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    Old 06-24-2006, 12:24 PM   #1
    Graciella
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    Question I don't even know what to title this...

    Hello,

    My name is Graciella, I am 25 years old and I have a very big dilemma I'd like to get over.
    I met x (confidentiality reasons) in 2002. After two months of dating we moved in together and after about 9 months he said he couldn't handle me anymore and asked me to move out. He told me he can't stand a jealous girl, that signifies insecurity and immaturity. OK, so I moved out (not agreing with his philosophy) and after about 5 months he was searching for me and wanted me back so bad he'd do anything. And yes, he did do the following: the proposed. And he also did something for him "the impossible". He agreed to leave his home town and move with me across the country to start fresh. After 4 months in our new home, new city, new life, he figured he had enough "again" of my insecurities and my unwillingness to compromise and take his feelings into considerations and left once again. This time it was supposed to be for good.
    This was a 1 year and 1/2 ago. He's been e-mailing me few love letters during this time and i've been more or less replying (rarely) but contact was inevitable (with today's technology). And here we are in 2006, after a long time apart, I agreed to see him again here. He took the plane and stayed at my place one week with the hope that one on one talk will help us reconcile.
    The root problem has not been solved of course. According to him, it will never. This problem, that you've probably been wondering about, is the following:
    He has had a female friend for over 13 years. He's known her husband first and then was introduced to her. In the past they hung out a lot, bars, clubs, coffee, either's homes, e-mails, phone...so, anyone could confirm that they know each other rather well. And no, not in a sexual way.
    I am certain they never did anything or thought of instigating anything physical ever, which is great. My problem is this closure that they have that I cannot live with.
    You will not believe what an amazing man he is. Any woman would be more than lucky to have him. He is over the top loving, he's very attentive, he is very nourishing, would make a great daddy and gets along with everybody.
    These are the qualities that attracted me towards him in the first place.
    Alright. Now, while he stayed here for the week, it's been amazing, he suggested he would move back here and build a home with me, make a family, discuss less of our relationship problems with his friends (as in the past, he would disclose all kinds of info about us and that bothered me a lot). So, basically, he's willing to change somewhat and make things better. But the female friend situation is here to stay.
    He even let me read her e-mail and his reply to her. They talk maybe once a month, so not often, but when they do I get sick literally. The pain creates a lot of stomach ache and so much tension. I cry, I toss and turn, I don't understand.
    Obviously, we think very differenly about the opposite sex and friendship. For me and anybody I've met throughout my life, I have never encountered a faithful man in his relationship having another female friend (or keeping his female friends if he has had others in the past). None of his married friends have any girl friends other than their wives. He sees her as his cousin (for me if it's not blood relation, it's definitely not a cousin).
    I have no doubt in my mind that he would ever cheat on me and that great, I'm sure a lot of women wish to have such reassurance, but my problem is of emotional kind.
    I don't know if I've told you enough. Please ask me questions to give you better insight on my situation if you need to know in order to make a conclusion.
    I am eagerly awaiting feedback.
    He is ready to move back in September and it's June now. I am scared but I also have unconditional love for the man.

    Thank you (we don't have a crying smiley?!)

     
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    Old 06-24-2006, 01:38 PM   #2
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    Hi Graciella. Is it possible that she could become a good friend of yours, too?

    It can be difficult to feel left out. I've been in that situation but decided that I would go in and expect that I'd like my husband's friends who are women - and he, my friends who are men. And we do. We say hello during phone calls and are included in lunch dates, etc. And when we can't join in, there's no problem because we each know that the other would love us to join in (grammar is getting tricky).

    I hope you can have many warm friendships that way, too.

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 01:57 PM   #3
    Graciella
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    Ahh, couple of things about your reply. But thank you first of all.
    Unlike your situation, I don't have male friends that are so important that I would keep a bond with them after I'm in a commited relationship. I guess you could say, they are just a replacement, but come the boyfriend he's the only male I like to hang out with.
    Second, friends with her? Ha...yea, I don't think so. We are very different women, different personalities. There is not much we would connect on.
    So, your suggestion is unfortunately not a solution.

    Last edited by moderator2; 06-25-2006 at 08:28 AM. Reason: If you are clearly responding to the last poster, quoting the post is not needed.

