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    Old 08-22-2006, 09:21 PM   #16
    ferman
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    thanks for the good words. im trying to stay positive. she has told me that i am a negitive person in the past. recently ive been looking at myself. and she is right. so ive been trying to do things in a more positive light. and i always try to find something positive in a negitive situation. she has told me that she needs to find herself and she cant be married to do that. she is getting counseling for herself and she is taking medication. i encourage her when i talk to her and tell her that i am proud that she is taking the steps that she needs for herself right now. when she brings up the subject of divorce i tell her that she has more important things to worry about right now. that getting herself better should be first. that we will talk when im home and we can be face to face. i try not to make too much contact with her so she can have her space to figure herself out. i do call and email her when she does me. i am trying to stay connected with her and let her have her space at the same time. but when i get home she says that she isnt will to try at the marriage anymore. i asked aboout going back to marriage counseling when i get home and she said no cause she isnt going to try anymore. i still have a couple months here. i just hope by that time that she has a better grip on her depression. and i hope that by giving her space to find herself that she might change her mind. i know i need to do some self improvement before i get home. and i am taking the steps to control my negitivity. so what do you guys think? am i doing the right thing?

     
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    Old 08-23-2006, 08:54 PM   #17
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    It sounds like you are on the right track, I quess I would limit the "get yourself better" conversations. I know I got very defensive whenever it was hinted that I was less than "well" when I was very depressed. For me out of control is a very huge source of anxiety and eventual depression. I have spent a lot of time learning my triggers and self control to keep "situations" from dragging me down. Not everyone can go off meds, she may have to take something for the rest of her life, could all change once she is out of Alaska.

    As for are you doing the right thing, in my opinion, it sounds like you are making an effort to learn and be supportive. Whether she will be receptive is up to her. Go back to when you first met, before bad things started to happen, how did you date her, and romance her? Try acting like that again, its what she fell in love with once. I think I read in your post that she loves you but is not in love with you, sounds like shes missing the butterfly in the stomach feeling and the connection that comes from the romantic side of your relationship.

    She may very well need to find herself. I don't know how old you are, or your life experience levels, but if she is young, and hasn't accomplished much on her own, this may be a valid concern for her. It may have been a crushing blow to make a decision to go back to school to pursue her education and in turn develop her self esteme. She may be trying to become more that just your wife, and someone you can be proud of and someone she can be proud of. I understand the financial decision of the upcoming move, but possessions are just that don't get so caught up in the material side of life that you miss the biggest opportunities to enjoy the really valuable things in life that can't be owned. You said your house was a virtual model home and people were afraid to visit. Maybe that is a standard that she finds hard to live up to on a daily basis. Maybe you all just need to relax and find whats really important in life, and set new priorities that don't include the constant pursuit of bigger, better, more.....This is a huge assumption on my part but just wanted to share.

    Sorry to prattle on, I have just been where you all are now. good luck, we are here if you need us. We have all been there.

    TAP
    Angeleyes

     
    Old 08-29-2006, 04:43 AM   #18
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    well i havent talked to my wife in over a week now besides just little emails. the last time i talked to her i told her that i was going to give her her space. im having a really tough time doing that. im used to calling her everyday. she has a myspace account that she posts pics on all the time. she is very much into cameras. she always has one with her. well she went to a party last weekend and i noticed that she didnt have her wedding rings on in the pics. she has told me that there isnt anyone else. that she doesnt want anyone else including me. i believe her that there isnt anyone else. but other than that i have no clue what is going on in her life. she told me that she has no desires to share anything in her life with me anymore. and its tearing me apart. i ordered her flowers the other day. they wont be there for a couple days though. i can only hope that will go over well with her. being over here in iraq there are a lot of people going through the same kind of situation. when i go to the phones it is what everyone is talking about. so i know im not the only one. and i know people are going through worse than i am right now. its just tearing me apart.

     
    Old 08-31-2006, 07:49 PM   #19
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    well i called my wife the other day. we had what i would say is a good conversation. we started talking about day to day things. she seemed happy and up beat. i dont know if its because of the medication or if its the lack of me keeping my distance. then she brought up the marriage. i told her that i am trying to change the way that i am for me and for the better of us. that the way were when i was home for 2 weeks is the way it should be. and when we started argueing basicly about money that i slipped. i told her that it takes time for form new habits. i told her that it was like going to the gym. at first you have to kinda force yourself into going but after awhile it becomes routine. she said that she understood my point. so i told her i have around 90 days before i get home. and that when i get home we will take it from there. she said that she isnt going to try. i sent her flowers and she sent me an email saying thanks but you shouldnt have gotten them cause you need to save money. i know it was a little jab at me but it still shows me that she still has some kinda feeling. my question is i know she is sticking around for me to get home so we can devide everything. im not planning on filing for the divorce. but why hasnt she yet? if she says that she doesnt want it anymore and that she doesnt want to be with me why is she waiting? and she knows that i have a good 4 or 5 months before we leave alaska but she wants to stick around and drive out together. why would she wait that long to leave? and why would she want to be stuck in a vehicle with me for about 2 weeks to drive across country? is it me or is she kinda contradicting herself? im still confident and see this as a positive but im confused so if anyone could give me a little insite it would be appericated. thanks

    Last edited by ferman; 08-31-2006 at 08:21 PM.

