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  • How do you know if you're too clingy?

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    Old 07-20-2006, 10:27 PM   #1
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    How do you know if you're too clingy?

    I know that my fiance and I are a lot closer than a lot of other couples. But it's because we want to be. All through our relationship, we've always wanted to be with each other. I miss him when we don't see each other for a day, hell, I miss him just while we're both at work. And vice versa. We don't live together yet, but over the past year or so and especially since we've gotten engaged, we've seen each other almost every day, because we've both wanted to. I know I'm a little clingy. But it's because I love him so much. And most of the time, he's the same way. At times, he's been more clingy than me.

    Lately, he hasn't been coming over like before. Before, he'd stay at my house for days at a time, but recently he's been spending a night here and there, but spending the days at home and saying he needs some nights to take care of things at home. Trying to set up a new computer, cleaning the house...etc.

    I've been a little upset lately, because I've felt like he isn't as interested in seeing me as before. The other night, we had a long talk about it because I was upset and it made him upset that I felt that way. I felt so bad when he got upset that I would think he doesnt' love me as much as he used to. He said he's been dealing with a lot of crap from his dad. He told me that he's trying to get things at home in order so when we move in together, it will be easy to get his stuff out, etc. We're both teachers and on summer vacation, so now is the time to take care of those things that pile up while we're working full time. And he has major issues with his father, who is a raving psycho. My fiance, who moved back into his dad's house to help him out after his mother died, is biding his time living there until we finalize buying a house. He knows that when he does move out, his father is not going to be happy to be left alone, and there will most likely be confrontation. So having the ability to get his stuff out all at once is going to be important.

    This all makes sense, all the reasons why he's got to take care of things at home. Even him wanting time to himself to fool around with his computer. When we're together, things are fine, he still holds me and tells me he loves me as always. I will admit, he's gotten a little lazy with things like opening doors for me and buying flowers that he was so good at for the time we've been together....but that's just the natural progression of a relationship that becomes more relaxed and comfortable.

    The thing is, I cant' help it, but I still feel annoyed that he's not with me.
    I feel like some kind of clingy psycho. I keep looking at it like he'd rather work on his computer than be with me. That he doesn't have to spend the time he is cleaning and going through stuff at his house. I hate feeling like this. I don't know how to be rational and shrug it off, like my mind is telling me to do. Any advice?

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    Old 07-20-2006, 10:56 PM   #2
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    Re: How do you know if you're too clingy?

    What do you do while he is sorting his things or on the computer? Do you have other friends that you see? Do you have other activities that are yours and yours alone? I do think that while it's nice that you are more or less on the same page with him, there is a limit. It's nice to miss someone once in a while just because, as opposed to missing someone because he has to be somewhere else, like work. Have you ever spent more than a few days apart? Maybe now is the time to try that. You're getting married, and you have the rest of your lives to spend together. That's a pretty long time. Spend some time nurturing your other relationships with your family or your friends, or even trying to make new friends.

    Old 07-21-2006, 02:49 AM   #3
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    Re: How do you know if you're too clingy?

    Yeah I agree with bulletproof, it sounds like you're lacking other ways of spending your time. Do you have many friends and activities to occupy your time?

    I'm betting that because you used to spend all your spare time with your fiance, you've let other aspects of your life slip a little and now there is a void that needs to be filled while your fiance is busy with other things. Why not catch up with some friends or family, or start a new activity? The reason you feel 'clingy' is that you're wanting him to fill all your spare time because there is nothing else, which isn't really healthy in any relationship - you both need outside activities.

    Old 07-21-2006, 05:31 AM   #4
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    Re: How do you know if you're too clingy?

    It's good that you're identifying this problem now, because it will only get worse as time goes on. Right now, you are entirely too codependant on your fiance as a source of everything for you. You have no identity of your own. That does not bode well for your future, in case things with him don't work out.

    Trust me, I've been where you are. I know what it's like to have my entire identity wrapped up in someone else, and to not know what to do with myself whenever I'm not with that person. I spend 15 years this way, in and out of long term relationships, so when the last one broke up, I was at a total loss to know what to do with myself.

    The point is that you truly need to learn how to be an independant person away from your significant other. You need to learn what kinds of things you can do on your own that make you happy separate from that person. Just as someone who is single needs to learn these things, you need to learn them right now because your codependency might end up driving you both apart in the future.

    You can start by spending more time with friends and picking up a hobby or taking a class that you've always wanted to do. Your local park district probably has classes on a variety of different subjects that you could take. Take up reading or yoga or join a health club. The point is that you need to stop always depending on him to be there to do things with you, because he will start to resent that you are so dependant on him for all of your entertainment. There's no reason why you can't entertain yourself. But since you're so caught up in your relationship, you have lost sight of who you are as an independant person. That's a really bad place to be, because you're not honoring and respecting yourself.

    It's vital for you to learn to cope with times apart from him. Especially if you're going to be living together sooon. Just because you're in a relationship does not mean you have to spend every single minute of every day together. You have to lead your own lives as well. I can't stress this enough how important it is to know who you are outside of the context of the relationship and to keep that independance so that you have things to do to amuse yourself and make yourself happy whenever you're not with him all the time.

    Old 07-21-2006, 06:55 AM   #5
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    Re: How do you know if you're too clingy?

