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    Old 05-03-2006, 01:13 PM   #1
    minnesotagirl
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    Jealousy at the strip club

    Background: Im 27 and my BF just turned 25 yesterday. Weve been together for 4 years and were very much in love.

    I have some self esteem issues Im very attractive, I get hit on a lot, but I still dont always think so. This goes way back to my childhood. I also have body issues, Im about 20 pounds overweight, so Im not huge or anything and my BF tells me he loves me the way I am, but still want that perfect body.

    Ive always had issues with my man watching strippers. It started with my ex I wouldnt let him go to a bachelor party once. Other than that, never had any situations where my jealousy affected me until I met my BF.

    My BF and one of his friends go to the strip club twice a year. Once on my BFs bday and once on his friends. At this club, the bday boy gets free admission, a free t-shirt and they get to go on stage to sit in a chair while the strippers take turns giving him a mini-lap dance with both their tops and bottoms on.

    Now, the first year we were together on his bday, we had only been dating a few weeks, so the strip club tradition didnt bother me. But the next year, I was full-blown in love with him, and I insisted on going to the club on his bday to see exactly what happens in this bday dance.

    I went and watched, and the dance did make me uncomfortable. Some girls would put their bare breasts in his face, actually touching him these things bothered me. I told him and he just said it was a man thing which I totally get. I know that most men think about sex 24/7 Im not nave to this at all. So I got over it, and the next year I went, and I had less problems with it I actually found humor in it.

    As long as my BF didnt actually have a private lap dance, I was fine with it.

    Then this year, last night actually, my BFs friend does buy him a $20 lap dance. I was livid. I told him not to do it. But he did it anyway. I followed him and the stripper to the back row of couches and stood where I could see. I had to watch her touch him and adjust his pants so they were tighter in that area so he could feel some sensation when she rubbed on him.

    The stripper noticed me and signaled for me to come back and sit on the couch next to them. I did. I then got to watch her take off her top, act like my BF was her man, rub all over him, basically having sex with him with their clothes on. She kept her bottoms on. I was on the verge of tears. I was shaking all over I was so mad. I hated it. She actually saw this and stopped to see if I was OK. She explained its just a dance. He did look at me a few times and smiled at me. But otherwise he was staring right at her the whole time. That eye contact connection just gets to me! I hated it! I know I made her uncomfortable too. I know she was more tame because I was there.

    I know that he got an erection from it, which also bothers me.
    I cant get the image out of her and him out of my head. I feel like he cheated on me. I know that men get lap dances all the time and that its not cheating, but I cant help but feel that it is.

    You might say that maybe I shouldnt have watched the dance happen, but Im glad I did. If I hadnt, I would have thought more had happened between her and him and Id be even more upset.

    I know that some women have no problems with this how do they do it? Please help!

    This isnt a chronic problem for my BF he only goes there twice a year and Ive never heard of him getting a real lap dance before.

    What do I do? How do I get over this? How do I get the image out of my head? She was basically having dry sex with him. Im hurt is this OK? I want to be a laid back, cool girlfriend I am on most other things. Or am I right to be upset?

     
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    Old 05-03-2006, 01:32 PM   #2
    galinaqt
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    You are very right to be upset, any normal person would be upset. May be this guy intentionally wants to hurt you, I was with jerk like that. Imagine if shoes were on a different foot.
    It is very sick and abnormal and he probably doesn't do it just 2 a year. I would dump that jerk.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 01:36 PM   #3
    minnesotagirl
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    I know he doesn't go more than on his bday and his friend's bday. We spend too much time together for me to not know that. We're also kind of poor so there is no way he'd spend money on it all the time. That's one reason why he doesn't get the lap dances when he goes there. I told him "what if I did that with another man?" and he just chalks that up as its different from men rather than women. Obviously I wouldn't get the same pleasure from some guy grinding all over me. That'd gross me out.

