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  • What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

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    Old 11-08-2006, 06:49 PM   #16
    galinaqt
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kiehn
    Hi galinaqt (very unique name and Im curious what it means)

    Wow, thanks for the imput. I guess Im one of those that doesnt judge people on their faults, but more on how they treat others. So it never occured to me if I might bring up my past or an aspect of myself I'd like to improve others might look down on me or use it against me. Ive seen a few counselors but have only found two that seem to want to genuinally want to help.

    Long long ago (land b4 time) lol, I still remember thinking all the good guys, friends were already taken. So at almost 50, I may have a better chance of winning the lottery, then finding a close friend. That's not so great casue People that have a lot of money often attract the wrong kind of friendships, so how does one attract the right kind of friendships. Sometimes I try to be so helpful I have actually pushed people away. Other times I simply dont know how to relate, like asking questions without putting someone on the spot. That's what I need to win a Communication skills lottery, hahaha : )

    Maybe this whole friendship issue is just one of those things that has to come on it's own time. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's nice to Hear some one elses outlook sometimes helps open and board our own. If I can be of help in some way let me know. I will keep an eye open for any of your posts. Thanks again, Sue
    My name is Galina and qt is just staying for cute. I didn't mean that without money you can't attract people or it is harder. It is something you born with or readiness to go extra mile for somebody.
    You can find friends volunteering or participating in some groups. You may be nice and no judjumental but its hard for people to trust and open to anybody.

     
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    Old 11-08-2006, 07:26 PM   #17
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    Hi Galina
    I hope that's ok, I really like your name, it's very feminine and pretty. You said nothing wrong, I was just writing my thoughts out loud about money and friends..... I will keep my eyes open for some type of volunteering or hobby or class in our area. You seem to be very caring and considerate those are wonderful friendship qualities. I hope we can talk again. Thanks for your support, advise and for sharing. Take Care, Sue

     
    Old 11-08-2006, 08:00 PM   #18
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    You are welcome.

     
    Old 11-08-2006, 10:04 PM   #19
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kiehn
    Hi Goody.. Im have always problem with insecurity and
    for a brief moment I thought I might have said something to push you away.
    I was rethinking everything I had written then remembered I forgot to
    asked how Erin was doing, how she repsonded to you with your loss. Ok, now babbling, oh my mind was rolling last night. Goody has such insight,
    how fortunate Erin is, why do some kids end up with someone like you and
    others well enough about that. That's what happens when I take my antidepressant it shoot me up fast, sometimes I get hypomanic and have to stop it then I go into depression. Urrrrr...
    Sue, you have never ever said anything to push me away so don't even add that to your worries....okay??? I am quite honest and if I ever find anything offensive I am usually good about speaking up or asking for a clarification.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kiehn
    Focus on the future, that's pretty scary. Im just trying to deal with the present. People learn from life and what life dishes out to us, it's only by new and positive experiences that we learn to trust.
    I understand how you may find it really scary to look to the future when the past hasn't been good to you at all. I will agree that looking at the presnt anad taking one day at a time is more realistic....okay???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kiehn
    In the past I always considered myself a christian, that was kind, considerate, caring. Im not going to go into details but several years ago, I had some severe reality shocks and have never regained my trust in God. I dont know where that leaves me, and I dont think this is the place to discuss it. In fact I'll be honest if my feelings offend you, I will understand. I do not judge anyone elses belief's and have finally found some sort of peace with mine. Maybe God will choose to reinstore that lost trust but Im not going to hold my breath. One day at a time is all I can handle.
    I am glad to see that we are thinking the same....as far as your beliefs they are not mine to question....you said that you were a Christian and have lost trust. You seem lost and struggling perhaps it is time to realize that you do have a friend who hasn't given up on you....Erin told me she is not even sure that she believes in God anymore....I think that this comes from her lack of faith in herself. I tell her that even though she may not believe in God that He still believes in her. Your honesty does not offend me in the least, Sue, in fact it is like a breath of fresh air.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kiehn
    I will check out that movie, it sounds like something I could not only enjoy but benifit from. I love Julia Roberts acting and Im not sure about Dennis Quaid, name is very familiar. Did he play in Quantum leap. I love that show. Time travel my dream vacation.
    I am not sure about Quantum Leap.....but he has been in alot of movies. Don't quote me on this but I think that the movie "Yours, Mine & Ours" was one of his most recent and he also starred in the remake of "Parent Trap".

