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rendill 10-15-2006 11:57 PM

Harmful Relationship
Hello, I'm new here and in desperate need of some support. This is going to be a really long post, because I have a really long story. No one I know seems to understand what I'm going through. I'm told that everything that is happening is all [B]my[/B] fault because I'm having a really hard time leaving a harmful/hurtful relationship.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. I'm 19, and he's 20. When we first got together, I loved to go out and party and so did he. We had a great time together, even if it was just us. We fell in love quick, and he moved in with me (I had my own place at 17) almost right away. We were always together and he became my world. But a short while after turning 18, I decided that I was ready to grow up. I stopped partying, stopped hanging out with our "loser" friends, and started trying to build a life for myself. I guess I expected my boyfriend to move right along that road with me. Of course that's not how it happened.

We started fighting really bad when he'd want to go out every night, and when he'd come home all jacked up on cocaine. He'd get violent, especially when he was drunk, and though he never hit me, he'd put me in head locks, choke me, hold me down, lock me in rooms... there were times when I was scared he was really going to hurt me. It got so bad.. I would have panic attacks. But I could never really believe any of it was happening... this wasn't the person I fell in love with. He'd get me back every time because he'd promise to change and that things would get better. He would cry and tell me that he loved me and that he didn't know what came over him when he'd get so mad... and for awhile, we'd be in love again... everything was ok again until the next weekend.

Here's where it gets complicated. He eventually DID change. He hasn't been violent towards me for about a year. He's learned to manage his temper, and isn't so quick to get mad. This has really amazed me... and this is what drives me to stay with him now, thinking eventually EVERYTHING else will work out.

In October of last year, he cheated on me. He says he doesn't know why he did it, and that he "hates himself for it." I figured that he was at least honest about it, and I could see that it did hurt him. Like an idiot, I took him back about a month later, even after he said he'd been with 2 other women while we were broken up. At that point, I didn't know how to live without him. Being with him hurt, knowing what he had done, but being without him seemed worse. As far as I know (but I think about it and accuse him all the time), he hasn't cheated on me since.

He still does coke. He's addicted. There are times when he'll blow me off, lie to me, disrespect me and my house by bringing it here, steal money from his family, sell his possessions, and dissapear for days because he goes on binges. When he comes down four days later, he cries and says he hates the drug and really wants to quit, but he just can't. He even attempted suicide once because he "hated himself for hurting me." Of course every time this happens I break up with him, or tell him that I wont take him back unless he goes to rehab. Everytime he promises he will, but usually about 2 weeks later, he's done nothing and is back to being a jerk.

He doesn't have a job, and has always had a very hard time holding one down. He says he gets depressed and unhappy with himself when he isn't working, and blames that for all our problems. When he does work, and when everything else in life is going ok, then our relationship can be wonderful. He treats me like a queen.. makes me smile and is always there for me. Until, of course, something bad happens and he lets everything get messed up again.

He never keeps promises. I can count dozens of promises he's made that he hasn't kept. He makes me look stupid in front of people, he'd rather go out and drink than support me when I've had a bad day, he never talks about anything anymore, especially not our problems, and he doesn't like hearing about mine. He does nothing to gain any trust from me, and I feel like I have to babysit him all the time just to keep him out of trouble. I hate smothering him, but I feel like there's nothing else I can do. I can't handle sitting up all night, waiting for him to come home, and worrying about what he's done or if he'll end up in jail. Wondering when he'll screw me over next, or if he even really loves me at all.

I realize that I can't do this anymore. I quit my job and quit college for this semester because of all of this. It's like I'm letting this ruin my life, and my whole reason for living is just to help him and try to save our relationship. I find myself in tears at least 3 or 4 times a week, and my social life and health have really suffered too. I see all of this and I wonder why in the hell I keep putting up with it... how I let him do all of this to me.... how I can do this to myself. I know I would be better off without him and all of this pain, and yet I can't bring myself to let go. I'm afraid to be alone, afraid I wont find someone as physically attractive as him (our sex life has never suffered), and I still love the good person inside of him that I know he can be. I keep thinking that he'll change, because he's done it before. I want more than anything for all this effort to amount to something, yet at the same time, I just want to be free from all of this.