    And lots of women put up with this, so I'm not certain that having a lap dance is really wrong. Some would think I'm a over-jealous crazy person for feeling like I was cheated on.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 01:43 PM   #4
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    God, you are VERY patient and storng, I would have been done for manslaughter if I had my face rubbed against s--- like that. You are watching him getting erection with a stripper??????? It IS sex. My bf once came with all his jeans on, without touching me, just me being on his lap.
    Why did you do it to yourself? I know that you can't control him but at least don't go with him so that the b---- gets some guilt about it!!!!!

    hmm how to forget about it? Take him with you to male stripping party, take your top off and keep your knickers on and get a hot male stipper to sexually flirt with you. Please do it if you could. If you were my friend, I would have paid for you to do it!

    You made my blood boil

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 01:44 PM   #5
    Hiya
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Whether or not it's "ok" is a debate that will rage on till the end of time. But do you have the right to be upset? Of course you do. You have a right to your feelings. But let me ask you something. You say it isn't cheating. But let's say he's at work, and he and a co-worker sneak off to the copy room and do what he did with that stripper. What if he's at a party and some girl at the party takes him into a back bedroom and does what he did with that stripper. Would it be cheating then? Why isn't it cheating when he does the exact same act with a stripper? Because it was paid for? Because you had the privilege of watching it? Why is it "just a dance" with a stripper, but when the exact same act is done with a co-worker, neighbor, ex-girlfriend, or in any other arena, is something else? A physical act with another woman is a physical act with another woman, period. A dance is two people on a dance floor at a decent space apart from each other, dancing to the music. What he had was not just a dance. It was an act specifically designed to arouse and excite him.

    I think what this issue boils down to is rules for life. Not everyone is going to agree as to how big a deal it is or whether it's morally right or wrong, but that's not the issue. The issue is, how do YOU feel about your man doing this? It clearly affected you very deeply and evoked some deep, serious emotions, which you absolutely have every right to. If it bothers you, it bothers you, and you have every right to that. It's one of the hardest things in this life to find someone with compatible morals, values, and other "rules for life." Perhaps you and your boyfriend just aren't as compatible as you first thought. If you really want and need a man who would never even think of doing that with another woman, who would NOT just sit there grinning like an idiot with the half naked bimbo gyrating on his loins while you sat there crying, then you deserve one.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 01:45 PM   #6
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Bottom line is that is doesn't matter whether he was getting a lap dance, just sitting in the strip club or getting his nose hairs clipped by a pretty girl, if IT BOTHERS YOU and YOU TELL HIM IT BOTHERS YOU, then if he had love and respect for you HE WOULD NOT DO IT.

    This and similar issues will haunt you for the remainder of your relationship, so I'd think long and hard about how much you are willing to put up with. It doesn't matter what age you are, 10 years from now if he wants to do something at the expense of your feelings, he will.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 01:55 PM   #7
    HeWillBeStrong
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Please, try to stop feeling bad about being uncomfortable! It is ridiculous for you to feel guilty about your feelings about this situation. You have every right in the world to be bothered by this.

    I've been seeeing this a lot lately. Woman want to be the 'cool' girlfriend and they don't want to be considered a 'b itch' or a 'nag' by their boyfriend and/or his friends. So they try to make themselves okay with things they're really not. I hate how a lot of guys complain about their girlfrinds 'nagging' them, when in reality, the girl is just upset and wants to talk. And girls try to change themselves, when the problem doesn't lay just within them. It sucks and it's sad, and I'm guilty of it too.

    I would NOT be okay with this, at all. And I really think most woman wouldn't be. Sure, there are some who are comfortable with their boyfriend going to a strip club, and that's fine for them. But it's not fine for everyone, and you shouldn't have to force yourself to feel comfortable with it. I really think you need to sit down and talk to your boyfriend, because you already said you can't get it out of your head. It could eat away at you and your relationship if it isn't resolved. And if he isn't willing to stop getting lap dances, then he's a jerk, honestly, and you deserve a million times better.

    As for what one person on here said about doing it back to him...I don't think revenge is a very mature or productive thing to do. Believe me, I'm very angry with the situation and her boyfriends attitude about it too, but her doing the same kind of thing won't solve anything and will very possibly make it all worse. Just try to talk to him...and please, don't let him make you question your feelings. You have every right to your feelings, and you shouldn't have to apologize for them.