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:09 PM   #4
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    It really is a matter of personal choice whether or not to have friends of the opposite sex! Personally, I don't care for that and I would prefer my BF not hanging out with other girls without me around. It is just too complicated. You hear lots of people say that "it's just a friendship" and the next thing you know, they are sleeping together. I'm not saying it's like that always. I think each situation is different and like I said, it's a matter of choice. If he is hell bent on staying friends with her, there is really nothing you can do about it. I don't have any answers on how to deal with that,because I don't have that issue with my BF. We hang out with other couples, but as groups. Not either of us "alone" with someone of the opposite sex. If it bothers you, you have every right to feel that way.You and your BF will have to come to a decision about how to handle it. If they are truely "just friends", neither one of them should have any problem with you being around. Maybe he could talk to her with you present. If they have nothing to hide, it should not be a problem. If he (or she) has a problem with that, then obviously there is more to it than that. I am always invited along when my BF goes to his friend's house or there is some cookout or other gathering. I don't always go because sometimes I'm working or whatever. But he does want me there which lets me know he's not up to anything. And his friends' wives or girlfriends are there also. But if he were keeping time with another woman without me there or talking in private to her, I would have a problem with that.

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:13 PM   #5
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    Friendships are only that....

    The reaction you described is sort of immature. PLEASE DONT TAKE THAT AS AN INSULT...IT NOT MEANT TO BE ONE. I have always gotten along better with men, in fact that is how I met my hubby(20 years) through my best high school bud. Your bf obviously trusts and cares for this lady a great deal. You described him in such a way that I wouldnt expect anything less.
    Do you really want him to resent you for the rest of your lives because you forced him to walk away from a lifelong friend? Is his friend married, and does she live a distance away?
    By your inability to come to terms with his friendship, you are putting that relationship first, relegating your relationship to your bf to last.
    I suggest that you tell him that you are going to need some time to build some trust that they arent secretly in love with each other. Be a part of the phone calls, e-mails etc. Over time you will realize that he simply has a friend hecan confide in......she just wears a bra..

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:16 PM   #6
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    Hi there

    First of all, I don't really understand what your problem is: is it having a "female" friend in and by itself, or is it this particular individual? Has she shown any signs of disrespect to you or to yor relationship?

    If yes, let me tell you that if the man loves you enough he would be ready to get rid of anything/anyone that truly hurts you--
    If not, I think it is a bit over the top to ask him to get rid of a 13-year-old friendship just because you had unfaithful men. You need to accept him as he is and not try to change him if you really want things to work out.

    I don't want to be hard but i can't see this relationship going anywhere without compromise and understanding. He needs his freedom and he doesn't have to change something that is not in any way threatening/abusive of you.

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:25 PM   #7
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    Hi Nina,
    Well, am I being immature? That is what he says. I've tried accepting her and it never worked. I did confront her on this matter some years ago and she said I'm crazy if I think that their relationship will ever change because I came into his life? What does that tell you though? If a woman came crying to me telling me she's hurting he's confiding in me, I would feel so guilty for not having picked up on her feelings and I would retreat and probably become more friends with her than with him. I would never want to be the PROBLEM of somebody else's relationship. But then that's me, right?!
    His relationship with her is emotinally abusive for me. I suffer inside and it comes out through physical pain. I don't want it to happen, but it does. It's mental. I have no solution.

    Last edited by moderator2; 06-25-2006 at 08:28 AM. Reason: If you are clearly responding to the last poster, quoting the post is not needed.

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:27 PM   #8
    NitroChic
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    I think you should walk away from this relationship and never look back. THere is no positive solution for you interms of this friendship. If he drops her, he WILL resent you for it, and if he doesnt, you will suffer. Its a deal breaker for you.

    Suppose you had been married for 13 years, and someone demanded that he walk away from you......I wouldnt be able to respect a man that would abandon a friend after so long.

    Last edited by NitroChic; 06-24-2006 at 02:39 PM.

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:43 PM   #9
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    It is rude of her to talk to you in such an inconsiderate manner, but I think that YOU are giving her power over you by making her feel that she's important.
    Emotional abuse is the worst kind of abuse, and if this is going to last, there's no point being together, is there? After all, you coped for a while on your own.
    I suggest that you sit down with HIM and let him know that you are not happy with his friendship with this particular woman, and that you have convincing reasons not to be. Speak to him calmly and convincingly. Try to win him over to your side and understand the way you feel. You won't be able to do that unless he sees something wrong in his relationship with her though. Can you let us know what is it exactly that you don't like about her?

