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    Old 06-26-2006, 10:32 AM   #1
    Sahuja12
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    How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    I have read so many stories about mothers and how destructive they have been in their childrens' and adult childrens' lives... If people have read my posts, I have one... I have an overly possessive drama queen mother (suspected borderline) for whome EVERYTHING is about HER. She fakes illness to get attention, and is a control freak. And she is not old. She is 53. I am 27. She doesnt like my husband because he actually stood up to her at some point. She claims her overpossesivness and jealousy is out of "too much love." By this point, my dad echoes what she says like a parrot. That is all BS...She wants me to agree to everything she says and if I dont I have been brainwashed...

    My mother has greatly affected my life...Even though I am an adult I fee like a scared child. I always doubt my own decisions because I was never allowed to make them...I feel like my life is not mine, even though Im married...I liv ey life in fear and go through depressive lapses. All I want to do is run away from her, which in turn has frustrated my husband no end. He doesnt understand why and he cant because he grew up in a normal home with normal parents...

    How has your mom affected your life as an adult? What did/does she do? How do you handle it or how did you handle it??

     
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    Old 06-26-2006, 12:01 PM   #2
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    My mother is kind of person "everything should be only how it is convenient to me".
    I had a shrink which wasn't good and she liked to shout at me: "You are poorly mothered and it seems to you that world is a dangerous unfriendly place what you gonna do differently with your baby". I was trying to ask her what did she mean and she just shout same thing again and changed the topic.
    Biggest problem that she didn't want to immigrate, although I understand that it was hard call, our country was officially unfriendly to US and people who immigrated were treated as traitors and enemies. It worth to tolerate temporary pain than lived in misery we lived there.
    She liked her job and all other problems she put on people around and you tell her one thing she will tell you another. Than she will cry and ask you to do something after that she would say that she never asked you to do anything and make you look like a greedy needy person and she is somebody who lives from the air.
    Anyway when we finally came here, she was blame me for everybody and everything she dislikes here and telling lies about our life back in our country, greately exadurating her role and diminish our sufferings.
    My shrink said that mother is a poison and I should avoid her. She was always manage to say something which throw me off and make me sleep bad, talk to myself and so on.

     
    Old 06-26-2006, 12:12 PM   #3
    strongernow
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    My mom was either cold and depressed and bossy and controlling or easy going, helpful, kind, and friendly. Her persona vascillated between the two and when I grew up and I majored in a psychological field and as I took the classes I began to see the light. I informed my mom about her negative attitudes and her confusing behaviors and she has changed slightly over the years although there has been much agitation and emotional problems due to her lack of empathy. I've been trying to teach her how to empathize. Having empathy and expressing emapthy is so important in life.

    Also Galinaqt - The psychiatrist was not sensitive to you but was saying that if you raise your child around your mom it will cause more problems and destruction. But I am not sure if the psychiatrist explained that to you and helped you understand how that *might* help you. Because the goal of therapy is too help you not make you feel stupid and more anxious. And yeah it was rude when the therapist just changed the topic on you. Therapists are not supposed to do that. Very unprofessional.

    Sahuja- Your mom sounds like she has a Histrionic personality with strong narcissistic features. Wow it would be hard for any person to deal with her.

    Last edited by strongernow; 06-26-2006 at 12:16 PM.

     
    Old 06-26-2006, 12:34 PM   #4
    Sahuja12
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    Yes...She is unfortunately very difficult and is pretty much the reason for all my massive mental instability and breakdowns now...

     
    Old 06-26-2006, 12:45 PM   #5
    galinaqt
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    My mother will not tolerate any critisizm especially if it is going from kids even they are quite old now.
    These therapist didn't mean for me to raising kids around my mom but be in a way like my mom but anyway she was terrible.
    She was a type which is nice at the beginning and then use customer as an emotional punchback.
    My husband said that she was shouting on me out of frustration but then she was able to finish the session and ask me for money and time of next apointment in a normal tone of voice and I felt threaten to discuss my problems with her 'cause of histerical tone of voice she was talking to me.

