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Complicated Situation

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Old 08-16-2006, 08:49 AM   #1
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mrslots HB User
Complicated Situation

Right now I am dealing with a delicate relationship situation and I need some input. I am a 28 year-old virgin guy who became close friends with a girl I met on a Jdate trip to Israel in May. It was clear from very early on that there was a physical attraction between the two of us and we both have connected and bonded on an emotional and personal level. She lives in Jacksonville, Florida and I live in Washington D.C. but in the past three months we have talked every night on the phone and have seen each other in person three times. Now for the big complications. She is 31 years old and ironically I believe is also a virgin. I asked her the question after admitting I was a virgin and she neither confirmed nor denied it beacuse she is very cautious in telling me things. There were three traumatic incidents in her life (read attempted sexual assault or maybe worse) about 12 or 13 years ago and she completely shut down and told no one else what happened including her best friend and parents. She is terrified of physical contact though she lets me hold her hand and her shoulders and trusts me like she has never trusted another guy. We both have very strong feelings for each other and when I asked her if she was in love with me she deflected the question after five minutes of total silence. I want our relationship to become more physical but do not want to pressure or overwhelm her because I have my own issues with physical intimacy and understand her misgivings though mine have more to do with performance anxiety. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


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Old 08-16-2006, 12:13 PM   #2
Join Date: May 2006
Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Complicated Situation

Well, maybe she needs victim's counseling in order for her to get over her past.

And, you've only known her since May. That's not that long of a time. Plus, living far apart doesn't help much either. If you lived closeby and saw each other every day, I think the physical connection would happen a bit more naturally. So you just have to take that into consideration.

Love takes time. Take the physical contact slowly. Don't pressure her or you might scare her away. You've waited this long, you can wait a bit longer. Holding hands is step one, and it might take a few more hand holding sessions before you can move further, like putting your arm around her or hugging.

Old 08-16-2006, 01:23 PM   #3
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mrslots HB User
Re: Complicated Situation

Thanks for the supportive comments, minnesotagirl. I have put my arms around her and hugged her and she is now comfortable with this contact but she will not let me kiss her yet.


Old 08-17-2006, 05:04 AM   #4
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Lagos, Nigeria
Posts: 176
minijumbofly HB User
Re: Complicated Situation

OK. Let's take this "complicated situation" and strip it down a bit. ( Makes it easier to diagnose so to speak)

First, forget about the virgin / non-virgin BS and skip the age issue as well. These are distractions, they are not worth the weight of your breath.

Don't ever bring up the virginity subject again! Both yours and hers. Think !! If she isn't - which is probably related to the assaults, it will re-enforce her negective memories. If she is, she might feel something must be wrong with her, thus making her undesirable. Either way, there could be absolutely nothing positive coming out of this question.

Second, she's been through some violent and traumatic experiences which she never seek counseling for nor recovered from. You are lucky to have gone this far without her going into relapse and totally close up on you.

Proceed with extreme caution with the physical intimacy, expect prolonged and timid responses. The trust level must be very very high before you'll make progress along the way.

P.S. If she ever confides in you about her dark memories, be very sure to just listen carefully ( no inquiries ) and pay close attention to details. Try hinting to her about professional counseling. It's never too late to seek help.

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