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really need some advice. (long)

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Old 07-23-2006, 08:12 AM   #1
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really need some advice. (long)

Hi all.

I am really confused here, and any advice , or insight would be so welcome.

My boyfreind (of about five years ) have had many rocky times, have split up many times...but some how always find our way back to each other, because when its all said and done we do love each other....we just have to learn to be in a healthy relationship, and this is what our plans are. Actually we have agreed to go to couseling together once a month to learn the proper tools.

By the way we are not kids, both on our 40's just taking a long time to get it right.


the last time we split up, we both thought it was over, it was actually me that ended it, and I hurt him deeply. He started to see another woman, they had known each other for a few years, she had admitted to him that she liked him from the first time they had met. (At that time him and I were together , and she was married, )

They only were seeing each other a short time, had fooled around but didnt go all the way.When I realized what a mistake I made, and how much I missed him, and wanted him back. It took some major convincing on my part to get him to even think about it. Not that he didnt still love me, just the past hurts, he didnt know if I was sincere, or just wanted him so no one else could.

This was not at all the case, I looked at myself hard, and realized what I needed to change.....we both needed to try harder, We decided to get back together, and make it right. We went off on a holiday together, had a great time...things were good.

The two of them continued to see each other as freinds , he said he felt bad that he hurt her, he wanted to help her with firewood, and fencing etc. He often said the two of us had a lot in common and that I would like would however be impossible for the two of us to actually ever be be freinds, she was clear that she didnt like me, and was upset that I came and took him away.....

This realationship really started to bug me, I felt insecure although he said that he loved me, and not her, I did feel that she was getting in the way, I know that he talked to her about some of his problems with me, no doubt she collaborated with him about what a btch I was , and had been....this was a no good situatation for the two of us to get our realationship back on track. He told me that she said she felt the two of us together would never work.

Finnally I told him to choose between us, he picked me, and said they would stop talking.

about two months later ( call it womans intuition ) I knew they were still freinds, I denied that they were still involved...but I felt it inside that they were, I felt that he was really not with me....One day I borrowed his truck, hi scell phone was in it still, something that I have never done before, I checked his history , and sure enough her # was all over the place, incoming and outgoing. I was mad, but more sad, I admitted to him that I invaded his privacy, I told him that I seen the callls, I told him that I knew I couldnt control who was in his life, but that he was either with me or her, if he wanted to continue seeing me, that he had to tell her, and tell her that they needed to stop their relatioship,he said that he wanted to keep me and that he would tell her. So he talked to her about it....promised me that their would be no more contact.

Flash forward about two months....again the womans intuition that hes still in contact, I sneak his cell phone bill ( his history on the cell is now always emty ) and there she is again. They are still talking....often. I tell him to tell her its front of me so I know , or I am gone, he said he would do this. Its been four days , and there is always an excuse not to call her. now he wont do it in front of me, says he,ll do it I being a fool ? I love him, we are planning to marry.... I believe he loves me , I believe that they havent been physical since weve been back together, but somehow they still have a hold on each other.

Am I being too insecure, and controlling ? I have been cheated on before by my ex-husband, dont want to go through these feelings of doubt any more.

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Old 07-23-2006, 09:55 AM   #2
Join Date: Jul 2006
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Bracelet HB User
Re: really need some advice. (long)

There's no reason to continue this charade. He will always continue calling her, it's obvious, since you have repeatedly asked him to stop and he hasn't. Your only option is to break it off and find someone who will respect your wishes and not go behind your back with some other woman.

You already know you deserve better than this, so why are you putting up with it? The guy said he picked you, but he's made it clear that he's not willing to give up the other woman. So you may think he loves you, but it doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too, and you're totally letting him. Don't let yourself be used that way. You don't need to put up with that from anyone. Especially not some guy who lies and goes behind your back like that. That's not a foundation on which to build a strong marriage. You already know that, I know you already know that.