     
    Old 08-31-2006, 10:14 PM   #20
    myblusky
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    This all sounds very familar as many of the things you talk about are what the ending of my engagement went through. I am the one with depression and it went undiagnosed for two years. It took a toll and my fiance said he couldn't take the moods anymore. Although I now know I have depression and not moods, it doesn't matter. He's gone. He said the same stuff. I need my space. I need to find myself. I can't take your sadness. I can't deal with this. We went to counseling and he didn't want to go so it did no good for the relationship, but at least the therapist recognized I have depression and I'm getting treatment for it.

    Anyway, I don't want to be a downer here, but when people tell you something then believe it. It is so painful and I do know because I've lost 15 pounds and take sleeping pills to sleep since this happened.

    If she says she doesn't want a marriage or marriage counseling then you have to accept it. No matter how much you try, if a person ends their feelings for you then most people won't bother to reconnect. It can be done, but both people have to want it, not just one person.

    Just remember that she has been thinking about this for a long time and in her mind she is planning her life without you. It is so painful to know people can do this. The whole "i've got to find myself" is a nice way for people to say, I don't want to be with you.

    I really, really do feel for you. I am just hanging on to dear life myself at the moment until I have my evaluation for medication. I call someone every night for support to help me through this because I do fear I will die otherwise. The ending of a relationship is just as painful as death because it is a death. Please get yourself some support and take care of yourself. You cannot expend all your energy on her even though you love her. You are no good to anyone if you aren't whole and healthy so take care of you first!!! Get counseling for yourself if possible. If not then rely on friends and family and tell them that you really need their help.

     
    Old 08-31-2006, 11:09 PM   #21
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    she is going to counseling and she is on medication. its only been a couple weeks but she is getting the help that she needs for herself. what i cant get over is before i went on leave for 2 weeks she told me everything that she is saying again about a divorce. when i went home we connected. we were working again. i havent seen her that happy in a long time. she told me that she never really wanted to leave and she loves me and she made the decision to stay in alaska until i return home. everything changed in a matter of days. and we had a blast. bought new furniture and took a little weekend getaway. but as soon as i returned to iraq we started to argue again and she said she is done. i still believe what she told me when i was home. and right now i really do think that she needs to figure herself out. she has been struggling with this for a long time. she has a lot of stress besides our marriage family back home, friends and her inner struggle. but i still believe her words when i was home. and i do feel that maybe she just wants to see if there is anything left or why would she stay knowing how long that she would have to be around me? cause before i went on leave she had plans that a friend of hers (female) was going to alaska and they we leaving together. but now she is waiting for us to drive out together which could be 8 or 9 months away.

     
    Old 09-01-2006, 02:11 AM   #22
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    ferman.
    if only all the guys outside were as thoughtful,caring and so faithful as you are.and PATIENT.
    First off i must say that you have been very very extremely super patient with your wife. perhaps most guys would have jumped off the building due to intolerance. i read all the posts, from the beginning to the end,it just got me hooked, the story.
    all i can say is that i believe your wife still has feelings for you. why else would she wait so long? and she keeps saying it, divorce and etc. but from the posts i don't see that she's taking some action. though i believe she's really having a bad tough time now and really needs you by her side.i believe that when u're home,everything will be fine..of cos not just home for a couple of days or so but much longer period. i know how tough it is for a guy to be fighting for the country and yet worrying about his wife back home. it makes the guy frustrated and wants to pull his hair out. like mentioned in 1 of teh posts not every woman is made out to be a military wife. i don't think i myself would be one. perhaps i would end up worse than her or something i don't know. seriously i feel that you two can work out.once u're back home,she'll be fine.continue with the emails,calls,and flowers etc.it wont be much longer before you can be home.she just needs her time and space now,which i know you have given her greatly being 1000 miles away. i just need to tell you that i believe she still has feelings for you,holds hope for your marriage. i think that's all you need to know. once u're back im pretty sure the depression will be much much lesser for her. i know how badddd u wanna be home this very moment but it's just nt possible.just do ur best man. u're a great husband.though u say u're not . i've got ex-es who aren't the least bit like u. and they aren't even in military.
    goodluck and take care from Singapore
    =)

