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He has pulled away from me

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Old 09-24-2006, 04:09 AM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 69
lovingyou HB User
Unhappy He has pulled away from me

What should I do? He says we need time apart?

Last week,I came back from a weekend spent with my boyfriend. We spent a nice weekend but today we argued a little. I started to cry and he got really upset with me and told me that these kind of situations makes him hesitate to be sure about us. He told me that he thinks we need time apart. He reassured me he is not breaking up with me but he needs time to think about us, his life, his career plans. What do you think I should do? I wanted to find out from him today if he sees me in his future and he said that he feels like I am always pressuring to talk to me about us and he says our fights and my cries do not make him feel too convinced about us. When I was leaving today, he kissed me and said to me " see you ok?". He said he does not want anybody else, he just wants time on his own as he feels exhausted with everything. He said that we will not plan our next meeting now as he felt forced to meet me last time.

I was very sad to hear that but he said that he could not say no to me when I suggested to meet last weekend. He also told me that he has enough stress with his own job, he does not need stress from me. It's been a week already since we talked..

What do you suggest I should do?

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Old 09-24-2006, 08:37 AM   #2
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 264
BetsyJean HB User
Re: He has pulled away from me

First of all, I want you to sit down and list everything you do withOUT your boyfriend.
Second, I want you guess approximately how much time you spend thinking about him, wondering about the future with him, worrying about how is currently feeling.

Then, I want you to take a deep breath.
This man is clearly overwhelmed by your emotional & relationship needs.
Neither of you is necessarily wrong, but maybe you are both with the wrong person if he wants someone who wants more than he has to give, and you need someone who's wants an intimate relationship.

I can't tell you what to do. But HE has told you what he needs.
If you DON'T back of you will lose him.
If you DO back off you are not getting what YOU need.

Personally, I would have to say that I'd do what you don't want to hear...
I'd break this off and admit that while you love one another you're not the best person for each other.

He is NOT ready for any sort of emotional commitment... And you can't make him be if he is not ready. Anytime you try to "talk to him about us" he is going to just shut down and hear nothing except a female whining. Some men just don't get the fact that we need to talk -
Someone like you had better have onethat does...
Best of luck...

Old 09-30-2006, 11:36 AM   #3
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 69
lovingyou HB User
Re: He has pulled away from me

So my boyfriend sent me one text message and he called me today I was so worried he will not call me but he did. We talked about his holidays, my job, his job, my new house. The conversation was calm, which I am happy about. I did not mention anything about us, our relationship, our argument before he left, I did not question his feelings and I did not suggest our next meeting. I thanked him for the phone call and wished him a nice weekend.

The conversation was calm but I felt like he is closed up. I felt that we both were a little nervous, especially he sounded a little uneasy. I want to take it easy as he told me that he feels fed up with his job and he is feeling tired after coming back from his trip.

I want to see him but I want him to suggest it. I am worried that he will not? But I am happy he called. What do you think?

Old 09-30-2006, 04:26 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: May 2006
Location: kent
Posts: 1,435
brook65 HB User
Re: He has pulled away from me

Loving you

Sorry but this guy sounds weide to say the least.

From what you say, he sounds completely heartless and totally non commital.

All couple have auguments, you cried, and then he says you need time apart for that reason?

It sounds like he is manipulating you in a strange sort of way. The next thing your be doing is apologising for wanting to see him, and apologising for crying after you have had a row! Basically apologising for having feelings.

How long have you been together? does he get angry if you try and ask about the future, ie where are you both going?

I don't know, red flags are flying abit here

Old 10-01-2006, 07:02 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,104
tnmomofive HB User
Re: He has pulled away from me

I agree with both betsy and brook
You need to have time doing things without your b/f too,maybe you were,just saying.He may have been feeling smothered though.
Brook brought up some good points too I mean most men can't stand drama but same time he should act more caring about your feelings as his g/f.Please do not apologize to him for getting upset we are entitled to our feelings.

Old 10-01-2006, 05:28 PM   #6
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 197
JBravo223 HB User
Re: He has pulled away from me

this sounds a lot like me and my ex-girlfriend. when ever I brought up out relationship she would get upset and say that by talking about our relationship I am pushing her away. the truth is that if some one wants to be with you and really loves you they would talk to you about your relationship if you had concerns about it. kind of sounds like a cold dude... he may not want to be with you anymore so proceed with caution...

Old 10-01-2006, 06:09 PM   #7
Junior Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ca
Posts: 22
karimah1 HB User
Re: He has pulled away from me

It sound like this guy had a case of good old fashioned commitment phobia. I had a boyfriend that would get upset with me if we would have disagreements and if I would become emotional (crying) he would hang the "see I don't think that we should be together" over my head to munipulate me to behave in a way that did not make him feel uncomfortable.

This guy would also get close and then pull away and didn't want to be questioned as to why he would pull away. He also would belittle me in subtle ways and I became more and more insecure about myself all the while trying more and more to win his approval.

Soon it became all about him for me, how could I make him happy instead of how can I make myself happy, how can I get him to appreciate me more instead of how I should appreciate myself and dump this jerk. He would make comments about women on what he finds desirable and I would try to mold myself into what he wanted instead of what I wanted for myself.

I hope that you will not lose your voice and lose sight of what you want and need and that you will not apologize for what you need.

well wishes

Old 10-02-2006, 09:48 AM   #8
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 64
whiteslopes HB User
Re: He has pulled away from me

Loving you,

A boyfriend should want to see you more often than over a week at a time, especially if you're not long distance.

He's contradicting himself by saying he wants to stay with you then telling you that "it's too much" when you express hurt feelings, followed by not contacting you for a week.

He's conflicted within himself and either way you're not getting honesty from him or fair treatment.

I would definitely start investing more time in yourself and your friends, anyone who will be part of a good support network. Also start committing time elsewhere that cannot be cancelled. It's better to re-gain confidence and be more indifferent to his weird treatment than be totally unprepared if you end up on your own.

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