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pregnant and suddenly just what??

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Old 09-06-2006, 09:28 PM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 7
bttrfly2107 HB User
Angry pregnant and suddenly just what??


I'm in a pretty tough situation and have no idea what to do or even where to go. I'll fill you in....8 months ago, my bf and I found out I was pregnant. At the time we had been broken up for about a month. And just so you know where we were at in our lives, I recently graduated from college and he is 2 years younger than me and has a few years of school left. After we found out I was pregnant he started making all these plans for us to move away somewhere and live together and raise the baby together. So he decided on transferring and moved to a small college town where he decided to go at the beginning of summer. I on the other hand went home to live with my parents (2 states away) for the summer due to my work situation. All summer long we talked on the phone almost every day and he told me he loved me and missed me and kept asking how the baby was doing. We even went to his family reunion and while there everyone referred to me as his gf. I should also tell you that we never actually sat down and discussed our relationship status...I guess after having him make plans for us to live together and by the way he treated me I just assumed we were together. Anyway, 3 weeks ago I moved to where he was in this small college town where I know no one except for him. After I had been here for 2 weeks, he decides to tell me that we aren't dating and we're not in a relationship and he had never thought we had gotten back together after we found out I was pregnant. He also told me that his whole plan all along was just for us to live together as friends and raise the baby together. This came as quite a shock to me. I had the intentions of moving out here to live with my bf and get off on the right foot raising out family together. I didn't plan on moving here to bunk up as roommates. He told me that he knows that he loves me and cares about me and has feelings for me but doesn't know for sure that those feelings are the kind of "I want to be with you forever" type feelings. So now, I feel stuck in a town where I know no one, and he seems to think it's just fine living together as friends and he continually goes out and drinks with his friends while I sit at home by myself. I feel like if we aren't going to be together or be in some sort of committed relationship then I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. So if anyone has any advice for me or any suggestions whatsoever, I would really really appreciate it. I really don't know what to do...our baby is due in a month and then after that winter hits and where we are we have some very harsh winters so I wouldn't feel comfortable traveling with a newborn so I feel stuck here....HELP!!

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Old 09-06-2006, 09:37 PM   #2
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: geelong, victoria, australia
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Belvic HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

I am in a situation not all that different to yours. My partner of 5 years has now decided he loves me but isnt in love with me enough to get married or have a baby. I have since found out I am pregnant. My pregnancy is not going to plan at the moment and I am having lots of problems. I am having an ultrasound tomorrow to find out if I have had a miscarriage or not. I have had lots of time to think about what I will do if I can carry this pregnancy to full term. I know that my child like yours will be better off living with its mother who loves it than with both parents who do not love each other. If I was in your situation I would find the inner strength to go home to my parents before your baby arrives and before the cold harsh winter sets in. Believe in yourself, there is someone out there who deserves you and will enrich your life and heart and that of your babies.
Please let me know what you decide. Thinking of you and your

Old 09-06-2006, 09:39 PM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 300
HelpHelpHelp HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

Go back home. You can't change his mind for him, and you have no reason to believe his mind will change. You have to work with what you have NOW. He is obviously a bit mixed up. If he cares so much about his baby he'll come visit you at home.

I know this is a difficult time, but don't dwell on that. Just do what you have to do. And that, my friend, is go back home. You are making way too many sacrifices here. The scale is not balanced. Do what is best for you, because ultimately, that is what is going to be best for your baby in this situation. You know you will always be around for your baby, but will he???

Go home where you have the support of your family. Once that baby is here, you are gonna need even more than you already do.

Explain this to him kindly. Be sweet about it. "Oh honey, I care about you and our baby but it isn't healthy for me to stay here."

Don't just stick around so the baby will be close to him---that would be selfish of him to expect you to stick around in HIS TOWN, with HIS FRIENDS, HIS LIFE. You've got to have your life, too, sweetie! He is just looking out for himself, 'cause it is easiest for him to see the child with you close by.

You can't sacrifice you own life. You've got to go back home. No point in sitting at his place being miserable and wondering what to do.

Besides, if you go back home, and things change, you can always move back to be closer to him. What have you got to lose?!?!? Don't waste time. Get back home now.

Old 09-06-2006, 09:47 PM   #4
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 300
HelpHelpHelp HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

My post seems to be sort of condescending towards this guy. He might be great, but this is beside the point right now. Let's be rational about this!

