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    Old 07-26-2006, 07:23 PM   #1
    pmaapl
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    Married w children but found another

    I made a comment on another post but figured I'd start a new thread.

    I'm 32, met my wife in college, known her for 12 years, been married for 7 of them. We have 2 wonderful girls, ages 4 and 2. 4 months ago, I found this old high school friend online. I met her in 8th grade and had a crush on her. We began talking and found she had a crush way back then too. Wow, I couldn't believe it. She recently broke up with her BF and I offered advice thru it. We flirted in emails and online chats and I could feel us becoming closer. She lives 2 hours from me in the same town my parents live in.

    I wanted to meet her and do lunch. I went to visit my parents and met up with her while I was there. It was wonderful. We kissed. Since then I met up with her 2 more times. We have so much love and affection towards each other...something that I feel has been missing in my marriage.

    We email each other daily now and chat online several times a week. We've said we love each other and want to be with each other. All this is great except I have a wife and children. Wow, what to do? I'm in love with this woman and believe she could be the greatest love of my life.

    I do love my wife..she's a wonderful person and excellent mother. I adore my kids - they need me and I need them. I'm missing some love and affection from my marriage and I know some may say I should try and work it out. The problem is, I don't think I want to.

    I feel the right thing to do is to leave the affair and continue with my family and trying to work everything out. But, should I continue doing what is right for someone else and not taking care of me? Very tough decision because I'm a responsible parent who wants to do the best for his children.

    I really need some advice.

     
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    Old 07-26-2006, 07:34 PM   #2
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    I advise you that you remain with your wife. You love her and you love the children she has given you. I think that if you love both of these women you must then make your decision based on the fact that you don't want to hurt your kids.

     
    Old 07-26-2006, 08:45 PM   #3
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    You need to make a choice. You are hurting your family and they don't even know it yet. If you decide to stay with your wife and you tell her the truth she may make the decision to leave you. If she decides to forgive and try to forget, nothing will ever be the same, of course you could decide to stay and take the secret to your grave, and hope to heaven that noone ever mentions it again.....good luck....or she could forgive, forget, work out a way you can get what you need from the relationship you have.

    Have you tried to liven up your relationship you have with your wife, you say this gf makes you feel something missing from your relationship with your wife, but have you tried to change your relationship to be what you need? Your wife may not even realize you think something is missing. It may be something shes willing to change or may not, but your not really being fair to her by not giving her the chance. (doesn't mean tell her someone else is giving you this) You shouldn't expect her to be psychic and know what you want, when you want it, you have to communicate, innitiate what you need, hopefully she would be receptive and you can have a complete and happy realtionship with her.

    You also have to think of the kids, if shes a nice person and a great mother, that pretty much only leaves selfishness as a reason to destroy 3 lives.

    you have lots to think about, but until you come to a decision you probably shouldn't see the girlfriend, its not fair to anybody. Somebody gets to get hurt no matter what you decide. Good Luck.

     
    Old 07-26-2006, 11:33 PM   #4
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    If I were you, I would think long and hard about this. You have a lot to lose here. The problem with a lot of people in these situations is that they think the grass is greener on the other side. Well, what happens when you get there? This girl may have been a high school sweetheart or whatever, but you exchanged vows with someone else. You made a promise to your wife. Your wife has birthed your children. You've spent the last 12 years building your life and future with your wife. You've started a family. Is this "other woman" worth destroying everything that you've built so far?

    Just think about this. If you left your wife, most likely she would get custody of the children since she is such an excellent mother. You would be more or less given a schedule of dates that the children can be with you. You know how that would make you feel. Think about how that would make your children feel!!! You may be a full time provider with child support, but in the eyes of your children.......you would be labeled as a part time dad. Mom would be the one always there with them. They would see all this.

    I have never been through a divorce myself, nor do I come from a broken home. But, my husband whom I've been happily married to for 13 years came from a broken home........and he always said as a kid, he had his mom......and a part time dad. He remembers his mom being there for everything. His dad was only there every other weekend.

    Walking away from the other woman is only going to hurt her, maybe yourself for a while. But, walking away from your wife will hurt not only her, but the children.........and down the line...........most likely you!!! Think long and hard about this. Save your marriage. Your children need you more than this other woman.

