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  • Ex-boyfriend still in my head, and I want him out!

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    Old 04-29-2006, 01:02 AM   #1
    plasva's Avatar
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    Ex-boyfriend still in my head, and I want him out!

    I am in my late 20's. It's been a year-and-a-half since my ex left, following a 4-year live-in relationship that I'd hoped would lead to marriage.

    The main reason he left is he met a girl at work, started a relationship, slept with her at least once (homewrecker!), and decided he'd rather be with her than commit to working out our problems. He would say how he loved me, that we were so lucky we'd found each other, etc., and the next thing I know, he's moving out, and nothing I could say was going to change his mind! But he gave me false hope for a few months and hurt me very very deeply. It took everything I had to try to forgive him and move on. (I ended up so severely depressed I could barely function and could not stop crying for months, but eventually found balance again.)

    For awhile, I thought I'd forgiven him, although I no longer wanted him in my life in any way. (Well, I wanted back the years and dreams I'd lost but knew that was impossible.)

    I've been seeing someone new for almost a year now and do love my new boyfriend.

    However, I have 2 problems.

    1) Ever since my ex emailled me a month ago regarding sending back a few of my belongings, I realize the anger is still significant. It's like much of the initial anger came back and won't go away again. I just keep thinking I wish I'd never met him.
    I've long since thrown out every love letter, photo, etc. The only thing I still have from him is some jewelry. (I'm planning to give to relatives when I get around to it.) I just don't know how to make this anger go away.

    2) Although I love my new boyfriend, I don't feel the same would-walk-to-the-ends-of-the-earth emotional connection with him. I think this is because my ex was much more emotional (not afraid to cry, etc.) while my new boyfriend rarely expresses emotions (partly due to cultural reasons, as he was born in a country where people are rarely outwardly emotional.) I also realize it took 4 years and him moving out for me to feel so strongly about my ex, but I miss the emotional openness we shared. My new bf has many positive qualities my ex didn't have, but emotional openness is very important to me. I feel like without that emotional openness, I can't be as commited as I was to my ex.

    So I guess I need advice from anyone who has lost a love, been absolutely devasted over it, yet was able to eventually get 100% over the loss and love someone else **without, in any way, comparing the feelings for your new love to the feelings you had for your ex** I've thought I was 100% over the break-up, but then anger comes back. So how do you know when you've permanently moved-on?

    I really want things to work out with my new boyfriend, but this lingering anger and thoughts of my ex aren't fair to him, and hold me back from getting completely emotionally attached again.

    I would not take my ex back even if he won 100 million dollars in the lottery and showed up on my doorstep begging, yet I still think of him every day (mostly with anger.)

    How do I get him out of my head for good?

    I especially need advice besides "wait longer," because it's been a year-and-a-half, and I want to be intimate with my new bf without thoughts of my ex poisoning my mind.

    Thanks to all who have read this or respond with advice on any of this...

    Last edited by plasva; 04-29-2006 at 01:14 AM.

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    Old 04-29-2006, 04:31 AM   #2
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    Re: Ex-boyfriend still in my head, and I want him out!

    Sorry to hear you are still hurting from your ex .
    You seem very anxious to change things. Breaking up is like a bereavement, a great loss that you have to process and learn to come to terms with, rather than erase from your memory.
    Sometimes the feelings you thought you had got over will come back if you are vulnerable. Sounds like his email has triggered this.
    I think you need to set some time aside to work on this problem.
    Try getting your anger out on paper, write down everything you want to say to your ex, all your feelings in a diary. Some people like to do something physical, like exercise, punching a pillow, shouting etc.
    You may find this helps you through this present low period if you continue to do it when your feelings are strong. It will help them to fade.
    You will get your balance back again by being kind and patient to yourself. You can't make anger go by trying to will it away, unfortunately, it only comes back to haunt you the more you try.
    It's normal to compare your Bf with your ex. I think you will stop doing this, in time, if his positive qualities outway his negative ones. A person can learn to be more emotionally open and sometimes relationship counselling can help.
    I do hope you will soon feel better. Take very good care of yourself.

    Old 04-29-2006, 05:21 AM   #3
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    Re: Ex-boyfriend still in my head, and I want him out!

    After a YEAR and a half he is contacting you to give back more of your stuff? I would tell him to F off and block him from your email. He has NO business contacting you now. I don't buy into all of this "forgiveness" stuff that society puts in our laps. Yes, I think it's important NOT to seeth every day because chances are the offender is having a fantastic day somewhere off in their little world. They don't know and/or don't care that you are hurt---so there's nothing to be gained from being in a funk. But forgiveness? I don't believe child molesters should be forgiven. That might be a jump in this case...but what I'm trying to say is, some behavior shouldn't be forgiven and you shouldn't put pressure on yourself to forgive something that deeply hurt you. The best you can hope for is to get to a place where your anger is not taking away from your own life. The fact that you don't feel close to your new boyfried may have absolutely NOTHING to do with your ex.....your new BF may just not be right for you either.

    Last edited by vintagegirl; 04-29-2006 at 05:22 AM.

    Old 04-29-2006, 05:53 AM   #4
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    Re: Ex-boyfriend still in my head, and I want him out!

