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    Old 05-12-2006, 09:25 AM   #1
    Belledin
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    socializing with people your SO has slept with

    my boyfriend (f 2 1/2 years) and i are having a party at his house. my bf and i have a rocky past--we've broken up a couple of times. it took us a lot of struggle, but we realized how much we love each other and we've rededicated ourselves to the relationship. we've been together 7 happy months, he's asked me to move in, i'm thinking about it, etc.

    so we're having a party and i told him that i was very uncomfortable with him inviting this one particular female friend of his because they've slept together. she's very attractive, sociable, and they've known each other for a number of years. now, we broke up and they slept together. he told me that she was the one that pushed it, he was really only interested in her as a friend, but they did anyway and he regretted it. he told her that he wanted to remain friends. we got back together.

    we broke up the second time in Feb of '05 and they slept together AGAIN. a couple of times. we got back together and he had a talk w/her telling her that they weren't right together, etc. apparently she wasn't mad (i would be!). soon after she started dating this guy seriously who was rather jealous, and she didn't really call or hang out with my bf. they would get lunch about once a month, but that was it. i'm not crazy about the idea that they have lunch together, but it's not a big deal to me. lunch is lunch.

    am i being insecure b/c i don't want her at the party? i don't know why, but i wish this girl would drop off the face of the earth. my bf assures me that she's very cool, and i'm sure she is (i don't know her at all). i know some of her friends and they are all nice people. my bf regrets that they slept together b/c he thinks that she and i would have gotten along really well--would probably even be friends.

    here's a few more details. i made the request that she not be invited a few weeks ago. my bf agreed b/c he could see my point of view, although he made it clear that he felt bad about it. he tells me yesterday that he spoke to her on the phone and we started talking about the situation.

    anyway, he said he wished we could all be friends (meaning her, her bf, me, and him). i said, it would probably be less threatening to me if we all went to dinner one night with another couple, and i could see her with her bf. also, her jealous bf would see you with me and it would sort of neutralize the situation. he agreed. i started asking about the bf--how long have they been together? (one year). do you think it will last? (not sure but i think it's cooling off).

    so, i come into work today and i hear from a third party that this girl broke up with her boyfriend early this week. and so she calls my bf yesterday? and doesn't mention to him that she dumped her bf? NOOOO, I'm SURE she told my bf they broke up. and he didn't mention it to me. now, that doesn't make me feel too hot.

    i just can't help feeling weird about her. my bf assures me that he loves ME and that he doesn't have ANY feelings for her (obviously he had the opportunity to be wth her). he says that SHE similarly has NO feelings for him. but i really don't know about that. way long ago (i'm sure he forgot he ever told me) he told me that she told him she thought they had chemistry/connection/attraction, whatever. and what kind of person allows themselves to get used twice by a "friend?" because honestly, my bf was wrong to sleep with her on two different occasions and then get back together w/me. if a "friend" did that to me, they wouldn't be my friend anymore.

    i feel bad b/c i know my bf regrets not inviting her to his party. i also wish i didn't feel this way. are these feelings normal? am i insecure? am i wrong to ask that she not come? and i'm worried about the future, now that she's not with her bf. is she going to try to hang out with MY bf? b/c i don't want to hang out with her, and i don't want them to hang out alone together.

    one more thing--my bf is inviting ANOTHER girl that he slept with while we were broken up, and that doesn't bother me at all. it's just this OTHER one that gets to me.

    so am i nuts?

     
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    Old 05-12-2006, 09:35 AM   #2
    punkrokchk2000
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    nope, you're not crazy...I'd react the same way. Actually - if my bf slept with ANY girl and wanted to invite her to a party he was throwing I'd be really upset. But I'm high maintenanced and have no tolerance for those kinds of things... All night long I'd be thinking about him and her making mad passionate love...it would kill me. Nope, no way. And the fact that she's single now....

    I'm a jealous person, though...so don't listen to me.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 09:36 AM   #3
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    I dunno, I think you're a little more accepting than I would be in this situation. Not only would I not want her any where near my party, I wouldn't want her anywhere near my bf either. If it was something from 10+ years ago where they had a relationship or whatever that's one thing, but this was recent and between your 'off' periods. That seems really... uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to be in that situation!

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 09:39 AM   #4
    mys_star
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    NO! You are not nuts! He said he regretted sleeping with her the first time and that she "pushed" him into it! "horse *****!" If he regretted it that much, then why did he do it again?? I would not want this girl anywhere near my boyfriend let alone at some party where people drink and carry on and things can get out of hand! He should not expect you to be friends with her, and really, he should just leave her alone altogether! And now, she and her guy are beoken up? How convenient. If you two are in a good relationship and thinking about moving in together, do yourselves a favor and leave this girl out of the picture before she comes between you and your BF! He slept with her twice already! His loyalty is with YOU! Not her.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 09:40 AM   #5
    minnesotagirl
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    That would completely bother me too!! I wouldn't want my bf to even have lunch with that girl - I'm surprised you even took him back after he goes and sleeps with someone else while you were broken up. How long were you broken up for? My guess is that it wasn't that long (meaning probably only a month or two at the most). However, I think I'm also a bit insecure about myself. But hey, I sometimes think that my insecurities are based on the way I've been treated in the past. I know I'm an attractive girl, etc., etc., --- But I still wonder. Men are men and a man's instinct is to have sex with more than one woman. I know some will say that's not all true, but especially with younger men, I think it is.