     
    Old 09-01-2006, 05:48 AM   #23
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    Furman,
    She may still be unsure of what she wants. I'm not buying into the whole space thing though. You couldn't get any further apart. As for her staying until you move. Is it possible she is waiting for the military to move you so it doesn't come out of her pocket? Has she been setting aside a decent some of money? I don't want to sound to negative but I've seen it happen. The husband leaves, the wife saves up extra pay money, she leaves with that money as soon as he comes home. It is so sad. Good luck to you.

    stalkerswife0717
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    Old 09-01-2006, 08:52 AM   #24
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    ok to answer some questions right now she is unemployed. she has been unemployed since may. she told me that she is staying to get a job or 2 and to save money so she can make rent when she leaves and for her truck payment till she finds a job when she gets to the east coast. and she is staying because her truck is in my name and she is secondary. and she doesnt make enough for her to have the truck in her name solely. i told her that when she gets the divorce we will see how to take my name off of the truck so i am no longer responsable for the payments. even though i put the downpayment on her truck she can have it as long as im not responsable for it. i have my own brand new truck that has been sitting in alaska since i left. so i dont need 2 and if we divorce i cant afford 2 payments. but anyway she was going to focus on going to school and get a part time job that fit her schedule. finances were tight and she missed finacial aide cut off so had to pay full price for the class. i told her to wait till next semister, get the aide and go to school. she said she was going to do it now which lead to a big fight and she announced that she wants another divorce. she was excited to go cause it was what she really wanted to do. and it crushed her that i said to wait another semister. i talked to her on the phone for about an hour and a half today. and she said that she doesnt think that she has to wait for anything anymore that she has waited for the past 6 years. and that is why she needs to be her own person, to prove to herself that she can depend on herself to make it on her own. that she cant put herself first being married or in any relationship she cant do that and that she just wants her own identity. that we have hurt each other too much and she doesnt want to hurt me anymore. and we married too young (she 19 me 21 at the time) that was 4 years ago. well almost. our 4 years will be new years eve. she says that im just too negitive of a person. i told her that i have seen our relationship just in the last 2 weeks become more positive. and i told her that i see us already taking baby steps like talking on the phone for so long. i explained to her the butterfly effect theory. that a butterfly in south america flapping its wings can cause a tornado in kansas. that just one small meaningless positive can grow over time to become part of the big picture. she said that she didnt understand so i explained it a little different like that if you drop a pebble in the middle of the lake by the time the ripple in the water it makes reaches shore it became a wave. she said that she understood what i ment but i dont know if she understood me completely how i was tring to say it. but she did thank me for the flowers i sent and did tell me her plans for labor day weekend. something that 2 weeks ago she told me she has no desire to share any part of her life with me anymore. and she told me the progress she is making in counseling without me asking and that she likes the medication but she feels its making her distant. so she is telling me whats going on with her. i see that as a positive. am i over seeing what i want or does anyone see what i see???

     
    Old 09-01-2006, 06:05 PM   #25
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    Hope you are well and safe.

    Sounds like her medicine is starting to work and shes talking through some of her inner confusionl. It also sounds like you are making progress on your end as well. It is still unclear how it will turn out but sounds a little better. The fact that you are talking is a step, all be it a baby one.

    Everyone deserves to be a somebody, it sounds like she has spent alot of time being a military wife and not so much becoming her own person in her own right. I can see her point as well from what you say. You can spend money on new furniture and save money for your move, but her classes were not so important. It may have been true you couldn't afford it, but to her it probably felt like she didn't matter as much as the material stuff and your career. This can make for alot of resentment.

    I still stand by my advise just to keep things as light as you can, be fun and interested in her life without being intrusive, don't push big decisions, or long term plans. Just take it one day at a time, let her therapy and her meds work. Anti depressants take a minimum of a month to build to the appropriate levels, she may start to develop sleep disturbance as a side effect and have a short set back until her body adjusts to the medication fully. But it sounds like she moving in the right direction,

    Keep the faith, and good luck...be safe
    T.A.P.
    angeleyes

     
    Old 09-04-2006, 09:05 PM   #26
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    got some new developments. i recently looked at my phone bill online. seems to be a lot of calls to one number for a long time. racked up a 500 phone bill. i know my wifes father is moving so i asked if that was his number and she said no that it was one of her friends from back in the day. they havent spoken for about 6 years and they we just catching up. so i got a lil suspious. i decided to check her email. i know it was wrong but i did. seems that she sent him a pic of her breasts. so i confronted her about it and asked if there was anything else. he lives across country so i know there is no physical contact. she said that they have had phone sex. explains the phone bill. so i asked her a lot of questions about it. she answered them all. she said that all it was is that she is lonely and just dirty words over the phone. and that i shouldnt care. that she isnt leaving me for him or because of him and its not that she is choosing between me and him. so i decided to write dude an email. i asked whats going on and what his intentions are. i havent heard from him yet. and he has a girlfriend. so should i let his girlsfriend know? and what should i do in this kind of situation?? i know there isnt any physical contact but to me it still is an emotional affair.