    Now, if your marriage was bad, then I would say by all means end it because it isn't good for the kids to be in the middle of a bad relationship. But, it doesn't sound like that is the issue at all. It sounds like your kids live in a loving environment. Let them remain in it.

    Best wishes!!! I hope you make the right decision.

     
    Old 07-26-2006, 11:35 PM   #5
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    Wait, so does this girlfriend even know you're married with two kids? Suppose she doesn't. Tell her, then watch her reaction. It'll be a good one, I promise.

    Okay, suppose she does, and you end up leaving your family for her. Then I find it unlikely that she'd be looking for anything permanent with you. Seriously, would you marry someone who left their seemingly healthy family for a middle school crush? Who'd want to be in that situation? Moreover, how would she know that it wouldn't happen again to even HER sometime down the road? Afterall, she DID just end a relationship. For all we know, you could just be the rebound.

    I think you're letting the thrill of this new/old crush blind you from reality. Think for a second how things would be if you left your family for her, and in 5 months it abruptly ends because one of you realizes it isn't working out. It seems enticing to you now because the "spark" in your life has returned in the form of another woman, but this is a path you need to avoid, not only for your family, but hell, for yourself. You don't want to be "that guy" who had everything but threw it all away for something that was destined to be temporary at most. It'd be shameful.

    Hey, but I might be wrong! What if this fling works out? Great for you, not great for your wife and kids. I wouldn't bet my family on the odds of this fling materializing into something fruitful. Your kids will grow up knowing what you did, and they'll never learn to respect you as their father. Is that how you want them to view you for the remainder of your life, and probably long after? Not if you "need them" as you said. Think of it as trading 3 loves and your dignity for 1 crush that has a slight chance of working out. No matter how you look at it, the deal just sounds sour.

    Like the previous posters said, what you've already done is unfair and selfish. But it's still manageable as long as you discontinue seeing her, and hope dearly that the truth never leaks - in many people's books, you cheated on her even before the kiss.

    Work it out with the wife. You didn't fall in love with her and exchange marital vows only to go back on them because you've got issues with your love life. Something like that may not be trivial, but it takes persistence and courage from you to show that it can be resolved.

     
    Old 07-27-2006, 12:07 AM   #6
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    this girl may not be the love of your life, it is just something new and exciting, once the excitment is over, you might loose her and your wife, be careful nothing good becomes of adultry.

     
    Old 07-27-2006, 05:06 AM   #7
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    To this day I don't know what kind of woman would want a married man with 2 kids. Is the other woman even aware that you are married?

    Women who choose to be with married men have their own issues. For one, they think the married man will someday leave their former wives and end of with them. Most of the don't. I often think they have low self esteems and many other issues.

    I would never tell you to leave your wife - esp. after you say that YOU LOVE HER! However, I think you need to look inside yourself to see why you think it is ok to treat your wife and children in this way. You are already having an affair - even if it is only emotional (you didn't say if you slept with this woman).

    Do you expect to leave your family, go with this other woman, and leave the kids with your wife? It won't be that easy - and you will say that you plan to still see your kids and will support them. HA! Divorce is never this smooth. You will be majorly hurting your kids - making them share weekends with parents, having to split holidays, having to pay child support, etc. Is that what you want for your family?

    I suggest you think about your kids first in all of this. I am sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but I just have little tolerance for cheating or affairs. Your wife should too.

     
    Old 07-27-2006, 06:45 AM   #8
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    I want to thank you all for your posts. I'm really happy that I found this forum and people were willing to respond.

    Some comments based on some questions:
    Does the OM know about my marriage and kids? Yes she does and is completely fine with it.
    Had I tried to work it out? I've had conversations with my wife and changes were temporary. I do have to admit, that I have not put 100% into it.
    The kids - That is the tough part. I think I would get Joint physical custody if it came to divorce and it could work out good. But, you're right, divorce is never that smooth.
    The crush - Yep, this is sure great because its new. I do honestly believe it would continue.
    Does the OM have relationship problems? This could be true and I won't really know til I get there.

    Again thank you all. I know I have some hard thinking to do...or do I and I'm just letting this fling continue just because it's fun and exciting? My marriage isn't bad but in some ways I feel like I won't love my wife as much as when we started and I'd just be going with the flow of family life forever. On the other hand, I did make a promise at marriage that I would stick with her thru good times and bad and I would consider this a bad time.

