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problems with father

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Old 04-10-2006, 02:32 PM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,402
charlatans HB User
problems with father

ive never gotten along great with my dad...he has been the best father possible- everyone respects him- he buys me anything i want, he loves me beyond belief
just sometimes we dont get along well...
he is very, very strict...he has eased up recently though
he use to have an anger problem and still has a loose temper but that has improved slightly
i cant talk to him about most things, i have to, he doesnt know i drink, go to bars etc he doesnt knw i dont believe in god otherwise i think he would disown me completly
he is very intense...any conversation i start with him, he gets serious andlectures- it all gets too much sometimes i cant breath
i am a good daughter, even my cousins say to him how lucky he is to have sucha good daughter like me but he says "well ive been sucha good, perfect father"
he asked to go running with me today and i replied no which annoyed him because apparently he would never have said no to his dad
he tried to help me with the breakup of my ex whihc he had only found out about a month ago...hes never allowed me to have boyfriends- he seems to be ok with it now that i am 21
i left home when i was 17 to be with my boyfriend because i couldnt take life at home anymore...i went counselling
when i was 13 i self harmed becaue i didnt like how strict my dad was- hes never physically hurt me...he juse use to be so strict, so intense...i went cousnelling...

recently, only recently, have i been able to go out without asking for his permission- my god how i use to cry and feel miserable...
the snowboarding trip i went on, i had to ask i mum asked instead...he said yeah
all the trips, all the outings ive ever been on, ive had to ask for his permission, and he would always be intense, ask questions and think about it....puts me off

i never feel appreciated by him
sometimes i think maybe i am just crap...i think i am
i want my own space...i want space to breath

mum doesnt help
sisters dont help
rest of family i cant talk to

right now....i want to move out...but he would never ever let me....but i feel as tho my life would be so great if i did...
i really believe this

i cant talk to him....that is out of the question completly!!!!!
i want to move out but thatd mean losing my family for sure...he wouldnt accept it, because id have to mve out without telling him about it, without his premission and so therefore not talking to family

ive been miserable for so long at home, i seriously cant remember being happy at home
dont you think its time i left?

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Old 04-10-2006, 05:39 PM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Atlanta, Ga. USA
Posts: 318
tigerlillyrose HB User
Re: problems with father

Aw Sweetie,
No one has a perfect family life, Ok? NO ONE. First of all, don't feel bad about what your are feeling, what you feel is what you feel. Second of all, you have to understand, yes, your father has the best intentions, but as they say, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". That is not to mean that your father is a bad man, but as humans, our intentions can be as pure as the driven snow, but it does not mean the outcome is going to be any less than disasterous at times. Believe me, I've paved PLENTY of roads...
I feel your pain, but let me tell you this, I lost my Dad at 22. He killed himself. All his "good intentions", whether they were perfect or not, fell on deaf ears. I'm 38 years old now. I'll NEVER get over the pain of my father's death, ever. What I'm saying to you is I would give ANYTHING, I would sacrifice ANY time with anyone just to have one HOUR with my father. I will NEVER have that, ever. The people in your life aren't perfect, and they can drive you crazy, but there is no guarantee they won't be taken from you, no matter how they go. You have NO control over that. You do have some control over your relationship with your dad. Take the one you've got. It's better than nothing, even if you have to hide things from him. Try to enjoy the time you have with him as much as you can. And when you can't? Tell him "I love you" and walk away because at least then, you will know the last thing you ever said to him was that you loved him.
Once people are gone from your life, they are gone, and you don't ever even think about it until you hear the news, but let me tell you, nothing prepares you for a life of guilt, regret and sorrow. Nothing. I'd give my life to see my Dad again. I really would. I don't even have that choice.

Old 04-11-2006, 02:58 PM   #3
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The UK
Posts: 1,314
Nina000 HB User
Re: problems with father

Hi Char

Don't know what to say, but I sense that you are from a different cultural origin? Eastern?
Your dad might be only concerned about your well-being and being over-protective. There will come a time when he accepts that you have grown up enough to make the right decisions. Don't take it to heart and try to create peace between you and him. I know that you want to be independent and that's a fantastic feeling. However, the security of having a family is not replaceable. I am thousands of miles away from my dad and family, and I do miss them terribly, even when I am enjoying my independence.

I also thought that you have a job? Won't that make you self-sufficient to some extent?
It is the clash of generations I guess.

Did you see your ex?

Old 04-12-2006, 08:21 AM   #4
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: California, CA, USA
Posts: 1,115
Destea HB User
Re: problems with father

I'm not sure what to say other than... you are 21 years old. You are officially an adult, and have been for a few years. It's up to you how you decide to address your adulthood. Only you can shape your future, and relying on either getting permission to be an adult (which you do not need), or losing your family shouldn't be your only options. Until you stand up for yourself and make it clear that you are capable of BEING an adult, your father will most likely treat you like you are not.

You do not need permission to move out, you do not need permission to be self-sufficient, you do not need permission to do ANYTHING at 21 years of age. You can be courteous and let people KNOW what you are doing, but you can make a very clear distinction between the two.

TELL him you are moving out and you hope that he supports you in your choices. Do not *ask* him if you can move out, that's simply not his call. You in some ways allow your father to treat you this way by never addressing the seriousness of his responses and how it effects you. He may not even know. And if he does, he is not the good father you paint him to be. Love and support of your child is above all else, disrespecting them and intentionally hurting them does not fall under a healthy relationship. Mentally he seems to be reaking havoc on you. You shouldn't fear your father, and being unconfrontational will ensure that nothing about this relationship will ever change. That's your choice, in which case... you would be choosing to be miserable instead of trying to find a better way to work on this relationship I know it's tough, but you ARE an adult... and sometimes adults need to confront in a kind way to ensure a happy, healthy adult relationship with their parents.

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