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    Old 04-02-2006, 10:44 AM   #1
    RogueFoxUK
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    The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    A little background about me first. I'm a 33 male, from the UK, who has been single for about 6 years now. Had 2 long term relationships in the past, the last one was around 7 years ago. There were a couple of love interests shortly after, but I didn't feel ready and regretably ended them after a short time. Ever since then I decided it best that I stay single until I'm sure that I'm ready for another commitment rather than risk hurting anyone I may get involved with.

    Eventually I got used to my own company, being single and living an uncomplicated life, with work and hobbies keeping me busy the majority of the time. After a few years I didn't really miss having someone in my life, though I would feel the loneliness quite often, especially at weekends. But I had became very content with how things were otherwise, and I had no real motivation to find love again. In the back of my mind though, I always had a little hope that maybe it would find me.

    Well it did..kind of.

    I met this girl, a 27 year old living in Norway, about a year ago, in a online game we used to play (the last place I expected to meet anyone!), where we hit it off immediately. We ended up doing more talking than playing, though mostly on MSN after we decided we should keep in contact outside the game.

    Apart from the game we used to play, we discovered we had so many similar interests, same values, same kind of humour..just very similar people, and we are both sensitive and open. We really did click right from the begining. But still, neither of us expected anything more at that point, and we took things slow, enjoying our new friendship..We quickly discovered how effortless it was for us to make each other laugh, smile and just feel good. Over the following months our friendship inevitably became closer, deeper..we started talking for longer, sometimes until the early hours if it was a Friday or weekend, never running out of things to say.

    After about 2 months, I couldn't help but become curious about her in a romantic sense. I already knew she was single, and had been for a few months. But I decided to ignore these feelings for a while at least, it would have been far too early and unrealistic to go there, especially since we hadn't even seen any photos of each other. She also explained to me that she suffered depression since she was a teenager, although she coped with it quite well, I wanted to be extra careful with her. I let her control the pace.

    It used to make me giggle, how often we would type the same thing at the same time, then laugh about it after..and we always seemed to sense how the other person was feeling, to an extent, even though all we could see were words. I thought this was wonderful, and so did she. At one point around this time, I decided to open up to her about my feelings, I wrote her an email explaining that I was developing a romantic interest and asked how she felt about that. She told me that she only wanted a friend right now, not because she wasn't interested..but just that she wanted to find her independence and take a break after her last relationship, which I completely understood.

    I'm going to skip ahead many months now. But basically over the following months, we became very, very close. At this point we would speak on the phone occasionally (her idea), but mostly online still. We would often communicate on a deep level, discussing our hopes and dreams, and shared things we never even told other people. We both felt that this was a special friendship, we felt like soulmates, and made a pact that we would never lose contact with each other, no matter what happens. Oh, and we finally swapped photos. My 'romantic' feelings were still there, growing stronger, but I kept them to myself. I feared another rejection should I let them be known again.

    In October last year she visited the UK with her dad (he has friends here), and she was very keen for us to meet in person. So we did, and it was very nice, but we had very little time together..we both barely got over the nervous feelings before we had to part again.

    Over Nov/Dec last year her conversations with me began to involve talk about her needs for romance in her life, she was begining to feel quite lonely and unwanted, as did I. In fact my own feelings of loneliness and need for someone had become very strong over this time. Although she seemed reluctant to speak about 'us' and the possibilities, she would often drop hints like 'I wish I could find a guy as good as you..' or 'Sometimes I imagine I lived there with you in England, and we were in a relationship.' and 'Maybe we will end up together in the future, married etc'. She would also very often mention about spending time together, another holiday but to spend that time soley with each other.

    Obviously around this time I felt that the risk of getting rejected again was negligable, so I took that risk. I decided to be completely open about my feelings, I told her that I think about her all the time, that I think I may be falling in love with her..but that I can't be sure because our situation, I had to be sensible about it all. She basically told me the same, she has romantic feelings also, and she thinks about me very much.

    So we discussed what to do, we agreed that either way we need to start spending time together. Both of us were very concerned about the risks, and the complications. At one point we even dropped the whole idea based purely on our deep respect for each other, we were both scared of screwing things up..and this was a huge step. But we finally settled on trying, rather than maybe finding 2-3 years down the line we are still wondering about it all..and as she said to me once, it already feels like we are in a relationship together..we are just missing everything physical.