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kiehn
    I do agree 100% this is a great place to practice, learn, feel accepted. I will extend my offer to you as well if I can ever be of assistance pleae ask. Im not ashamed or embarassed to discuss any aspect of my past bipolar including.
    Thanks, Sue, I will remember that. As far as Erin goes she is having somewhat of a setback since developing an adverse effect to her med. Otherwise we are hanging in there. Thanks for asking.

    ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

     
    Old 11-09-2006, 12:03 PM   #20
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    Hi Goody

    Just some thoughts, love to hear your feedback. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would be if I had, had a mother like you. Someone told me a few years ago, we choose our own parents, we plan out our whole life before we come here. Although I dont judge someone else's beliefs it doesnt mean Im not curious about them, but this was a new one to me that I actually rejected and just the thought infuriated me. I would have never choose this life. It took me a very long time to make any sense of it but strangely now I found some sort of peace and acceptance to my past.

    Speaking up and asking for clarification, that sounds like a good manner of communication. forgive my ignorance but when communication skills where handed out I must have been studying survivor skills. Be forewarned I have handicaped communication skills. The biggest one is I strongly sense something isnt right, ask the other person what's wrong and they say nothing.
    It just happened, my husband came in with a cup of coffee gave me a weird look and set it down very firmly. I kind of brushed it off, then he came in with some patatoes (no he didnt have to make them, but he often makes breakfast) he gave me another strong glare set the bowl down abruptly didnt say a word and left. I went out and asked him what was wrong and he looked at me like I was from another planet and said nothing is wrong. The first time I thought maybe I imagined something that wasnt there but the second time was pretty clear. This is were I get lost, when I see something obvious get the courage to ask yet get a reply like that I dont know where to go. So I've learned it doesnt pay to ask.

    Thanks for being a friend Goody, Im not sure I understand why but I guess this is another one of those one day at a time situations.

    You probably already know that Erin may possibly feel God has deserted her, she sees other teens her age living and enjoying life and she's fighting just to survive. I've also had a lot of problems with meds, Im very med intolerant, in fact when my last p-doc (she was wonderful) left, her replacement told me she's never heard of anyone that has the problem I have with meds. I got the impression she didnt believe me, she had a very cold dispostion. The next time I needed a refill I was told she was on vacation and to go to my reg physician. I've never gone back and began to do even more research on my own. We only have 2 mental health facilities in our area one an hour in each direction. One is where my husbands son goes and even though he is a registered sex offender they wouldnt believe my daughter he molested her, long story we havent gone there in years. The feeling and anger that God deserted me/us was just beginning about then. After the way my daughter and I were treated there I called to report the facility but nothing was ever done they denied everything. She was almost 18 at the time and gave up on getting help for several years after that. Several years later when I finally confinced her to get help at another mental health facility over on the coast they treated her like she was faking it, they were so cold and disrepectful Im surprised she didnt walk out. I dont have to tell you how I was feeling towards God at this point. After several failed med attempts, another doctor saw her he was great, but then he also left. The first doctor relunctedly put her on tegretol and it worked. I begain noticing my condition was worsening, I had to start taking something to calm my anger outburts. My swings were becoming more pronounced. I had my lithium level checked to see if I could up my lithium, which I did and it helped some but it still seem to be getting worse and I was afraid because there was nothing else for me to try. I had nowhere to go for treatment. I told my husband maybe it was time to put me in a home. I got to the point I didnt trust him, I didnt want to be with him, I felt he was conspiring against me. I had also been having many, many health problems for the last 4 years that continued to get worse and worse. The doctors couldnt find anything wrong with me, which didnt help my feeling towards God. Through it all I continued my online research. In the process of trying all difference kinds of idea's for my health problems. I discovered by accident over a couple of years time I was allgeric to or had an intollerance for gluten, wheat, flour, rye, corn, corn surup, (do you know how many thing have corn surup in them?), honey, yeast, soy, milk, dairy, caisen (found in milk, non dairy some meats) oat, some berries, some beans, several oils, some nuts, shell fish, in fact Im still in the process of learning. Here's the amazing thing that I learned. Some of those foods affect my mood swings, especially the corn surup. If I have candy or even gum most of which has corn surup I can take a nose dive into hard depression in a mater of hours. This I just learned. Diet ya, I found a cook book that's dairy, wheat, corn, soy and egg free. It's still very hard, I eat a lot of patatoes, learned to make my own waffles from rice flour and use all fruit jam, rice noodles, I use rice milk without gluten in it. Im still learning to change my diet and find foods I can eat. Yes I still fall back and eat these foods sometimes and pay the consequence. It's just a thought but I heard many times diary and wheat/flour can affect us not only phyically but mentally. It's been proven many children that are adhd or have other behavioral problem have food allergies. Even my husband has noticed the difference. A few days ago when I posted and was so down I had eaten some candy with corn surup into earlier (I wasnt thinking) and took another nose dive. Sugar free candy is good as long as it's hard but the yummy chocoate stuff has some kind of sugar sub that causes me bad digestion problems. OK, you probably were expecting all that, and I wasnt planning on writing about this, it just fell out on the paper. Maybe it's something to consider.

