and daffodils emerge from dead soil. Its a very energizing thing, Spring. Harness that, and the pain that humans inflict upon one another will all of a sudden seem very trivial(avid gardener myself )

    It seems to me that you seem genuinely interested in ending whatever relationship you have with this man. You are not justifying your actions, you are not demonizing the wife, and you know that if this relationship continues, a lot of people will get hurt. These are important steps in moving forward. Allow yourself to grieve over this relationship, but know that in the long term of things, that it is for the best.

    From what you've said about this man, it almost seems that he is trying to move away from you too. The short e-mails, the sleepover that "fell through", the insignificant small talk in your conversations. Perhaps this is a mutual thing?

    Like I said before, you are on a good track for this, and there will be setbacks, but to keep on doing what you are doing. I wish you the best of luck.
    you know this isnt entirely right- i mean the situation, not your feelings- you cant help who you fall for and i dont think you have low self esteem- you just cant help who you fall for! its how you deal with it, what you do about it that matters!...you know you should be moving away...try to do that- for your happiness and health
    yes, its bloody tough, you have strong feelings for this guy
    but trust me, with a little distance, with distracting yourself, you will eventually get over him
    itll be tough, but this is the best option
    x x x

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 01:50 PM   #49
    Nikki1963
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Thank you October & Char. Those are the reasons I'm here. I need advice on getting over it. I'm trying to feel like my old self again. This relationship seems to have sapped all of my self-esteem and energy.

    I know it was / is wrong, I've struggled with it from the time I felt I loved him. Thank you for not making me feel worse about it. I do appreciate your advice.

    BTW: Once it's time to be out in my gardens, I have little time for worry or anything else. Can't wait until May 15!!!

    Last edited by Nikki1963; 03-19-2006 at 01:51 PM.

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 01:56 PM   #50
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    thats ok hun
    just concentrate on yourself, pamper yourself, get out and try new things...meet new people...youve got to take your mind off this current situation...force yourself not to think about it if need be
    and post here whenever you feel like it...dont be put off by others posts...they ahvea right to post here but just take it with a pinch of salt if you dont like it- thats your right
    take care x x x

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 02:23 PM   #51
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Nikki
    Cheer up, girl. Look on the bright side of things. 1) You said yourself you don't have a problem gaining the interest of men. Honey, use that to your advantage while you still can! Get out there and have some FUN! 2) Getting rid of this guy is going to get rid of the guilt you feel which is making you feel ashamed of yourself. Shame is such a destructive and powerful force (Besides, it doesn't sound like he's sharing any shame, so you get to take it all on yourself? Yeah, that's fair. 3) Ending a dead end romance will open up the doors for one that could actually GO somewhere. 4) You want your autonomy back, and all it's going to cost you is this guy who will never be yours anyway, and is bringing you down. It's really a small price to pay even if it doesn't seem like it. 5) Everyone makes mistakes, and that's what this relationship is. It's a mistake. You made a mistake. Learn from it and move on. There is no need to torture yourself over it. 6) Getting rid of this guy means that you know you DESERVE better. If you were at that point, he would already be gone. Know that you DESERVE better. Believe it. Otherwise, you will cling to misery. 7) You have A LOT of freedom ahead of you to look forward to, freedom from the shame, freedom from the false hope, freedom from the fear, etc., etc.

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 02:34 PM   #52
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Nikki, you need to work on your self esteem so that you can realize that you can do better than this guy. I don't know how old your son is, but he deserves a good role model in his life. This "man" is no role model.

    Break the ties with this loser and have fun on your lunch date. Let us know how it goes!

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 02:53 PM   #53
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Nikki, the fact that you came to post here about your relationship, shows that you ARE a mature person who has just realised that you need more than what this relationship can offer you. So you really don't need a post that judges you just for being honest and open.
    For whatever reason, this man thinks that he NEEDs you, maybe for boosting his ego, or maybe because he's genuinely missing something in his marriage. You have responded as best as you can to your emotions/mind and it is obvious that you are trying to keep a balance. And you are clever enough to want out of it, as is clear from your posts.
    How you get over it is really hard. Definitely widen your social circles. Go out and be where it is possile to meet interesting people. Try to change any habits that remind you of him. For example, if you have dinner together on a Sunday, find an excuse and go out and have dinner out with your friends instead. Just break any routine that makes you think of him. And maybe you need to withdraw gradually. That's ok, it's your right, your feelings have been involved and you are only a human being. So please don't overblame yourself. I admire you for wanting to get over it. Not many people are ready to give up the convenience and excitement of having a man in their bed, and in their lives. You are doing fine. Just stay strong.