Every time I break up with him, I'm strong for a day or two, determined to move on, and then I cave. He says over and over again that he loves me more than anything, and he doesn't know why he hurts me or why he can't just put in the effort to make himself happy, and then try to fix our relationship. Last night he left instead of working out a fight we had the day before. When I talked to him today, he said that he wants a break, but he loves me and wishes we could make things work. He said he doesn't know why this is happening, or why he hurts me. He said he can't handle the stress right now either. I told him that it was over.. that I can't and wont put up with this anymore. This time I'm more determined than ever, but I'm afraid that he'll be back in a day or two, and that I'll give in again.

Can someone please tell me why I keep letting myself go through this? Why he wont make any attempts to make things better? Why he drills it into my head that he loves me and wants to get better? Why it's so hard to let go of someone who is ruining my life? How to move on? I know I have to... I know I have to take care of myself first... I know I don't want this anymore... believe me, I know. But my own heart is betraying me. No one understands, especially not me.

Thanks for your time,

Ridgemont 10-16-2006 02:08 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship
Perhaps a part of you still wants him for security or something. Let me tell you, I don't know you but you say that you are mature and it is obvious that he isnt as mature. I think you need to listen to what your head is telling you and not your heart. If you stay with him, you might just get hurt again and again. ANd you deserve better than that. You deserve to be loved by someone who can make you happy. Do you think you guys are drifting apart? LIke your lives may be going in different directions.

I know what its like to keep going back to someone who constantly lets you down time and time again. And no matter how many times they say they are sorry, it still isnt enough is it, sorry doesnt fix everything.

I dont know if i have been of any help, i hope i have. Good luck.

rendill 10-16-2006 02:38 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship
[QUOTE=Ridgemont]Do you think you guys are drifting apart? LIke your lives may be going in different directions.

I think we drifted apart a long time ago... but I keep thinking he'll catch up with me. He [i]says[/i] he wants to grow up, make something of himself and be proud of who he is... yet he makes no real effort to do anything to help himself. Sometimes I think he actually likes being miserable.

Thank you for your reply. :)

Ridgemont 10-16-2006 03:04 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship
thats fine :) That is exactly like my ex, (sson to be ex) but thats another story, she doesnt want to help herself to grow up and stop being miserable. She doesnt want to get help because she tells me she gets more attention this way.

I know how you feel.

horsybreeze 10-16-2006 03:24 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship
I know where you're coming from very unfortunately... This is my story, sound familiar to you? I also post and read a lot on the Addiction and Recovery board, it helps to speak to people going through the same sort of things (plus he smokes weed everynight).

I'm 32, my boyfriend is 28. We've been together a year and a half and it's been the best year and a half of my life. I can honestly say we both feel we've met the right one, we tell each other we love eath other all the time and really do mean it, and we're on the same wavelength most of the time and get along so great. A month ago, we both rented a place together and it's his first time of moving out of his parents, so I expected it wasn't gonna be the easiest thing for him, and I have to say I've been pretty patient!! I've lived out since 21, so I'm what you would call a happy, go lucky, very independent girly! . The only thing I would say that didn't make him a 100% perfect man was the fact that he smoked weed. I am completely anti drugs, but I put up with it, cos it could be worse, right! So I've always known that, and he has been completely honest with me all along. I knew before I met him that he would occasionally do c0ke as well, but he has looked me in the eyes and sworn blind that he's never done it while with me. Well, to cut a long story short, we went on holiday, we both got drunk and he admitted he had done it since he's been with me. Well, I could hear my heart break. Not cos of that, but because of the lying. I scared him so much in the bar that I was gonna leave him, and told him I can't trust him anymore, which he said he didn't blame me at all. Well, we kinda sorted it and all was OK.

