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Adult Son Considers Step Mom His Mother

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Old 09-11-2006, 11:53 AM   #1
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 6
tessa1960 HB User
Angry Adult Son Considers Step Mom His Mother


I have been divorced for 7 yrs. was married to him for 18 years & together for 21 yrs. We had 4 children. When we divorced 2 were grown & on their own. We had twin boys age 13 at the time and now ready to turn 22 yrs. Old.

There was lots of hurtful words and degrading from the ex during our marriage. I knew to make the boys lives “peaceful” (as well as mine, I needed to stay in the marriage until they were out of school. I couldn’t do it and knew the worst would yet come.

I always did everything a good mother should. I kept the house cleaned, shopped for clothes for the family, prepared homemade meals everyday, the PTA, 4-H, sports, travel sports, etc….

Well during the divorce things turned out worse than I could have imagined. More degrading, turning the kids against me for anything & everything. After many legal battles on my husband’s part & all the money he spent, it finally ended up in the boys living with their father. He tried to push shared custody with demands that they rotate homes every night – we were all worn out. The boys were failing in school, starting to get into trouble. The decision was made by all of us that things couldn’t continue like that any longer. After the decision of the boys residing at their fathers house full time with me paying child support and getting the evening & weekends – things went wilder! Their father did everything to make me look bad. I couldn’t even attend sporting events without him standing up in the crowd & yelling – “Look there is the **(*(* that gave up her sons” It was embarrassing for me & the boys. It got so bad I had to sneak visitation, things that needed to be done at school, etc… The boys knew what was going on & I knew when they were out of school they would see the other complete side. And they had to go along with their dad for those years to keep him calmed down to avoid his furry.

Well, we both have since remarried- we both are very happy. His nature will & has never changed and his wife is just about like him. They thrive on anything they can to yet make me look bad to anyone & everyone, including my children.

The kids have come back around to their senses and admit to what happened during the decision of their living arrangements, etc. All to keep their dad happy, etc.

He has always made a lot more money than me and he will spend every dime to make it clear he buys more for the kids. I have always lived on a simple budget and do what I can within my budget. And that is always the rumor around our small community – about how I hardly do anything yet financially for my kids. He will pay back taxes for my 30 year old daughter, on and on for all of the adult children. When my belief is that my children are adults & if they keep getting themselves in financial messes over & over again – you can’t keep bailing them out or they will never learn.

Anyway – the hurtful thing has been the new mom. Which all of my kids get along with her & her children. It’s another family for them. Heck, I say all get along & quit comparing and putting others down.
One of my sons who is still in collage has always said it is his 2nd mom. That’s fine as long as he remembers who his real mom is. He plays his dad & me for money. He thinks I should still split everything financially with his dad like child support. Anything from dental bills, over the limit cell phone bills, etc.

And every time I can’t afford it – it’s another hateful phone call from their dad and my kids saying I don’t do anything for them. AS well as rumors around town that are spread by their dad & 2nd mom. They thrive off of it.

I do pay for my son’s basic monthly cell phone bill and some small things here & there for him while in college. That is all I can afford within my budget.

Then I hear that he told his step mom that he considers her as his mom since I haven’t done as much as her for him. I don’t know if this is a play to her to keep her in the good or not. Then he tells me she gets on his nerves but does consider her a 2nd mom. That part is okay to me – but not the part where I haven’t done as much for him as her. What happened to all I have done for all of his years and she’s only been in the picture for 3 years?

It makes me sick to my stomach….

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Old 09-11-2006, 02:01 PM   #2
Join Date: May 2006
Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
Posts: 745
minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Adult Son Considers Step Mom His Mother

Reading that made me sick to my stomach too. It sounds like you've done all you can to help your kids. Gosh, I almost wonder if there is anything you can do legally in this situation, but I'm not sure what that would be. Do you explain to your kids that you make a lot less money than their dad? Your kids sound very ungrateful even though you've done all you can. I think paying for a 22 year old's cell phone isn't even right. He's 22, he should be able to pay for his own cell phone! And you're right, at age 30, your daughter shouldn't need any financial help from her parents! Ugh, talk about a frustrating situation. I guess I don't have much advice for you, but I hate to write to say that I'm very sorry for your situation and I hope it improves. How about trying to spend more quality time with your son? I know it can be hard to get a 22 year old to open up to bonding time with mom, however. Maybe some family counseling with just you and the "kids" so you can have the opportunity to tell them how much this has hurt you?

Old 09-12-2006, 01:22 PM   #3
Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 22
floating_gal HB User
Re: Adult Son Considers Step Mom His Mother

I really feel for you and I think you should stop being so insanely nice!!!
Don't think that by speaking your mind your son will reject you-on the contrary, he will respect you more.
You should state plain and simply that you don't have the resources that your ex-husband has-your sons must surely understand that.
And stop being the victim!!If you see yourself as a victim, then you will be one.
YOu don't have to apologize for anything-stop being so nice to your sons-if you feel they are being materialistic and ungrateful, don't bend over backwards explaining yourself.
I wish you the best of luck and be strong.

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