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    Old 08-10-2006, 06:01 AM   #1
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    wife cheated

    Hi i am 23 and my wife is 19 she was never and out going person until resently when she started working then she went clubbing every weekend and i allowed her to go coz i trusted her but know i found out that she had a one nite stand the thing is she has never had anyone but me and to her the whole experience was a misery and she felt like she was not there when it happened she was dry when they had sex however she did make out with him a couple of times and they were really passionate when they were making out accept when the sex part came she froze and dried up and it was even painful becoz of the way she was dry the thing is this i want to forgive her but cant stop thinking about them together i know she will never do it again firstly is there women that have experienced what she experience when they made luv on a one nite stand and what should i do i really love her help anyone

     
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    Old 08-10-2006, 06:49 AM   #2
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    Re: wife cheated

    Was she drunk? (not like that is an excuse) I believe that once a cheater always a cheater, you just don't do that to someone you love.

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 08:13 AM   #3
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    Re: wife cheated

    well, drunk or not, she cheated! And the sad part is, you trusted her! This is exactly why I get so irritated when you hear people say "well, it's ok if my SO goes out to bars without me because I trust him/her"....hmmmmmmmm. Sorry, but there is too much temptation at places like that. People are drinking,gyrating all over each other, and lord knows what else. Could she have cheated anyway without going to a bar? Of course! But I'm saying that it's too tempting in an atmosphere like that and if a person goes they should take their SO! Now, the "dry" part! TMI!!! Is she trying to talk her way out of this because she "froze up"?? Well, sorry, she STILL let it get to that point! And I agree that once a cheat, always one! What happens next time when she's "good and wet"??? I would really reconsider being with her at this point!And what about the diseases she may be exposing you to? NOT good!

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 08:23 AM   #4
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    Re: wife cheated

    I think that people can get through cheating - if you really love each other and determine what caused it to happen, fix it accordingly and begin to rebuild the trust you have lost. It's a rarity, yes, but it does happen.

    You have to ask yourself, can I get over this to an extent that it won't continue to be a pain point in my marriage? Am I going to bring it up constantly, refer to it when we fight or argue, throw it in her face or be so controlling or jealous that it becomes unhealthy for you? If you answer yes to any of those, you would be better off ending it.

    Toxic relationships are no good for either person and should be ended. Sometimes people do make mistakes and I don't agree that every single person who has cheated is always going to be a cheater. That's too broad a brush to paint people with... I would suggest if you want to try to stick it out to seek counseling. Getting through that will be hard alone and a counselor can provide a roadmap, if you will.

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 11:42 AM   #5
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    Re: wife cheated

    I really dont believe the "being drunk" as an excuse..trust is a big issue in a relationship and believe me, its hard to get back..and from my experience, "once a cheater, always a cheater" is right. My ex bf cheated once, i forgave him and he cheated continuously after that. When your drunk, you dont really care what you do, but you are very much aware of what you are doing..she took a vow to you and broke that and if i got married and cheated on, that would be the end for me. The previous poster is right that some ppl do regret it very much and the couple can work through it, but that was never the case for me and either way, you should have some big trust issues to work on with her because the first time cheating is always the hardest..it only gets easier to cheat if you do forgive her for her mistake...im sorry this happened to you, its very hard but i hope things work out the best for you. If its meant to be, it will..

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 12:00 PM   #6
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    Re: wife cheated

    Honestly, you guys are way too young to be married. Especially her. She is quite clearly not ready to commit to just one man for the rest of her life (and at only 19, I can't say I blame her). She wants to get out and party and meet people and fool around and flirt just like most young adults. You guys REALLY need to sit down and have a talk. You have to ask her if she really is ready for marriage and ready to be with you and only you for the next sixty or so years. From her behavior, it doesn't seem like it.