Friday night we went out with some of the guys that we had met on holiday!! Got in really late, sat for a while together in the bedroom, then he went to get a beer. I was so tired I just fell asleep straight away! Anyways, I get up the next morning, have a shower, get ready for dance rehearsals, go in the lounge and find a j0int butt in the ashtray, there's me thinking what the hell did he need that for when he'd already drunk so much. Then I saw it on the floor. White powder and little rocks. How I didn't throw up on the spot I don't know. I didn't wake him up straight away, I was in shock. Then he gets up and I'm crying. He asks what's the matter and I march him into the lounge and say what the ****is that, pointing to the floor. Well, he just didn't know what to say. I lost it. I get ready to go out and leave him. He wouldn't let me out, started crying, I hit him alot, I called him every name, saying he was a loser, and I didn't wanna spend the rest of my life with a drug addict. He kept saying it was a one off and he'd made a terrible mistake. He kept saying he loved me so much, how sorry he was, but it just wasn't cutting it. I asked him where he'd got it from and he wouldn't say, then he said an old school friend who he didn't really know have it to him in the toilet in the pub. And he's such a loser, he didn't take it, he took it a home instead, where thank god, he was so careless cos he was drunk, he dropped some on the floor. I stormed out, he begged me not to go, I've never seen him cry so much.

I was too hungover to drive anywhere, so I went and sat in my car. He didn't know that. He kept phoning asking me to come home, asking where i was, I just told him he obviously didn't give a s*** and hung up. He called my friends husband in tears asking if he'd seen me, he gave him the biggest bo****ing of his life. I sat in the car for about 20 mins then went back. He was sobbing his heart out. He said he couldn't even talk to his mum cos she'd go mad. I told him he was to tell her or I would. He walked out saying he was going for a walk and said he was so, so sorry.

I didn't see him all day, and I ignored all his calls. I'm glad I had dance rehearals, it made me forget it for 3 hours. I wanted him to wallow in his own misery all day and think about what he'd actually done. He called his friend in tears as well, as a got a txt msg from his wife asking if I was OK. She said my boyf was at his mums. His mum did go mad. I eventually went round to get him in the evening. Now he's eating a lot of humble pie. I said if there's a next time I go, for good. I said is it worth losing everything for 20mins of fun.

I hope he learnt his lesson.

Why the hell do I love him so much. Unfortunately I do. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. I so hope he doesn't do this to me again, as I will have to stick to my guns and go, even though I won't want to.

-------- Well, I posted that story about six months ago.... and I must found it and argued about it, and he's lied about it at least a dozen other times since then.... he actually admitted he did it every week for a while, this is someone who apparently 'doesn't have problem and doesn't do it that much'. and... yep, I'm stil there, being taken for a mug and I don't know why.

It's his friends. When we are away from them or he doesn't see them, he's fine, as soon as he even goes out for one night with them, he's bang on it again, even when he's out with me.... Unlucky for him, I can tell within about 30 secs whether he's done it or not. Take the other week... Friday night (hell, I hate Fridays sooo much with a passion, I can't even say, how sad it really is when you think about it)... I had to go to a friends house for dinner, he said he was going for a few drinks with the boys... (try to trust him and not think about what he's doing)... finish dinner, drop my other friend home, get cab to wait outside the bar they are in while I run in and see if they were there..... I wanted to join them all for a last drink. I see them in the bar, go outside and tell cab to go, then goes back in and stand at the bar waiting for a drink... They didn't know I was in there... my boyf was standing there, chatting up some girl, while off his face gear.... He turns round and sees me after about 2 mins, says 'Alright babe' like nothing is wrong.... well to cut a long story short, we had a huge row in the bar and I went home and didn't let him come home. He had to crash on a friends floor,.

It made him realise for a time that maybe I was getting serious when I said if I caught him at the charlie again, that was it. Then the next week we went on holiday. We had a fantastic time, we always do when he's away from everyone and everything.

The last night we were there, we had a huge row and I can't even remember how it started. He punched a hole in the hotel bathroom door and I remember sitting in the bathroom just crying my heart out, about just how *** my life had become and how I couldn't walk away when I know I desperately should do. In the morning, I get up and he asks if I'm OK ! Ha ! I just said no and carried on packing my stuff ready to go home. I said to him I had actually realised that he would never, ever love me more than his cars or his drugs. and that's when he broke down, proper brokedown, saying he hates himself for how badly he's treated me and his family, how cocaine has ruined everything that was good in his life, how he loved me more than he's ever loved anything. He didn't wanna die young, he knows it's killing him slowly. He said he wanted to start over, a clean slate.