    Last edited by Nina000; 03-19-2006 at 03:02 PM.

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 02:56 PM   #54
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    so glad nina has arrived on the boards just in time to give the best advice going

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 04:52 PM   #55
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Thanks again girls. You've been helping so much.

    I've been feeling even more down than usual tonight. Kinda feel taken advantage of and embarrassed for being in this situation in the first place.

    I can't imagine how I'd be feeling if we had slept together.

    I'm never good enough for the great guy with the great job to get serious about, or marry. They just want to get 'something' from me that I'm not willing to give.

    Last edited by Nikki1963; 03-20-2006 at 08:55 PM.

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 05:21 PM   #56
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Don't say that! You are 100% good enough!!!
    You've handled yourself with total dignity here and come across as a very likeable, smart, kind, good person.

    You totally deserve a GREAT guy and I'm sure that you'll find him! You know the old saying about got to kiss some toads to find a prince! don't let it get you down and have you thinking silly things like you don't deserve a great guy - you do.

    You've just hit a crappy rough patch of toads!

    Keep your chin up!

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 05:53 PM   #57
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Thanks Amy.

    This all has happened since I was 17 (when I met my ex-husband). So it's a little hard sometimes to keep a good outlook.

    But I do enjoy the times that I'm not looking, or wanting someone.

    Thanks again though. It does give me hope.

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 05:57 PM   #58
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Nikki - I agree with Amy, you sound like a perfectly lovely lady with strong self esteem and high ideals who found herself in a situation any single woman could easily find herself in. If I may, and I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds, while I believe that you have been happy without a man, I don't know, I think being with, wanting to be with, someone of the opposite sex, having someone to hold, kiss, make love with, laugh with, share things with, I think it's just so natural to being human. Could it be that this guy had turned your head because you've closed off that part of yourself for so long and his attention awakened that part of you that's been needing attention? Do you have any girlfriends you can call to get all dolled up and go out on the town? Dance, have fun, get back into the swing of things. Even though you love to garden, it's only natural to want adult human companionship. maybe this situation isn't telling you whether to mess with a married man, maybe it's just telling you it's time to open up that part of you to the possibility of having a man in your life again, and maybe dating around might be a fun thing for you to get into the swing of things again.

    I do understand how easy it is as well. Lately, I've realized I've developed a pretty big crush on one of my bosses, who just got married last year. I know I would never act on it at all, and I know it's mainly because I don't have a man of my own, and I will never beat myself up for just having feelings like I do. He's cute, really funny, smart, sweet, we really get along. It's something that just happens. But I'm very aware that I am very lonely and I very much need a man. I'm so sick and tired of being celibate it hurts, and I'm tired of working so hard trying to find things to keep mymind off the fact that years are going by and I'm not getting what I really want out of life, the only thing that ever made me feel really alive and happy. It's only natural, so I'm glad to see you're not beating yourself up either. It's what you do with those feelings that's important, and I think you're doing just fine.

    p.s., I thought Brad and Gwenyth broke up because she met someone else, and Brad and Jennifer didn't start dating until several months after Brad and Gwenyth broke up.

    Last edited by Hiya; 03-19-2006 at 06:01 PM.

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 06:13 PM   #59
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    HIYA -

    You've said everything I've been trying to tell people for years!!!

    I think I've gone without men for so long, that the second I get one who treats me decently, I'm at their beckoning call.

    I spent so many years waiting for my ex-husband to change (prior to our marriage / after our divorce / prior to his death). He (to date) was the love of my life... but SO MESSED UP.

    Regarding going out: My friends are all 'super-moms' and do not like going out, except to lunch / dinner. Well, who do you meet when you're at a restaurant?

    Last edited by Nikki1963; 03-20-2006 at 08:56 PM.

     
    Old 03-19-2006, 06:26 PM   #60
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    Re: Help! In love w/ a married man!

    Yeah, I don't buy that either. Of course your son is going to be your first priority as he should be, but I also think part of being a good mother is making sure your needs are met so you're not this cranky, frustrated, miserable person that this kid has to have for a mother. Yeah, I don't know that much about the Jehovah's Witness church, but the Catholic church is a good one for guilt. I dated a guy who also didn't believe women with kids should be going out finding men or that kind of thing, they should be mothers first and always. Of course, he dumped me for a fresh out of court divorcee with three young kids who he met in a bar. So don't pay those "you're a mother!" people any mind.

    Well, hopefully there are some clubs or discussion groups or maybe some events groups you can join that will put you in contact with some single people. Stay strong and stay true to yourself and hang in there.

     
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