    You're posts have been helpful and I'm starting to realize that this is just an exciting fling and I need to get back to my family life.

    Thanks again.

     
    Old 07-27-2006, 07:11 AM   #9
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    I think you need to drop the affair. You say you love your wife, love your kids, need them, are responsible. Act like it. Love and affection are missing from your marriage, eh? Work towards getting it back. Talk to your wife about what you feel is missing, get counseling if necessary, take a vacation just the two of you.

    Who's to say you dump your family, get a divorce and end up with this woman, that the love and affection won't fade away there, too? Then what do you have?

    I also can't help but wonder about this other woman. If she knows you're married with kids to a good mother and wife, what does that tell you? If she's okay with having a part in breaking up a marriage, freaking out your kids, does this sound like a woman you'd want any sort of commitment with?

    What if the shoe were on the other foot, and your wife found somebody she had a crush on in middle school and you were just in the dark about this?

    I think you're jumping and gun and thinking with the wrong head. You need to make every effort to fix what's wrong with your marriage -- which sounds like a very easy fix, BTW, if it's just feelings of love and affection has died out...I think it happens in every marriage at one time or another -- before you go off and find someone else.

    I don't know, tho. The more I think about this, I don't think your wife deserves you at all. Maybe you should just end it with your wife, so she has the opportunity to still find someone who won't do this to her and your kids have a real man to look up to and learn from.

    Like other posters, I, too, have very little tolerance for cheaters. Sorry if my post is harsh, but it's about as nice as I can make it.

     
    Old 07-27-2006, 08:18 AM   #10
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    Hi there,
    I guess that you are trying to convince yourself that your wife can't offer you what this new girl does. Like you yourself admitted, you didn't try, or even want, to add the spark to your marriage life! And the truth is, like other post suggested, that excitement will wear off no doubt and your new relationship will once again look all boring and normal. Also, what kind of happy life do you expect with a girl who is willing to kiss and meet up with a married man with very young kids living with him? Do you honestly think that she is head over heels after 12 years or whatever? She has no better chances, that's my my guess.

    My advice is try to be loyal to your family if you *can* and if your wife did nothing wrong to enrage you. Go with her on a holiday, do something to explore whether you truly ran out of passion, or whether you are only illusioned with your new relationship. Definitely give your marriage (children) a chance. They deserve to have a dad that they will be proud of.

    Last edited by Nina000; 07-27-2006 at 08:20 AM.

     
    Old 07-27-2006, 08:57 AM   #11
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    I think you are maybe approaching mid life crisis, a bit early I know! you have been with your wife twelve years, with 2 lovely happy kids. You say you love them all, but the spark has basically gone, your bored! but this happens with just about every relationship after time, it is called life.

    If you were really unhappy, had a horrid wife, auguments in front of the kids constantely, I would say split for the sake of the kids! but you seem to have a comfortable relationship with your wife, just lacking a bit of spark!

    Think back to when you first met your wife, and to the way you felt then, and compare to how you feel about this present lady you have been seeing, is the spark and exicitment equal, or do you feel more for this lady then you have ever felt for your wife?

    You see I think you see this new lady as an escape from the hundrum of your life, but the reality is, if you left your wife, after a couple of years, this may not just turn into another boring relationship, but also unhappy, full of regret, and is she loyal, and would she be faithful to you?

    You say you love her, but sorry you don't really know her, do you? you are going back to your youth of when you had a crush on her! you remember the relationship in your head, and you have picked it up from back then, but the reality is people rarely live up to the dream.

    If you are truely out of love with your wife, and can split ammicably, then I for one don't believe in staying with someone you are not in love with for the sake of the kids. But having said that, if the thought of leaving was never there before meeting up again with your past crush, then I would say, work on your marraige, and not to give up on something, just for this other woman who may end up a disappointment.

    Ask yourself, if this other woman suddenly lost interest in you, met someone else for instance, would you still be contemplating leaving your wife?

    Don't make any hasty decisions

    Last edited by brook65; 07-27-2006 at 08:59 AM.

     
    Old 07-27-2006, 09:05 AM   #12
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    Just so we're clear here;
    What part of "For Better or for Worse" in your wedding vows are you forgetting about?
    Marriage is a lifetime commitment and a reason to break one up don't seem to include "wonderful wife & mother" last I knew....

