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  • I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

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    Old 05-13-2006, 07:59 PM   #1
    dirkson4
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    I cheated for the first time ever! What have I done :(

    Im feeling so low at the moment i dont know where to turn or what to do.
    Ive been with my girlfriend for about 3 months and we have had our fair share of problems which included her breaking up with me for no reason and then the fact that she wouldnt introduce me as her boyfriend to her family at her party which she blamed on her 'culture'.

    Anyway all this has made me very weary about if this relationship is going to work, but at the same time time she has been wonderful to me and supportive in alot of ways. I dont love her but in my heart i really care for her.

    I made a big mistake the other night. I kissed another girl at a nightclub. She wasnt a random ( I knew her)and i was drunk but its no excuse because I planned to do it, because i thought i wanted to but now I feel so guilty its horrible. I did only kiss her but its the first time i have ever cheated on anyone and im feeling the pain and guilt so much.

    My girlfriend stayed over last night and it was the most awkward situation ever. I dont think i slept all night and she knew something was wrong but i just blamed other factors like my depression. The fact is I really and truly realise how much I like this girl now .I know Ive made a bad mistake but if i tell her i will defintely lose her. She is a very sensitive girl and she wouldnt take it well. Im not a bad guy it was just a bad mistake. I was in a 22 month relationship without sex previously and never even looked at another girl because i was so much in love.

    So thats the situation either dont tell her,learn from this mistake, know that cheating is not for me and try and move on with a guilty conscious which i dont know if i can do, or bite the bullet and tell her what happened and lose someone special to me . I guess telling her at a later date might make it easier. I really dont know what to do

    Just looking at her beautiful loving face and knowing what ive done makes me want to cry because i know she would never doubt how faithful i was for a second and ive really let her down

    Please Please help me im so upset

    -Rick-

    Last edited by dirkson4; 05-13-2006 at 08:14 PM.

     
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    Old 05-13-2006, 09:07 PM   #2
    Beyondthesky37
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    I can't tell you for sure what you should do. You have to decide with which consequence you can live with more. Being honest with her and giving her a chance to forgive you or possibly losing her. Or having your conscience bother you everytime you're around her. Once you answer which you can live with then you have your answer. If the answer is neither maybe you should postpone telling her a little while until you know for sure but even then you'll have decided which you could live with and that would be not telling her. But if you don't tell her and she finds out some other way then you'll have severed her trust even more. If you do decide to tell be honest like you were in the post. goodluck. I hope everything works out for you it sounds like you truly care about this girl.

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 01:13 AM   #3
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    well,even if you choose not to tell her, you are defenitely paying for your actions with the guilt you feel right now! However......at least you are a decent enough guy that you cheated, but you feel bad afterward! That's the big difference here! Most people who cheat could care less! I don't think this incident is worth mentioning provided you NEVER do it again!!!! Had you actually had sex, then yes, it would only be right to tell her seeing as how you could expose her to diseases. Learn a valuable lesson here, and move on! Just hope she don't find out from someone else!

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 01:55 AM   #4
    MysteriousGuy
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    Well I guess it may have turn out for the better as seeing how this event has made you realized how much you love your girl and all that. So my advice is not to tell her as long as you're sure she wouldn't found out from anyone. If you had sex with that girl, it would have been an entirely different issue.

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 06:04 AM   #5
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    Will she find out from someone else? If not, learn from your mistake and be glad you didn't do anything more and try to never do this again and forget about it! If she will find out through the grape vine, you will have to tell her yourself before this happens though.
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    Old 05-14-2006, 09:59 AM   #6
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    Rick
    If all you did was kiss her, keep it to yourself. I have had 2 wives cheat on me and I can tell you first hand how badly it hurts. I am not trying to minimize the kissing , but I think for what it was the resulting damage will be worse.

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 11:01 AM   #7
    HeWillBeStrong
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    It really, really, really makes me so upset to see people giving advice on keeping cheating to yourself. I think that is the most selfish thing you can do. You betrayed your girlfriends trust. Whether she knows about it or not, the trust is betrayed. Keeping it to yourself ruins any chance of having a completely honest relationship. How anyone can be okay with that, I'll never know.

    You made a mistake, own up to it. She deserves to know, and if you truly care about her like you say you do, you would be honest with her and let her decide for herself if she can forgive you. Yeah, it sucks, I've been there. It really sucks when you cheat on someone you care about and you regret it so much. But keeping it from her isn't the answer. Can you live with the guilt? If you can, that's scary to me, because you SHOULD feel guilty over something like this. It should eat you alive until it comes out. It scares me when people come to terms with their guilt and push it away. The guilt is there for a reason. She already can tell something is wrong, she will continue to feel something is wrong because whether you're trying to or not, your guilt is putting a wedge between the two of you.

    It's good that you care enough to feel guilty. But please don't be selfish and keep it to yourself. The only thing that does is make it easier for you, it does nothing for her.

