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  • Anyone trapped in a loveless/sexless marriage???

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    Old 10-07-2006, 05:12 PM   #1
    Kymberlee
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    Thumbs down Anyone trapped in a loveless/sexless marriage???

    To make a long story short, here goes! We have been married for 13 yrs. now. We have one son, age 7. We used to have a great relationship and back in 1996, he got really depressed. He went and got help (antidepression med.) After a while, we began enjoying our lives together again. Then we moved to another State and had a baby after years of trying! It was a hard pregancy, but, thank God, he was born healthy! Then, he got depressed again! Went back to a Doctor, got on a different med. and was okay for awhile. Then he started to go on & off his meds. without the Doc's approval. He said, "I don't need this anymore!" Total denial. He turned into Dr. Jeckel & Mr. Hyde. Now for about 5 yrs. I have been very unhappy. He is NOT the man I married at all. Yes, I have talked to him, talked to his Doctor, talked to his Mom. He told me last summer he wanted a divorce & it was 'over'. I told him to file. He never did. Then told me last winter, (after being on a new med. that only worked for a few months) that he still loved me. Now he's back to his old mean, nasty self. I try to talk to him with no luck. He tells me it's 'none' of my business. Any imput? I would like to hear what everyone else has to say! Anyone living this way? Or am I the only one????

     
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    Old 10-08-2006, 02:32 AM   #2
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    Re: Anyone trapped in a loveless/sexless marriage???

    I'm sure there are many that are in your situation, so no, you would not be alone in your distress.

    But you are also not 'trapped'. Everyone has a choice.

    You must love your husband, but he may be beyond your help. You can't force him to take meds. But as long as you are still there, he will continue to dish out the crap and think everything is fine.

    Sit him down, and without attacking him, reasonably explain that you can not continue to be treated like this, and can not deal with his mood swings and nastiness... and that it's affecting your relationship. Encourage him to see the doctor and stay on his meds for the benefit of his health, and your relationship. Tell him you love him, want it to work, and want you both to be happy... but realise it will never be until he stops treating you this way.

    I know how hard it is to deal with someone who is depressed. But you can't make excuses for his behaviour if he is making you so unhappy, and you can't be to blame. If you can not get through to him, and you feel so unhappy, then perhaps it's time to make a tough decision for your own welfare.

    Best wishes to you. It's not an easy situation.
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    Old 10-09-2006, 11:17 AM   #3
    messee84
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    Re: Anyone trapped in a loveless/sexless marriage???

    Why are you trapped? I have to say as the now 22 year old daughter of a mum who stayed in her marriage for me and my brother, because she wasn't financially independent and lived miles away from any other family who could have supported her, I can tell you stayin in a loveless marriage is bad news for you and your child. I think it's left me with a lot of emotional damage and mis-trust in relationships. As for my mum, she's still stuck in the marriage and is very miserable but with no where else to go she realises now that she should have left years ago. My advice is put you and your kid first and leave him as soon as you can.

     
    Old 10-10-2006, 03:25 AM   #4
    minijumbofly
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    Re: Anyone trapped in a loveless/sexless marriage???

    Been there, done it...still stuck in it now. Sorry to hear that you have joint the club. What I'm sharing may not provide much for solution but at least you'll know that you are definitely NOT alone.

    In my situtation, I'm the soul bread winner and if I break the marriage, the one suffering most will be my 6 yr old daughter. In addition to the financial issue, I'm hoping to impart more realistic influence on my child which she won't get from her mother.

    My wife is not hardly the person that I thought she was. Just goes to show you that love is blind. It's only now that I'm no longer in love that I see things clearly and logically. So the daily grind goes on, such is the consequences for picking the wrong mate.

    In your situtation, the key now is for you to decide if his depression is the culpit which can be remedied. Are you willing and prepared to stick with him "for better or worse"? If there is any doubt in your mind that you would grow old and gray with him, then you had better prepare yourself to be financially independent to support your son and live apart from your husband.

    I'm choosing to stay for my daughter, not the marriage, until she's old enough to separate truth and facts from the lies and myths. Yes, it SUCKS. But the thought of having her grow up to be just like her mother scares the living day light out of me. I would consider that to be the ultimate irresponsible act as a father which I'm still learning to be everyday.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 10-11-2006, 06:48 AM   #5
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    Re: Anyone trapped in a loveless/sexless marriage???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by minijumbofly
    Been there, done it...still stuck in it now. Sorry to hear that you have joint the club. What I'm sharing may not provide much for solution but at least you'll know that you are definitely NOT alone.