    Well I better go see if I can figure out what is going on with my husband.
    We are also having computer problems and Dell is suppose to call today so
    they can walk me thru reinsalling the whole system. Looking forward to hearing from you again, Im still leary, but I guess I just have to take those
    baby step. I know Erin doesnt know me, but I also extend my hand to her as well to ask me anything. I dont have much schooling but I have LOTS of life experience in areas that most poeple are fortunate not to experience or if they have they are afraid to admit it or talk about them. Hugs2u, Sue

     
    Old 11-09-2006, 06:44 PM   #21
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    Hi, Kiehn First, I think that your communication skills are just fine, so one less thing to be concerned about here....okay??? I apologize for not responding any quicker.....things with Erin have been keeping me busy....you will see more about it on the Bipolar board.

    Anyway....I hope that you don't take any offense to what I have to say but a big thing that I notice with Erin and Bipolar is how easily a look, word, gesture, or action could be misinterpreted for something it really wasn't meant to be. Erin often tells me that this one doesn't like her because they gave her a look. And she often says the same after she has made a mistake thinking that others will not see her the same way ever again.....in my trying to understand Bipolar it is said that with the emotional part of the brain being most affected outside stimuli is often misprocessed and is perceived to be something that it really isn't. So perhaps your husband really didn't have a glare and that you perhaps misinterpreted some of his actions. I know that Erin is extremely sensitive too and always has been. She puts her heart on the line in everything and it seems to be broken many a time when somebdy doesn't respond in a way she would like them too. She seems to take things so much to heart and requires constant affirmations. I don't know if this is something that with therapy can be modified...it hurts me as her mom to see that she lacks the confidence in herself to see that she is a beautiful, smart, loveable young lady.....if somebody tells her that she is beautiful she doesn't believe it. I am hoping that in time that may change.

    I don't know how true it is that we choose our own parents, I think that we are given to them as a special gift on loan to be nurtured and loved. Just because we end up with some that aren't capable of doing that doesn't mean that we are all mapped out to have a terrible life. If that were true then my mom and aunt who were abused all of their lives by their alcoholic mother and whose father died when my mom was only 14 leaving her pretty much in charge of raising my aunt who was 6 years younger would have awful lives. But they don't and are wonderful caring mothers and human beings despite the horrific childhood they suffered. I think it is more in the way we learn to look at life or perceive it that makes it what it is. I guess seeing the glass half full instead of half empty OR making lemonade out of all the lemons that are thrown our way would be a way of thinking of it. I know....you are sick of lemonade because you surely have had your share of lemons.

    ((((HUGS)))) Sue for all that you have endured.....I am so sorry for all the pain and disappointmenets that have come your way. I think that you are a wonderful mother to have found the help that your daughter needed even when you needed it yourself. I am sorry for your other health problems.....I am sure that all of these things have really made life so difficult for you and I wish there was something I could do or say to take it all away. It is amazing how foods can have such an impact on moods.....I will have to remember that when it comes to Erin and her diet. She already has cut out caffeine and sugars but what you are talking about really seems like a radical change in diet.....we are already lucky that we can make the changes that we have so I will keep that tucked in m back pocket for future reference.

    I am glad to be our friend, Sue.....any friend of Ruth's is a friend of mine. Also, I appreciate the offer for you to be there for me and Erin. That means alot.

    BTW....did you ever find out anything more about why your husband may have been upset??? And how did the Dell program work out....is the PC working any better???

    You take care, Sue and I hope that you are feeling somewhat better.