    Maybe the one night stand made her realize that she loves you after all. Or maybe it made her realize that there is a lot more of the world she is aching to get out there and experience. Look, your bond is going to have to be pretty freakin' strong for this thing to work out. Both of you will have to want to work on it and preserve it, and actively try to do so.
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    Old 08-10-2006, 12:19 PM   #7
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    Re: wife cheated

    Being drunk is not an excuse to do the dirty on a partner. I get so angry when people use lame excuses to try to do justice to what they have done. Everyone makes mistakes, but I class mistakes as for example 'Crashing a car', 'Falling off a bicycle' etc. Not hurting someone you are supposed to love!

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 08:28 PM   #8
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    Re: wife cheated

    Sorry to hear about what happened. It's unforgivable, and will haunt you for the rest of your life if you stay with her. My suggestion to you is akin to previous posters, and although it must hurt greatly to hear it, leave her. She cheated, and things won't get any easier from here on out.

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 10:05 PM   #9
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    Re: wife cheated

    ok well i would like to say i got with my bf young , 18 he was 23 at the time when i was 20 or so ,i started going out getting into the party scene and i cheated . my bf is everything to me always has been i got caught up in the moment of nothing with someone else .went against everything i ever thought i would do , was always very strong and level headed about things .but i had never been in a serious relationship he had , he was ready to settle down and i didnt know what was going on i convinced myself that he was distant from me even though it was the other way around..... so i told him the truth about everything leaving nothing out not blaming him for anything .evntho there were some probs in our relationship it still didnt give me the right .anyways i am hear to say we talked it over and worked through it slowly ,talking about the things that led up that point apologizing to wits end .i broke his heart but time heals .we've now been together 5 yrs and have a child together , we just stuck by each other he and i both know it will never happen again ., so i guess what i am trying to say is there is hope for u i think she needs to fess up to the whole thing and be willing to work through it .u may never forget but u have to see her and ur relationship for the love u have . ur married for God sake .... believe or not we actually joke about it sometimes and he still lets me go out with my friends and everything if u have any shred of hope then i say go for it .but its honestly her move to make .

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 10:51 PM   #10
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    Re: wife cheated

    JustMe83, that was an interesting post, being able to look at things from the other side of a situation like this. I think if both parties WANT to work it out, then there could be a happy ending. It all depends. Having sex with another person doesn't necessarily have to be the immediate end of a relationship.

    Quote:
    Being drunk is not an excuse to do the dirty on a partner. I get so angry when people use lame excuses to try to do justice to what they have done.
    Therag, I certainly agree with you up to a point. A lot of the time, being tipsy or drunk just gives people the little extra push to go ahead and do what they have it in their mind to do anyway. But then again, it is possible to let yourself get SO totally inebriated that you really do lose control of yourself and do things that you most certainly would NOT have done if you were sober, or at the very least not as drunk. I'm talking about a stage where you are barely conscious and heading for a black out. There is a difference between that level of extreme intoxication and just having had a couple of beers. Of course, there is no way to know what level the OP's wife was at.
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    Old 08-11-2006, 01:27 AM   #11
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    Re: wife cheated

    Hi people thank u for all the in put i really needed it the thing is this i treated my wife badly in the past i emotionally abused her as i was very very jealous and extremely insecure but i always gave my wife the benefit of the doubt however this guy just said the write things at the right time and swept her off her feet not in a loving way it was just something she did not get at home coz honestly i took her love for me for granted how ever i know she regrets it coz she has some major issues as she cant forgive her self and thinks of her self as not being a lady she hates her self she feels cheap and does not even want to look men in the face and i spoke to the other guy and he told me she stopped everything then and there to tell you the truth i feel sorry for my wife for what she is going thru ity is a difficult time in her life right now and i have already forgiven her the thing is thats stopping our relationship is that she cant forgive herself and even for me forgiving her so easily what can i do my wife does love me and i feel i brought this upon myself however she is a big girl and it was her decision so do you think theres hope for us and they used a condom is there still risks involved please help

     
    Old 08-11-2006, 07:34 AM   #12
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    Re: wife cheated

    Hi hun..First off don't blame yourself for your wife cheating. .. This had absolutely nothing to do with you. She should not have cheated no matter how things are at home. There is never an excuse for cheating. I say that if a person cheats then the relationship just should not be. I also don't think there is anyway to fix a relationship after one cheats. There will always be that distrust, even if you forgive her, you will have the voices in the back of your head always. This is a bad situation for which you are feeling sorry for HER. Hun, you need to feel sorry for yourself. She was not raped, she did this consciously. Keep your head up, really think about this, and most of all, don't blame yourself.