    In my situtation, I'm the soul bread winner and if I break the marriage, the one suffering most will be my 6 yr old daughter. In addition to the financial issue, I'm hoping to impart more realistic influence on my child which she won't get from her mother.

    My wife is not hardly the person that I thought she was. Just goes to show you that love is blind. It's only now that I'm no longer in love that I see things clearly and logically. So the daily grind goes on, such is the consequences for picking the wrong mate.

    In your situtation, the key now is for you to decide if his depression is the culpit which can be remedied. Are you willing and prepared to stick with him "for better or worse"? If there is any doubt in your mind that you would grow old and gray with him, then you had better prepare yourself to be financially independent to support your son and live apart from your husband.

    I'm choosing to stay for my daughter, not the marriage, until she's old enough to separate truth and facts from the lies and myths. Yes, it SUCKS. But the thought of having her grow up to be just like her mother scares the living day light out of me. I would consider that to be the ultimate irresponsible act as a father which I'm still learning to be everyday.

    Good luck.
    As i said in my former post on this thread, I am the product of a marriage where my parents only stayed together for me and my brother and the result is someone who has very little trust in relationships, I am very insecure (possibly the result of living in a home where things were always tense even if they thought they were hiding it from me). I understand your worried your daughter wll end up like your wife without your positive influence but who knows how she'll turn out with the influence of this loveless marriage throughout her childhood.

     
    Old 10-12-2006, 05:59 PM   #6
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    Re: Anyone trapped in a loveless/sexless marriage???

    I was "trapped" in such a marriage for over 20 years. I finally got the Hell out. That is what you need to do. Get out. You are doing no one any favors by staying. There are no easy answers, no magic cure.

    Last edited by Pianoman1959; 10-12-2006 at 06:01 PM.

     
    Old 10-13-2006, 06:24 AM   #7
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    Re: Anyone trapped in a loveless/sexless marriage???

    Does your husband see a therapist? If not, would he be open to getting help for himself, also for your relationship?

    My girlfriend was a very depressed person. Her doctor prescribed all sorts of medicine, until he found the right one for her. IAll the different types of chemicals really confused her mentally. She would have to wean off one to start another. Her mind and body went through so many changes....She became even more depressed, didn't show up for work, and was a completely different person. She then began to self medicate...she would stop taking her meds all together, or take them on selected days. She said she was tired of being depressed and "it just wasn't fair." It was like I didn't know her! She continued with therapy, finally found the right medication and came to be the woman she once was almost a year later.

    Depression is a disease that needs to be treated properly. Sometimes it takes a long time, and lots of experimenting to find the right treatment. My mother had issues with depression and went through the same thing. Irrational thoughts, numbness to feelings, loveless, etc...If you can try to get as much information for yourself to help understand what this disease is about you may feel there is a little hope.

    From what you told us the issue is depression. Are there any other issues you two are dealing with that can put stress on a marriage? Financial problems? Infidelity? Issues with children? Substance abuse?

     
    Old 10-13-2006, 09:36 AM   #8
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    Re: Anyone trapped in a loveless/sexless marriage???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by messee84
    Why are you trapped? I have to say as the now 22 year old daughter of a mum who stayed in her marriage for me and my brother, because she wasn't financially independent and lived miles away from any other family who could have supported her, I can tell you stayin in a loveless marriage is bad news for you and your child. I think it's left me with a lot of emotional damage and mis-trust in relationships. As for my mum, she's still stuck in the marriage and is very miserable but with no where else to go she realises now that she should have left years ago. My advice is put you and your kid first and leave him as soon as you can.

    I have to say that I totally agree, and can relate with the above.

    I also am of a result of two parents staying together 'for the sake of the children', and believe me it can screw you up more, than splitting amicably, then putting children through an unhappy marriage, kids sense the unhappiness between parents, and it does effect them.

    If you stay for the sake of the child, then you are teaching your kids that it is ok to be unhappy, to not be inlove, and kids are very perceptive.

    My sons dad and me split, cause I knew that we both deserved to be happy apart, and not to affect our sons wellbeing and happiness, as it did mine.

    We split for the sake of our child.

    Last edited by brook65; 10-13-2006 at 09:43 AM.

     
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