The bottom line is this, your life is about to get crazy, irregular. You need a stable environment (or as close to as you can get) to welcome you and your baby. His place is not that. It is your responsibility as a mother to take care of yourself, your mental health, too---not just your body---so that you can be there for the baby and make sure he/she has all the best possible care.

And that requires a stable environment. I can't say it enough---go home.

I know you are probably thinking---but maybe he'll come around? Yes, that seems ideal, but you know what??? It hasn't happened. And you can't assume it will 'cause it might not. You've got to go off the present, not what you hope to achieve.

Move home where you know you are loved, and know your baby can be provided for. Somewhere that people won't mind giving you some help.

Last edited by HelpHelpHelp; 09-06-2006 at 09:48 PM.

Old 09-07-2006, 05:31 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: South Carolina, USA
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mystic_star HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

You defenitely need to go back home! If he really thinks he's doing you some kind of favor by moving you in with him just to save face for himself like he's doing the right thing, he's not! He is obviously not ready to be a father...he's into drinking with his buddies! And I don't think it's going to change anytime soon! You will sit there alone with a crying kid while he's out "living it up"! He has not grown up yet and probably won't for a long while. Go back home where you at least have help and supportfrom people who love you! Good Luck!

Old 09-07-2006, 08:33 AM   #6
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susieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

I guess I would have had a conversation with him BEFORE you moved to be with him. Have you had a physical relationship with him since you became pregnant?

Old 09-07-2006, 10:44 AM   #7
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

i agree with susieq, you made a HUGE mistake not to have a discussion with him about the status of your relationship before you moved out there. You may think he's being selfish by doing what he's doing, but maybe he thinks he's being good to you by staying with you, living with you, planning to help you take care of the baby. Maybe he thinks he's doing just what you want.

You need to speak up. You need to tell him exactly how you feel and what your plans are. You also need to have a plan of action for whatever he might say. Like, if you give him an ultimatum, and he says he does love you and wants to be with you romantically, what will you do? If he continues to say that he doesn't want "forever" with you, what will you do? Move back home? Move somewhere else? He needs to know because he's going to need to see the baby, support the baby, etc. You're even likely going to have to talk about how you will split custody of the baby.

You both need to get past the immaturity of some college relationship and be adults here. An adult would be able to calmly tell the guy what her plans are, not get all emotionally crazy, and not let him walk all over her. You have to be a strong woman, for yourself and for your baby.

Old 09-07-2006, 01:02 PM   #8
Join Date: May 2006
Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
Posts: 745
minnesotagirl HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

I can see how you made the assumption that you two were together in a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean, he told you that he missed you and loved you on the phone - I'd think the same thing. And you're right, the family reunion thing would get me too. I mean, OK, I can see where in that situation, if you weren't "together" as a couple but mearly having a baby together that it might be easier for family reasons to just say you're a couple. I mean, older relatives and such would understand that a lot better. But if that was his intention by calling you his girlfriend at the reunion, then that should have been made clear and discussed with you beforehand. I actually think he may have "tricked" you on purpose just to get you to move there with him, thinking you'll be in this loving relationship, when in fact he just wants to have some sort of control over the woman who is carrying his child. Or, perhaps he did want a relationship with you but now that you're out there and things are "really happening" he has gotten cold feet and is too scared for the committment. I think that shows he's definately not ready to be a father. I bet if you do stay there, after the baby comes, he'll still go out drinking every night with his buddies, leaving you at home to take care of everything else. You could end up being his personal caretaker. It sounds like you're angry and upset about this all, so that's good! He mislead you -- tell him that. Tell him you're going home too, and then leave. Good luck to you!

Old 09-07-2006, 01:16 PM   #9
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Shorty39 HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

