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his family is too much for me

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Old 09-16-2006, 06:22 AM   #1
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Chez19 HB User
Angry his family is too much for me

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I are both 20 and live at home. He is the eldest of 5 (below him are boys 17, 14, 11 and girl 9) and his family is driving me nuts. I love them all, of course, but some things really get under my skin and I don't know how to deal with them without offending my boyfriend or without blowing a fuse! or going insane!

His parents both work ridiculous hours to keep the family afloat financially, and frankly they couldn't be working any harder. Unfortunately tho, the house hold disciplin is really poor and the kids just do whatever they want. They take my boyfriend's money without telling him and (what annoys me most) is that they treat his room like its their own personal play room. I cannot tell you how many times we've come home at any hour of the day or night to find one or more (or all) of the kids in my boyfriends bed watching TV, whilst the TV in the 2 lounge rooms are turned off. They leave food and **** in his room all the time and I'm getting to the point of.. if i come home with him another time and find another kid in the bed im going to just walk out! My boy knows that I have an issue with the kids sleeping in the bed (once of them was in a wet swimming costume) so he always tells them to get out, but then, the next day, the same thing happens. I would completely stop staying there altogether but I live with my very Catholic parents who unfortunately don't support my boyfriend of a year and a half sleeping in my bed, which I respect. I really value the couple of nights a week that I spend at his house and I don't want to give it up... but I don't know how to go about telling him that unless things change, I don't know how much longer I can keep staying there with things the way they are. I dont want to rag on his family, because that's unfair and I don't want to disrespect him (or any of them)... but i'm at my wits end! I'm meant to be staying there tomorrow night but I don't know what to say to him tomorrow to either let him know gently or ask him to try and make a further change.

I understand that being the eldest, he has lots of responsibility that I try to help him out with most of the time. But I cannot deal with them continually invading his (and our) personal space and taking no notice of anything he says. Oh, and he cannot afford to move out and neither can I at this stage. Otherwise i'm sure that would be the answer! Please any ideas would be so appreciated!!

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Old 09-16-2006, 11:43 AM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: California, CA, USA
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Destea HB User
Re: his family is too much for me

This is kind of a tough one. Even if he does tell the kids to get out of his room all of the time, he's not their parent and as much as we'd all like kids to listen to their older siblings, odds are not in your favor that it will ever happen. He can practice locking his doors (get a lock on the outside that takes a key?) I suppose, but whether or not his parents are okay with that is also up in there air.

An unfortunate side effect, is that this isn't your space - it's his, and if he's not pushing that fact or backing it up with the siblings I doubt there's anything you can say to make it happen. I can definitely see how this would be frustrating, I'd have a heck of a time dealing with it too. But ultimate, when you don't *really* have your "own" space in a home, it's hard to make the rules without the parents getting involved.

TO drive your own point home, and try to get your boyfriend in your corner - tell him what you told us. Tell him you do really like his family, and you're not trying to disrespect anyone, but you honestly need more personal time with him and have concerns about his lack of ... well, response at all, to how his siblings treat his personal space. You're not sure if you can come over as much or spend nights there if that's how it's going to be. That's your own call to make, and how he responds to that is up to him.

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