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is this normal?

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Old 08-29-2006, 02:25 PM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 79
Marie21 HB User
Question is this normal?

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years now. In the begining of our relationship he was very affectionate... well okay, not very, but more-so than he is now. He we would go out to a movie he would on occasion put his arm around me or grab my hand to hold. This lasted for about the first 6 months or so of our relationship. Now however he never holds my hand when we are walking together or puts his arm around me while we are at the movies. I have brought it up and he said something like "This is just the way that I am." Is it normal for this to happen after you have been dating for a while. Any suggestions on how I can get him to be more affectionate?

Also, and this may sound really stupid and maybe I am looking into this way too much but... Lately he has been listening to songs that themes include wishing you could get back with an ex-girlfriend or longing for past relationships. Normally he listens to classic rock, but in the past few days he has started listening to that Hinder song "lips of an angel" and also that song by the ***** cat dolls that goes "don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me." Also he really likes that song "Photograph." but doesn't like anyother songs by the group. The girl he dated before me cheated on him, but she was the complete opposite of myself. Outgoing and liked to party. Sometimes I get the feeling that he misses having a girl go out with him all the time. With me he has really had to settle down some.

This was probably a really stupid question, but I cant help but wonder sometimes if he misses her. He still has pictures of his ex-girlfriends. I don't know why, but when he first started to date me he showed me these pictures and when I tried to take it out of his hand to look at it he became over protective of the photo. Maybe it was a joke, but I don't know.

I just don't want him to be setteling for me because he knows that I am safe and would never cheat on him. Before I met my current boy, I dated a string of losers. One was to chicken to dump me so he strung me along for a while untill he worked up the courage. (I could tell somthing was up) and one strung me along untill he met someone better and then just stoped calling me and didn't return any of my calls. I guess this has made me a little paranioid about being strung along. Does any of this make sense? How can you tell if your boyfriend is just setteling for you?

Sorry about all the spelling errors. Any input would be great!

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Old 08-29-2006, 02:51 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,418
GypsyArcher HB User
Re: is this normal?

Well, I don't know what is normal. I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years and am not nearly as touchy-feely as I used to be in the beginning. But also, I'm questioning whether or not I'm still in love with him, or ever was. I think it's pretty normal for couples to gradually be less lovey-dovey. But if he doesn't want to touch you or cuddle at all...that's not good.

As for the pictures of his ex...hmmmm. I have a few pictures of me with my ex, but I have zero feelings for him. The only reason I keep the pictures is because I look really cute in them. It does seem really odd that he showed you all of these pictures of his ex at the beginning of your relationship, though. What a way to impress your new girlfriend

You really have to get him to be point-blank with you. Tell him your concerns, that you don't feel like he really cares about you anymore. Tell him that it doesn't feel like much of a relationship and that you need more from a boyfriend. Then the ball will be in his court...
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

Old 08-29-2006, 03:19 PM   #3
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: SF
Posts: 540
bulletproof HB User
Re: is this normal?

I was in a similar situation once. A guy I dated for a few years became increasingly less physically affectionate as time went on. I was immature and at first tried to write it off as that was just how he was, and then I grew resentful and sulky. If given the chance now, I would be as affectionate as I wanted to be and really make him understand how important it was to me to receive affection from him also. I have spent time with couples who exhibit all levels of physical affection, and the ones who seem to have the most loving relationships are not afraid to show it. And if he was different in the beginning, he could be starting to take you for granted, which isn't okay.

I'm not sure that there is a way to tell if your boyfriend is just settling for you outside of openly asking if he is happy in the relationship. If you can, try to make it clear that you are asking these questions because of signals you are getting from him, and not because you are just inherently insecure.

Old 08-29-2006, 11:21 PM   #4
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 69
caladbolg HB User
Re: is this normal?

Okay, guy's perspective now. Welp I'd have to say I'd be that guy. My girlfriend (ex now, due to unrelated issues) and I dated for 2.5 years, and while she occasionally reminded me how I don't show enough affection towards her, I never did anything about it. Now the kicker: I don't know why, either! It just never occurs to me that it was a problem. I think it's things like these that make us "guys" Now, I still thought she was as beautiful as the first time we met, and I still was very much in love with her. But being affectionate I guess wasn't "my thing". I don't think it has anything to do with taking her for granted. You just grow used to the regularity of having the other person around. What I'm trying to say is, I can kinda of relate to this guy, and I don't believe that he's aware of it.

I do think that you're reading too much into the ex thing. I don't think you should be basing his feelings from his music. I also don't think you need to be making a fuss about his pictures of his ex's - they're just memories.

Anyway, best thing you can do is just tell him like the others said.

Old 08-30-2006, 04:51 AM   #5
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Lagos, Nigeria
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: is this normal?

Originally Posted by caladbolg
...... You just grow used to the regularity of having the other person around.
Ditto to that. I guess he just doesn't see anything wrong with being less tactile past the "honeymoon phase"

Never mind the music or the pictures. Everybody have their moments of nastalgia and fantasy. It's a common response for sorrow and desire attacks unless he wallows too deep and got stuck.

Then you snap him out of it by putting on your best lingerie and perfume to remind him what he got. Show him your moves, the talking and communicating can come after.

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