    (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

     
    Old 11-09-2006, 10:04 PM   #22
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    Hi Goody

    Yes you are right a bipolars often intrepret things differently then what they are meant, long time ago when I stopped taking my meds it got so bad when I watched a movie could watch two different shows at the same time. It was kind of confusing as my mind jumped back and forth but yet amazing.
    I still interpret a lot of things with a dual intrepretation and then have to study the situation to figure out which applies. Sometimes I can and sometimes Im not sure. Yes people that are bipolar can also have a lot of insecurity and need a lot of afirmations, I know I do even at my age.

    This is not meant personal it is how I feel in general. Think about it if you saw things then had others tell you it wasnt real can you imagine what that does to your sense of reality sense of security. What we see is real, what we feel is real, in our eyes, ears and hearts, it is normal. My husband and I have had so many conversations about this. He can not understand I do not consider my feelings as oversenitive and Im offended and feel like a outcast when someone wont respect or accept me as Im. To me my feelings are quite normal and to have someone constantly refering to my feelings as over sentive, prickly (as my last counselor alway called me) is insulting, is a form of prejudice, it makes me feel like Im a reject, a retard and it constantly being impressed on me I need to change. My feelings, what I see, how I react is normal for me just like some people have different colored skin. Ive been to more therapist then I care to admit and all I ever learned was something was wrong with me, how I should change, why can people just accept us as we are. Senitive, caring, loving, intuitive and just want people to accept us. I know it's not intentional but we've been made to feel like we're some kind of misfit and when we dont fit into the so called "normal"
    standards we feel like we're some kind of reject. Some would say I over reacted, but in my eyes I just expressed my feelings. I could be way off but it makes sense to me, a person has to accept themselves as they are, it makes it hard when they hear how abnormal they are. I wish I could explain it better so I hope you see what Im trying to say. Right now in my home Im fighting for my rights to have my feeling accepted and respected as they are.
    If someone is missing an arm they may do things differently but they are accepted and respected.


    This might seem strange but I have put a lot of thought into all of this and have wondered if our senitivity is a cross over from our intuition at times that comes across as visual. Im going to be honest after years of self doubt I've learned to trust what I feel and see because even if I dont understand at the time later Ive found there was usually a reason for what happened. As for my husband this morning he denied giving me any looks, however here's an example to explain my comment. I saw something, felt something very strong. It turns out it's quite humorous. My husband smokes, has emphasema and the doctors has been doing more tests on his lungs. I know how hard it is to quit I smoked for around 30 yrs myself. Anyway our 22 yr old daughter (the one that's bipolar) made a deal with him, she would stay away from the milk/flour/sugar, if he would quit smoking (as she has also found out she is allergic to diary plus staying away from the wheat/flour/sugars made a difference in her mood swings as well). She taped up notes all OVER THE HOUSE which I didnt see when I got up and then told him Mom was her spy
    and would snitch on him if he smoked. I had heard about the bet but I didnt know I was supposed to be a spy. Like many marriages each partner is very senitive to the others mood. I was picking up on something big I just didnt know what it was until I started finding the signs and our daughter got home and told me she had told him I was her spy. It was quite comical.

    I have not read any of you & Ruths posts and for the first time tonight I read you last few posts about Erin. You have some great support on the bipolar board, that must be a great emotional help. When I read your posting about Erin it brought back memories of when our daughter was in school. She had such social difficulties as well. I thought high school would never end. Then after changing high schools 4 times in 2 years and dropping out, our battles had just begun. Erin will find her way, a place where she feels socially comfortable, give her time. You will find the right med combo
    as well. Keep up the good work with the p-nurse, having your husband there the whole family standing together may have made a big statement.

    It's late and Im tired, I never heard back from Dell so I sent them another email. The computer is only a couple month old but we had problems with it since the first day we turned it on. Take care, hugs2u, Sue

    Last edited by kiehn; 11-09-2006 at 10:11 PM.

     
    Old 11-10-2006, 05:28 PM   #23
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    Sue ~ Thanks for hanging in there....things have been quite busy here with my 18 year old showing up with 3 dorm mates. Now we have a total of 6 females, a female labrador retriever and hubby!! Poor hubby!!