    I had to really dig deep into myself around this time. I cared for her a great deal, and respected her more than I've respected anyone. I had to be completely sure of myself that I could do the right thing by her. I had to think forward and ask myself if I could spend the rest of my life with this person if things went ok, I had to be sure I could commit completely, and sacrifice what I have here to live and work in Norway. These were not easy decisions..The last thing I would want is to mess her around, so I asked myself these serious questions..the answer was, I would do it all. I was prepared and determined. If she wanted commitment, she would get it.

    Over the xmas holiday we talked an incredible amount, over 2 days that I remember well, we actually racked up about 30 hours on the phone (***** I mean, otherwise I would be bankrupt by now)..we really couldn't get enough of speaking to each other. We talked about a holiday, and I decided to book a 5 day holiday to Norway in Feburary. I said that I would book a hotel or b&b, but she insisted I stay with her. So everything was arranged.

    February came, I don't think I've ever been so excited in my life..it was scary, but so exciting. I went there with the mind of not expecting too much too soon, the idea was for us both to just enjoy each others company and not to take everything too seriously straight away, but we both agreed also there should be no 'line' we can't cross IF things go that way.

    Well things went well for the first 3 days, we really did enjoy each others company. We talked a lot, went out visiting various places together..did a lot of walking. A couple of evenings we would just got out for a walk in the snow, she would show me around, and we would just talk and laugh. Everything seemed to go just fine, we treated each other as friends only, which was fun and neither of us felt the need to rush anything. But I felt something strange while we were together, I can't quite explain it..but it was like an invisible barrier between us, preventing us from touching..I've never experienced that before, but I assumed it was just that we were both a little nervous still and so didn't pay much attention to it. There was something else too, when we were talking to each other in her flat, I got bad vibes from her.. she would rarely hold eye contact for long and would often look downwards. I'm no expert on body language, but this bothered me. She wasn't like this when we met before. Needless to say I had some concerns about her feelings toward me..

    Well on the morning of the 3rd day she verified my concerns. She sat down and asked me if I was ok, I said I was..but she knew something was bothering me, I knew what was coming..and I so didn't want to hear it.

    She told me that she owes me an apology, she just wants to be friends after all and that she is sorry for messing me around. I was devastated. I was in love with this girl, completely..I only needed this time with her to confirm that, for both of us. But for her the opposite seemed to happen, it confirmed that she didn' have those feelings after all. I tried to hide how crushed I was at the time, actually that wasn't so hard..for the next 2 days I was in a daze anyway. I felt very numb, but I did my best to act ok. Though she knew I was hurting.

    Her reasons? She told me various reasons for her rejection. She explained that she still had feelings for her ex boyfriend, and that she feels that has affected/prevented her feelings for me. But that she wasn't planning on getting back with him. Also she is taller than me..not by a great deal, but she prefers guys taller than her. To be honest though, I feel that is a lame excuse..and we had already met previously.

    Well the next 2 days were kind of foggy, I can't even remember finding may around the airport..but somehow I managed it. I expect she was glad I was finally gone, I was feeling pretty low the last day..add to that the fact that I hadn't slept for 2 days straight.

     
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    Old 04-02-2006, 10:45 AM   #2
    RogueFoxUK
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    The aftermath.

    Well my first day back home, after sleeping for around 14 hours, was terrible. I experienced an incredible pain. I've never loved anyone so passionately, so deeply and in such a pure, almost spiritual way. I've also never been involved with a girl in all my life that I could honestly say I could spend the rest of my life with. We fit together so perfectly, in all the most important ways. But, oh well..time to move on.

    So that was about 2 months ago, I do feel a bit better now, but it's been an extremely difficult time. I've tried my best to push what happened to the back of my mind now, and concentrate on preserving our friendship.

    Well, our friendship is the current problem. After the rejection, things were up and down..I asked her to give me some space, ie not to phone or anything for a while. A couple of weeks later, I decided to try and clear the air with her over what happened..but it just turned into an argument, I was angry and hurt, and all the pain just came flooding out. So for a couple more weeks we barely talked, even though I left her an email the following day following the argument, to apologise. She told me that she didn't deserve the apology.

    Well today things aren't much better, a couple of weeks ago we had a nice chat and things seemed to be getting back to normal, but then she would ask to speak to me the next day. She would ask to meet me online, that she would come on straight after work..but she wouldn't appear, even though at the time she seemed really keen and told me she really wanted to start talking to me regularly again. A few days later I texted her phone, but she ignored it..actually she explained a couple of days after, that her phone was switched off, so she got the messages a couple of days late..which is strange considering I always get 'message undelivered' warning if I send a text to a switched off mobile phone..hmm.

    Ever since then, I've been trying my best to keep our friendship intact, but she doesn't seem to want to meet me half way in this..and things have just gotten weird. The last time we spoke now was a week ago, when she told me something I really didn't want to hear.