Well, since then, he's only smoked 1 joint in the last 2 weeks and as far as i can tell has not touched gear. Unless he's doing so little, I can't notice. I still check his wallet for the snooker membership card he normally uses, and it's always in his wallet a different way round... I can't accuse him of using just on that sign.. but it still makes me not trust him (he never goes snooker, so why the card should be moving as much as it is, I can't think of any other reason).

I'm really sorry for the long post, but I want you to know you're not alone in feeling how you are..... I don't wanna be single either, all my friends are attached and don't even come out anymore... what a life I'll have NOT.

Keep in touch, it's nice to talk to someone in the same position... xx

brazilman 10-16-2006 03:38 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship
Yes, I think this has name: co-dependence. You "need" him, and he needs you. This is not an uncommon situation, and somehow it is a cruel road to maturity (show me someone who was never in such a relationship), but I gather that you are an intelligent person and and I know that you are able to move away from him before he breaks you apart. In other words, you have had enough. High time you moved on.

<< I'm afraid to be alone, afraid I wont find someone as physically attractive as him (our sex life has never suffered), and I still love the good person inside of him that I know he can be. I keep thinking that he'll change, because he's done it before. I want more than anything for all this effort to amount to something, yet at the same time, I just want to be free from all of this. >>

This paragraph shows to me that you have a very low self-esteem. This talk seems to be self-destructive. You have got to change it. He may be a good person inside, but he won't change just because of you. In fact, staying with you has so to say put him in a vicious circle. He, too, has a very low self-esteem. And sorry to say this, but I am afraid that your sex life may soon begin to suffer. He is young and still strong, but living on drugs like that will deplete him and may turn him into a scarecrow. He doesn't know it, but actually he is acting like a ******* sucking your energy. Be realistic: He needs treatment, and you need some time alone to see that being alone with yourself may be not so bad.

And what if you got pregnant from this man? This would be a very critical moment for you. Just think about the ugly consequences of a pregnancy now.

However, it may be difficult for you to part, because he may not want to leave you in peace and keep coming to your place. He may even think that he has a right to stay there. You may need the advice from a lawyer to deal with this possibility. Ideally, you should not see the guy again, if possible moving into a new area.

Remember that you have only this life to live. Don't think that he is the only man in the world who can attract you physically. There is no such thing as heaven on earth in terms of interpersonal relationship, but of course it can be much better than this.

Take the first step.

Best to you.


Willapp 10-16-2006 05:00 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship
Trendkill, I think it's clear from your post what the problem is - every time you split up you let him talk you back into the relationship again.

What you need is the courage and determination to FORCE him to move out when you break up, then simply cut off all contact with him. Period. This is only way you'll make the break up stick, because you won't have him telling you loads of BS for you to take him back.

If you have other friends/family, then get them to help you through the break-up, by being there for you when you're weak and feel like calling him up. Make them stop you. You've at least had the sense to realise that he isn't going to change, and that it's YOU that needs to be the big person and end it for good.

minnesotagirl 10-16-2006 02:25 PM

Re: Harmful Relationship
Hi Nicole,

I’m 28 and I’ve been in your situation before – and in many ways I’m still in your situation. But, I guess I don’t want my post to be long story of me saying “I know what you’re going through.” So to make it short, I know about the abuse, the man changing then getting worse again then changing again and so on, you being young and mature and trying to go to college yet needing to be with him for some reason, him essentially ruining your good intentions, and his dependence on drugs – in my case I always used too, but never as bad as any man in my life.

First off, don’t drop out of college. One thing that has always kept me going is no matter how bad my man was treating me or how many stupid things he was doing, I’ve always tried very hard to not let that get in the way of my education and now career. Of course that is nearly impossible, but I still did graduate college and now I have a job that uses my degree and many years of experience and now I make pretty good money. But, it is hard because I’ve had to deal with fighting phone calls at work, being late to work because of stupid fights, not doing my work because I’m thinking about him, etc., etc. He never realizes how much he’s affected me in that way. What were you going to college for? What kind of job do you want to get? Don’t lose sight of that, please.

