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befriending an ex

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Old 10-19-2006, 03:08 PM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2006
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coocoo456 HB User
befriending an ex

so wow, about 3 years ago, I dated this girl for 6 months. everything was good until I found out that she was having mixed feelings between me and the another guy. I caught her and the guy together first time: we had a fight, but tried to work it out. same thing the second time. the third time, I caught them again, and I told her that I want her to make a choice, me or him.

The problem was that between the first and second time, I was befriending another girl(who is now my wife) because I lost trust in her, so I was basically losing feelings for my then 'current' gf, but I wasn't letting her go.

Even though I was losing feelings for my gf, I wasn't letting her go because I did not want to be lonely, so I held on to her(subconsciencely), until I grew a really strong interset in the new girl, and then I broke up with the old gf. It wasn't agreed upon by both parties, as she kept calling me and I just kind of ignored her and I know this hurt her.

at the time, I was mad because I felt she was cheating on me and I put all the blame on her. Now, fastforward to now, even though she was having mixed feelings, I could have handled this in a much better way. i.e, break it off completly, or really try to work it out. I feel bad now.
So 3 years later, now,, I've been working in this company for a year now, and just found out she is a new hire. we met the first day, had some akward moments, but after a couple of more meetings, I'm starting to feel comfortable around her, and I think her to me. She knows that I am married, but I dont know what is going on with her now. I'm really courious as to whether she is dating someone or not. I dont have any interset in dating her as I am married now, but I realy do want to see what is going on. I really have no idea whether she is mad at me or not, or any feelings that she might have towards me.

I really want to talk to her and just kind of apologize to her as I know that while we were dating, I wasn't being the best bf. But I"m afraid that this will just bring some bad memories or it will make us uncomfortable.

At this point now, I know she is a great person and I really want to be her friend and just kind of catch up on what is going on, but I dont want her to feel too akward.

1. do you guys think it is ok to just talk back about our relationship, or should I just forget it. is it too sensitive? is it too corny?

2. on a lighter note, how do I tell my wife? they both know eachother, and my wife gets kind of jealous. the ex gf is really friendly person and I enjoy just talking with her, but I dont want to have to lie over that.

does anyone have any experience in being friends with ex? stories?

Last edited by coocoo456; 10-19-2006 at 03:09 PM.

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Old 10-19-2006, 03:41 PM   #2
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keepsgoin HB User
Re: befriending an ex

I think that you already know what the "right" thing to do is!
I tells it likes a sees it
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Old 10-19-2006, 03:43 PM   #3
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happymom28 HB User
Re: befriending an ex

Befriending an ex is tricky, especially if there are jealous people involved.

My husband is best friends with one of his ex-girlfriends. I knew this when I met him and I thought for sure there was more to it. I met her and her husband and upon going out together and getting to know eachother I came to accept the reality of it. She is now the Godmother of our new baby.

On the other hand, I have an ex-boyfriend that my husband can't stand. We were the type of relationship that when one of us didn't have a girlfriend/boyfriend we were a little more "friendly". This started some 10 years ago and stopped when I started dating my husband. I was completely honest about it with him because that's just how I am. My husband thinks that he is just waiting around hoping for an in. I can kind of see his point.

As long as you don't have feelings for the ex (and she doesn't for you) then I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be able to talk and be friendly. I would be completely honest with your wife about it. You woundn't want her to find out something you may have left out to spare her feelings. It's a lot easier to handle the truth than forgive someone for lying to you.

That's just my opinion.

Old 10-19-2006, 04:31 PM   #4
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: befriending an ex

It sounds like if anyone needs to apologize, it would be your ex. She was the one who cheated on you, repeatedly. Of course your relationship crumbled. You didn't really owe her very much.

Why bother talking to or getting in any way involved with this woman again? She couldn't have ever cared about you at all. You were only together for several months, and the whole time she was running around with someone else. Why bother trying to be friendly or find out how she feels about you? To be blunt, who cares? She treated you like dirt, and was probably only holding on to you because she didn't want to be alone, either.

If she wants to come forward and extend the olive branch, that's one thing. But why go out of your way to become friends with someone who hurt you? Especially if you know it will bother your wife
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

Old 10-19-2006, 04:50 PM   #5
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Br
Posts: 224
brazilman HB User
Re: befriending an ex

OK, I don't know if I have got the whole picture on this, but I am wondering if you just want to apologize to her or if you also want her to give an explanation to you for her previous behaviour.

If I were you, I would rather let the issue slip away. What if you found out that she is in love with someone else? I think you would be jealous of her, wouldn't you? Maybe you'd automatically start to compare yourself to this new guy. This could be a torture for you.

I know this is a very strong temptation for you, but think twice before approaching her again and precipitating events that may ruin your marriage and upset you.

I don't know if you can mend the past. Of course you could say that you are sorry for what you did or said, that now you know better, but I think it is more important for you try not to repeat the same mistakes again.

It is all right to be nice to her, but if I were you I'd keep a safe distance from her.

Besides, we have a funny saying in this country, for which I can't find the equivalent in English. We say something along these lines: "Picking up old affair is like drinking re-heated coffee: both usually won't taste good."

Best of luck to you,


Old 10-19-2006, 08:27 PM   #6
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Join Date: Jun 2005
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LostMyHeart HB User
Re: befriending an ex

I wouldn't bring it up. It's water under the bridge.

Maybe at a later time down the road. After (or if) you've connected on some type of friendship level first - you'll know then if it feels right to do so or not.

Old 10-19-2006, 09:16 PM   #7
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 101
JBravo556 HB User
Re: befriending an ex

dude don't even talk to the girl... she cheated on you the whole time you were with her... now your married. it sounds like you still have feelings for her.

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