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Should I continue seeing this woman ... ?

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Old 09-23-2006, 02:17 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: London, UK
Posts: 3
LondonGuy66 HB User
Question Should I continue seeing this woman ... ?

Should I continue seeing this woman ?

I have been dating a woman for about two months but now I'm wondering whether we are right together long term.

Its a long story, so I'd better start at the beginning with a little of my history ...

I'm a 40 year old guy, living in the Uk, divorced last year after 16 years of (mostly) happy marriage, puntuated by abusive and
sometimes violent confrontation from my ex.

I became unhappy with the relationship after about a year and a half when my first son was born as, (unknown to me at the time) my ex suffered
from post natal depression, resulting in mood swings, confrontation and physical violence towards me.

Much of her aggressive behaviour I attributed to problems during her childhood, where here parents would fight (verbally and physically)
in her prescence. She attended councelling for these issues which did improve her outlook.

We continued the relationship, but it was punctuated at regular intervals by arguments, most of which related to her beleiving that any thing bad that
I did was because I did not love her. This was not the case as all I wanted to do was love and be loved.

After about five years of marriage, while we were going through a rough patch, she slept with her best friends husband, though it was two
years before I learned of this.

I was upset and angry, but after I'd calmed down and we had talked, I forgave her.

Things continued, maybe even improved for a number of years, but I was always being told, when we were arguing, that she'd wished she never married me
and wanted a divorce. I found rejection, over and over again, very hurtful, and gradually closed my heart to her.

I suppose that I wanted someone who was kind and considerate,that I could talk to and would not push me away.

Fast forward to 2 months ago ... I meet an attractive lady, who is kind and conversational, we begin to spend a lot of time together.

On our first date, conversation turns to where weve been, where we want our lives to go etc, at which point she mentions that she has been married three
times, and is in fact still married though she had seperated.

I was initially quite wary, but as time went by, and she told of her previous relationships, I began to see things differently.

She had left home at sixteen after 'problems' with her Father - more about this later. After a period of living rough, in sqauts and shared
accommodation with frinds, she married a coloured friend in order to prevent his deportation and allow him to compete his studies in the UK.

They divorced shortly afterwards.

She then had a child with another black man, who she stayed with for a number of years, finally leaving him because he was violent towards her and
getting into trouble with the police.

She then met and married another man, a soldier, with who she had two children with and remained married for a number of years, until his alcoholism and
violence forced her to leave.

She was finally married to a Turkish man, ten years her junior, who slept around and was verbally and physically abusive towards her.

When we were first together, I found it very difficult to guage how she felt towards me as she would not open up to me. A number of small disagreements
between us caused her to completely shut me out - not talking, or even looking at me, which I found very hard to take, especially after the rejection
from my ex

The first time this happened, I told her in very clear terms that if we had issues, then we had to talk them through, it would be no good her shutting me
out and keeping it bottled up. She promised to do this, but it occurred three more times.

Then, last Saturday, I went (unexpectedly) to a nightclub with friends (the show we were to watch was cancelled at the last minute) and met a girl.
We hit it off straight away, she is witty and communicative, with only one ex marriage and no childhood issues. There was so much more communication
(my current girlfriend is quite quiet) with a lot of banter and verbal sparring. We ended up dancing together and kissing, swapped phone numbers and parted.

Upon returning to my girlfriend, she was unhappy at a mix-up with the evening as she had arranged to come to collect my friends and I from the evening out,
but I cancelled as one of my friends girlfriend had offerred us a lift back.

So, on the following day, I received the same, cold shoulder treatment, we spent the day apart.

At this point I decided to call the girl and arrange a drink. I had already made it clear to her that I was already in a relationship, though there were
problems, and would not sleep with her while I was still seeing her.

We met, spent time together, and enjoyed each others company. I went back for coffee, and no more.

The following day, I decided that I would finish the relationship with my current girlfriend, and called at her house to collect some belongings.
When I told her, she clung to me, in tears and told me that she loved me and was so sorry for shutting me out. We talked for three hours, until I found out
that the reason why she shut off was because she had been physically (not sexually) abused by her Father during childhood. I told her of my fear of rejection
caused by my ex wife and we ended up sitting on the stairs, holding each other and crying.

I told her that I wouldnt go and we'd work things out. I also told her about the other girl who I had been out with the previous day as I didnt want any
secrets to remain. She was understandably upset and hurt, but forgave me.

I have since spoken to 'new girl' on the phone and explained that things were a little more complicated than I anticipated
in finishing the relationship, and to bear with me while I let my girlfriend down gently. she joked with me and said that maybe I might be the 'right'
man to help put my girlfriends life back together again.

I'm not sure i can do that.

Any comments or advice please !

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Old 09-23-2006, 06:56 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The UK
Posts: 1,314
Nina000 HB User
Re: Should I continue seeing this woman ... ?

Hi there LondonGuy

While I agree that you need to break it off with your gf, I find the way you did it inconsiderate. You should have finished it off with her FIRST, and then danced, kissed and swapped telephone numbers. It doesn't have to be sex to be called betrayal.

Anyway, the best way to have put an end to your relationship is NOT to mention future love plans. What do you gain by letting her know?

Given her past, I think you will have a hard time dealing with her emotional instability. Whether you want to do that, depends on how much you love her and ready to accept the baggage. By the sounds of it, you don't love her enough. But I might be wrong.

You need to know if you are ready to stand by her.

Good luck

Last edited by Nina000; 09-23-2006 at 07:08 AM.

Old 09-23-2006, 08:27 AM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: London, UK
Posts: 3
LondonGuy66 HB User
Re: Should I continue seeing this woman ... ?

Yes it was inconsiderate and I do feel bad about it.

To be honest, I think I know the answer already - I dont love her enough and would find her emotional instability very difficult to deal with.

I think that I must finish the relationship.

Old 09-23-2006, 04:54 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: May 2006
Location: kent
Posts: 1,435
brook65 HB User
Re: Should I continue seeing this woman ... ?

Hi the fact that you enjoyed the company of another lady so easily, and thought nothing of swapping numbers , would imply that your feelings for your present girlfreind have probably already gone.

I think you know that your heart is no longer in it, and perhaps she was just a rebound.

Maybe you should spend some time on your own before getting into another serious relationship, and then decide who is the most compatible type of woman for you.

Old 09-24-2006, 02:21 AM   #5
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: London, UK
Posts: 3
LondonGuy66 HB User
Re: Should I continue seeing this woman ... ?

Its true, the fact that things went as far as they did showed me that i was not really committed to the relationship.

I have in fact now finished the relationship and intend to spend some time before getting into another relationship

Old 09-24-2006, 06:17 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
Join Date: May 2006
Location: kent
Posts: 1,435
brook65 HB User
Re: Should I continue seeing this woman ... ?

Yeah, I think you have done the right thing, and you obviously think that way to.

The staying out of serious relationships for a while is good to, as at least you can have fun, without the guilt attached.

When you meet the right girl, you will have no desire to go out and flirt with other ladies.

Best of luck to you

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