    I wouldn't feel bad at all for not letting him invite her. Especially after hearing that she broke up with her BF. Did you tell your BF you found out about that and what was his reaction? Surely he knew and didn't tell you.

    I'm surprised that you don't care about the other girl he slept with, but that tells me that obviously you've seen signs of a deeper connection between your BF and his "friend."

    You are the woman in your BF's life now, and if he can't accept that, you might need to move on. Would he like it if you invited guy friends that you had slept with? Would he want you going to lunch with them?

    I'd say it would be different if they had slept together years ago, but this sounds more recent (I don't think 2 years is a long time).

    He shouldn't feel bad about honoring your feelings. He feels bad because he's not inviting this girl to a party? Oh boo hoo - she can find something else to do that night, its not going to ruin her.

    Try not to get too paranoid, but I'd watch my back on this one, especially now that she's single.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 09:47 AM   #6
    daylight568
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    I wouldn't except it and I would feel bad putting a friend of mines girlfriend in that situation and I would not go if I new she had a problem with it.If your bf loves you ,he should tell that girl not to come over and call and if she is a true friend she should respect that and not do anything that would hurt his relationship with the woman he loves.The only reason why he hasn't told his ex about how you feel is because hes trying to hold onto her for sex when things go array with you.If they were truly "friends" only ,he would have no problems in telling her not to call or associate with him as it bothers his fiancee.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 09:54 AM   #7
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    absolutely! That's why I said earlier that his loyalty should be with you! She's hanging around in the hopes that you two will break up. And she'll likely do everything in her power to make that happen!

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 10:43 AM   #8
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    This is JMHO(or opinionated opinion...haha) I absolutely refuse to allow my BF to socialize with his EX GF...OK so if that sounds harsh he has two choices...he can stay and be OK with that or we can break up. I will not be in a relationship that I feel threatened by him screwing around with his EX...either literally speaking or figuratively speaking! At first when we got together he just thought he could have a "friendship" with his EX GF and I finally just had all I could stand and laid it out for him as to what his choices were! I'll be darned if I'm going to put up with that!
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    Last edited by keepsgoin; 05-12-2006 at 10:44 AM.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 10:50 AM   #9
    minnesotagirl
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    Why is it that so often a person is accussed of being insecure or jealous or not trusting, just because they are threatened by these types of relationships?

    Ugh it is just so stupid. Just because someone is suspicious of someone else's behavior does not make them a crazy insecure person. Fact is that people cheat all the time, every day, and we all have to watch our backs, especially younger people.

    Oh and I had to add something I learned from watching a Chris Rock stand up show (I think this was his second HBO special, not sure, but its hilarious...). He said all men cheat or they want to cheat. How does a woman prevent this from happenening? Two words: BE THERE! When that other woman comes around, you are THERE with him, and nothing can happen if you're there.

    Last edited by minnesotagirl; 05-12-2006 at 10:53 AM.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 10:55 AM   #10
    Belledin
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    wow, i'm surprised how many people are validating my feelings.

    i wonder, though, if maybe you guys are getting the wrong impression--i really don't know if she's "hanging around" waiting for us to break up, or if she would try to seduce him to get us to break up. i mean, they were friends for a few years before we got together and nothing like this happened.

    i mean, i kind of FEEL like she's sort of lurking around, and the fact that she's single now doesn't help. there are other reasons i have issues w/her, though. when we've had problems in the past, she would surface as an alternative social outlet. we had a while when neither of us really had friends outside of the relationship (just due to circumstance, i moved to new city, he was returning after 10 years away and no one he knew was left). we hung out together ALL the time, but we knew it was healthy to have friends outside the relationship and spend some time apart. so, for example, i would say, what are you doing tonight? he would say, oh, going out with so-and-so and her friends. (no invitation for me to come--but hey, we need to have separate social lives and this is pretty much the only other person i can hang out with). this was a problem for me even BEFORE they slept together when i had no reason to have a problem with it--thinking back on it i was never quite comfortable with her.

    i'm just afraid that she is (unintentionally) going to drive a wedge between us. here's what i see happening: she invites him to go out to a bar or whatever with her and her friends. maybe i have other plans, maybe i don't. if i have other plans, he goes and hangs out w/her. that would make me uncomfortable. even if i DON'T have other plans, i'm not going to go where she is. and i would feel bad if he went. now HE'll feel like i'm keeping him from hanging out with her. which, i am, i guess. i mean, i never say, "you can't do this." i just say, "if you do this, I am going to feel X, Y, and Z." but i guess it's really the same thing.