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 11:29 AM   #8
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by TTBABM
    Rick
    If all you did was kiss her, keep it to yourself. I have had 2 wives cheat on me and I can tell you first hand how badly it hurts. I am not trying to minimize the kissing , but I think for what it was the resulting damage will be worse.

    its sad i know, but looking back, i wish i hadnt known that my ex had cheated on me...its sooo painful...but thats when i look back...at the time id have def wanted to know what sort of guy i was with...

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 11:49 AM   #9
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    not to sound harsh,i'm 41,and one thing i never done,ever was hit a woman or cheat.In my own opinion,once a cheat,always a cheat.Sorry,but if i were a betting man,in the future,you may do it again,and the more you do it,the less you will feel guilty.I know theres peaple on this board that don't like what i'm saying,but i'm old fashion,and i believe no matter what the reason,there is no justafication for someone to cheat.You broke a trust,bond etc. And you feel bad,well,you should,you said you don't love her,does she know that,or are you keeping that from her too

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 12:39 PM   #10
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    You could:

    Tell her and relieve your own pain and anguish, while causing her pain and anguish.
    Don't tell her, and cause her no pain and anguish.

    Which is more important to you right now - Sparing her or relieving yourself?

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 12:42 PM   #11
    BetsyJean
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    Good grief people!!!

    For starters, I don't think you cheated at all. I think that you became exclusive too soon with the wrong person.

    90 Days & everyone is acting like this is adultery??
    Give me a break!!

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 02:53 PM   #12
    HeWillBeStrong
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    Quote:
    You could:

    Tell her and relieve your own pain and anguish, while causing her pain and anguish.
    Don't tell her, and cause her no pain and anguish.

    Which is more important to you right now - Sparing her or relieving yourself?
    The damage is already done. She probably will be hurt if he tells her, but she SHOULD know what happened. She should be able to decide if she can forgive him. That is for her to decide, not him or anyone else. You make it sound like he's some martyr if he keeps it to himself. But he's only being selfish by doing that. He already said he's afraid to tell her because he might lose her...well, that sucks for him, but he made the mistake. I guess some people justify not telling the person they're with because they think it'll only cause them pain...but if you don't want to cause them pain, DON'T CHEAT TO BEGIN WITH. Once you've cheated, the best thing you can do FOR THEM is to let them know straight up what happened.

    Quote:
    Good grief people!!!

    For starters, I don't think you cheated at all. I think that you became exclusive too soon with the wrong person.

    90 Days & everyone is acting like this is adultery??
    Give me a break!!
    If you are with someone and you've both decided to be exclusive, then you kiss someone else...it is cheating. Yeah they were only together for a short time...but if he wanted someone else, he should've been mature and told the girl he was with, and then he could go kiss anyone he wanted to. The fact remains that he cheated. You have to be with someone for a certain amount of time for it to be considered cheating? I think if you are considered 'boyfriend/girlfriend' and that very day you go out and kiss someone else, it's cheating.

    The bottom line is: everyone has their own opinion on what is cheating, and if they would want to know if their partner cheated, and if you should keep it to yourself if you cheat. But what we don't know is his girlfriends stance on any of this. Most people want to know if their boyfriend/girlfriend kisses someone else, some don't, apparently. But it doesn't matter what we think, it matters what his girlfriends thinks. And that is why he should tell her, because she should be able to figure it all out herself.

    It really scares me that other people are so flippant about this whole issue.

    Last edited by HeWillBeStrong; 05-14-2006 at 02:55 PM.

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 02:55 PM   #13
    daylight568
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    Ask yourself this.Would you have kissed that girl if you hadn't been drinking?If not,theres where your real problem lies and it will happen again if you don't get it under control.

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 03:15 PM   #14
    HeWillBeStrong
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dsheldon3
    Ask yourself this.Would you have kissed that girl if you hadn't been drinking?If not,theres where your real problem lies and it will happen again if you don't get it under control.
    Here is a direct quote from the original post:

    "and i was drunk but its no excuse because I planned to do it, because i thought i wanted to but now I feel so guilty its horrible"

    Please, just tell your girlfriend. I hate knowing that some girl somewhere is at home thinking her boyfriend is loyal, while total strangers on a message board know the truth.

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 03:23 PM   #15
    cookiepls
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    Re: I cheated first time ever! What have I done :(

    Try not to beat yourself up too much Rick. It's ultimately up to you what you do. You sound like a young man who made a mistake and sincerely regrets it, and not because you were caught, but because you have a heart. We're all learning and we'll all make mistakes. If this teaches you how to treat your girlfriend in the future, then it was a lesson well-learned.
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by HeWillBeStrong
    You make it sound like he's some martyr if he keeps it to himself. But he's only being selfish by doing that.
    Sorry, but I was thinking of her feelings. I think it would be more selfish to tell her. It might make him feel better, but I really think it would hurt her and not do anything good for her.

    If your bf came to you one day and said, "while I was drunk the other night, I kissed a girl. I feel horrible about it and I've been dealing with all this guilt. I just felt that you should know." Okay, so now he finally gets it off his chest, and he feels better, while you're left standing there with your jaw to the floor and your heart in your hands. Did he do it for you? Did telling you somehow make your life better? I doubt it.

     
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