    It was last Sunday, after both of us had been out on the weekend..not together of course. But anyway, Sunday she asked me how my Saturday night went, I told her I was out with some friends and that we had a good night etc. She tells me that she had a crazy Friday night out, she went out with 2 guys from her work, that she got very drunk..and didn't back home until 1pm the following day. She told me she stayed with these guys at their place. I was little shocked by this, not what happened that evening..but just the fact that she actually told me this, knowing full well how I feel about her. Although she kind of suggested it was innocent, and that she only stayed with them to save money on taxi faire, this really hurt to hear about. It felt to me as if she told me intentionally to provoke a reaction and make me jealous..She could tell something was wrong after she told me that, but she had to ask 'Did I say something wrong?'..anyway, I let that slide. But explained to her my concerns about our friendship, that ignoring my texts, avoiding me online etc isn't really helping our delicate friendship. I tell her that I no longer feel important to her, but she disagrees..and she tells me I'm very important to her, and that I've been nothing but an inspiration and positive part of her life. She did explain that night that she has been trying to get out a lot more often, she's been making friends with people at work and socialising more. She feels crap and lonely in her flat alone, and tries to get away as much as possible. She asked to speak to me again the following day, so I said I would meet her online..yet again, she never appeared.

    Well that was a week ago, I've had no word from her since.

    It felt bad enough with the rejection etc, but I've managed to seperate my feelings now, and feel that we really could continue to enjoy our friendship again if only she would stop avoiding me so much, it just seems like she is happy to let things drift like this indeffinately. I have to contact her by phone/text or through her sister just to get to talk to her. But I'm no longer doing that, because I feel like I'm chasing her.

    I really don't know what to do now. I'm starting to questions wether it is even worth it anymore, I miss her very much..but the way she has been treating me recently makes me wonder. I still love her too, but that has gotten much easier now..I'm more worried about our friendship and how it just seems to be slipping away, nothing I do seems to prevent that anymore and it makes me very sad to experience losing such a close friend.

    For now I'm just letting things go, and just let her contact me when she feels like it. But I don't know if that's the right thing to do..

    I'm sorry that this was so long, but I felt it was important to cover what we built, the closeness of our friendship.

     
    Old 04-02-2006, 11:23 AM   #3
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    Hello there RF

    Sorry that you are feeling bad. From what I read, I pretty much think that your relationship with this girl has been intense simply because you have an emotional gap in your life, set your expectations high and have invested 100% with her.

    No she is not treating you right and she didn't need to wait till you flew to Norway in order for her to reveal her still-in-love-with-ex crap. It's simply unfair on you. I am also sorry to say that from what I read she seems to keep you under her control, no more no less. Of course she would be flattered to have a nice devoted guy like you whom she gives nothing in return!!!! Who doesn't like attention? It was really rude of her to hurt your feelings and tell you about her wild adventures while she knew how you felt.

    I would cut it short with her until she decides to treat you the way you deserve to be treated: with respect. Ask her to get her head clear about what she wants from you and not to expect you to stay around just to listen to her hurtful talk. Don't waste more time RF, life is short and full of lovely women who would treasure your friendship and love. You need a FULFILLING relationship on all levels.

    Start playing online games with other females or simply go out and meet people in person.

    Best of luck

    Last edited by Nina000; 04-02-2006 at 11:57 AM.

     
    Old 04-02-2006, 11:50 AM   #4
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    I agree with Nina. At this point, you're wasting your time, RF. YOu like this girl a lot more than just a friend, but she doesn't reciprocate these feelings. To me, it seems like there was not enough physical chemistry for her. I think online, long-distance interaction is so different from in-person interaction and people can even develop whole "fantasy-relationships" without meeting face to face, but when they finally do, they might find that there's something missing. She probably wanted you to visit her in Norway again just to see how she really feels, since meeting someone one time briefly is not really enough to form a definite opinion, and obviously she did like you a lot as a person. So that line about being in love with ex or liking taller guys is just something she had to say to explain her lack of interest in pursuing a relationship with you. I think it's more about a lack of physical attraction; or not enough physical attraction (and that's not to say you're not an attractive guy! it's just that attraction is an extremely subjective thing). I know it's hard, but I don't see this leading to anything that would be satisfying to you, and she seems to be limiting contact also, probably because of the same realization. I really think you should try and meet someone in person; someone with whom you can develop your relationship through in person interaction with each other--it's a lot more realistic that way and has a higher chance of success.

