stuck in relationship purgatory

09-05-2006, 07:36 AM

hi there

Ive been here before with relationship issues. Despite much advice to leave my bf (compulsive liar, cheater..etc) I'm still here... He'll have big revalations and he'll make me believe he's going to change. Here's my deal.. sorry its so long.

Things are so complicated. I'm now over 7months pregnant, we just moved into a basement apt at my parents place to save money. Things with us have been getting worse. When the novelty of making himself better wears off..he goes right back to the way he was. We've been together for going on 3 years now... our families are very excited about the baby. Everyone is very involved... which makes things worse.

I'm just not happy... I'm very unhappy. I have to walk on egg shells around him.. he takes offence to everything, even to the point of putting words in my mouth. I can't talk to him about anything bc he just gets mad. Theres no intimacy..no touching... nothing. He's not making any effort. I've been trying to be more effectionate with him.. but I havent been getting any response. He doesn't even say he loves me anymore. The night before last we were going to bed and I told him I loved him, he didn't even say it back. That hurt. I thought if we were physically intimate it would loosen him up (Ive had a bladder infection so we havent been intimate lately)... I told him to pick up some condoms...but even then.. he made no efforts. He was up for having sex but wasn't willing to put any work into it (in other words.. it was like.. he was playing with his laptop then he put it down and tried to take off my pants... not exactly romantic). It was all just so..empty. Our relationship is going backwords.. this time last year he was wanting me to pick out rings.. he wanted to marry me. It hasnt been mentioned since.. He actually seems to get upset when that comes up.. or repulsed even. (I was at a family party the weekend and a little girl thought I was married, Im having a baby and I wasn't sure what religious beliefs shes been taught so I went along with it. I told my bf about this.. as a funny story about the cute little girl and he got really freaked. He was all like 'WHAT? HOLD UP? WHO THINKS THIS?' and when I retold the story he was like 'ohh whheuu, I thought you meant your family thought that'... It was like.. gee.. that makes me feel good.)

We've had a bigg problem with him lieing. He lies all the time.. I didn't know how bad it was until the last 6months or so. He's a smoker and hes been trying to quit for as long as Ive known him. Only everytime he quits ..he'll give in and have a smoke anytime he's around someone else that smokes.... which means nothing to me, I'm not the one trying to quit.. But he feels the need to lie to me about it. Its to the point now where I dont want to know anything.. just bc I dont want to be lied to. He actually went out of his way to tell me he didnt waste money on buying a pack of smokes last week... Then when I was cleaning I found a brand new pack of smokes. He claims he doesnt remember telling me anything of the sort, I didn't push it.. I just dont care anymore. But do you see what I mean? I didn't ask about him smoking.. we wern't even talking about anything of the sort. He just came out and said he wasnt wasting money on buying packs. Bold face lie. It's so frustrating. If I had gotten mad at him for this situation.. he would have freaked out.. This is why I didn't push it. Not worth it.

I feel like im in relationship purgatory... Im technically still in a relationship.. but I feel so unloved and empty...it's like I'm not actually in a relationship at all.. But on the flip side.. bc I'm still techincally in a relationship I'm stuck.. I can't be free. I get very upset when I look at my belly and think about my little girl.. I dont want her to have to be around for this non sence... and it hurts that in my good conscience I dont think that her dad and I should be together.. But I can't imagine having his baby and not being with him. I always pictured being with my childs father forever, getting married.. the whole nine yards.. I guess this isnt so.

I'm so unhappy.. and this is such an aweful situation... comments or advice please.

09-05-2006, 08:00 AM

well as much as you would like to live happily ever after, it doesn't sound like it's going to happen with this guy.......I'd leave him.....baby or no baby.
He's a liar, and he's abusive......what else would it take for you to say enough is enough?

09-05-2006, 03:30 PM

Hello there,
I am so sorry you are going through this awful situation.
I have to say, your boyfriend sounds a lot like mine in that when I am nice, understanding, sensitive, thoughtful etc towards him, he usually ends up behaving like a stupid, nasty jerk.
I always used to be so sympathetic towards him-I listened to any problems/complaints he may have had and tried to remedy whatever the problem was and made an effort to understand him. Of course in return, I thought he would do the same thing for me but....not a chance!
I now absolutely refuse to be the caring undersatnding girlfriend to a guy who will mock any problem or complaint that I have.
I make a point of not being so overly nice to him-I'm still nice but I don't allow myself to be walked over like I did before. If he has a problem, I will only listen if I feel like it. If he is sulking, I let him get on with it and don't make the first move to make the peace like I used to do 100pc of the time! If he doesn't listen to my concerns-there are consequences for him etc.
Some men have a really mean streak and instinctively want to hurt the person who is being really nice to them-I would suggest being tougher on him.
Stand your ground, shout if you want, don't apologize to a man who never apologizes and start worrying about yourself and not him.
I have done these things and it is so liberating. I still love the guy because of course, he has a wonderful side(don't they all

, but in changeing my attitiude, I realised that his behaviour was unworthy of respect and therefore my respect for him as a person dropped to a level where I felt superior to him emotionally and spiritually and just saw him for the person he is, instead of putting him on a pedestal like I had for years.
Becasue of this, I feel like a stronger, more self-reliant person and he is still a massive part of my life, but he is no longer the centre of it.
I have to say, be tough-some people do not repay kindness with kindness and if that is the case, try not to be that way.
Wishing you lots of strength

09-11-2006, 02:35 PM

Voice your concerns to him--well, rather, let him know that you have some concerns that you want to discuss. Let him know there is a specific agenda for a serious conversation...we men need that. Lay out in a matter-of-fact way how you feel, how he contributes to that, what you expect from the relationship and him, and what you want to do in order to get there.

If he has a plan/agenda/whatever you want to call it laid out, he can better make steps to bettering the relationship. If you just tell men that you want us to "try harder" in a relationship or to "show more affection" we either don't know how you want that done or often get a different idea of what would accomplish that. (And some men tend to think it's like winning a championship title--I did it, goal attained, and it's in the books--can't undo it. Rather than seeing it as an ongoing thing. "I thought I was romantic three Tuesday night's ago?")

It's uncomfortable to ask for help, but if you want to continue the relationship, you may want to go to counseling with him. Ask your parents if they could help pay for it if needed--most parents would be willing to if they could. You need to get everything on the table and he needs to do the same. Men hate the thought of going to a counselor--let him know it's essential for the relationship to continue. (Not in an in-you-face way though. e doesn't need to feel attacked.) If you go on as you are, things will only either stay as bad as they are or--more likely--get worse until either or both of you can't take it anymore.

If he isn't willing to work on specific issues and get help with the relationship, do you really want him? Do you really want to raise a child who sees you disrespected/mistreated. Especially a daughter who might think she is supposed to be treated the same when she gets older and in relationships. Do you deserve better than how he treats you? Do you want your soon to be daughter to be treated better than you are?

Would you rather end the relationship now and deal with that pain or end it in 5 or 10 years and have as much and probably more pain and possibly more kids involved? He might be wanting out and too afraid to voice that. You gotta find out where the two of you are and what each of you is willing to do. If he's not into it, time isn't going to fix anything.

Did you say he has cheated on you?

stuck in relationship purgatory

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