    it's weird feeling like i'm limiting his contact with another person. i also feel really weird now that he didn't tell me she broke up with her bf. what does THAT mean? maybe he didn't want me to make the obvious assumption--she's calling him up now that she's single. or maybe he doesn't want me to worry--maybe he really knows in his heart nothing would happen again w/her, and if they go to lunch he doesn't want me to stress over it? or maybe he simply doesn't want me to know b/c he thinks i'll make a fuss?

    i just hate being suspicious. i guess i don't trust him 100%. and now that he didn't tell me that she broke up w/her boyfriend, i feel like i can't trust that i'm getting 100% of the story. i know he's been meeting her for lunch since we got back together, but he doesn't tell me when he does (and i don't ask). his parents came over for dinner one night and asked how she was doing and he said that he hadn't talked to her in a long time, but i was talking to him while he was checking his e-mail and i saw an e-mail from her in his inbox.

    i guess i'm somewhat mad at him, too. i feel like he knows my feelings towards her, but he continues to stay in contact with her, even if it is very intermittent. i can't help but feel that, on some level, it's disrespectful. i mean, i know it's important to hang onto friends, and it's totally possible to sleep with your friend and regret it, but HE KNOWS how i feel. HE thinks his behavior is fine, and he may even KNOW he would never do anything. Regardless, he's doing something he knows makes me feel bad. i mean, i know he knows that i want her to fall off the face of the earth. and maybe he was shading the truth to protect my feelings, but i really feel like i just can't count on him to be 100% truthful with me, which is what i need to feel trust. even 99% + "for your own good" isn't enough.

    and here's the worst thing--i'm going out of town next weekend!!!

    quite simply, what are appropriate demands? how is my bf entitled to feel?

    1. is dinner (just the 2 of them) appropriate? what if it's just wings at a bar watching the game?

    2. should he hang out w/her at a bar w/her other friends if i'm not around? is he entitled to be upset if i tell him i won't go and i would be uncomfortable if HE goes?

    3. what if SHE has a party and invites him, but i won't go?

    4. now that she's single, is it STILL appropriate for her to have lunch w/my BF?

    5. should i adopt a "keep your enemies close but your friends closer" posture? this way, he'll have to invite me along everytime he hangs out w/her?

    i guess the question basically is, is he entitled to be upset that I DO NOT WANT THIS PERSON IN MY LIFE. (and in HIS life, after about 6pm.)

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 11:09 AM   #11
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    1. is dinner (just the 2 of them) appropriate? what if it's just wings at a bar watching the game?NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    2. should he hang out w/her at a bar w/her other friends if i'm not around?NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is he entitled to be upset if i tell him i won't go and i would be uncomfortable if HE goes?NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    3. what if SHE has a party and invites him, but i won't go?NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    4. now that she's single, is it STILL appropriate for her to have lunch w/my BF?NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    5. should i adopt a "keep your enemies close but your friends closer" posture? this way, he'll have to invite me along everytime he hangs out w/her?yes

    i guess the question basically is, is he entitled to be upset that I DO NOT WANT THIS PERSON IN MY LIFE. (and in HIS life, after about 6pm.)NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 11:10 AM   #12
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    Well, I can see why he'd be upset because you've been allowing him to hang out with her all this time. The boundries were established and this was included within your boundries, but it seems to me that your mind just keeps having a problem with it.

    If I were you, I'd go with option #5 and insist on going along with them when they hang out after 6 p.m., but that's just how I'd deal with it. How do you think she'd react to this? Do you think she'd be upset that you are there?

    I'd be uncomfortable with him having lunch with her and not telling you about it -- even if they had never slept together -- and also about the emails that he doesn't talk about. Why is this relationship so important to him?

    I know if feels weird limiting his contact with someone - essentially telling him what to do -- but he had sex several times with this girl, so he's gotta understand that makes you uncomfortable. If he's not, that is disrespectful. Do you hang out with guys that you have slept with before, and would that make him uncomfortable?

    Like I said, BE THERE. Even if you have to suck up some displeasure or feelings of wanting to start a huge cat fight with her, you just have to be the adult, smile and "mind your turf" so to speak. It sounds like he wouldn't mind if you tagged along on an outing with her and her friends, so why not?

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 11:33 AM   #13
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    I don't think I'd be comfortable with my guy hanging out with a girl he'd slept with since we'd been together. My fiance is friends with several of his exes. However, they were all safely in the past by the time I came along. And his idea of keeping in touch means an e-mail update every so often or a lunch every so often (that's every few months, not weeks or days). The key is that he's always asked me before inviting someone to a party or whether I'm comfortable with him having lunch with someone. He's also always said I'm completely welcome to come along if that makes me more comfortable. I do get jealous sometimes, but ultimately I have no doubt that I'm the biggest priority and that his relationships with this women are extremely casual friendships based on having shared part of his history with them.

    If it were someone he'd slept with since he's been with me, I'm pretty sure I'd say no way.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 11:40 AM   #14
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    I think an email every now and then is OK but only if your significant other is OK with it.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 11:55 AM   #15
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    Re: socializing with people your SO has slept with

    His past is just that PAST, you have him now, hold your head high and kill her with kindness. It will make you the bigger better person and if she see's that her presents does not bother you, she might spot hanging around you man. Good luck with your future plans with him.

     
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