     
    Old 06-26-2006, 06:35 PM   #6
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    Oh I see. Yeah that is funny how therapists can suddenly use a normal tone of voice when they want your money. Greedy and insensitive Therapist.

     
    Old 06-27-2006, 08:26 AM   #7
    galinaqt
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    This therapist was killed by crazy client she let to stay in her house in excahange of cleaning. That client said that "shrink" throw fine at her and punched her out but nobody trust her of course. I am pretty sure she was right since "shrink" was trying to provoke me to have a "verbal" fight with her. I was smart enough just do everything to get rid of her.
    Shrink's family and friends makes that shrink look saint, they gave lot of interview to the press.
    Also there were lot of information about her past and I've learned that most of her experience laid in social work which she never told me and not in psychiatry and she never was a supervisor of psychology/psychiatry unit as she claimed, which will be fine, we all people, things are not black and white in life. If she only treated me descently I would not hold it against her at all. Also she pour dirt on foreigners being far than perfect herself.

     
    Old 06-27-2006, 08:44 AM   #8
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    My mom was extremely emotionally abusive to me.

    I've been doing alot of reading about how most parents emotionally abuse their children by making them feel responsible for the parent's emotional well being.

    My mom is extremely obsessive and comulsive. She has to control everybody, and attempt to make you do everything that she feels is right. Everyone has to walk around on egg shells around her to keep her from bouncing off the walls.

    A mother walking into her sons rooml, seeing it messy and telling them to clean it up is one thing. But my mom would go into my bathroom after each shower I took and inspect every little thing in there. She would check the towel to make sure I dried myself, she would check the soap dish to make sure I washed myself, she would check to see if the toothbrush was wet, she would inspect the toilet seat to see if I had urinated on it (which I hadn't, there WAS water on it from showering though), she would go through all my school books and read all my notes all the time.

    When she felt that I hadn't showered or taken care of myself, she would scream in this way...I still remember it as if it were yesterday...and it scared me to DEATH as a child....and it still gives me chills....when I start fearing a woman...esp. if I've actually been able to get close to one (which doesn't happen often) I constantly fear they will do the same to me...

    My mom would just scream at me all the time about my shortcomings and mistakes...and never ever supported me in anything I wanted to do with my life. Yes my life is not going down the "normal" path, but it's my journey to live...not hers...and she seems to feel that my life is her life. Yes it affects others, but in the end it's still my life to live....not hers.

    She did many things that were extremely mentally unhealthy. When she and my dad divorced we went a week one and week off with my living with them. When my dad began dating my now step mom, when I was about 11, I watched my mom freak out and start checking all his messages when she came to pick me up...and THAT'S how she found out they were dating.

    Not a very good example to set for your child. The only way she knows how to "love" anything is by choking it to death and keeping it on a short leash. I'm 21 years old and an aspiring musician. Aspiring heavy metal guitarists....are almost always poor and have to work constantly around their music to survive.

    She was constantly calling me bashing every thing I do with my life. Constantly reminding me of how miserable SHE was because I chose not to go to college. Constantly reminding me of how much of a failure she believes me to be.

    It was really sick. The last time I was at her house, which was a long time ago, she had all the pictures up of her and my dad with me before they divorced...it was really...sick. Why not just keep the pictures of me or me and her up, what's with the pictures of her and my dad....that's just weird. They've been divorced for over 10 years now.

    I have EXTREMELY SERIOUS issues with women. I've only had one real girlfriend in my life. I'm terrified to even talk to women because as a child I was constantly terrified of my mom in the same way. When I DO find a love interest and we start talking 1. I constantly fear they're going to reject me for who I am, because my mom has done the same, and so that leads to 2. my getting extremely needy and clingy, and obsessive....needing to call them all the time and be constantly re-assured that they really like me and that I'm a good person...because my mom never did that for me as a child. So basically I begin doing the same thing to them that my mom did to me, so I fear it's going to be a very very long time before I find anyone to have a good, healthy relationship with...probably going to have to get serious therapy for a long time.

