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slept with ex, AGAIN

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Old 09-07-2006, 01:12 PM   #1
graavy train
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 7
graavy train HB User
slept with ex, AGAIN

my ex and i keep breaking up and getting back together. my ex bf freaks out and dumps me when we fight too much. it's ridiculous. i literally have said to him when we broke up before, "see you in two months." this is like the third time it's happened. it is now the beginning of September, exactly 2 MONTHS since he said we had to "acknowledge that it's not working" (after nine months of being together). i get a text message last night after practically no contact for 2 months. it said, "can we have dinner sometime, or do you hate me too much?" absurd.

then he called, and i basically ripped him a new one trying to get him to remember all of the bad things about our relationship. but i don't hate him. i'm not even mad. what's wrong with me? he claims he was numb the first month (i am always really really sad the first month). then the second month, he starts thinking he screwed up and the feelings become unbearable and then he tries to get back together with me. it's ALWAYS practically two months ON THE DOT.

then, i did something bad, but it feels so good. i invited him over after talking for two hours. we slept together, and it was such a high. it's ridiculous--we're like drug addicts. i know i'm didn't do the "right" thing. I did tell him "this doesn't mean we're getting back together," which he of course said "I understand."

i guess i can't be with him. obviously i can't trust that he won't break up with me again. we acknowledge he/we have a huge problem. but he really does think it's love. I don't know. I'm starting to think it's something else. anyway, if it IS love, it's not a functional love. it's pathological, and it hurts us both, at times. at other times it's f'ing perfect. i'm starting to wonder if i have bad self-esteem or something. why the hell else would i let him get back together with me? you know the saying: once, shame on you, twice shame on me--well THREE times and i feel like i should just lay down in the road and let myself get run over by a bus.

anyway, blech. has anyone experienced this? an ex (whom you still LOVE SO MUCH) just KEEPS COMING BACK? if he loves me so much, why's he breaking up with me in the first place? why am i not putting my foot down? i feel like i'm just refusing to move on. WHY??

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Old 09-07-2006, 01:23 PM   #2
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 182
Shorty39 HB User
Re: slept with ex, AGAIN

Sometimes we are too bad for our own good. HaHa I know hun, its hard to not talk to him because he's a familiar face. You and him do need to sit down and decide if this is TRUELY something that can work for the both of you. You don't need all the extra stuff like fussing and breaking up and then back on again. In some way this could be a red flag for you and mean that you need to just break if off completely and be fully self controlled. I'm sure you have the chance to meet other guys and get to know someone else that doesn't just break things off w/you when the going gets tough. Weigh your pros and cons and you'll make the right decision for yourself and him. Best of luck and keep us posted of what you are feeling and going to do.

Old 09-07-2006, 10:02 PM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 470
plasva HB User
Re: slept with ex, AGAIN

You still love him... he still loves you.

I am wondering what not try like 10 sessions of relationship counselling and work on improving your communication and compromises, so you won't fight as much?

Then, if nothing as changed, good-bye forever.

Sometimes we don't put our foot down until the desire to not be hurt again becomes even more important than the love we feel.
And sometimes, something keeps bringing people back together for a reason....
It's not so black-and-white.

Don't sleep with him again, though, until you're commited to one direction or another.

Old 09-07-2006, 11:19 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 645
Fabat40 HB User
Re: slept with ex, AGAIN

Originally Posted by graavy train
anyway, blech. has anyone experienced this? an ex (whom you still LOVE SO MUCH) just KEEPS COMING BACK? if he loves me so much, why's he breaking up with me in the first place? why am i not putting my foot down? i feel like i'm just refusing to move on. WHY??

OOOOhhhh yeah.... been there, I've done that... girl, it's such a high, isn't it? But this sort of making up and breaking up will only make you go bonkers! and will definitely screw up your judgement.

Sounds like he can't make up his mind... so, make it up for him.

it's so crazy though, but make up sex is such a high! HAHA! but from my experience, it took me a long time to get over the guy I had this sort of relationship with. Take a deep breath, assess the whole relationship (I think you already did that) and then make up your mind.

Good luck.


Old 09-08-2006, 02:23 AM   #5
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Lagos, Nigeria
Posts: 176
minijumbofly HB User
Re: slept with ex, AGAIN

Hmmm, so given this update and what you said a couple days ago in the last post, I believe you actually never even come close to letting him go... and he knows it.

When he said "see you around" and you said "see you in 2 months" Both of you were just listening but not actually believing that it's the end. The breakups ended as no more than just..... "cooling periods".

Good news, you are both predictable. Bad news?? The cycle will repeat. OK, may be it's NOT bad news to you. Frankly, I think both of you enjoyed these little going back and forth lovers quarrels. You put on the make up (set up), he flirts back (took the bait), he calls (bite), you have sex (setting the hook)....yada yada.

I've seen it gone both ways. i.e. happy & sad endings. I'm hoping it will be the happy one for you, of course.

Old 09-08-2006, 07:21 AM   #6
graavy train
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 7
graavy train HB User
Re: slept with ex, AGAIN

no, i'm realizing that you're absolutely right. that's the problem--i've never been able to ACCEPT that it's over. that's definitely partly because we keep getting back together--i EXPECT that he's coming back and, because i haven't made up my own independent mind to break it off, i accept him back. and one of the reasons that i expect him back is because, even though we break up, i probably subconsciously know that we're going to get back together, so i don't view it as a total abandonment and i don't get too wrecked over it?

and, when he breaks up with me, he's panicking and relieving his anxiety about the fighting by skipping town? and that unconsciously he knows that we'll get back together?

well, i feel like it's f**d, you know? i don't see how to break this pattern. because, in a way, if what all you're saying is true, the cooling off periods are just as much a part of our relationship as the together parts. that's screwed up.

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