You’ve only been with your boyfriend for 2 and a half years. Looking at the big picture of life, that’s not that long. Seriously. It is best to get out now, while you are so young!!!! When I was 19, I was stupidly engaged to a guy who hit me and was an alcoholic – what a mistake! I could have been off talking to and meeting a bunch of different guys. I know it feels like he is the only one in the world for you, but there are other guys out there! Almost all of us who have been in an unhealthy relationship stick around because we think he is unlike any other guy or more special or even better looking than anyone who we would find. We all think that way, seriously. And I don’t think we can all be right! So, he is really not all that special or good looking or good hearted. He’s really not. It is just in your head.

To answer some of your questions:

[QUOTE=trendkill] Can someone please tell me why I keep letting myself go through this? [/QUOTE]
Most likely because you have low self esteem and don’t think that you’re worthy of being loved and treated better than this. You were so young and still developing as a person when you got involved in this relationship that you never really had a chance to “figure yourself out.” All that you’ve known has been his emotional put downs and disappointments and abuse. So now you have lost a lot of love for yourself.

[QUOTE=trendkill] Why he wont make any attempts to make things better? [/QUOTE] He has no reason to. The only way I’ve found to even remotely get some change in these types of men was to completely divorce and leave him and not have contact with him ever. That caused my ex husband to go into an alcoholic state so severe that he ended up in treatment and is now alcohol-free and is a good husband and father to his new wife and son. We weren't meant to be together, and it took the heartbreak he suffered from me leaving him to change. By the time I left, I didn’t love him anymore, other than maybe a love I’d feel for like a family member. I left him for someone else, which wasn’t a good way to go about it at all. My next boyfriend did show some signs of change, very significant change actually, after I had him arrested for beating me up. The judge ordered him to take the domestic abuse/anger management classes, and I think he won’t do that (be physical) again. You should know, however, that these classes made him aware only that the physical abuse is wrong. The hurt caused by his emotional abuse still hasn't registered with him. Sometimes it seems like it does, but then he goes and is emotionally abusive again, so obviously not.

OH, and the real reason your bf won’t change: he is a drug addict. They have to want to change. You will not make him change. He’s not going to change because of you.

[QUOTE=trendkill] Why he drills it into my head that he loves me and wants to get better? [/QUOTE] Because you’re really super nice to him all the time. No one else is like that to him. He is basically using you for support when he has no one else. But, he only turns to you as a last resort. He is manipulating you and he might not even realize that.

[QUOTE=trendkill] Why it's so hard to let go of someone who is ruining my life? [/QUOTE] Again, because of your personal self esteem. You need to learn how to love yourself.

[QUOTE=trendkill] How to move on? [/QUOTE] This is never easy to do. First you need to cut off contact with him. All contact. Not just for a day or two but for months and years. You might even need to move or do something drastic for that to happen. Then, you need to find other things to focus your time and efforts on. College is a great place to start. Then make new friends in college or at work. Girlfriends are great for this type of healing. Focus your time and energy on friends and family and most importantly, yourself. You may need counseling to help get your life on the right path. Actually, based on what you said about your health, I think counseling might be necessary for you. I was never able to get involved in counseling – probably because I’ve always used at the same time. But you’re clean and you can do it and you can heal. And, you absolutely deserve it!

GypsyArcher 10-16-2006 02:35 PM

Re: Harmful Relationship
Sometimes, we prefer the devil we know as opposed to the devil we don't know. Your relationship is not ideal, it isn't making you happy, but it is something you are comfortable and familliar with. It's predictable, even the drama is predictable. It's scary to meet new people and begin new relationships.

The only thing you can really do is just take a breath and leap out of your comfort zone. It's probably scary to think of life without this guy because you likely can't imagine what it would be like. But you're just going to have to get to a place within yourself where you just [I]don't want to[/I] put up with it anymore. Until'll just be walking in a circle, trying to follow that star.

happymom28 10-16-2006 05:12 PM

Re: Harmful Relationship

"Can someone please tell me why I keep letting myself go through this?"