     
    Old 04-02-2006, 12:03 PM   #5
    RogueFoxUK
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    Nina, thanks for your reply. You really hit the nail on the head, and it's good to hear this from someone else, since it's kinda hard to trust my own feelings while I'm still in love with her.

    You're right about her being in control, this is partly my fault..I allowed her to have this control, out of respect. I was as patient and understanding as possible, and nothing but kind and selfless. She acknowledged this many times in the past. I guess that's another reason why this has got me feeling so low, as the way she has been treating me lately feels like a slap in the face..with no consideration to my feelings at all.

    I already decided to cut off contact with her for the time being, although I don't like to do that, it seems futile to continue to try and hold this friendship together by myself.

    The only real positive thing (I think) that I can take away from this, is knowing what I'm capable of now, and finally realising that I'm more than ready for something serious. On the other hand, a part of me wants to let time slip by, until I become content with myself again..as before. I'm not really sure about that, my mind and heart are in a bit of a mess at the moment!

     
    Old 04-02-2006, 12:12 PM   #6
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    Thanks Sophia, I agree with you about meeting someone in person..I mean I've always done it that way in the past.

    But there was something special about building a relationship this way, the fact that there was never a physical goal, specifically sex was never a drive in my mind. This lead to what I feel, a love based on all the very best things, so pure and selfless. It's something I haven't really experienced before, and I only hope I can find it again. Certainly the online restrictions helped, since physical contact was impossible..and I never even discovered what she actually looked like until 6-7 months after we first met. By then my feelings toward her were already very strong.

     
    Old 04-02-2006, 02:57 PM   #7
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    I agree with Nina. At this point, you're wasting your time, RF. YOu like this girl a lot more than just a friend, but she doesn't reciprocate these feelings. To me, it seems like there was not enough physical chemistry for her. I think online, long-distance interaction is so different from in-person interaction and people can even develop whole "fantasy-relationships" without meeting face to face, but when they finally do, they might find that there's something missing. She probably wanted you to visit her in Norway again just to see how she really feels, since meeting someone one time briefly is not really enough to form a definite opinion, and obviously she did like you a lot as a person. So that line about being in love with ex or liking taller guys is just something she had to say to explain her lack of interest in pursuing a relationship with you. I think it's more about a lack of physical attraction; or not enough physical attraction (and that's not to say you're not an attractive guy! it's just that attraction is an extremely subjective thing). I know it's hard, but I don't see this leading to anything that would be satisfying to you, and she seems to be limiting contact also, probably because of the same realization. I really think you should try and meet someone in person; someone with whom you can develop your relationship through in person interaction with each other--it's a lot more realistic that way and has a higher chance of success.
    I agree with you totally. You have to know when to move on.

     
    Old 04-02-2006, 03:30 PM   #8
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by RogueFoxUK
    Thanks Sophia, I agree with you about meeting someone in person..I mean I've always done it that way in the past.

    But there was something special about building a relationship this way, the fact that there was never a physical goal, specifically sex was never a drive in my mind. This lead to what I feel, a love based on all the very best things, so pure and selfless. It's something I haven't really experienced before, and I only hope I can find it again. Certainly the online restrictions helped, since physical contact was impossible..and I never even discovered what she actually looked like until 6-7 months after we first met. By then my feelings toward her were already very strong.
    Wow, I'm amazed you lasted 6-7 months without at least exchanging photos! I once started a correspondance with a guy in a similar way (although he only lived in a different state not a different country), and found myself liking him a lot through the email exchange and talking over IM. However, after about three weeks I did ask him for a photo. He was wishy washy about it, but finally sent me a couple (it took him a long time, so right there I should have known something was amiss), and, sadly, he looked nothing like I was imagining he did. He looked kinda scary, to be honest. And MUCH older than me, even though he was supposedly only 7 years older than me (still hard for me to believe). So, really, it's very tough to determine from just talking to someone online, no matter how wonderful your conversations are, if it has a chance of working out in real life, you know.

     
    Old 04-02-2006, 03:35 PM   #9
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    The thing Sophia is that she met him in her trip to England, and after meeting him personally she was still having these romantic conversations and encouraging him to spend 5 days in her flat in Norway. So I am not really sure if it is to do with the physical attraction in this case.I suppose she met him before this change.

    Last edited by Nina000; 04-03-2006 at 09:57 AM.