    I was so touched by your post and the understanding that it gave to me!! YOu are soooo right, Sue, about how all that you think, feel and experience is normal for you and for anybody to make you think that you ought to change would be almost like making you stop taking the air into your lungs to breathe!! I really appreciate your sharing this all with me because it will allow me to help Erin through all of this. I must admit that sometimes I can't understand why she reacts the way she does to things and I certainly do not want to make her feel as if she has to change her entire being and uniqueness to fit into somebody elses concept of "normal". However, I feel that there are some things that she must be aware of that she does that could and do affect her interactions with others. And that is her perceptions of things that almost trigger a negative behavior in her.....like an automatic reaction of anger or feeling as if somebody doesn't like her by something they say or do that others would not perceive. She is not yet stable on the meds and I am hoping that when she is that she will feel better. I hear her constantly asking people if they are mad at her or if they like her. She also gets really attached to people, particularly boys. Yesterday she was hysterically crying about a boy who she found out had to move in with his mom and who no longer be attending her school. Of course this news couldn't have come at a worse time since the Risperdal had to be discontinued and she was declining without it. She cried for over an hour and wouldn't allow me to hug her at first and then when she was able to talk she told me that he told her that her hair looked good down when she straigtened it and he made her feel good when he said that. I thought about all the crule things that kids say to one another in school and probably how rare it was for somebody to pay another person a compliment. I hugged her and told her that of course her hair looked great down and that she was beautiful....that I told her that all the time but it sure must have felt great hearing it from a guy!! She went on to say that she heard that he was going to ask her out.....thing is this boy was into drugs and that is the reason that he was sent to his mom's to live since things at his dad's were not working out. So in a way it was a Godsend that he was away from Erin but still her pain was real and I kept it all to myself.

    Thanks for giving me a laugh by sharing what your daughter did setting you up as the spy!! That was why he acted the way he did.....and what a great sense of humor your daughter has....must take after mom!!

    I am having a tough time with Erin's irritability and moods.....she seems to bite my head off with anything I say or do.....but there are times that she softens. I take it for a little while and then point out to her how it is not easy to live with and to keep a check on it once in a while. I know it must not be easy but it isn't easy for me either. I just would like to see her feeling not so miserable.....it's been a long road and I just want her to be able to have a few good years to look back upon during these teenage years. I want her to be able to smile and laugh not because she feels she has to but because she likes to. There is such a difference and I wonder if there will ever be a time that I will be able to see it. Will I Sue???

    Well look who's rambling on now!!!

    I really thank you for sharing how you feel.....it really helps me to better understand what Erin is going through and that her feelings are not right or wrong....they are how she feels and should be accepted/respected. It's when she gets disrespectful towards me or others that I have a problem because I have feelings too!!

    I am sure that once we find the right med combo that will change.

    I really am missing Ruth and I am sure you are too. I really didn't realize how much I loved her until I haven't seen her posts. I am feeling bad too because she posted about having headaches and perhaps I could have said something to have her have it checked out.....if only I had known....she didn't seem to make a big thing about it or complain so I didn't think it was anything too concerning. But now knowing what I do it was more than just a headache. I really miss her and am glad you are here knowing and feeling the same.

    ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

     
    Old 11-10-2006, 07:44 PM   #24
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    Sorry I write later

    Last edited by kiehn; 11-11-2006 at 08:24 PM.

     
    Old 11-11-2006, 07:44 AM   #25
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    I consider a friend to be someone that I can trust with everything.

    I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain that you have in your life.

    There is nothing wrong with you. You are who are and people either accept it or they don't. I think you feel like a loner because you have never found that person that you can trust with everything. True friends are very hard to come by. I only have one person I consider my true friend, my husband. Sure I have other friends, but he is the one person that I can tell anything to and know that there is no judgement.

    I hope you are able to find what you need. Different things work for different people so don't give up looking for the help you seek. My brother is bipolar and the only thing that was able to help him was medication. He has really low lows and tried taking his life during one of them.

     
    Old 11-11-2006, 10:29 AM   #26
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    Re: What is a Friend? / What is wrong with me?

    Hi Happymom
    Thanks for your advise and encouragment. I can talk to my husband about most things but I guess it frustrates me, becasue as long as weve been together he knows me the best and yet after all these years he still cant understand that sometimes the bioplar cause me highs and lows even though Im on meds. Plus I feel he is ashamed of me because he never stands up for me when his family or his friends dont understand. He just says they dont know how to act around you. Leaving them to believe I act like I do intentionally. When it comes to a physical illness he's all talk. So that's why I feel he's embarrassed and ashamed of me. You right I will find a friend that understands, believes in me, isnt ashamed or embarrased of me, stands up for me becasue I feel these are things that not only a true friend would do but a spouse would do as well. Thanks again, Sue

     
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