     
    Old 07-27-2006, 10:55 AM   #13
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    Lightbulb Re: Married w children but found another

    I can see both sides of the coin here....marriage gets mundane and "ordinary" as time goes on. Then, enter kids. The day to day struggles of bills,problems, and all that can strain even the happiest couple. I agree with jenna about being harsh on this guy, after all, at least he is man enough to come on here and seek advice and help. Right now, he is thinking the grass is greener. It's new and exciting. Deep down, he probably does think "she's the one" who got away. Without being judgemental, I just want to say to this guy,that this is probably not going to happen like you think it is! First off, you are married with family obligations. You say you have two girls. Is this the kind of father figure you want them to grow up seeing? Dad leaving Mom for a fling? My dad did the same thing to me and my mother. Now, after divorce #3, he's sad and alone. All of his "true loves" have gone on to marry other men. But each time, he was convinced that "she is the one". I'm currently seperated (soon to be divorced) because my husband met his true love online. She was everything he ever wanted....including married with 3 kids of her own! Well, now that's completely fizzled out and he's alone , living with his mommy, sad and depressed. He calls constantly wanting me back, telling me how beautiful I am,how I'm his soul mate, blah..blah..blah! And you know what? I'm not having any of it! He blew it! My point? Things aren't always what they seem. Think about this......seeing your wife and kids one day spending time with another man after getting on with her life. And your relationship with this woman stale at best and you regretting ever leaving your wife. Are you ready for that? Right now, you're thinking of you and this other woman and how lovely all of it is. But reality has a way of slapping you in the face.....HARD! Just my opinion I guess, but if I were you, I'd leave her alone and forget this infatuation. You have way too much to lose.

     
    Old 07-27-2006, 11:25 AM   #14
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    PM-
    You asked for opinions and advice, so here's mine-

    I don't know if you deserve to have the love of a wife when you are willing to cheat on her just because you met up with a girl you had a crush on back in 8th grade. You also say that this other woman knows about your wife and kids and is fine with it, so she is just as much as a homewrecker as you are.

    You say you love your wife but something is missing? YES something IS missing- your love and devotion to her! There are so many people, men and women alike who are happily married UNTIL they allow feelings for someone else in. Then, they decide, "Well, something was missing anyways. I've not been totally happy in my marriage before anyways." I call bogus on that because if something truly was wrong before meeting up with this other woman, then surely you would have been working on it before since you say you are so concerned about your children.

    You have these wonderful new feelings for this girl because you are remembering the freshness and excitement of young crushes! You had a crush on her when you were children! You are both adults now, and two different people than you were before.

    I can't even begin to imagine a woman being ok with coming in and having an affair with a married man who has children. Sounds like she has no respect for your children or herself. What kind of example would she be around those children if she is willing to help break their hearts?

    And as far as joint custody goes? I don't know what state you are in because I didn't even look to see if it's posted, but seriously, do you think it's possible when you chose to betray the marriage? My first husband chose to do what you are doing now, and he got "ZIP' as far as custody goes. I have sole custody of my daughter and had it from the get go.

    I hope and pray that you come to your senses and realize what you are doing and try and correct it. This really isn't fair to your children and wife. Also, this other woman being perfectly fine with breaking up a marriage might be some indication of just how seriously she considers "commitment". Doesn't sound like she considers it at all, so you might find her cheating on you one day. IMHO.

    Good luck with this situation. I hope this doesn't sound really harsh and cold, but really, you have to think about what you are doing. I've been on the recieving end of an adulterous affair and I saw what it did to my child. It hurt her immensely, and she was very young when it all happened. Kids deserve much better than that.

    Last edited by ozzybug; 07-27-2006 at 11:26 AM.

     
    Old 07-27-2006, 11:44 AM   #15
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    Re: Married w children but found another

    Being a man would be him admitting to his wife what he is doing and/or ending the fling now. Being a man would be going to counseling or focusing on ways to save your marriage.

    Being a man is not cheating on your spouse and KISSING another woman. We can't overlook that he has been intimate with this woman to a certain extent.

    It is easy admitting this when you are anonymous on a message board! However, I think him seeking some help is a step in the right direction.

     
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