     
    Old 08-11-2006, 07:49 AM   #13
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    Re: wife cheated

    I think you both should consider marriage counseling if you both want to try to overcome her cheating and your emotional abuse.

    You both married very young and are having serious problems very early into the marriage. I think a good marriage counselor would help you both if you're both willing and want to make it work.

     
    Old 08-11-2006, 08:12 AM   #14
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    Re: wife cheated

    I don't necessarily agree with the general statement of "once a cheater always a cheater" per say...but I believe once they have cheated on you they will cheat again. If you take them back, even ten years down the road, you are letting them get away with it in my opinion. And I know it is so HARD to forgive and forget when you have been cheated on. Once you think you're over it, their touch can just bring up all those feelings and make your blood boil and BAM! You're thinking about it again and asking questions. YOu deserve to not live your life feeling inadequate to this other person and suspicious if she so much as goes to a friends house. Cheating is relationship homicide.

    Last edited by punkybear; 08-11-2006 at 08:17 AM.

     
    Old 08-11-2006, 10:52 AM   #15
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    Re: wife cheated

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
    Honestly, you guys are way too young to be married. Especially her. She is quite clearly not ready to commit to just one man for the rest of her life (and at only 19, I can't say I blame her). She wants to get out and party and meet people and fool around and flirt just like most young adults. You guys REALLY need to sit down and have a talk. You have to ask her if she really is ready for marriage and ready to be with you and only you for the next sixty or so years. From her behavior, it doesn't seem like it.

    Maybe the one night stand made her realize that she loves you after all. Or maybe it made her realize that there is a lot more of the world she is aching to get out there and experience. Look, your bond is going to have to be pretty freakin' strong for this thing to work out. Both of you will have to want to work on it and preserve it, and actively try to do so.
    I totally agree with this. It sounds like she is genuinely sorry and doesn't want to be with anyone but you, but whether or not you should stay together, I don't know. Can you go see a marriage counselor? It sounds like your wife needs counseling herself whether you go or not, I would try to help her see someone to cope with the way she is feeling. Personally I think she is way, way, way too young to be married. I am 24, and no one I know is old enough to get married yet, still way too immature. But if you want to make it work, I see no reason why you can't. People who say "cheating is awful, you should always dump a cheater" are simplistic, black and white thinkers who are in denial of all the shades of gray out there. In the real world, there are good relationships that can survive cheating, especially if it was a one time thing and the cheater felt badly and was honest. I don't necessarily think people should throw away an otherwise solid relationship that they both cherish and want to preserve because of one incident of cheating. That just strikes me as a very rigid, reactionary, stubborn attitude...just as with anything, there are no simple rules that always hold true, because each situation is complex and unique. Besides, the people who say that you should never ever forgive an incident of cheating are almost always people who have been cheated on and are embittered...I personally have never been cheated on, but I think that in the right situation, I could forgive it and move on. But it's all hypothetical and theoretical anyway until you know all the particulars of a given situation, and usually not even the people involved know all the details.

    As for being dry during a one night stand, that's not really relevant, but it's definitely not normal. Normal women like sex and can have just as much fun, if not more fun at times , with a one night stand as with a committed relationship. Then again, I also cannot imagine any person being content only having sex with one person in their entire life...the very idea sickens me. But then again, everyone is different, and it sounds like your wife wants to be with you and only you. It's just a lot to expect someone to give up! And as for having to be worried about STDs, you are probably fine because they used a condom and it sounds like it didn't go that far. To be safe you and your wife might both want to go to Planned Parenthood and get checked out, but I wouldn't be too worried if I were you.

    Last edited by Veronica_Mars; 08-11-2006 at 11:00 AM.

     
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