    Last edited by moderator2; 06-25-2006 at 08:29 AM. Reason: If it's obvious who you are responding to, quoting the post is not needed.

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:45 PM   #10
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    Straight out, if he loves you then he should accept the way you feel. Personally if that was my GF and she felt like that with a female friend of mine. I would have no hesitation to make my GF feel comfortable, no matter what I had to do. I mean this is the woman I love. If I have to confide in a women about some problems if feel that is what my GF/Fiance/Wife is there for. If there is problem I had with my better half then I'd go to one of my female family members. Even still If I had a problem with my GF/fiance/wife I would approuch her about it and raise the issue with her. That way everything is out in the clear and there are no grudges or hidden issues building up ready to explode in our face.

    So straight out, you go girl. Thats your man and let every ******* female in his life know that, especially if you plan to have a future with this person(kids, family). I think it was good that you let him know that in the begining of the relationship than later. That gives you and him the space to resolve or disolve the issue.

    I believe its not a matter of insecurities or being immature, its a matter about property rights. Thats my man or woman, if you have a problem with that, then to bad, step the [email protected]#$ off. Cuz I am holding on as tight as I can and not allowing anything or anyone get in between!!!!

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:48 PM   #11
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    I could not have said it better

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:54 PM   #12
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    I agree with the posts that said "if he really loves you, he'll do anything for you." I speak with the perspective of marriage at age 19 which has lasted over 36 years... raising kids, now enjoying grandkids. My husband and I will do anything for one another. If he wouldn't break off contact with a woman - regardless of the length of that friendship - when it obviously makes you so miserable, I say it's time to look for someone else. As long as you linger, rationalize and say he's "perfect EXCEPT this one thing that drives me INSANE" etc etc, you aren't freeing yourself to meet the one who truly COULD be perfect. Don't settle. Don't be sitting around in 5 or 10 years wondering if he's talking with her on the other phone. Don't be the wife trying to log onto her husband's email because she still wonders.... I say go, be free, thrive and find a better man. Just my opinion!

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:56 PM   #13
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    Did you actually tell him the way you feel? The physical pain that you are going through? You must have your reasons for not liking her, and please don't take him back before he sorts out his problem once and for all. If he is not bothered, you should never subject yourself to hurt at all for the sake of anyone who can't even protect you from abusive people.

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 02:58 PM   #14
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    Hi again, Nina...
    You sound like a therapist...lol. Ok, let's see where we left off. I absolutely agree with you that I think I'm giving her power by her having the knowledge that I see her as a threat and that I am uncomfortable around her. She's taking it all and does whatever she wants because she also knows that my man, X, agrees with her.
    Yes, emotional abuse is terrible, and it's not worth it, but our love is so strong. I'm confused on what's more important.
    I have talked to him about it on several occations, but I never get through to him because I make it sound like I just don't want him to talk to women period. Maybe I just have a hard time expressing what my problem is.
    Ok, so you asked what I don't like about her...Well, like I said she didn't even try to help, she just kept her relationship going with him as if nothing had happened. One day, we went to their house and they had a barbeque and we were all outside, I was trying to make the best out of it. Next thing I see is how she was playing with her kids and my man was standing around there and she lifted up his shirt and put an ice cubes on his belly to entertain the kids. I thought I would die. I mean, she knew EXACTLY how I feel. Another time, they had decorated their house and she asked him if he wanted to see the room of her kids upstairs and they went by themselves upstairs to view it. And I was so mad, I just followed them and made myself be included in the viewing but I was sick to my stomach. He didn't see anything wrong with that, I mean it's just a friend. But these are just a few of the examples. I just really can't deal with that. When I talk about it I tear out of anger that he's so ignorant and would even give me up for not losing that friendship.
    hmm....

    Last edited by moderator2; 06-25-2006 at 08:29 AM. Reason: If you refer to the poster by name, quoting the post is not needed.

     
    Old 06-24-2006, 03:14 PM   #15
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    Re: I don't even know what to title this...

    she knows exactly how you feel and she continues to act "cute" around him anyway.

    deleted: no cussing!

    Last edited by Administrator; 07-20-2006 at 11:19 PM.

     
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