     
    Old 04-02-2006, 05:21 PM   #10
    RogueFoxUK
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nina000
    The thing Sophia is that she met him in her trip to England, and after meeting him personally she was still having these romantic conversations and encouraging her to spend 5 days in her flat in Norway. So I am not really sure if it is to do with the physical attraction in this case.I suppose she met him before this change.
    Exactly Nina. This is why it was such a shock, and so devastating to me..She also told me while I was there in Norway, that there's nothing wrong with the way I look..although the height difference was a bit of an issue she admitted, I'm 5ft 7, I think she is around 5ft 10.

    We both explained our worries to each other around xmas time, that one or both of us may not be attracted physically. But as you say, yes we had already met once.. and we had reassured each other that it's nothing to worry about.

    I don't know, ever since it happened I've felt that there was a lot more to it than the excuses she gave me, something she didn't want to share. It is possible that the brief meeting with her ex boyfriend around January had a lot to do with it, and that maybe she was planning on getting back with him. It would also explain why she was so hurt after finding out he had a girlfriend.

    Another thing just came to mind actually, something she told me after all this..She told me that she had actually hoped that I wouldn't feel the same once I stayed with her in Norway, in otherwords, she had already changed her mind..So at least I know it had nothing to do with my actual stay with her.

     
    Old 04-02-2006, 05:54 PM   #11
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Wow, I'm amazed you lasted 6-7 months without at least exchanging photos!
    Well you have to understand, by this time she still only viewed me as a friend and nothing more, she didn't need to know what I looked like. As for me, well yeah of course I was very curious, but I was very patient and it wasn't until she told me she was visiting England, and suggested meeting, that I decided it about time we found out what each other looks like

    I spoke to her sister after all this, tried to get some insight into what was really the problem..but she didn't seem to understand it either, she was actually quite upset about it too.

    But she did tell me this..

    Her sister: 'she looked at me with teary eyes...and said :"I just wish I could fall as deeply in love with him as he has with me, because I know he would make my dreams come true...but I cant make my heart do things".

    That really got the tears flowing that day

     
    Old 04-02-2006, 06:25 PM   #12
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by RogueFoxUK
    Her sister: 'she looked at me with teary eyes...and said :"I just wish I could fall as deeply in love with him as he has with me, because I know he would make my dreams come true...but I cant make my heart do things".

    That really got the tears flowing that day
    Oh, I'm so sorry, RF--that's always something very difficult and painful to hear. I guess you have no choice but to accept that it wasn't meant to be with this girl and that the girl for you must still be out there somewhere. I hope you find her soon.

     
    Old 04-03-2006, 09:08 AM   #13
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    Thanks Sophia

    I hope so too. I have accepted it all now, I was in denial for a long time following..it all just seemed so unreal, and I was very angry at myself for becoming so attached. But, oh well..

    I still feel very sad that our friendship suffered so badly because of this. Did I waste a whole year getting to know this person for nothing? She always would tell me how important our friendship was to her, but now..I just don't know.

     
    Old 04-03-2006, 01:32 PM   #14
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by RogueFoxUK
    Thanks Sophia

    I still feel very sad that our friendship suffered so badly because of this. Did I waste a whole year getting to know this person for nothing?
    I don't think that you have wasted your time, you have learnt from you your relationship and you have had nice times too. Try not to dwell on the negative and look at it as an experience that, if nothing else, got you to see Norway I hope that you find someone who makes you happy as much as you make her

     
    Old 04-03-2006, 06:22 PM   #15
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    Re: The rejection, the aftermath and what to do now? (Long story, sorry)

    I've been wondering though, what I should I do when she eventually contacts me. I haven't heard from her for over a week now, but that's not unusual anymore..The thing is I expect she will text me before long, and ask for a chat online.

    I still feel very annoyed and frustrated that she would let things just drift like this, without keeping in regular contact anymore.

    Anyway..I feel I have 3 choices.

    1) I can agree to talk to her and just try and get along, without mentioning how crap I think she's been treating me recently. If I do this though, I guess she will assume treating me the way she has been is perfectly ok.

    2) I can agree to talk and tell her just how wrong and inconsiderate I feel she's been to me. Though this will lead to her getting all defensive, and then avoiding me for the next 2 weeks again I expect.

    3) I can just not reply. The only thing about this that worries me is that somewhere down the line she may accuse me of abandoning her. Although, she is pretty much abandoning our friendship right now it seems.

    Seems I can't really win either way..I want to go with option 2, and probably will. This will end up stirring bad feelings in her again, and she will avoid me..I know that for a fact. In turn this will get me feeling bad. But she is the kind of person that will walk away from a problem like this rather than confront.

    I'm still not even sure exactly what I would want to say to her. Sometimes I feel like sending her a long email explaining how I feel, but I care about her feelings..and I know that whatever I say would make her upset.

     
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