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He "doesn't know" whether he ever wants kids

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Old 09-02-2006, 08:37 AM   #1
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plasva HB User
He "doesn't know" whether he ever wants kids

What does it mean when a guy in his late 20's says he "doesn't know" whether he wants to have children someday, that he's never really thought about it before due to never having been in a long-term relationship previously, and so he can't tell you want he wants from the future family-wise? How long do you give him to figure it out?

I am amazed someone could "not know" whether they want to become a parent one day, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and some time to figure it out.

So how do I approach this? Do I bring it up every few months or what? I'm afraid he and I will keep having the same conversation over and over with him "not knowing," but I don't want to give him an ultimatum.


Last edited by plasva; 09-02-2006 at 08:40 AM.

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Old 09-02-2006, 09:28 AM   #2
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crazyasthewind HB User
Re: He "doesn't know" whether he ever wants kids

Honestly, some people just never know if they want kids or not. He may not be ready at all to have them, and just chose to say "i don't know" to the subject of having children. Some never have children, and then some know for sure if they want children or you.
One thing, is never pressure him into it, or the conversation....there is no "time limit" to let him decide, that would be pressuring. Just leave it be for now, and when he is ready, he will let you know.
Sounds like you really want children right now...unfortunately, you and him are not on the same page.
You should never give an ultimatum like "tell me if you want kids right now, and if you don't i am leaving"...just to get him to have children...because in all honesty, you will probably not like his response.

I wish you luck, and believe me when i tell you that you will just "know" if you are needing to take a "different road"....perhaps away from this guy...even though you love him....again...good luck!

Old 09-03-2006, 08:33 AM   #3
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thirty-three HB User
Re: He "doesn't know" whether he ever wants kids

This is so normal, a guy at his 20's ... they wouldn't really know what they want. All my friends who said they didn't want kids, have kids now, some even have 2 or 3.

Old 09-03-2006, 08:44 AM   #4
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BetsyJean HB User
Re: He "doesn't know" whether he ever wants kids

Not to sound old fashioned or anything, but...
How does he feel about "marriage" and a "wife" - I'd make sure of how he feels about those two things with you first before getting too worried about the baby thing!!

Old 09-03-2006, 12:09 PM   #5
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galinaqt HB User
Re: He "doesn't know" whether he ever wants kids

I got married when my dh was in his 40th and he wasn't sure if he wants a kid, he has fears if he can handle it. We have one now and he is a very good father (touch wood). If he doesn't know is better than if he said "no". These days people marry in there 30th typically so he may not be even the one for you or have marriage in mind in the nearest future.

Old 09-04-2006, 06:34 AM   #6
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SophiaM HB User
Re: He "doesn't know" whether he ever wants kids

Yeah, I think if he "doesn't know," it probably means he's not ready now or in the near future, but might be some years later. Galina is right that most guys nowadays don't marry before 30 anyway, and he's close to that age, but probably doesn't really think about children yet. Many people are confused about this issue these days. I myself don't know, and I'm in my 30s and a woman. The way I see it, if I married someone who really wants to have kids, I would have them, and if I married someone who strongly opposes to having kids, I wouldn't have them. I guess I don't have strong feelings either way--for me it's more important to be with someone I could really love and have an amazing relationship with. Does that make sense? Perhaps he feels in a similar way.

Old 09-04-2006, 07:15 AM   #7
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: He "doesn't know" whether he ever wants kids

Not to stereotype all guys, he sounds like a typical 20 something alright.

When I was that age...(OK, OK, I'll spare you the long version) I was just setting out to conquere the world and rescue all those damsels in distress. The idea of a family with wife and kids etc was not even remotely in my game plan.

So what that means is that your BF IS not ready for kids yet. And I agree with BJ, you have better sort out the marriage/wife issue before you wonder about the children issue.

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