    Basically I've been reading things written by people who went through spiritual healing and 12 step programs for various addictions. My addictions are alcohol and love. Love addiction = Obsession. I get obsessed. Not to the point of being a stalker, I would never ever do that. But I just get really depressed and needy.

    Basically I'm beginning to realize that I was programmed backwards as a child. I felt abandoned emotionally by mom because she constantly re-assured me that I was doing everything wrong and that I was a failure...and that I was overweight and stuff. Constantly had to correct EVERY little mistake I had made. It should be a mix. You should learn when to correct, but also when to back off and allow them to fall. But the fact that my mom and I have such a terrible relationship, if we have one at all anymore, has destroyed the "love" side of me.

    I don't have many friends and I've only had one girlfriend...and I'm nearly 22. I haven't had sex since I was 17 either. I'm too anxious about women now....

    Finally this last week I had had enough of her abuse and I sent her some lengthy, nasty letters and she told me she was going to discontinue contact with me. Thank god. I need to be away from her.

    Last edited by MyPlague; 06-27-2006 at 09:01 AM.

     
    Old 06-27-2006, 08:55 AM   #9
    Sahuja12
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    Ohhh boy... Yup, I have the mom where everything is about HER...EVERYTHING!!! And how it makes HER unhappy, and how it reflects on her... Its awful...I am kind of fearing that I am getting some of those characteristics... For example, my husband got promoted and though I was proud of him, I was unhappy for myself, because it means we cant move to another state for a while which has been my life long dream...But on the other hand, I am not selfish...What I am is traumatized. My mom has put me through so much all I want to do is run away for her...

    I feel like I would be SO different if she wasnt nearby... I would REALLY be happy about stuff... Really. And I know this because everytime I am away from here (her) I am SO happy and my mind is so clear...The phsyical distance makes a big difference for me...

    And let me tell you something. People with healthy relationships with their moms just CANNOT even BEGIN to understand how it affects you as an adult...It REALLY does. My husband doesnt understand it either, because he had a healthy childhood and a healthy relationship with his parents. I wish he did...

     
    Old 06-27-2006, 09:01 AM   #10
    galinaqt
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    You seems very smart intelligent person who knows what he is doing. You are only 21. My husband came from broken house and he got married only at 42 and his brother found a serious gf in his 40th, they leave together for many years, before that he was dating only in HS.
    Be careful about therapy, didn't work for me. If you low on money chances that you find good professional is slim.

     
    Old 06-27-2006, 09:10 AM   #11
    galinaqt
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    Sahuja,
    Your feelings are very normal: you are happy for your dh but you understand that it will prevent you to move and it makes you are unhappy. Don't be tuff on yourself.

    My mother had job in my native country which gave her status, let her do stuff she likes, good schedule. It was a big reason she didn't want to immigrate while everybody else were miserable. I wish she didn't have that job.

    You are right if person haven't been in your shoes he/she would never relate.
    My brother immigrated to this country when he was 16 and he is not able to simposize poverty and discrimination I experienced in my native country. Not many people have ability to simpasize and put themselves in your shoes.

     
    Old 06-27-2006, 09:14 AM   #12
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    I've read many similarities in these posts with my own mother. It took me well into my twenties to realize that my mother still had a hold on me, and that I was carrying emotional baggage with me.
    Sahuja, I know that you think that if miles separate you and your mother, then things will heal. I thought that too. When I was 19, I moved to a completely different state away from my mother. She was gone, but her abuse still lived inside of me. I had no self esteem, nasty things she would say to me still played like a tape in my mind. She was always trying to control me, so I lived my life with no rules. I am an over-achiever, because nothing I could do was good enough in her eyes. I spent years going to therapy, reading books, joining self-help groups, seeking different religions. I am 41 now, she still has a very small part of me, but it's livable now. I thought that we would be able to come to some sort of understanding with time, but it hasn't ended up that way. I don't hate her, I see her now as the wounded child she is. Do I want to have her in my life? Not really, she's still too messed up inside and too emotionally draining to be around. I'm at the point now where we have little contact, but I hold no resentment or anger towards her, but most importantly, I feel as though I don't owe her anything. I used to feel so much guilt about that, but now I don't.