Hey sweetie, I can feel your pain. And its gonna be an emotionally painful time for you right now and in the next few months after the baby is born. Sometimes babies get sick early in their life (ear problems, colds, pneumonia) and they really take alot of your time up when they are sick and EVEN when they are well. I thinking by you staying that you'll only feel resentment toward him if he doesn't do the responsible thing and settle down with you if you stay with him. If he continues to do as he is doing now you might even feel some little bit of resentment toward the baby. And I'm not saying thats abnormal. We all have felt like that to a little bit of an extent. But that's not a healthy feeling to KEEP feeling like that if you ever do. You will begin to feel the natural way a mother feels for the baby IF you even get those bad resentment feelings. NOT ALL people do. I'm just saying there is the chance. But of course you'll come out of that when you settle into being the mother that I know you'll be. I do believe that it would be best right now to try and make plans to go back home where you will have help and be wanted from the very get-go. Don't worry if you have mixed feelings those will straighten out very soon after getting adjusted being a mother. There is no greater gift than to be the mother of a child. That is an unconditional love that will always be intact in a healthy enviroment. I remember feeling all alone when my first baby was born. Her dad just didn't take marriage or parenting as being important part of his life. After she was 1 month old he told me he loved someone else and stayed in bars drinking and throwing his money away. I went back to work when she was 4 weeks old and worked 3 jobs to make ends meet for her dad, her and myself. Thats not healthy. I ended up divorcing her dad and that is not always the answer and not always healthy but sometimes can be the healthiest thing at the time for you both. Just depends on how things are with parents of a child. I remarried when she was 2 years old and now she is 21. She has said that her stepfather is really her dad and she never talks to her real daddy. I'm not saying that divorce is always the right answer because if 2 people can love each other and stick things out sometimes they will work. But it really takes lots of hard work in a situtation like yours. And just one can't do it for very long by herself. In my case, it was the right thing to do. If you go back home where YOU are loved and know it without a doubt then your baby will have the best chance for a happy life for now. Maybe her father will come around in a few weeks and you can decide from that point how serious he will be and what he really wants to do. If he wants to be the other responsible parent or just a part-time dad. Don't ever let anyone tell you that nobody will want you anylonger since you have another mans baby either. I admire you for asking for advice instead of just being miserable there and waiting on him to come around. Your going back home could be the key to open up his eyes. Its hard to resist a newborn baby that is your very own. Mother or Father. And if it takes him a year to come around then whats that compared to your lifetime of being happy. You don't have to start out on the wrong foot. I'd give him and me some space and you already know that you love that beautiful baby give him a chance to come around. You can bet your last dollar that if you leave and go back home; that he'll be wondering and probably be to see you there soon. At that time you'll just have to play it safe and see where his guilty mind will take him. He'll probably come around and might even move to where you are. Leaving and going back home might not sound exceptionally good to you right now BUT does staying where you feel like you might not be wanted? You'll make the very best decisions for you and the baby I'm sure of it. God Bless You and Your Baby and the decisions that lie ahead of you.

Old 09-07-2006, 02:01 PM   #10
Join Date: Sep 2006
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bttrfly2107 HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

It's me again. So we sat down and talked about the whole situation and I told him that I'm upset about what happened and I feel almost tricked into moving here. He told me that he never meant for there to be any miscommunication and his main focus right now is being able to provide for me and the baby and making sure that we're taken care of. Which is why right now he's working 2 jobs and going to school part time. He told he wants to work so much right now so that I don't have to. He also told me that when it comes to our being in a relationship, he thinks that trying to make a relationship work right now would just be way too much added pressure our relationship is the one thing that can be slowed down right now. I've also known for a long time that he's somewhat afraid of committment because his parents got divorced when he was 5 and that was something else that he brought up. He's afraid of us putting so much pressure on trying to make a relationship work right now that we'll just end up hating each other in 5 years. So I think that maybe he has some valid reasons but this is definatley something that should have been brought long before we decided to move away and live with each other. I still feel that there is no reason for me to be here if we aren't going to be in a committed relationship. If all he was concerned about was being a good father, we can work out visitations or custody.

Old 09-26-2006, 01:13 AM   #11
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LindaSueBob HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

Sounds like my daughters situation. She had a boyfriend we now call ****-stain or waste of skin or sperm donor, whichever you like. He could not hold a job, drank, had her sign on a car loan, had another kid he never told her about where he owed 12 grand in back child support, a previous prison record and is on the California registered sex offender list. To put it short, she moved back home with us and baby, is continuing college with our support and the stain is back in prison where he belongs. You need to move back to where you can get support and dump the loser, never let him see the baby which is what she is doing. Changing her last name to ours and has full custody and he will never see the baby. He sounds like just another dead beat dad and you need to lose him.

Old 09-26-2006, 11:40 PM   #12
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 19
shoe HB User
Re: pregnant and suddenly just what??

man that must suck ...
you sure the baby is his ... is he sure ... maybe this is the problem?
or maybe he started seeing someone else? maybe someone that is willing to do things for him, you weren't?
maybe his gay and realising it now? ... it happens
maybe his parents don't want you guys together?
maybe he doesn't find you attractive anymore?
maybe his a loser?
maybe he doesn't want to man-up and take care of his? ... alot of men are like this ...
i can't think of any other reasons but good luck ...

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