    I agree with VG, your new boyfriend might not be the one, don't settle for anything less than emotionally fulfuling. Are you sure that you love him enough? Your post is quite interesting as I always thought that a new "love" would definitely wipe away the old one. I am going through the same shock and pain of emotional manipulation by my live-in bf of 4 years. He wanted to be honest and confessed (them later denied) that he's been chatting someone up and flirting with her for months. He's also said how lucky he is to have met me etc etc..but I know we are going to break up..So I can't really give you great advice but I wish you luck.

    Old 04-29-2006, 06:59 AM   #5
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    Re: Ex-boyfriend still in my head, and I want him out!

    I would be willing to bet that things are not going so well with your boyfriend and his latest girlfriend. He's putting out tentacles to see if he can reel you back in as a back up in case things don't work out with her.

    I had a "fireworks & chemistry" love that started when I wa 20. We were on again off again for years. Then, while I was seeing him again I met my husband.
    I was married within the year and love my husband totally.
    But I will tell you honestly that I still love the first guy. The thing is, there is no law against feelings - it is acting on them that is the problem.
    I would never ever never consider contacting him. Any feelings I have for him to not detract from those I have for my husband.

    Also, resentment and inability to forgive is corrosive. It is being bitter instead of being better. Forgiveness isn't saying that what someone did to you is ok, it is letting go the acid feelings attached to the event. While you seeth and feel horrible the person who hurt you is going on their merry way.
    Why let them have that over you???

    We women tend to think that every man we meet is "the one" and we try & try to work it out. But to be honest, IF we were honest we would only be with someone long enough to know if we love them in a way that is for a lifetime and accept them as they are. Knowing that if its great when we meet them there will also be some really bad times we'll have to get through. If we settle for not really being in love with them or with bad behavior we're facing even worse times....

    All I can tell you is, Don't Settle.
    Whatever you do, Do Not Sette.

    Last edited by BetsyJean; 04-29-2006 at 07:00 AM.

    Old 04-29-2006, 09:48 AM   #6
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    Re: Ex-boyfriend still in my head, and I want him out!

    Hi plasmodiumovale,
    I am 6 months out of my 2-year relationship. Actually, my relationship ended a LOT like yours except it was half as long and we didn't live together. We talked of marriage all the time, and I actually sort of regarded him as my fiancee. I know that sounds silly, but I did. I just knew it would happen with the way we were talking, and I just thought we were perfect. He was even talking about where to look at rings, we had the kids names picked out, the whole deal.
    Well, he left me for another girl too, although he will lie about it to everyone to this day, including himself. I even think he may have cheated on me (if not physically, definitely emotionally). He says it happened 'afterwards', but please, I saw the signs. He dragged me around for a month too, not even telling me it was really over. He pretty much woke up one day and started acting differently toward me (not wanting to see me much and getting angry/hostile and everything was my fault). He was a new student in dental school (moved here for me, we had been long distance before) so I made a lot of excuses for him, but one of the girls in his program who lived downstairs who was one of his new 'friends', I guess he just felt it was more convenient and easy to date her in his building than it was to travel across Manhattan to see the one he wanted to marry. Go figure.
    As you can see, Im still angry too. I haven't dated anyone yet seriously, its just been 5-6 months. I think what you are feeling is very normal, but unfortunate. I, too, like you, feel anger all the time, constantly, and although I can look at his/our pictures without crying or wanting to kill him, I get anxiety walking around the city because Im afraid I will run into him (or him and her) and will do something psychotic like punch him. I, too, want these feelings to just go away because Im tired of them. They just dont too easily.
    I agree with the others that maybe this new boyfriend isn't right for you. I agree not to settle, as hard as it is, because you want to feel loved again and make that connection. I dont know if I'll ever find anyone that I connected with as well as with my ex (scary isnt it?), but Ive learned these past 6 months that there were a lot of things wrong with him that I was too in love to see. However, I dont know if I'll ever find anyone with his positives. Too bad he ruined all those positives when he did what he did to me! Im glad you say that you wouldnt take him back in a million years...I feel the same way. Yet I agree when you say you want to go back to how it was.
    I dont know what I can suggest to you...I think if my ex emailed me now out of the blue I would relapse too, and he might any day now because he still has my things (he refused to travel to give them back to me!). I suggest to everyone going through devastating breakups like mine to make a major life change- move, start a new job, something to really put the focus on yourself and give yourself some new opportunities. I know its been a year and a half and you say that you reached balance...I too feel that way but every now and then I still relapse with anger when I think of him (and I do everyday).
    Maybe see a therapist? I still see one to work with all of the residual ******, and while I cant say it helps with the anger too much, it does allow yourself to just get it all out and sort out your thoughts. You can also see through counseling how some of your anger is really just irrational, and it helps to clear it out.
    It is a process of getting over someone. You were with him 4 years, you thought it would be a lifetime. I can totally understand how you want him out of your head- I get so frustrated every day over it too. Its just that he most likely will e in there (in some form) until you meet someone that is him and so much more. Thats my guess anyway. Look at betsy jeans story- thats inspiring!
    I can't tell you how much I can relate and I feel your pain. There are so many things I question and fear and I feel so much resentment that my life got so changed and he just moved right on and doesnt look back. Hang in there, I really do understand.

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