    Good luck, I really hope things go well from here on.

    Last edited by HeWillBeStrong; 05-03-2006 at 01:56 PM.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 02:00 PM   #8
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    You say it isn't cheating. But let's say he's at work, and he and a co-worker sneak off to the copy room and do what he did with that stripper. What if he's at a party and some girl at the party takes him into a back bedroom and does what he did with that stripper. Would it be cheating then? Why isn't it cheating when he does the exact same act with a stripper? Because it was paid for? Because you had the privilege of watching it? Why is it "just a dance" with a stripper, but when the exact same act is done with a co-worker, neighbor, ex-girlfriend, or in any other arena, is something else? A physical act with another woman is a physical act with another woman, period. A dance is two people on a dance floor at a decent space apart from each other, dancing to the music. What he had was not just a dance. It was an act specifically designed to arouse and excite him.
    I completely agree with you. Honestly, it makes no sense to me when people argue that it's not cheating, etc...

    But like you said, that will be debated forever. It's all about how the two people in the relationship feel about it, and deal with it. And like katidid95 said, if he truly loves and respects you, he won't continue to do it when he knows it bothers you.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 02:02 PM   #9
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Well, I'm sure there are women out there who are completely fine with another woman dry-humping their man for money he gave them, but I am not one of them. I'm with you on this one, I see nothing respectable about a man that runs off to find entertainment in other live naked women and sexual sensations (lap dances like the one you describe here). Personally, it actually grosses me out quite a bit.

    This kind of activity crosses a line for me and I know it's not something I would ever accept in a man. It's one of those "can deal or can't deal" with it situations. I can't deal with it, so I won't date a man who's into it. Thankfully, I majorly lucked out and my fiance really dislikes the whole strip scene. He thinks it's pretty gross and finds no real entertainment there for him. Whew! I've had a boyfriend or two in the past who would go once or twice a year with friends and discovered it's just not something I'm interested in dealing with, so I won't.

    Maybe that's the decision you have to make for yourself. It's a personal standard and expectations issues - what are your personal standards? To me, it sounds like strippers are out.

    While it's true that there are plenty of women out there who seem to have no problem with this scenario - there are probably an equal amount of us who do see a problem. You can't help the way you feel about this, it's a tolerance level that you simply don't have - and that is *OK*.

    The unfortunate part is your boyfriend may not see eye to eye with you on this, or be willing to give up this annual activity to respect your wishes when it clearly hurts you.

    If this is the case, sadly... I'd have to say let him go and find someone who is on the same path as you in regard to this kind of situation

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 02:07 PM   #10
    minnesotagirl
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Thanks for all the comments. I just don't think my BF realizes the hurt he's causing me. I tried to forget about it last night after we left the club so he could have a good birthday. In every other area in our relationship we're compatible. I don't want to leave him over a lap dance!

    Why did I do it to myself (as far as watching)? Well, like I said, I wanted to see exactly what they were doing ... I know my BF would have said "it wasn't that big of a deal" and try to convince me that she didn't do much to him. I also wanted to ruin it for him. I know that my being there did take away some of the enjoyment for him. And it made her uncomfortable too.

    Oh and I wasn't actually crying -- I was just on the verge. The stripper told my BF I was crying, but I actually wasn't.

    And I really love this guy and I know he loves me. We've been through a lot together and I would hate to see this die because of a once a year lap dance. I'm not going to let him live this down though. I will talk to him and make my feelings very clear. I'll tell him how all I see when I close my eyes is that woman on his lap.

    I'm surprised that all the responses are anger towards him and that no one feels they have to explain how I'm supposed to change. Thanks very much! Any additional insight is much appreciated. Also please tell me if anyone has been in a similar situation. I'm sure (by the number of men in the strip club) that this must be somewhat of a common issue.

    Last edited by minnesotagirl; 05-03-2006 at 02:09 PM.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 02:23 PM   #11
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Whoa, this pisses me off actually.
    You have EVERY RIGHT to be mad. What the heck?!