    I agree with the others, it sounds like you are way too dependant on him for any type of fun in your life and don't really have a concept of " space " in your relationship. What about other friends, hobbies, time for yourself? Do you ever just tell him that you are going off to do YOUR own thing, or do you plan your life around his schedule and sit around pining for him if he can't see you( which by the way is a bit of a turn off to most people) I enjoy my time away from my husband, sure I start to miss him after a while, but it's all good. It's so important for you to not base your whole existance on him. So he wants to play on the computer instead of seeing you once in a while, so what, he isn't allowed any interests outside of you? What are you going to do down the road if he decides that he wants to start seeing friends without you or has hobbies that don't involve you, or wants to go away for a weekend without you at some point with his friends? You need to get a life of your own, things to occupy your own time, things that don't revolve around him.

    Old 07-22-2006, 05:51 PM   #6
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    Re: How do you know if you're too clingy?

    I'm going through something similar, although we live together, we have decided we need to take a break from our relationship and have our separate lives and still hang out and have fun as friends, but you know, realign how we feel and what the source of our problems were.

    I have been talking to my dad a lot through all of this as he has had his fair share of relationship experience and he quoted the best line from any movie ever that made it just so clear to me...Yes, it is Herbie from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the quote is:

    "Let's be independent together."

    There's no better way to put it. In order for a life together to be happy and successful you each have to have your own lives as well. It's hard to do if you have been living so long not really having a separate life outside of the relationship, but it is the single most important part of a relationship I am learning. You will appreciate each other more, your time together more, and you'll be an overall happier person. Just once more for good measure, and because it's just so perfect...

    "Let's be independent together."

    Old 07-24-2006, 12:23 PM   #7
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    Re: How do you know if you're too clingy?

    I have to agree with everything said here. DH and I have a good friend, friends I guess I should say, whose girlfriend/fiancee has some of these sams issues.

    She expects to spend every waking moment with him and has even interfered with his work at times, insisting he not take sidework or overtime for extra money. Or if she does "allow" it, she calls him continuously to see where he is and when he'll be home (sidenote, I'm not saying you do this, just that she reacts similarly to you in that she would rather he be with her all the time.) He is also pretty much forbidden to do things that interest him like fishing, hunting, hanging out doing guy stuff. It used to be slight discouragement from engaging in his hobbies, now she downright forbids him or uses manipulation to get him to stay at home.

    I think it's great when two people love each other and want to spend time with each other but the problem with spending ALL your time together is you lose sight of the outside world. You lose out on developing yourself as a person, an individual, and risk having nothing to offer other people. You need friends and hobbies so that you don't depend on your BF so much, which can be a huge demand on anyone. He may be burnt out, he may feel like he needs some space and rightly so. Your BF and you both deserve to be your own people!

    Our friends' relationship is being killed by her suffocation... and it's a horrible thing to see. While it may start out as simply missing someone, or being genuine in your desire to spend a lot of time together, it seems it can progress into a control issue. Not everyone I'm sure, but in the few cases I've seen it does.

    Good luck and try to get out there and find things to fill your freetime without your BF! Before you know it, you will be even more appreciative of your time together because when you enjoy your life, everything else seems so much sweeter!

    Old 07-24-2006, 02:23 PM   #8
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    Re: How do you know if you're too clingy?

    thanks for all the replies, I appreciate the input and definitely know that they are all very good points.

    I think that what we're going through has a lot to do with being ready to live together, but not being there'll be another couple of months before we do move in together. Once we do, knowing that we come home to each other at the end of the day will be good.

    We've certainly both kept our own lives and interests. He's in a band and has practices with them a couple of nights a week. He goes out with the guys whenever he wants to, just got back from a bachelor party in Vegas. A lot of my friends live a distance away so I take day trips to visit them, or stay for a couple of days, or they visit me, and we go out. I sing with a community chorus, and while we take a summer break from it, keeps me busy when it's in season. I spend time with my parents and my brother, work out on a regular basis. I don't feel bored and I don't feel like all of my time and effort are put solely into him. Sure, I saw more of my friends before we met, and same with him. But considering what I've seen some of my friends do when they've suddenly started seeing someone, I feel like we've done a pretty good job balancing it out.

    I try and analyze it, and think some of it has to do with different personalities and habits. I'm a very low-stress, laid back person. I don't let things bother me, and at the end of the day, I'm not someone who needs to cool off and take a breather, because I haven't gotten myself wound up during the day. My fiance, on the other hand, tends to be tense and stressed throughout the day, and likes to kick back and relax, ya know, sit around in his boxers and play a couple of hours of video games to de-stress And while he wants to see me, he can't exactly come over to my parents' house and do it Does he overdo it sometimes? Yeah, he probably does--6 hours at a computer without moving is probably a little excessive. But I shouldn't get bent out of shape about it either, because who wants a whiny little thing saying "you like your video games more than me!" when it does happen. I get a little sick of that "hey, I'm a guy, guys are stupid sometimes, they get wrapped up in games, they forget they said they were going to come over, they forget they told you they'd call to say good night" I don't think he does these things on purpose, but as a girl, it's probably a natural reaction to think that forgetting to call, forgetting he said he would come over at 4 instead of 9, being wrapped up in a game all night means that a guy isn't thinking about her, that he doesn't miss her, that if he loves her sooo much, he wouldn't do those things. It probably evens out somewhere.

    I feel like we both know what we have to do to keep our relationship strong without suffocating each other. Sometimes, I do think we could do a better job. But I do think that we have the right idea, and that the whole thing will get much, much easier when we move in together and not have the worry of moving between two houses.

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