For the same reason so many women before you, you are scared of him and you're affraid of being alone.

"Why he wont make any attempts to make things better?"

He doesn't want to. He thinks it's okay to treat you this way because he is always able to manipulate you into taking him back. He has a serious problem. He is a drug addict and an abuser. He needs serious help and has to want to get it. There is nothing you can do to make him seek it. It is not your fault. There is nothing you can or could have done to change any of how he is.

"Why he drills it into my head that he loves me and wants to get better?"

So he can keep you from leaving. All abusive men are master manipulators, my ex-husband included. They know how to tug at your heart strings and know what you need to hear. He will say whatever it takes to get what he wants no matter who he hurts in the process.

"Why it's so hard to let go of someone who is ruining my life?"

Because you do love him despite all of what he has done. You are caught up in his "potential" rather than the reality of the situation. It is so much easier to keep hoping things will get better. I've been there. You feel ashamed, worthless, embarrassed, etc. That's how he wants you to feel, like you are nothing with out him. He knows deep down this isn't true and that's why he has to hurt and manipulate you into staying.

"How to move on?"

You have to know it is the right thing to do. You've quit your job and school? He has absolute control over you. You need to either move out or throw him out. If he hurts you again you call the police and get a protective order. Change your phone number. Get back into school and get your job back or get another job. You know what you need to do.

Any woman who has been in this situation is going to tell you this is going to be one of the hardest things you are ever going to do. It is also the wisest, healthiest, and strongest thing you could do for yourself. When all is said and done you are going to be more independent, stronger, and confident. You will find a man who treats you like a queen every day, not just when he hurts you.

Best of luck.


rendill 10-17-2006 02:48 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship
Thank you to everyone who has replied. Coming to this forum and reading all of this has really helped. I've felt so alone because I really have no one to talk to or share my feelings with. My best friend just joined the coast guard, so she isn't around, and my other friends are ALL in relationships... most are still in the "falling in love" phase, so they don't understand.

I think this time is different. He's saying it's over too... and so far, he hasn't asked for me to take him back. Normally he'd be back by now. He still has some of his stuff here... some clothes and his snakes. He was supposed to come get everything today, but he didn't. Is he just trying to prolong this? Or is he actually trying to stay away for awhile? I don't know how to feel about this... it's making it hurt even more thinking that maybe he [I]doesn't[/I] want me back. Isn't that messed up?

I know I have low self esteem. I've struggled with body issues and social anxiety. I've never been good at finishing what I start, and this relationship was the exception. It's the one thing I've stuck with and worked this hard at. I still have a lot of growing up to do myself... and I'm hoping that without him and all this pain, I can finally fix all of my personal problems. Counseling is an option... I was seeing someone for awhile after I was diagnosed with the social anxiety, but she kept telling me to leave this guy, and at the time, all I wanted to do was make things work with him. But maybe now I'm ready. Maybe I should go back.

rendill 10-17-2006 03:14 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship
I broke down about an hour ago, and I wrote this poem.. tears streaming down my face the whole time, even though it delivers a very angry message. Letting out all the hate was tough. I'm so angry, yet so sad. Writing helps release all of the emotion, and you can say whatever you want and exactly how you feel. Everyone in my situation should try it. Even if you don't think you're any good at writing. Emotions speak for themselves.

Don't ever say you loved me... please just stop the lie
How could someone love, yet never even try?
Love is about giving... and holding on to someone tight
Love is about repairing the damage when you have a fight
Love is something sacred... rare and profound
So how could you love me if you never want to be around?
You caused all these problems... you know that in your heart
How f&%$ing stupid are you?... letting this fall apart
All it would've taken was honesty, care and respect
But I guess I'm like every responsibility you've chosen to neglect
How could you let go of this... after all that we've been through?
Hasn't all I've done mean anything to you?
I thought you really loved me... I thought 'how could this be?'
I lived in a lie myself... some false reality
Maybe I'm too caring... or maybe I'm just blind
I let you rape my soul... my heart and my mind
It was my strength that carried us.. because you're weak and cold
Pretending to love someone... just to have them there to hold
All the time I've wasted... hoping I could get through
But you never appreciated any of it... all you cared about was you
You'd like to see me cry... you loved to dig right in
And stupid b&%$# I am, for I'd always let you win
How could you be like this?.. How can you even think you have a heart?
Did you ever care about me? Or did you use me right from the start?
And now you have to live with this.. knowing what you've done
But this time it's different... it's me who has won
Your lies won't work anymore... because now I can finally see
Stupid b&%$# no more... you're f&%$ing dead to me.