     
    Old 06-27-2006, 09:15 AM   #13
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    Oh boy, where do I start...Yes, my mother affected my life negatively in a HUGE way! I believe I would be an entirely different person if I had been raised in a loving, supportive home. My mother was extremely physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me ever since I was a baby. I don't want to write about the details of the abuse right now because it makes me very upset and I don't want to feel these feelings. But yeah, she was horrible to me, and even though the physical abuse stopped when I became a teenager, the emotional and verbal abuse continued. My mother is the reason why I often struggle with self esteem and why I periodically get depressed. I believe I'm naturally designed to be a happy and confident person, but because of years of this horrible treatment and constantly telling me and making me feel like I'm worthless, my spirit has been severely injured, though not killled entirely since I still see glimpses of it in myself. I know my mother's life was not happy at all, but it's a shame that she took her unhappiness out on an innocent child and affected my life in a negative way, possibly irreversibly I think the relationship with her also affected my adult relationships with men, as I usually tend to attract the ones who make me feel about myself just like my mother did: as if I wasn't "good enough." Although I was never physically abused in my relationships, I was certainly not treated or loved the way I deserved and since my self worth was not the best, I often blamed myself for not being treated with kindness and love. To this day, I'm struggling to become more self assured and less self critical, and to finally find a man who will make me feel like I'm wonderful and treat me like I know I deserve to be treated. It's been a constant struggle for me and I hope that one day I'm able to get over the damage caused by my mother.

     
    Old 06-27-2006, 09:17 AM   #14
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    Hi Galinaqt,

    I first have to say THANKS so much for all of your responses... I appreciate it...Yes, its hard to understand stuff like that unless you have been there...I mean, its not like I am JEALOUS of my husband or anything. I am proud of him. Very proud!!! But yes, I feel like his promotion and us buying a place puts what I want in the backseat for about 2 years. And if I talk about it, he gets annoyed and says he feels like its "hanging over his head" that eventually we will move. Well, TOO BAD I think! It's something I NEED. I dont ask him for diamonds, cars, houses, or material stuff...I just ask him, please, for my mental well being, get me away from my mom eventually... Is that too much???

     
    Old 06-27-2006, 09:31 AM   #15
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    Re: How did your negative Mom affect your life??

    You guys rock with your responses... Having a negative mom DEFINITELY affects your life as an adult. One day, it all catches up with you. I still feel like a frightened child all the time due to the way mom treated/treats me...She wants me to be a cowaring 5 year old forever...I dont want to be. But she is so strong, scary and overdramatic, I get pushed into it because I am not as strong as her....

    I know I dont feel like that kid when I am far away...I feel "unreachable." My husband has told me this. He said when i am away "I am in control." When I am here "I am a child." He finds the person in control more attractive. I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL...But find the mental inability to do so...

    I just feel like its about time I feel free. And I cant!!! I JUST cannot!! Confronting her is like banging your head on a brick wall. Just gives you more grief and drama... I am trying the method of seeing her as a messed up child... Thats all I can really do...

    My mom never physically abused me. She emotionally abused me...by being over possessive, overdramatic, playing martyr and emotionally blackmailing me and saying it was all because she loved me too much. Everything was about HER and continues to be.

    Would all of you agree that someone who hasnt been in that situation just wouldnt understand the impact of that kind of relationship?? My husband tried but is like "Snap out of it! Get over it!" I feel suffocated... Suffocated by her...Suffocated by my surroundings, and suffocated knowing that I may be in this situation for a long time...Also, I feel suffocated that my husband just things I am a whining child, as opposed to understanding that the way I am reacting is because of this severe impact...i dont blame him I suppose. I do frustrate him... Thats why sometimes I feel like I should leave him...He deserves someone more in control, and I dont know if I have the ability to be that person if my life continues on this path...

    Have your spouses/SO understood??

     
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