    I would consider this cheating...totally.
    If he was any kind of a decent F****NG man, he'd stop doing the ****** that makes you upset!

    I don't have much to say because I'm that infuriated.

    You are so strong. I would have been out the door if that happened, but before I left, I would be swinging, you better believe it. He should thank his lucky stars that you had the wits about you to deal with it.

    He better shape his little @$$ up...
    HE needs to change. Not you.

    Last edited by Deena_05; 05-03-2006 at 02:23 PM.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 02:23 PM   #12
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    I think that you can only get over it if he realises that this is not accepted and discuss it openly with him. That is selfish and you don't have to accept hurt twice a year, not even once in a lifetime (Others, pls don't start giving me lecture here I know you will say you you you)

    Why don't you go out once and flirt sexually and see how he reacts. If he has no problem, then I think he genuiely didn't mean to hurt you. Let him try the feeling. I still think that you don't have to get involved if he insists. It doesn't matter if it stopped at erection or if it went further to be honest with you. A lapdancer is having his money and getting the attention and the go is on the margin and in the dark, not for one second should you accept that! Say it to him flat out it's NOT ok with you, because it is not.

    Last edited by Nina000; 05-03-2006 at 02:26 PM.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 02:29 PM   #13
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nina000
    Why don't you go out once and flirt sexually and see how he reacts. If he has no problem, then I think he genuiely didn't mean to hurt you. Let him try the feeling.
    I have to disagree. It makes me kind of upset when people suggest that you play games in your relationship. Yes, he was a huge jerk...but doing the same thing to 'get back' or to get him to realize something, almost ALWAYS backfires, and it just seems so immature and manipulating. If you have to play games in your relationship, maybe you shouldn't be in it. If things can't be solved with discussions, maybe he's not the right person for you.

    I understand why, out of anger, that would be a gut reaction...to give him a taste of his own medicine. But it just seems like something a 14 year old would do when her boyfriend makes her mad, not a woman in a committed relationship.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 02:31 PM   #14
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    WOW i don't know how u sat there i think i would of strangled her. Well when i was with my ex this was a bit of an issue. He wanted to go to amsterdamn for his birthday and i made it clear he was not going and if he did i made him perfecly aware of how our relationship would be. Now he endedup not going but not from what i had said because that was a good few months before but becuase he hadn't the money.
    Then it came to his bday, his 21st and his mates where talking about getting a kissagram/stripper for his bday party. Again i was like erm NO WAY. I'm not going to my bf party to watch him and another girl get friendly and have his family looking at me to see if iwas ok. So I againe made it clear theres no way this is happening. TOld him my feelings. So he didn't have one.
    Some may think the above was a bit unfair but thats just my feelings. If your with me your wit me and not rubbing urself onto other girls. And as others say i would see it as a form of cheating.
    Now i've had my rant!!!

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 02:36 PM   #15
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by HeWillBeStrong
    lay just within them. It sucks and it's sad, and I'm guilty of it too.


    As for what one person on here said about doing it back to him...I don't think revenge is a very mature or productive thing to do. Believe me, I'm very angry with the situation and her boyfriends attitude about it too, but her doing the same kind of thing won't solve anything and will very possibly make it all worse.
    Probably ! But at least he will know that she has the same power that he has. She doesn't have to take it as a habit, but she might take it out of her system if she played the "cool" girlfriend but also had the "cool" bf about it. Don't know. I might just have killed him if I saw that. Nothing to do with possessiveness but it IS disrespectful. I mean to do it to someone's eyes. Gosh.
    But you are right, I had an argument once with my bf and because of meeting some girl to help her with some documents without telling me. Later in a pub, there was a very "hot" man who was very drunk, he didn't stop saying how gorgeous I was, was all over me, and asked me to kiss him on the cheek in front of my bf I just couldn't do it. My bf would have looked so small if I have done it. He looked so hurt without me kissing the man but I was made up .

    Last edited by Nina000; 05-03-2006 at 02:44 PM.

     
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