I keep a poetry journal that I've updated since I was 13. This is one of the rare, good poems that will make it into that journal. It will mark the end of this chapter in my life. I really do think I'm ready to move on. But first, I want him to read this. I want him to know... and I'm going to give him a copy tomorrow when he comes to get his stuff.

brazilman 10-17-2006 07:40 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship
I keep a poetry journal that I've updated since I was 13. This is one of the rare, good poems that will make it into that journal. It will mark the end of this chapter in my life. I really do think I'm ready to move on. But first, I want him to read this. I want him to know... and I'm going to give him a copy tomorrow when he comes to get his stuff.[/QUOTE]

Hi Trendkill:

I agree that writing is a very safe way of exorcizing.

However, I don't think you should show the poem to him. I am not sure that he will be able to appreciate it and then again he may want to explain that you are mistaken etc, and this may re-start this "harmful relationship".

Trendkill, painful as it can be, I think you need a quarantine.

Best to you,


minnesotagirl 10-17-2006 09:25 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship

He is like a drug for you. Just like how he is addicted to cocaine, you are addicted to him. You want him to see this poem because you think it will "make him see how much he's hurt you" and "make him realize what a good thing he is letting go." That's not going to change him. You know that it might cause him to feel bad for a few days, but then he is going to go back to doing you wrong. Just like a drug. It gets you high, but then there are side effects when you come down. And you may desperately think that even those few days of good are worth it, just like a drug addict. Do you see the similarities? And, I'm guessing that since you don't use drugs yourself, you believe they are bad for you. But you are using, you are an addict, each time you take him back. You do need quarantine. You need help. You need to go back to counseling. Your first counselor was right -- she couldn't help you because you wouldn't let go to what was causing you harm. You need to clear your mind to benefit from counseling, and to clear your mind, you need to get him out of your life.

All that you mention in your poem, all the struggles you've gone through with him, those are things that wouldn't happen in a normal relationship. All the things you've done for him may mean something, but he is never going to appreciate any of it. He isn't going to change. No No No. The poem isn't going to change him.

With that being said, I absolutely LOVED your poem. It was VERY well done. I couldn't have done it better myself, and you know what I do for a living? I am a writer, professionally. I have a journalism degree specializing in public relations, and what I do is get paid lots of money to write promotional materials for a large company. I think you'd be great at something like that, too. I think you are TOO GOOD to waste your life putting all your efforts into him. Please, please, please don't do that. You say he is the only thing you've really committed to in life, everything else you quit. That's not right! You have so much more to offer the world -- more than he could ever appreciate.

Are you close to your parents or any siblings? They can be great sources of support while you go through your withdrawl. Yup, you are going to go through withdrawl just like a drug addict. You will cry, but you know what? It is not going to be as bad as you think it is going to be because you're not going to let it get that bad. You're going to write a lot, write down your feelings. You're going to call friends -- who cares if they are in that in love stage of a relationship. Tell them that they can't spend all their time with their boyfriend/girlfriend. It's true, they really shouldn't. So invite over your friends. Do they know about the abuse?

Another good resource for you would be a domestic abuse center in your area. Call them and ask for resources that will help you get him out of your life. I can't imagine someone there not trying to help you.

It is going to be scary to open up like this, but really -- its not as scary as you think, because after time you’re going to feel unbelievably better. Lots of women have gone through what you have, and lots of women have left and moved on and had wonderfully successful lives. You can too. You know it, too, you just need to do it.

rosequartz 10-17-2006 09:31 AM

Re: Harmful Relationship
Just wanted to say EXCELLENT POEM!!!! :blob_fire :blob_fire

Stay strong!

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