     
    Old 09-05-2006, 06:48 AM   #27
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    I'm going to stick my two cents worth in here because there are several things in your last few posts that raised red flags for me anyway.

    You say that your wife has had depression for a long time. I know that you haven't known her for years and years, but are there periods of time where she is the polar opposite??

    Your wife has been prescribed Zoloft which is an SSRI type anti-depressant. SSRI's can also trigger mania in someone who has Bipolar Disorder. One symptom of mania is hypersexuality - evident in the phone sex behavior. Most people who are depressed wouldn't have this behavior - let alone making all those calls knowing that their husband could find out.

    There is a new "lack of judgement" here since the Zoloft and I couldn't help but be concerned that she may have more than just clinical depression. Do you know the doctor's name & number? They cannot talk to you about your wife's treatment because of the Privacy Laws, but YOU can certainly let them know that her behavior has gone over the edge since the Zoloft was started.

    You are doing your best to keep your vows - especially the "in sickness & in health" - under very difficult circumstances. I'm glad you found us here - at times of peace HealthBoards are great, but in times of war a computer connection makes us invaluable. Thanks for serving - -
    Hang in there,
    Ruth

     
    Old 09-05-2006, 07:29 AM   #28
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    I have to agree with Ruth on this one. I think there is more to this story than what is on the surface. My daughter has Bipolar Disorder, it took about 6 years, and many cycles of ups and downs to figure it out. Many counselors aren't qualified to diagnose it, and simply give the patient an anti-depressant. Bipolars become MORE depressed with SSRI meds. If her depression and symtoms become worse, it could be the meds, and improper diagnosis.
    Unfortunately, getting married young, you being in the military, all not a good combination for a marriage. She may be saying she needs her space because she wants to pursue other relationships. Getting married so young didn't give her the chance to 'do it all' and be ready to settle down. You being gone adds fuel to the fire.
    Lastly, being up in Alaska, and away from family and friends by herself... boy, how could you not be depressed?
    I really don't think this is anything you can fix while being so far away. Just try to focus on staying alive, and getting home. Try not to have too much expectations when you do get home. You can't force her to work things out, all you can do is let her know you're willing to try. Best wishes

     
    Old 09-05-2006, 08:25 AM   #29
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    A large number of folks with bipolar disorder who have only shown depression are actually tipped over into full mania (hypersexual, rapid speech, little sleep, quicktempered, etc) after getting SSRI's like Zoloft.
    I know it's hard to judge something like this from so far away - thought a quick call to her doctor's office if only to mention it to the nurse on duty may help...
    Ruth

     
    Old 09-05-2006, 08:39 PM   #30
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    Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression

    Hey there,

    Sorry to hear your latest developments. I really thought the last post held some small hope. I can't really say that you still don't have any, but I agree with ruth, the medications could be one answer.

    I also agree that you can't really do this justice from over there, you have to concentrate on getting home and dealing with it then. I do truly know what your going through. The phone bill is how I busted out my ex and his activities as well. Trust me you can drive yourself crazy trying to find more evidence of what shes doing. It does make sense what you say about her feeling lonely and seeking attention. I would wonder if she is sharing this new behavior with her therapist. I think you did enough with contacting the other person involved but I would strongly suggest you leaving it at that. He isn't your problem. Whatever is going on with her should be your only focus. I feel sorry for the gf, but I would not interfer, I went that route when I first found out as well, and almost cost a man his life, he wasn't very strong and attempted suicide because of the news. Plus I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. This guy sounds like a symptom not the problem.

    She probably believes that shes not leaving you for someone else, shes just leaving. I felt that way many, many times while my ex was serving. Just about everytime something went wrong and I had no one to turn to, or just the opposite when something went right and no one was there to share with. It is so tough to be a military wife and spend long periods of time on your own. You have to have your own life and support system to survive. I was sure that when he(my ex) got home we were going to divorce and I actually fell in love with him all over again. Then I found out about the other woman in his unit.

    You are in a very tough situation and I strongly suggest you seek help on your end to deal with what your feeling. I know this is alot easier to say than do, but you need to step back and get home before you do anything permenant or drastic. I also suspect you are hurt and angry but you have to be safe and sane, you will have time to sort things out once your back home. Dont consentrate so much on making decisions now or finding your answers.

    Best wishes
    thoughts and prayers
    (angeleyes)

     
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