Old 07-23-2006, 10:06 AM   #3
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: houston tx usa
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punkybear HB User
Re: really need some advice. (long)

No, I personally don't think you are wrong. I can't believe how similiar your situation is to one of mine. This sounds almost exactly like a situation I have been in. I am 27 and from when I was 18 to about 25, I had a very similar relationship. We were on and off again, best friends, love of each others' lives. . We also had a problem knowing how to be in a healthy relationship. We felt very passionately about each other which can go both ways. We were either deleriously happy or fighting. We fought A LOT!! A lot of our friends had just had it with us and thought we should break up for good but they didn't understand how we felt about each other. When we broke up it felt like my world was ending. Anyhoo, enough of the history... during one of our off times he started seeing this girl who turned out to be PSYCHO! We got back together (I kind of came in and "stole" him back, too, but I didn't feel this was the case because he was "mine" for so long probably how you felt) she said she understood and he told me he wanted to still be friends with her because she had so many problems. Boo hoo. I agreed and was ok with it partly because I was so happy to have him back. This was the longest break we had ever had, btw. And he did have a history of being unfaithful to me. Well, she called all the time bawling about this or that and finally I couldn't take it anymore told him that I was female and saw right through what she was doing and I didn't want him to talk to her anymore. I also have a strong hunch he complained to her about me. She didn't have other friends she could call? This just became such a problem and finally he agreed to stop talking to her. Well, one night his cell phone was sitting on the couch and he was asleep and it was just taunting me sitting there so I looked through his phone and found some provocative text messages back and forth between those two. I was furious and devestated! We broke up over this for good, he has moved away, and I haven't seen or heard from him for over a year. We finally cut the cord. I'm sorry I don't have great advice for you, I was just amazed at the similarity of our stories and reading your post brought up all those old feelings. I'm not saying your relationship is just like ours, however it sounds similar. I am in a new relationship now and so glad the drama is out of my life! Good luck and keep me posted.

Old 07-23-2006, 09:20 PM   #4
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Re: really need some advice. (long)

thank-you both for your responses. Punkey Bear, it is amazing how similar our situations are. Im glad for you that things are better.

Today he called her, I wasnt present for the conversation, but he said to me that he told her that I felt threatened by her , and he needed to be fair to me, and end their calls... We will see, I guess that at this point I need to see how it goes....even if I dont trust completley, I'll try and keep that to myself , but check on him too....even though I know that its wrong to be with some-one that you are not totally trusting with.And besides he will be onto me about his bills , and phone...

I do have to look at the whole thing though...for years I wouldnt totally comitt to him, and he was torn up....he wanted more from me than I was able to give (he came into my live right after I seperated from my husband, which was very painful for me. I knew I needed time to heal this, but he made life too easy for me....subconsciously I think I blamed him for being in the way )

That was a long time ago, I am very over my now ex-husband, but I think that in some way I am being paid back for hurting him. Some how the roles have reversed.

It is a difficult relationship.....but I'm miserable without him.....I am giving it another last shot, but this time I am doing it wholeheartingly, I am hoping that if I change...he will to , and finnally we can be happy together.

Old 07-23-2006, 09:41 PM   #5
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 678
Bracelet HB User
Re: really need some advice. (long)

How many more times are you going to tell him to stop, only to have him turn around and call her again? Just in your first post, you said he did it 4 times!!!! Seriously, that's 4 times too many! You have to decide whether you want to live this way, with a liar/cheater who will continue to keep calling her behind your back, or if you want to dump this guy and find one who will NOT be lying to you every chance he gets.

But hey, you'll ultimately do what you want to do, regardless of what anyone here says. All I'm saying is - you have to start looking at this for real and deciding how much more you're going to put up with. How many more times are you going to let this happen before you finally decide that it's enough? Only you can make that decision for yourself. But as for me, I would have given him one chance and if he screwed up and called again, he'd be kicked to the curb faster than he could dial her number again. But see, I've realized that I deserve better in my life than that kind of treatment by any guy, so I don't put up with any of this kind of behavior anymore.

I also just read your other post about his abusive alcoholism, and now I'm starting to wonder why you are so willing to stay with someone who is ruining your life so much? It sounds like life with him is pure hell, because he's always yelling at you or otherwise being verbally abusive. If THAT is the case for sure, then wow - let this other woman have him, what the hell do you want with an abusive alcoholic who cheats and lies? This is not a catch, this is a guy who doesn't deserve to have a relationship with anyone until he resolves his serious issues.

Wow. That just takes all of this on a whole new level. I would strongly advise you to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. For your own safety and that of your daughter, I'd say get the hell out of there and don't look back.

Last edited by Bracelet; 07-23-2006 at 09:47 PM.

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